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Hey Maybell,

Just here to offer my support, sorry you're going thru a tough time but I'm glad to see your last post sounds more positive and like you're coming out on the other side (again!)

J


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Underdog #2545122 03/06/15 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted By: Underdog
Why not turn that around into something that is about you and authentic?

Instead of this cheeseless tunnel and trap:

Originally Posted By: Maybell
I do question how he expected to find himself in one-night stands and why it was necessary to lie to me CONSTANTLY in order to find himself all while claiming he wanted to get away from me so he can be authentic.


Try this instead:

"I wonder why I chose to overlook my feelings that something was amiss in my marriage? I wonder why I felt it was in my best interest not to ask more direct questions and get answers, because it's important to me to have truth in my marriage?"

Empower yourself, my friend. It's nothing but a tweak in your head, Maybell. As I said yesterday, your filter need to be changed. smile


Gosh! I do like this.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Underdog #2545142 03/06/15 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted By: Underdog


Try this instead:

"I wonder why I chose to overlook my feelings that something was amiss in my marriage? I wonder why I felt it was in my best interest not to ask more direct questions and get answers, because it's important to me to have truth in my marriage?"

Empower yourself, my friend. It's nothing but a tweak in your head, Maybell. As I said yesterday, your filter need to be changed. smile

Wow. UD I know this was meant for Maybell, but you gave me a lot to think about! Thanks.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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Maybell

Have you thought this was H being authentic?

Authentic to his core beliefs at that time? Trying to have his cake, eat it and save it for later? Sounds like classic gas lighting. Maybell, you did not cause it, you cannot control it, nor can you cure it.

This type of waywardness is way out of order. A major boundary infringement and it is past. The boundary for you is truth, not secretiveness or lying by omission.

It stinks and of course we play our own part by being wilfully blind when all the signs are there. Some waywards are clever and manipulative, I undertook an exercise on my own thread to examine the abusive nature of H and his communications. I have only myself to hold to account on it for not identifying and putting in my boundaries.

Abuse Communications Exercise from 12 steps

It could be useful to you but is more about verbal communications than an A. In my case H main A was gambling. Although he chases POWs, now quite openly. Boundary infringed if near me.

Maybell, like me you have been here for the long term growth of Maybell. 31 threads and now I have read them all! What a journey you are on, and such growth with grace and charm. V takes her jaunty hat off to Maybell.

Come for a wild ride in a little red convertible just for the exhilaration of it.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 03/06/15 01:37 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Well, that more authentic response was the result of having to go through the same mine fields. I share this in common with Maybell. I was angry all the time because people didn't do the right thing. The right thing according to me and my lofty expectations and beliefs. And I was miserable because of all these people who continually let me down.

Therapy was the answer to figuring out why I was so angry. Listening to Fr. Tom Allender's discussion on transcending anger was my breaking point. It took 4 CDs for me to figure out that I was mad at myself. From that time forward, it became part of my personal mission statement to seek authenticity. To force actions to have more of a say than words. And to put my intuitive gut feelings to work helping me seek information I need to make good decisions for myself.

There's a trick to all of this though. It means that others will hold you in the same light and you'll need to be authentic back with them by offering your truths so they can shed light on what information they need in order to be in a R with us. It's intimate and frightening, not to mention humbling and full of grace. I personally think it's what defines us as humans.

BTW, Vanilla, I love your suggestions and commentary. Awesome nuggets there for those who want and need to dig deeper.

How ya doing, Maybell?


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Underdog #2545467 03/07/15 03:53 PM
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Thank you for the compliment and the Alexander tip Underdog.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Underdog #2545506 03/07/15 07:00 PM
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This was my week for dealing with boundary incursions. D11. The new babysitter (still sorting this one out in my head). Even my boss.

These are all people I need in my life right now, so I've got to figure this out.

I liked how you reframed that for me, Betsey, I'm wrestling with it a lot.

I think I need to ponder a little more. Last night and today were really good so far. Lots of time with friends. I had the opportunity to be really helpful to my good friends and that felt wonderful. I've got down time today which I haven't had in weeks and weeks and I intend to put it to good use. Tomorrow also I have really good plans, a combination of GAL and resetting. This weekend seems to be what I need at this time.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2545594 03/08/15 12:14 AM
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This morning I went to help some friends who've just bought a business get organized. I LOVED it. I felt thrilled to be part of the lives of people in such a meaningful way. All I did was paint a room, but every time they go in there they will have a tangible reminder of my caring and appreciation for them. That makes me really happy. These friends have been a real treasure. I want to be able to show them my appreciation.

This afternoon I've just been kind of lounging. Remembering who I am. Getting in touch with my creativity again. (Also cleaning out my DVR but I am feeling rested so it was a well-spent day).

Quote:
"I wonder why I chose to overlook my feelings that something was amiss in my marriage? I wonder why I felt it was in my best interest not to ask more direct questions and get answers, because it's important to me to have truth in my marriage?"


I've been wrestling with this.

I think I knew he wouldn't answer me. I'd been begging him to be more open with me (in a general sense) and more engaged for... well, basically our entire marriage. I knew always that if anything really bad happened in our life (like, one of the kids getting cancer or hit by a car or something) that we would fall apart.** I knew the marriage wasn't a strong one. But I never felt like I could do anything other than endure it. Marriage is forever and it was my responsibility to remain true to my commitment. STBX wasn't capable of doing any better than he was doing and that was just how things were.

Why did I tolerate that?

Why did I move cross-country TWICE (the first time against my desire) for this poor marriage?

What did I think would happen?

First stabs:
-- Duty, to my commitment, my then H, my kids, our families.
-- Powerlessness. I didn't believe I could be OK alone.
-- Lack of imagination. If I'm not a wife then what would I be? I'd have to decide, and I didn't feel ready to make a choice about how to live as an adult.
-- Fear. Three little kids and a worthless mom? No.
-- Lack of support. I didn't realize how many people have my back.
-- Inertia. Not knowing better. Happiness is for other people.

Scared again but it will be OK.

Last edited by Maybell; 03/08/15 12:16 AM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2545607 03/08/15 12:46 AM
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Maybell

It matters not a jot, memory is faulty and the picture unreliable. H is H and H was H with his own journey.

Maybell

This is past. You did what you did. At the time for all the best reasons with the information you had at that time.

Maybell

The past is gone, done, over, finished. Even if you could examine it under a microscope that would make no change. Like a kaleidoscope the pattern will change next time you look at it.

Maybell

You are looking backwards as if it changes anything. This is a waste of Maybell and her resources.

Maybell

Turn around, face forwards instead. Enjoy today, today is yours to have. Today can be changed, today can be influenced.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 03/08/15 12:54 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2545610 03/08/15 12:59 AM
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No, Vanilla, I'm contemplating why I did that because I feel like it gives some insight into what might hold me back now. Betsey challenged me to turn my anger around in a way that would help me move forward. So I can change what I think my life can be and make this experience mean growth rather than pain.

BTW, I can't believe you read all 31 of my threads! That's heroic. There was a lot of anger and pain and misery in there, among other things. I don't know if I have the courage to go through them myself. Thank you very much for following my story.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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