Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Complex #5

My threads are still filling faster than my sitch is moving.
And I am moving slower with becoming the best Complex ever than my W moving forward with S and D.

The only real changes since my last thread:

- Meds are still an issue but I feel almost like the "normal Complex" again

- My parents dropped the bomb on W's family (aunt). W responded angry and also told her dad and mom in person the day after.
Her mom wants to save our marriage so bad(funnily she is the one that did the EXACT same thing to W's dad, found another man, wanted out of M and left, boom - I never knew exactly how her mom left her dad but W's aunt told me this, so in the family history seems to repeat again and the whole family is shocked like hell). I told her mom it is best to leave W alone and not pressure her right now. Aunt seems to be very neutral but very sad and shocked. Everyone in the family seems to think in very high terms of me, but they know they cannot control W.

- Me and W are getting along a little better. Mainly because I stopped being "crazy" around her and better detached. I just let her life and don't ask questions or snoop or do such things anymore. This seems to make W feel a little more comfortable around me.

- I went to a lawyer/mediator and know my rights now. It is as easy as buying an iPhone to get D/mediated

- I still GAL. Gym 3-4 times a week. Found a volunteer opportunity, helping abandoned children is a care center. I started driving for Uber on the weekends to make a few extra hundred dollars per month. I started taking over my company's old secretary job to get in some extra hours (she quit a couple weeks ago) to also make a few hundred extra dollars a month. To be able to support myself fully all alone it is getting close.

- That leads to the next point of a true realization that I was NOT supportive enough in our marriage and did NOT work hard enough to support my W and my future with her. I was too much of a relaxed man, that thought everything will figure itself out, I relied on my W and I settled. I DID make efforts to find a job and I am only in the job market for 1 year here now and no one can expect any wonders coming to a new country and making an instant career from scratch, but I did not do ENOUGH. That's the point. I tried to compensate by being a perfect houseman, doing everything for my W and around the house but my social status was much lower than hers. The imbalance in our R did make me look very unattractive over time. Not to mention OM in this occasion.
And W is an independent career driven women. She wants things in her life. She "tried" to settle with me, but it is not her. She wants more in her life and I cannot blame her for that. I was not supportive enough of her efforts either.
Now am becoming the man I always wanted to be. I will be an independent man that understands and values his wife and supports her no matter what. If she doesn't want to join this I will at least become the best me, and one day I can maybe make someone else very happy.

- tonight W wants to talk. I don't know about what. Most likely about our living situation and that the S will soon become real. We still live together. I don't want to make big announcements or say much. I rather listen and validate. If I feel it can come across very genuine I might add that I am thankful for her still supporting me and that I take full responsibility for what I have done/not have done (work hard enough to secure us a future and let her do most of the work). But not sure if that is necessary at this point or if she will really dig it. I am scared of this conversation because I am not very good at this. I need to hold myself back with talking at all, listen, validate. Period. I just hope she doesn't ask me too many direct questions regarding how I think we should figure out the living situation, etc.

Thanks for everyone who is following me and helping me!



Last edited by Complex; 02/26/15 01:28 AM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
W talked to me. She didn't have much to say. Just wanted to check in on me and us. She wants to move forward with our separation as expected.
When the greencard is done she wants to soon physically separate, do separate bank accounts and legally separate.

Sounds like she is still in a rush moving things forward, whatever the reason is. I resisted asking about OM, guess this is non of my business or is it legitimate to ask why there is such a rush.
I held myself very well in the conversation. It was the most serious conversation we had in a long time, I listened very well and validated. But she seems very clear minded and serious about her plans. She "apologized" for rushing into M with me and hurting me now.

This seems so seriously over. For one reason, our marriage was not built on solid ground and was short. Sry for the negativity. The german realist is coming through.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day! A good one, right? Yes!


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
After reading another thread I wonder if I should finally fkn man up!!? I should just let her go, give her what she wants, take what I need too and get the hell out of here. If I stick around like this, she'll never gain respect for me.
She wants a legal separation now, why don't I just give it to her ????? At this point it doesn't make sense fighting it, does it? I wonder why LS now, not straight D. Out of good intentions to help me so I can keep certain benefits like tax and health insurance? Or isn't she ready for D yet? That could be bc of many reasons, most likely NOT bc she's not sure about D ..but to get out of M "smoother" without upsetting her family too much; making an easier transition.
Is this going to make it even harder for me bc there is still this "rest" that I can hold on to bc its not a D?!? Or is it good bc it's buying time? Although it's pretty much the same than D.
Did anyone in here have to deal with LS? What's W's logic here? Should I just give her what she wants and move on like a man?


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Complex

To save me looking back, have you had some legal advice already? I think your priority needs to be the best one from a legal and emotional perspective. A legal separation doesn't sound unreasonable to me. But what are the legal implications and what does your L say?

From your post below, it sounds as though you are flailing around emotionally (not a criticism, I'm doing some of that myself) but it's time to put the financial, legal and practical hat on, and move forwards in a self-protective way that stays true to your emotional needs too.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
I did go to a mediator who just told me its an easy case, my right is all 50/50 and I can get granted some spousal support. That's all I know.
I might go again to get some more detail.

I feel absolutely horrified and terrible this morning. Like back to square one. These talks with W do me no good. Even tho it was a very good one from DB perspective.

Interesting how W even validated herself with the reaction of her family. She said they are shocked but told her "if that is what she really wants". From my knowledge they are all absolutely devastated that she's doing the exact same thing than her mother and can't understand why she's dumping her M so fast.
I'm still confused why she now wants to go the legal separation path instead of D.

Huge throwback, I need to focus on myself. My anger and pessimism is taking over again.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Complex

Legal S doesn't sound like a bad option? That's what I'm hoping me and H will do - except over there, it isn't a legal process - although the S agreement carries significant 'weight' with the courts in a any future D process.

Sorry it's a tough day - you'll get back on an even keel - but that just takes a little while after stressful things like 'talks' happen.

Take care (())


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Thanks Tootsie.

It's the same process here and weighs into D later of if it goes there.
So you think it's a good thing? I guess it's much better than D. It's not final, but a good way to S, like a trial D.


Today I met with W's father for lunch. His reaction was a little unexpected. He basically met me to gather some information I think and to tell me he's sorry for me etc. I was very calm and didn't talk bad about W or whatsoever. I didn't offer any details and kept the information very general. I think the talk went very well. He is an incredibly genuine, smart and very reasonable man. I let him talk most of the time. He actually told me if he was me (even as W's dad), he'd run away and start fresh. He found out about OM and he is humongously disappointed by his daughter. You could see it in his eyes, his heart was broken into pieces. It was even painful to see. He said "good luck W to find a better man than you are". We almost both started crying. That was very kind of him. Of course he understands we can't control her and all that and he advised me not to kill myself over her and find a point where it gets unhealthy for me where I give up on her.
Not sure how he will deal with W now. So far they didn't have contact after she told him. He is aware that W looks pretty bad in all this now and that she is under a lot of pressure. I don't think he knows what to do, he has to let this sink some more I'm sure.

I feel ok, happy with how the conversation went, it was very sad tho frown
I'll stay out of this for sure..but W will have to deal with this now..and it probably won't be easy...


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Complex
After reading another thread I wonder if I should finally fkn man up!!? I should just let her go, give her what she wants, take what I need too and get the hell out of here. If I stick around like this, she'll never gain respect for me.
She wants a legal separation now, why don't I just give it to her ????? At this point it doesn't make sense fighting it, does it? I wonder why LS now, not straight D. Out of good intentions to help me so I can keep certain benefits like tax and health insurance? Or isn't she ready for D yet? That could be bc of many reasons, most likely NOT bc she's not sure about D ..but to get out of M "smoother" without upsetting her family too much; making an easier transition.
Is this going to make it even harder for me bc there is still this "rest" that I can hold on to bc its not a D?!? Or is it good bc it's buying time? Although it's pretty much the same than D.
Did anyone in here have to deal with LS? What's W's logic here? Should I just give her what she wants and move on like a man?



Complex

Please Stop overthinking. I filed for a sep for 3 reasons:

I was not ready to divorce my h;

But I needed to protect our assets so he wouldn't mortgage "invest" our house for his heroes in Alaska,

and

b/c the kids & I needed health insurance then...

So what if your wife is trying to be kind to you? So what if she's trying to make it easier

IF IT DOES HELP YOU, then let it!


This is actually all up to you. IF YOU want to see it as a "delay" of your growth, then it will be and so you should not delay things

but since it probably would benefit YOU to have a LS and it MIGHT mean she's not quite ready to file for a Div

why are you making this more complicated? You want to force her to declare something? I would not push her on the "whys" of it.

To ME, I would see the LS as a gift for you. But if you cannot handle it,
then so be it.

If you feel that you MUST be divorced before you can do anything productive with your life

do what you must.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Thanks for your opinion 25yr. I think a LS would be good. It is a legal process and it'll just feel like D. But it won't be. D is final.

I do not want her to declare anything. I just think I shouldn't fight it.
She is trying to help me out with everything. She told me she cares for me and doesn't want to screw me over.

Fair enough I guess. Gives me some time, but I took a good amount of action to support myself already.

Today I'm thinking about her dad all day long. He was so heartbroken today. In a weird way it made me feel better, maybe bc it was a validation for me that I'm not so bad after all and that this is not really my fault smirk


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Wife gone over the weekend skiing with her friend (I know it's not OM, I actually have high doubts they are talkinv very much, they def still don't meet outside of work).
I'll have coworkers over tonight for a wine tasting! Funnnn
Working a lot at the office and working out a lot too. Stupid Prozac tho still feels like a bit of a rollercoaster ride. In the morning it feels like the last dose "wore off" am I feel horrible. Once I eat breakfast pop the next pill and leave the house I feel good^^

I'm still thinking about her dad. Is this a normal reaction of family that they are humongously devastated and disappointed due to their high moral values? Did anyone experience this and how turned this out later in the sitch? In the end they all love her again I suppose, if they had a good relationship in the first place.
Lot of family scenarios how it can develop but I guess not really my concern, although it feels very good for my ego that I have their support and love.

It's also interesting how I actually learned how to love my W in this sitch. It's weird. Detavhing and loving more at the same time, is that possible?

Everyone have a nice weekend!


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard