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Wawjr Offline OP
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Yes. We have been married 14 years and have 3 kids 13, 11, and 8. Over the years I have worked a lot to both advance my career and provide the extras for the family. Last year I caught her cheating. She says I never loved her and could never show her love. She says the new guy is her everything. Of course I've tried to convince her otherwise ( prior to reading DR). We are separated living in the same house. I admit I backslide after she goes on a date with him. I still am trying to figure out what all the stuff in the signature means if somebody can help.

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Not enough info. Stop focusing on the A. We need ALL your M history in order to help.


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2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Originally Posted By: Wawjr
I still am trying to figure out what all the stuff in the signature means if somebody can help.

You cant have a signature until you are off moderation.

Keep posting and that should happen fairly soon.


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Wawjr Offline OP
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What other history do I need to post?

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I forgot to mention that a few weeks ago she said she was done. I know that she contacted an attorney and told me that she was filing. I managed to dodge that one and it's how we ended up separated in the same house. She now blatantly has phone conversations with him while I am in the next room. She also goes out on dates and doesn't hide it. I admit that I am completely devastated. I cant eat or sleep. Its very difficult to concentrate at work. When she throws it in my face like that I backslide. She has told me that "I disgust her" She had/is having the affair but I disgust her. Where does this anger come from? Please explain.

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Welcome to the board. You can get a lot of great advice here. Have you read any of Michelle's books?

If the abbreviations are confusing you, on the newbie board there is a post of explanations for them that helped me out.


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
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11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

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I have read the divorce remedy. I have another question. I think I need to set up some boundaries but do not know how to do that. Here is another incident that occurred this past weekend. My youngest daughter (8) was sick. My other daughter (11) had a night softball game at 930 pm about 45 minutes from home. It was very cold out and we had a long drive. My wife had left the house, without me knowing. I admit we had a texting war because of it. It turns out she was out with him at a basketball game. Her own daughter had a game that she could not attend and I had to drag the youngest one who was sick out at night. I dont understand her thinking and actions.

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`Walk Away Spouses (WAS) don't make any sense--the key is to stop trying to figure them out and move on with your own life with or without them.

I am not an expert--I've been at this for over a year now and began to see the effects of the advice given here, but did some major back sliding the past few months and I am struggling to get back on track. So take my advice for what it is worth and wait for the long timers to chime in.

The first thing you have to do is to accept that the marriage you had is over. This doesn't mean she will never be your wife again--what it means is that the wife that you had no longer exists and before any rebuilding of a marriage can be done you need to start rebuilding you as an individual. In order to do this you have to detatch--which believe me is INCREDIBLY hard. For me it was easy at first until I started getting jealous--and jealousy really is counter-productive to trying to save a marriage. The more you fight it--the more it burns you. Some how you have to get to the frame of mind of letting her drive her own bus off the cliff--but keep your bus-with your kids-moving forward in a positive productive direction.

You have to ignore the things she is doing to humilate and hurt you and ACT AS IF (the caps are for phrases you will here a lot around here not for yelling purposes) you don't care because you are moving on with her or without her. If she is missing out on things your kids are doing--too bad for her, you keep on keeping on.

You have to GET A LIFE (GAL). Take your kids places you always wanted to, but she never got on board with. Get out with some friends. It was a great activity for me to think of all of the things I always wanted to do but put on hold because my husband (H) wasn't on board. This year I started hanging out with friends I lost touch with, I took a solo trip to the city for a couple of drinks, I took my son skiing. I am pretty much dating myself right now--and I'm pretty good company. If you are at a loss of things to do try a social networking site like meetup. I have been signed up for it for over a year now and haven't quite gotten to any events but a lot of them seem like fun. It is not a dating site, just a site where different events are posted for like-minded people to get together. Some of the groups are family focused so you could bring the kids along.

Setting boundaries is complicated because it is hard to identify what is boundary setting and what is controlling another's behavior. Boundaries have to do with how you allow other's to treat you. However, a lot of times we let other's actions have too much control over us. So detatching--I believe--really needs to come before boundary setting because before you are detached things get very muddied. You are hurting. Some of that hurt is within your control, some of it is not. Figuring out what is within your control and letting go of the rest needs to come first. I am sure more experienced and successful DBers will be in here soon to clarify. Like I said I am still in the process of figuring this part out--and H and I have pretty much just gotten to the point of two ships passing in the night until and unless I start to press for info. Then things just blow up again.

Last edited by mustardseed; 03/06/15 12:18 PM.

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Excellent post from Mustardseed.

Have you read all the links that Cadet first sent you? These are very informative and as soon as you can get that much digested, the better you will be equipped to dead with your situation.



It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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How are you doing, Wawjr? Haven't heard from you in a few days.


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

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