It's not that it will be terrible. It's that I hate the sight of him and I don't know how or when I will stop thinking "there's the dishonest, self-absorbed jerk who violated my trust and destroyed my family without even knowing why."
How am I supposed to coparent with someone I know for sure lies to me without compunction?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think this is a hard on for those of us who dealt with an affair. There's just such a whopping load of lies and poor behavior. I know this is a question I have asked myself (and asked on my thread too).
Google "parallel parenting". When I read the descriptions, I think "I can do that now". I still have full hope for a true co-parenting relationship with STBX (who is at least reasonably engaged with kids) but there's too much hurt for that to happen now.
I'm not negating any of the aftereffects of affairs, raliced but parenting still has to be done, the H is still the father of the children and we can still decide who we want to be.
MB, I don't read here daily anymore so I'm not current. Has he been lying to you recently? I just really don't know. Your H has his own bag of dysfunction, no doubt about that. Don't bite the hook, leave his dysfunctions with him. Set clear boundaries, don't bail him out, let him know what you need or more importantly, what the kids need.
Last edited by labug; 02/26/1503:11 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I am meeting him in about 45 minutes to talk about explaining all this to the kids so its' stirring a lot up.
After D11's giant meltdown the other night I spent WAY too much time asking him why he felt like he had to destroy our family the way he did. He said that he just felt like he knew everyone else better than he knew himself. I asked him why he felt like he'd be able to find himself by having a bunch of one night stands while he was on business trips and he answered that he didn't know what he wanted at that point.
The one night stands are I guess just now sinking in and they make me sick. I hate the sight of him. I hate that he is so self-serving that he can make his screwing around into a noble search for self.
And I can SEE that D11 is really upset and angry and she won't admit to any more than surface stuff and it hurts me to see her hurting so bad and not be able to get her to open up the way other people's kids do.
I just am processing through a lot of my own frustration and anger.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
As I said, your H has his own bag of dysfunction that belongs completely to him and really none of it is about you. Once you can believe that I think it makes it better.
I've had a list pinned to my favorites for years. Your comments about your H had me looking for it.
Does any of this seem to fit him?
If I can control everything, I can keep my family from becoming upset. If I please everyone, everyone will be happy. Whatever happens is my fault, and I am to blame when trouble occurs. People who love you the most are those who cause you the most pain. If I don’t get too close emotionally, you cannot hurt me. My responsibility is to ensure that everyone in the family gets along with each other. Take care of others first. Nothing is wrong, but I don’t feel right. Expressing anger is not appropriate. Something is missing in my life. I’m unique, and my family is different from all other families. I can deny anything. I am not a good person. I am responsible for the success of a relationship. To be acceptable, everything must be perfect.
This is what kids learn when they grow up in a family with addiction or addictive behaviors.
Not an excuse for him but as I said, sometimes it helps to know you aren't responsible for his dysfunction and unless and until he decides to change, there's really nothing you can do.
Last edited by labug; 02/26/1503:21 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm not negating any of the aftereffects of affairs, raliced but parenting still has to be done, the H is still the father of the children and we can still decide who we want to be.
Labug- I don't want to hijack Maybell's thread (and I really am running out the door), and I say this with all respect - but I'm not sure where you got this from what I wrote.
I agree that parenting still has to be done and that STBX still is the father. I am just aknowleding that there is a justifiable world of hurt floating around right now and a full co-parenting relationship isn't possible - which is why I like the definitions I read about parallel parenting.
To me it's like putting on my own oxygen mask befor helping the kids with theirs. It gives me a little more space, structure and time to heal. And for me, it's an acknowledgement that I'm not Super Woman and can't be expected to have a fully functional, cordial co-parenting relationship with a man who lied to me for years and hurt me in one of the worst possible ways. At least not right of the bat. I'd still love that sometime in the future.
And I can SEE that D11 is really upset and angry and she won't admit to any more than surface stuff and it hurts me to see her hurting so bad and not be able to get her to open up the way other people's kids do.
I went through something a few weeks ago and I felt so inadequate to be the parent of my S22. Really, I wanted to abdicate. Luckily I was surrounded by some very loving folks at the time and I was helped to see, yet again that there is no 'perfect' parent but perhaps I am perfectly placed.
S22 doesn't share feelings much either. I need to be OK with that, I can't make him be how I want him to be. Lord knows I've tried. He is who he is.
He does share more now than he has in the past but I want it all, now! I want this over with! I want him cured! I want normal!
None of that changes the facts of our lives so we have to find our place in that, the place where we can be OK. There are choices.
So I go back to gratitude. Gratitude for: the baby steps he's made in managing his illness the fact that he does share some emotions with me we have access to a very good provider team he's physically healthy we have had the financial ability to get the care he needs that I have the capacity to grow and change
Hang in there, you can do this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
He does share more now than he has in the past but I want it all, now! I want this over with! I want him cured! I want normal!
You know, she is who she is. But I can see she's hurting so much and I want the tools to help her grow up to be OK with who she is. Not perfect. Not cured. But with tools that help her function without hurting herself or others.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm not negating any of the aftereffects of affairs, raliced but parenting still has to be done, the H is still the father of the children and we can still decide who we want to be.
Labug- I don't want to hijack Maybell's thread (and I really am running out the door), and I say this with all respect - but I'm not sure where you got this from what I wrote.
I agree that parenting still has to be done and that STBX still is the father. I am just aknowleding that there is a justifiable world of hurt floating around right now and a full co-parenting relationship isn't possible - which is why I like the definitions I read about parallel parenting.
To me it's like putting on my own oxygen mask befor helping the kids with theirs. It gives me a little more space, structure and time to heal. And for me, it's an acknowledgement that I'm not Super Woman and can't be expected to have a fully functional, cordial co-parenting relationship with a man who lied to me for years and hurt me in one of the worst possible ways. At least not right of the bat. I'd still love that sometime in the future.
I wasn't disagreeing with what you said just trying to better state my thoughts. Apparently I didn't do a very good job.
I see it expressed often that "my H (or W) is this, that or the other (take your pick) so how can I co-parent with that?"
We just do the best we can despite the circumstances.
I don't know if that made it clearer.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
