Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: Complex
Thanks toots.
I know the last part was not good, because it's still circling. I just want to truly "get" and understand my W. That's the only base of a new R with her that would make thibgs possible at all. That's why I want to do sth in regards to get to know her love language better and how she really is.

Complex, you want a "game plan", correct? That means you need a GOAL, and a plan to achieve that goal. But the goal cannot be to reconcile with your wife.

Sounds sad and harsh, I know. But this^^ is ALL about you wanting something you cannot necessarily ever have. For now, I think you must forget her.

The goal FOR NOW must be exclusively about your own growth as a man. Becoming the best man you can become. DEFINE that in specific terms you understand.

Get some "mantras" or inspiring quotes for yourself, and SAY them out loud to yourself several times a day.

Turn your marriage over to God, to free yourself to just work on YOU.

Behave in healthy confident ways and eventually, you will FEEL healthier and more confident. In TIME, your life will improve.

The improved life you create for yourself must and will be enough for you.

What your wife does or believed about the new wonderful you, is far beyond your control.
Any efforts on your end to affect that, are for nothing. They are wasted energy.

That energy (the energy spent on worrying about her OR in trying to convince her of anything about you) is a waste of energy. Spend ALL of your energy on becoming the best man you can become. The reality of who you become, will suffice. It MUST suffice. If she believes you are a purple lesbian from Mars, you may not be able to change that belief but you cannot let it change the reality that you are a man with great qualities.
Her beliefs will NOT be based on reality, her "data" about you will be false.

That fact, that you become a better man and great husband (for someone) has to be enough for you. Because it is real. If you keep in touch with her family or other mutual friends, word will get back to her.

THAT^^ is all you ought to "do", b/c it happens to align with your goal of becoming the best man you can become. NOT to win her back but b/c you want to self actualize.

Is this^^ too fuzzy or too vague?

Maybe this effort will be for nothing, I don't know. I just think it is essential, but is it more of a topic when already piecing?


The effort to understand her now, and to "get" her and to make her understand (anything) that you love her, is ALL for nothing. Worse, it's actually counter productive.

It means your energy is "outward bound" instead of being about YOUR own growth and YOUR Changes. You'll keep checking in with her to "See if she knows that I feel X" and you'll keep on checking her temperature to see if "she knows Y and Z" and your energy will continue to hone in only on HER reactions to your behavior.

That is no way to live and it sure won't re-attract her to you. If it worked, it would have by now.

Go inward for the changes you need to make, and outward to GAL.


Get her off your radar screen...for now and the foreseeable future.

Turn the marriage over to God, & simply completely take charge of your own life.

When you become the best man you truly can be, and you know it,

then you can turn ALL of this over to God, let the cards fall where they will,

and be at peace.

From this day forward, Hold your head high and live your life well.

How does that^^sound as your game plan?



whistle whistle whistle whistle


I don't know about Complex, but I think that sounds like a pretty awesome game plan for almost any left-behind or betrayed spouse on the forum!!!

Awesome post, 25.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Thanks 25yr. Your advice is always the best.

Turning things over to God is the hardest part. People can't let go of control. And will he even take care of it? You have to be strong, and that's what I will do.
I still fight with myself to be a better person every single day. I need to learn how to be less hard on myself and to love myself for who I am and be as good as I can. It's a lifetime challenge.

I detach myself more and more. I see a life without her. I have more and more of a hard time imagining one with her. But I'm not giving up hope.
I'm pretty tired these days. I work a lot and do so much plus I'm working out very hard. Maybe I'll take a full day off this week and just enjoy my life, the sun and the beach. Especially since today OM was all in my head. Probably because of the wild dreams I have due to medication I think.


Last edited by Complex; 03/31/15 04:22 AM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Blogging:

Still staying busy and feeling OK. IC told me today that I made very good progress. She likes to see how much better I am doing every single time.
Meds suck a bit right now because I have crazy dreams since a few days. W and OM very present in my dreams last few days, don't sleep too well. But I can manage.

Interestingly W and I are very friendly with each other last couple of days (in the few moments we actually cross our paths). No serious talk but she's pretty warm, looking at me like she likes me or sth. Maybe just imagination but things are better. I let her live, no control whatsoever. Guess it makes her feel more comfortable. Doesn't seem like she's doing anything with OM or is dating, nor is she going out much at all. She just seems normal right now. I don't know what she's thinking right now. Enough of her tho.

Greencard process started. Got a letter. No idea how long it's gonna take. W still seems anxious about it.

I have no idea what is going to happen when I receive the greencard....but honestly neither do I care right now.
I don't want to think of the ifs at the moment. I feel more carefree about the future. I know what I want, what I don't want, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and where I want to be. Feel like I have a good attitude right now, but I'm aware of that if things develop in an undesired way, I'll get my throwbacks. But what can I do.

Comments appreciated.

I'll start a new thread soon.

Last edited by Complex; 04/01/15 06:31 AM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Few good days. Easter today was decent.
Spent all day with W basically. Went to family brunch in the morning. Then to lunch at her moms. We drove together. Lot of car time today too.
It was pretty easy going. Casual, easy conversations. Nothing serious or so.
The whole day was like nothing ever happened, fun conversations with the famil etc. but without any affections between me and W whatsoever. I guess I cannot expect anything from it, neither did I, which is good.
I also didn't get nervous or so. I cannot deny that W looked very attractive to me today. But what am I gonna do right?^^
It just feels like a bit of a limbo right now, waiting on my greencard. What's gonna happen after? I have NO clue, but also no expectations.
Right now I feel like I'm slacking a bit really working hard on myself. I just feel ok these days, do my thing, meet people, have fun, work. Just in a good spot right now, without the "push" of needing to work on myself. It's good but I still want to make improvements, read a book again or so...I feel a little selfish right now.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
Hi Complex,

It sounds like you've had a few good days and handled them well. I think it's good to be around your W without openly displaying affection. It will begin to show you in a less needy and more independent way. Make sure you keep a lookout for any signs of improvement. Also, be prepared for a potential backlash. If your W had a good time with you recently, this may go against her recent perception of you and cause her to try and bring the old complex back. Don't let her. Keep up the good work!

Last edited by alpha99; 04/06/15 06:23 AM.

BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Thanks for checking in alpha.
You seem to do pretty well too.
Thanks for the hint. So far no sign of W trying to provoke me or anything.
Not going to play that game anynore anyway.

She's more like "frien" now. Which I have to be careful about too. I do not want to be her friend. I mean yes I do but to me that won't be enough in the long term.
She might think it'll make thing easier for her. It gives her more peace of mind too.
She might not realize right now that I'm not done with this M. And if she realizes this again it might get tougher again. But I'm pretty much in agree-mode and feel confident. But we will see what challenges are coming when I get my greencard in the mail...


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Of course, just after a few days of "peace and harmony", she acts annoyed this morning. Then texting me later on that she is still annoyed by our situation.
But she's glad we are getting along.
Either she is annoyed that we actually are treating each other better recently or she had another talk with a friend or maybe contact to OM again and got frustrated again that she just can't move on right now.

Whatever it is, I shouldn't care. But I do a bit again. Seeing all her family over easter was nice but showed me how much I love to have them in my life. It's scary to think they will be gone forever one day.
I put things in retrospect this morning and it made me sad.
I miss having a R, being loved. Reconciliation scenario seems very distant. I realized what would actually have to happen to get to a state where I would be happy too. It would take tremendous efforts and full commitment from W.
Just don't see that happening any time soon..
Glad I'm still young and that I'll have the ability to start over again. My hopes are still there tho.
Now that W is more friendly she might see the danger ..so it's probably good to pull back the friendly contact a bit from my side, so a) she doesn't start to think its persuasive and stays comfortable with it and b) she has some time to reflect herself.

I hope I'm still in the right place with my thoughts and actions.
I'm kind of getting anxious about the time my greencard will be in the mail. That's where everything will get real and she will start legal actions. I better be prepared ...

I also feel like I'm not doing any 180s recently. I just basically live my life the way it feels right to me. I'm less reactive. Feels like I'm not doing enough ..not sure

Last edited by Complex; 04/07/15 03:47 PM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 586
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 586
Be Strong. Maybe she's just missing the drama.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Thanks!!!! Didn't sound like it, more that she is "fearing" the drama..because I seem to like her still and I'm still very good with her family.
I cannot take any missteps DBing at this point and rather say nothing than starting to get back to bad habits.
She seems to still wanting out, no signs of second thought. It's just a waiting period. Fair enough, buys me some time to keep working on myself. Not sure if I'm fully prepared for the worst. I guess that's impossible anyway.

Last edited by Complex; 04/07/15 04:01 PM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Hi Complex,

Just catching up on your sitch today. Do you think your wife has any credible fear that she's losing you?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard