Maybell XXXI

[Maybell]

Maybell XXX

[Underdog]

I passed First Aid/CPR and now can assist any of you in a medical situation. If you're vomiting, you might just have to let me call 911 and watch you...

Maybell, I think some kids have a combination of issues, emotions and experiences that affect their ability to insert a pause before going from 0-60 in less than 10 seconds. You're certainly not alone. My kiddo has sensory issues, and I think that comes into play as well. Most humans don't like or appreciate transition or change. Again, that shows up in a very exaggerated fashion in my D17. I do a lot of voice prompting by telling her what she can expect. She especially hates getting out of bed (who doesn't?) and getting dressed for school. So I try to minimize the starkness and just keep talking to her. Let me just say that *most* days she doesn't give a crap. But if she starts to take that first motion to hit me, I intervene and tell her that hitting is unacceptable. You get the drift. And you'd think because she's heard this for years that she'd get it! But no. Every damn day is ground hog day. I really hate that.

But there's a double edge to this stupid sword. She wakes up every day without holding a grudge for something that happened yesterday (or last week, or last year). It's the cross I bear with this child. She'll never like waking up and getting dressed. Conversely, she doesn't like getting undressed and ready for bed. I've accepted that. Accept what you need to accept and just love the hell out of her anyway. You're the parent that cares.

My suggestion? Go into the special ed classroom (sans D11) and ask them for any references for behavior counseling. Or if they could get information from some parents with that population of kiddos. There is not one kiddo in my D17's special ed class (which is now called ILC - Integrated Learning Center) who doesn't have some type of external behavioral supports.

Bug, sorry I missed that they will offer the family support as well. You're absolutely right. Sometimes, it was how *I* handled things that caused the spiral to go awry. Just like dealing with my WAH, I had to learn new ways to do things. And so you know it's not like rebuilding Rome, I found that little changes often brought about drastically different results. It was encouraging.

Keep your chin up. You're doing the best job you can do today. That's all anyone can ask.

Hugs-Betsey

[Wonka]

Hey Maybell,

I think "mollycoddling" was a poor choice of word...and for that I apologize.

You're dealing with a very difficult set of circumstances and I just want you to be able to stand up to STBXH and your D11. I am truly rooting for you each step of the way in your journey as the only sane parent in the equation.

Peace.

[labug]

Mental health issues in children have been passed on for generations and blamed on poor parenting. I'm editing myself here. The state of mental health care and the stigma attached in the US is a rant for another day.

MB, this is when you call on every contact you have. I know it might be difficult to open up to people about this but you'll be surprised at how many people are dealing with similar issues. Call your local NIMH office for support group and provider info. Contact the counselor at your D's school, your friend who is a therapist, I hate to say it but ped offices are often not in touch with these things. The IOCDF has tips on interviewing therapists. google it. Not saying it's OCD but it's a good guide on what to look for in a therapist.

We're with you, shoulder to shoulder.

[Maybell]

Thanks very much.

I did contact the school counselor first. She directed me to my pediatrician. I wasn't optimistic because I had been to my pediatricians in two other practices with this problem, but as soon as I said hitting, kicking, screaming, and divorce, the nurse stopped me and gave me six referrals, a referral to an emergency mental health services provider, and an appointment with the pediatrician.

My coworker is a former LCSW and when she saw the list she told me who to avoid and who to call first. When I called the office I described my daughter, including that she's resistant to therapy and that she prefers people who are rational and not sickly sweet. We have an appointment for Monday.

Tonight went ok. There was one sticky moment but it didn't escalate. There was another moment that was no fun but that I was able to recognize as normal middle school behavior and that also didn't escalate and she figured it out and moved on. I got her to bed pretty much on time and after I got the boys down I went and snuggled her for a bit and now I'm finally getting the chance to nurse my cold.

Interestingly, we've been reading a children's story in which the adventure is begun when three children and their mother relocate to an old relative's house because the father abandoned the family. I thought this was a bit dark for a children's book and I kept expecting the dad to turn up and save the day. At the end he seemed to but it turned out to be the monster in disguise. The protagonist realizes the trick before his sister and brother do and he manages to save them. After, he yells to the monster:

I want Dad to be less of a jerk, and for Mom to not be so sad. I want my dad to stop talking about himself all the time and remember all the trouble I have in school, and how much Simon loves animals, and that Mallory is a great fencer! But that's *not going to happen* and you're not him.

I wish, wish, wish I knew how this speech landed on my kids' ears. (D11 almost always listens in when I read to the boys). I did not choose this series and I didn't expect this part of the story. But I wish my kids were the sort of people who would/could talk to me about these things. Maybe over time, as we've grown more in our little family of four and move away from the stuck, time-marking quality of STBX's not-leadership. Maybe when I've gotten better parenting tools and D11 has gotten better self-control tools it will feel safer for all of us to be more open about how we feel.

Talking about anxiety, FIL has demonstrated some big challenges with anxiety. He medicates with lots and lots of beer. Don't know if it's nature or nurture or both, but his mother did too and she also had a bit of a problem with pills and vodka. Her husband also cheated on her -- she always thought with her sister, though it may have been someone else (multiple someones?) they didn't divorce but they didn't live happily ever after either. Sometimes it makes me worry my D11 will have a dependency problem. I wish I could convey all the things about her I find really cool and interesting. In some really wonderful ways she is not like me and one of my favorite things about being her mother is discovering the things that make her uniquely her. (Of course I adore my boys too but that's a topic for a different day...)

I've often wondered how his father's affair felt to my FIL and his brothers. They talk about it openly in this casual gossipy way... I don't know. Another thing I guess I wish people would be more open about.

Thank you all so much for the warm support and encouragement. My PMA is returning. Maybe I will have a great love in my life, maybe I won't. But I certainly deserve better than someone with the decision-making skills and imagination of STBX. I think it will be worthwhile to hold out for that kind of love. After all, there are lots and lots of people who care about me. That's not something to sneeze at.

(get it? I've got a cold... oh, never mind)

[SunnyB]

Hi Maybell. Nothing fabulous to say, other than I'm glad you have an appointment for your D11 and hope that it turns into a resource you can count on going forward. And I hope you are fighting off that cold and feeling better.

[Maybell]

Was supposed to have met STBX for lunch today to talk about how to tell kids about divorce. School is cancelled today due to snow so the plan needs to change. I'm struggling. I hate the sight of him. How am I supposed to deal with all this for the next ??? number of years? It's not that I'm not detached. It's that I'm disgusted at his quality.

To clarify, I don't want to share my children with someone with his values.

[claire7]

Maybell,

Read through my posts... Especially your responses to me. I've expressed similar feelings and you've replied honestly and thoughtfully... and more articulately than I ever could.

Hang in there.

[Lorelai]

Maybell,

Glad you have the appointment. What a crazy coincidence with that children's story. I second what Claire said. I've read her posts and you've always come through with such awesome advice and perspective. But I also understand how you feel. I too am questioning my H's character and wondering how I can parent with him for the next several years when he doesn't have the type of growth or ability to look inward and see what he's doing to our family.

[labug]

I'm just gonna pipe up here and say-y'all are borrowing trouble. If you expect it to be terrible, it will be that. None of us knows just how your coparenting will go-have no expectations.