He does share more now than he has in the past but I want it all, now! I want this over with! I want him cured! I want normal!
You know, she is who she is. But I can see she's hurting so much and I want the tools to help her grow up to be OK with who she is. Not perfect. Not cured. But with tools that help her function without hurting herself or others.
That's what you're heading toward.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Betsey, how long did it take you to get where you are with your XH? I am stuck in this awful place where I just can't stop demanding to know why he wouldn't honor his commitment to our family. When he chose to stop. Why it's better for him to inflict this pain on us than it is to face himself and make his life better within the marriage.
When am I going to stop seeing him as the man I love and start seeing that I have to live with his choices and move on? I will be fine without him. But I wanted us to be great together. When am I going to learn to live with how things are????
It's so, so hard not to take this personally.
And Bug, yes, I think most of your list applies to him.
Last edited by Maybell; 02/26/1505:00 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, it took awhile. I don't know how long. But awhile.
As long as you're in this rut of wanting answers, you're going to stay where you are. I understand it, but it's a cheeseless tunnel that will not help you adapt to WHAT IS right now. It's like someone who sees a train wreck. It's perfectly understandable when the debris is present and EMS is there to tend to injuries and deaths. But imagine yourself returning to the site of that train wreck long after the debris has been removed? Would that seem like a thing a reasonable person would do?
I had to get to the place where I accepted Mr. Wonderful as he is. Not as someone I wanted him to be. Honestly? I wish I had done that while we were still married. Maybe he wouldn't have felt the way he did. He did the same thing to me, so understand it's not my burden to bear alone. Take off the glasses, MB. They don't work because your eyesight has changed and now you can see things more clearly.
Your H is who he is, MB. Wanting a square peg to fit in a round hole won't make that work. So why waste time trying?
I do understand that this is a personal thing. It is. Your H rejected you and decided that life without you and the kids would be better for him. My XH apparently felt/feels the same way. My not understanding why doesn't hold me back from my own growth though. I don't think either one of us will ever have all the answers. The only thing I know is that his pain must have been awful to do such a drastic thing. While it's not all my fault, I wasn't a model wife or sometimes even a good friend or a good person in general. I accept my role in our demise. It took awhile for me to forgive him - but it took way longer for me to forgive myself.
The answers still elude me. Picture that train wreck scenario when you find yourself going down this road. It's fruitless and it's not helping you or your kids either. As my former boss used to advise me, "Do the most productive thing possible that you can when you have the opportunity."
Maybe it's time for you to find someone to talk to in order for this anger to get out. You're hurt. That's why I see the anger. Address that hurt, and I think you will learn how to live with how things are.
Hugs-Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I think it's seeing D11's pain and anger and knowing we're about to deliver another body blow to the kids. I'm dreading telling them we'll be moving again.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybe it would help if you put your game face on and approach it with them like the next adventure for the family? That you're going to start fresh and everyone will get to be part of the process? I *always* had good results when I invited the kids to be part of the next change and it was crystal clear that it was our adventure together?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
RPP, once again I spent too much time demanding why he didn't make better choices. He asked when he could expect to hear about the legal stuff. We agreed to tell the kids what is going on tomorrow evening after I get back from my friend's funeral and then we went our separate ways and I cried for an hour.
But tonight I went to a client dinner and chatted up couples I don't know. I was struck by how they lived their lives TOGETHER -- planning trips, making goals, working together, sharing opportunities, generally acting committed.
It struck me as so different from what I experienced in my marriage. So very different that i almost wonder if I should ever have considered myself married at all. That gave me a lot of courage -- what I'm losing isn't as great as what I'm about to gain.
STBX kept the kids at my house while I was at my dinner. I walked in the house and he wouldn't go. He apologized for this afternoon then stopped himself and said "I don't want to start that again." I said "I'm done with that." He said "Ok." And then he just stood there. I said, "Are you waiting for me to say something?" He said no but he still stood there for a few minutes before he moved to put on his coat. I couldn't wait for him to leave.
I look into my future and I see the strangest blend of so much harder and so much better in front of me. Everything those couples were doing tonight, being purposeful and supportive, I will now be able to do as head of my family.
The dominoes have all fallen in the right directions for me, given the circumstances. I just have to trust and pray that as long as I step in faith that the dominoes will continue to fall the right ways.
Thanks for your support in this brief and violent wobble.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
If sounds like things didn't go all that badly yes, maybe you beat the "you made poor choices" thing to death but who can blame you? Glad you have a plan for telling the kids.
Every time I'm in the grocery store I see couples shopping together. My H never went with me. Ever. I didn't expect him to. Nor want him to really. I understand about questioning whether I even had a M. It was more of a business partnership sometimes.
You've gotten some good input above. I don't have much to add but know that having emotions about this earthquake in your life isn't abnormal. It's very normal and expected.
Be angry, be sad, accept that and let it pass. It may resurface but that's also OK.
Wanting your H to be someone else is a little like expecting a birch tree to turn into an oak. Not likely. But birch trees can be OK when we accept that they're birch trees.
When we fully accept the reality of our lives, life gets much easier.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
