I was getting ready when H got back and he wandered in and out of the bathroom a few times staring at me doing my makeup (probably a shock as I don't normally wear much makeup), and we had this convo:
H: Do you have dinner plans tonight? Me: yes. H: oh, you're going out? Me: yeah, just getting ready. H: where? Me: T (not intentional as my friend chose the restaurant but it happens to be the place we went on our first date) H: oh ok, well I guess I'll make that curry. Me: cool. H: do you want me to make enough for you for lunch tomorrow? Me: that would be cool if you don't mind. H: Ok. (Mumbling in the kitchen) do we have potatoes? Carrots? Those are nice shoes!
My heels of course.
I went into the kitchen to grab a snack and told H a few jokes while I ate. I also think I may have accidentally excited him.
He was asking if I need a belt with my new jeans or if they don't need it, and I flashed my stomach and said "no they fit perfectly, see?" Didn't mean to excite but I think he may have enjoyed that.
Then he asked "oh if you get back late do you want me to wake you up at a certain time in the morning?" I said: "yeah I don't know when I'll be back. Might be quite late. But yes please wake me up tomorrow."
I did my hip swish and left.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I'm bad at the quote thing but re dating vs marriage, it may help to think of your sitch as fluid, it's not one or the other right now in terms of comparison. You're still officially fired smile
I'd guess dating bc until he says he wants in the R, that's the comparable stage to look back upon for what worked then in terms if re-attraction. Some days you'll have a very M vibe I'd guess, and if you're going with the flow, you'll respond in kind, in the as-if, easy does it sense.
So good to hear you doing well!
Zelda, that makes sense. I'll have a little think some more on what worked in the dating stage, I think mainly it was lighthearted and fun, lots of activities and a lot of teasing each other.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Had a lovely evening with my friends. Although we somehow got into an argument with the owner of an Italian bar because we wanted decaf coffee. He was not impressed. He had decaf, but didn't want to make it for us. But it was like 10:30 at night, for Pete's sake!
Got back around midnight and thought H would be in bed because he usually turns in around 11, but he was still awake. Should have stayed out later!
He seemed really...indifferent? Like, at first he wasn't speaking to me so I left him alone completely and ignored him. He then got a bit chattier and we joked around for a few minutes and had a laugh, but he didn't ask me how my evening was, or who I met, although I asked him how his was (answer = boring, spent the evening on Facebook and watching TV lol) . I asked him if his friends were staying here this weekend or if he was staying at theirs, and mentioned I might not be here Friday night, he just said he was going to spend the whole weekend at his friend's, and didn't ask where I was going.
Then he just stared at me and didn't say a word so I decided I had to end it first and said good night and left the room.
I am really proud of myself and happy I went out tonight.
Wednesdays have always been our date night, and even since BD, we've always ended up spending Wednesday together apart from when he was on his ski trip, and one other week when I said I was going to yoga and he texted me later to say he'd made dinner plans with a guy from work (not saying it was because I made plans but it definitely seemed it).
We never discuss it but we seem to always end up doing something every Wednesday - from drinks to yoga class to geocaching to just having dinner at home.
But every Wednesday morning, I get nervous and wonder what's going to happen and basically end up spending the day wondering and waiting. And unable to make other plans. I'm so used to keeping Wednesdays free I automatically turn down or move all Wednesday invites.
Earlier this week, my friend asked me to come for dinner this Wednesday, and I hemmed and hawed. Eventually she said she understood my hesitation and I could join them depending on what happened with H and could decide on the evening, depending on whether he came home and said he had no plans or wanted to do something.
This morning, I thought eff it, I'm going to see my friends, I'm not going to sit around waiting and wondering all day about H. If he wants to do something, he can bloody ask me/make plans.
I can't sit around and wait for him forever.
So it was a little hard, but I put on those heels and I walked forward.
And I'm glad I did.
Last edited by susana4; 02/26/1512:42 AM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Feeling a little bit down this morning, and I'm not sure why when I had a great time last night. I went to bed quite late so maybe it's lack of sleep.
But I was having one of those moments of anger this morning where I looked at H and thought - I want to leave and never see or speak to this man again. These thoughts come and go.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Keep going....you're doing the 'right' things so far as long as you keep your anger/resentment at bay.
Oh man, Wonka. You totally called this.
I am stewing in anger and resentment this morning. It's not good.
Rant coming up... With a whole lot of "why" questions that I know aren't productive.
I am so mad at H. Why is he being so nice to me when he's done with our M? Why is he still HERE if he's done with our M? I mean, I know we agreed to stay in this flat for financial reasons until I get my visa sorted out, but he didn't have to stay. If he's done, why the eff doesn't he just want to get as far away from me as possible, so he can "be himself". And he certainly doesn't have to be nice to me, or continue doing my laundry, or do things together. I mean what the @*$%.
But then OTOH why the he!! is he indifferent when I start to pull away? Does he really not give a crap about me at all?
And what is wrong with ME that I want to be with this man? How can I want to be with someone that told me he wants to leave me because he wants to ride a bike and play video games?! How can I still love him?
And why the f*** won't he at least give me SOME HINT of what he's thinking? I know better than to start R talks, but for heaven's sake, SOMETHING, some hint of some emotion.
I just want to punch him. Or run away. And never see him again.
/rant
I know it's not helpful to wonder about the whys, and I won't find out why. But I needed to vent.
And I'm having a hard time reconciling all this with my DB coach's advice - which was to invite him to do something ("do what works, and what you've been doing is working") and potentially even initiate a kiss.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I said before I wasn't sure how re-attraction works in a non-sexual sense. I think I may have accidentally stumbled on how to re-attract in a non-physical sense. Maybe?
I mentioned before cooking and food are really important to me (and something H will miss). I recently read about uttapam, which is "Indian pizza" with onion and chilies that you eat for BREAKFAST. I mean, *amazing*.
So, I went out and bought some uttapam dough mix the other day, and was planning to make it for my breakfast on Saturday.
H saw the uttapam box on the counter and asked me what it was. I explained and of course, he thought it sounded fantastic. (H and I have very similar taste in food, to the point where we used to always accidentally order the same dish in restaurants.)
Now, H picks up the box every morning and comments on it. He's even made up a song about uttapam that he sings to me each morning.
I don't think he's put 2 and 2 together and realised I am *not* making the uttapam for him.
If he happened to be here, I would offer him some. But he's spending the weekend with his college buddies, so he's not gonna be here. And I'm not going out of my way to make it when he's here.
In the past, I would have. I would have waited to make it until he was home.
But now, I'm not waiting around on him. I'm eating whatever I want, whenever I want.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Hey Susana. 100% agree you don't have to make that for him. However, I do think at some point it would be odd for you to not mention it.
For example, if he said "wow, that looks good, can't wait till you decide to make that because I bet it's my new favorite meal!!!", and you didn't say anything back, and then made it without him...that wouldn't look detached, that would look kind of inconsiderate.
Instead maybe you'd need to say something like "shoot, I actually got that for a lunch I'm having with a friend. If its good maybe we should get another one next time we go shopping."
Point is I agree with your ability to run your own show, but careful not to do anything uncharacteristically dismissive on your journey to walk your own path.
Keep going and great job!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Zues, I forgot to mention, but when he first noticed the box of it I said I'd probably make it Saturday morning. This was before he'd decided to stay round his friend's house. So, I don't know if he hasn't put 2 and 2 together, or if he thinks I'm going to hold off eating it now he has made plans for Saturday.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
With a whole lot of "why" questions that I know aren't productive.
This is very eerie. I've been having so many of these same questions lately. If I replace your H with my W this could apply to me.
I’m angry, why is she still here, why is she so nice, why am I still so attracted, why no hints….
Even though all these “why” questions aren't productive, it's really hard to keep them out of my head.
I did buy a punching bag to hang up tonight. I’m looking forward to the exercise and stress release.
Take care.
I think maybe it's just part of the LBS journey. I know personally I go back and forth on being angry. So I try to bear in mind these feelings come and go.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Have you thought about the mere fact that H is being nice lately is because he's more relaxed around you because of your awesome calmness?
I say this all the time: the LBS does have an influence on the WAS through their actions, behaviors, and word choices.
You're right Wonka! He has been nice to me throughout the sitch but he does seem more relaxed lately - like the more calm I am, the more calm he is, almost like he's mirroring me. Although last night he was very indifferent after I went out but eh, who knows why, maybe it was a one time thing or a bad day.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
He is noticing the changes alright! Of course, they won't mention them because they don't want to raise our hopes.
Smile inwardly and know that you got this!
Thanks for the encouragement!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Like I said, feelings are so fluid. I've moved from anger to pity, now. I actually feel really sorry for H.
His life seems so boring. We used to do lots of different activities together. We were always trying out new stuff together. It was our "thing", going on adventures.
Now, he goes to work, he exercises, he sleeps, he watches TV and he goes out drinking with his friends. His only activities are going for drinks or the odd dinner. He has no hobbies, and apart from his ski trip, the only other activities he's done since BD have been with me (geocaching, going to a maze, going to standup comedy). When he gets home from work, if he isn't meeting his friends for a drink and I'm out, he just binge watches Battlestar Galactica for 5 hours straight.
Since BD I have: -gone to several comedy nights -gone to the theatre a few times -taken a belly dancing class -been to Meetups and met new people -attended free lectures on topics from forgiveness to politics to cybersecurity -gone to the roller disco -gone to a very strange performance art piece -been to the cinema a few times -been to a gig -booked tickets to a festival in June
My life is actually quite full and exciting and until just now I didn't realise how much more exciting than his.
Poor H sitting on his own watching TV while I GAL.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Hi Zues, I forgot to mention, but when he first noticed the box of it I said I'd probably make it Saturday morning. This was before he'd decided to stay round his friend's house. So, I don't know if he hasn't put 2 and 2 together, or if he thinks I'm going to hold off eating it now he has made plans for Saturday.
Hi Zues, I forgot to mention, but when he first noticed the box of it I said I'd probably make it Saturday morning. This was before he'd decided to stay round his friend's house. So, I don't know if he hasn't put 2 and 2 together, or if he thinks I'm going to hold off eating it now he has made plans for Saturday.
AN EXPECTATION.
You know what I say about those - right?
Do you mean on his part, or mine?
On my end, I only expect to make and eat my uttapam this weekend. And enjoy it, hopefully.
Last edited by susana4; 02/26/1505:18 PM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I guess my point is to stop worrying about him, he made his plans you made yours. Their are consequences to every decision we make in life, it is hard enough worrying about ourselves, dont further your burden worrying about him too.
I guess my point is to stop worrying about him, he made his plans you made yours. Their are consequences to every decision we make in life, it is hard enough worrying about ourselves, dont further your burden worrying about him too.
Ah ok I see. I think I am finally not worrying about him in this case, I realised that I almost always *do* alter my plans around him, like in the past I would have not cooked a meal I wanted simply because I knew he wanted it too but he wasn't around. So I would have waited for him to make this meal. And this does not make for a healthy relationship, whether in the end I end up with him or someone else. So, I'm not taking his plans into consideration, and making this meal for me, because I want it.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I want to circle back to the cold/clingy thing - does your anger manifest in a coldness usually?
He's singing to you about food;) does this count as a move toward you in your book? Is this his way of showing interest in you? Or interest in food?
Your feelings are totally normal. God knows there were days I looked down upon my H and had so much anger for him. Everyone around here goes thru it. But S will have a better chance to come around IF there is unconditional love (at somewhat a distance?) while you decide IF he is someone worthy of you and who you want to fight DB-style for.
Hugs, you're doing great!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I want to circle back to the cold/clingy thing - does your anger manifest in a coldness usually?
Yes - usually coldness and b!tchiness. Sometimes I'd go cold/withdraw/stop talking and then he'd repeatedly ask me what was wrong until I exploded and got shouty. Other I'd go straight to shouty angry and then go cold/stop speaking/walk away. It especially bothered H when I walked away in an argument but it wasn't always a conscious choice, sometimes I'd just do it in.
Now, I'm trying to catch myself and not be reactive in arguments and act more calm instead of cold, and calmly explain my view.
Originally Posted By: Zelda09
He's singing to you about food;) does this count as a move toward you in your book? Is this his way of showing interest in you? Or interest in food?
I'd say a little of both. He loves making up silly little songs. We used to sing one about chores when we were doing housework together, and we had a "date night song", too. He always told me he loved that he could sing his little songs around me because most people made fun of them, but I always found it endearing.
Originally Posted By: Zelda09
Your feelings are totally normal. God knows there were days I looked down upon my H and had so much anger for him. Everyone around here goes thru it. But S will have a better chance to come around IF there is unconditional love (at somewhat a distance?) while you decide IF he is someone worthy of you and who you want to fight DB-style for.
Hugs, you're doing great!
Thanks Z, good to know it's normal. I've come to realise my feeling fluctuate wildly throughout a week or even a day - sometimes I feel really happy, other times down, sometimes very loving towards H and sometimes very angry, like earlier.
My overall goal which I try to keep in mind is unconditional love. Before I started DBing or even discovered it, I did a day of meditation and introspection and thought about my sitch and what I wanted to do. I concluded that no matter what happened, I wanted to be able to consistently love H throughout the whole process.
Of course, that's harder some days than others.
Loving from a distance makes sense. I guess deciding whether he is someone worthy is best done from a distance too. (This detachment thing I am always hearing about but finding hard!) From a distance I can see more clearly and not get sucked into anger, etc.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
H went out for drinks, no clue when he's coming back, but I've had a nice evening in on my own.
I do find it curious that last night I went out and got back much later than normal and he was still awake a long time past his bedtime...and tonight he's gone out and stayed out much later than normal... Maybe just coincidence though, who knows.
I am a little worried we're going to end up in a situation again where we're trying to out-GAL each other, like what happened a few weeks ago when I withdrew a bit and made myself GAL nearly every night. It was like we started egging each other on - I was going out more and more, so he was too, he stayed out later and later so I did too. It was exhausting.
But, tonight was fun. I went through my drawers and found some clothes I'd forgotten I owned. One red top in particular looks really good, and happens to match my nails. The post-BD weight loss has been really a really nice boost to my self image.
I cooked, which always makes me feel good. Made a new curry recipe, and lemon rice. Then I did some recipe development for a peanut butter company - double chocolate chip peanut butter coconut cookies. They are SO good.
But, if I keep eating them, I will undo all the post-BD weight loss.
I'll take some with me tomorrow when I go down to visit my friend, and I will probably give some to H to take to his college buddies' house over the weekend.
I want to be able to wear the jeans I just bought!
Last edited by susana4; 02/26/1511:52 PM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Hey Susanna. Caught up again. You are doing a great job. I also noticed one thing, you talk about yourself all the time, which is great!!! You don't give too much attention to H in your posts, it's great to see you focus on yourself. That's what you need to continue.
If you feel down in the mornings (I experience that all the time too) just try to leave the house as soon as you can. That's what usually helps me. And if you are worried about things during the day, here's a tip. Identify if your worry is a GOOD or a BAD worry. You will know which one is good and whicb one is bad. Then try to think of something else right away, force it. It truly helps just to "catch" yourself worrying about sth you shouldn't and distract yourself from it
Have a nice weekend! What are your plans?
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Thanks Complex. I feel like I still think about him a lot but way less than I did before. Thanks for the advice about the mornings, and worries. Definitely need to do that with my worries!
Thanks! I'm planning to go out and visit a friend today who lives about an hour and a half away. He's not doing so well (was having suicidal thoughts the other day). Saturday I will go to my belly dancing class if I get up early enough and then I thought I'd do some shopping and try for spa night, take 2. Sunday a friend is hosting brunch, and somehow these things turn into all-day affairs. Hope you have nice plans for the weekend too!
Well, I think I'm about to break that and give H more attention in my next post...
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
We ML again last night. This time wasn't as passionate, but was very tender, and there was a lot of kissing and hand holding.
But first, I'll back up.
H arrived back around midnight and was in a really good mood. Or maybe it was that I was in a really good mood and he reflected it?
He ate some of the curry and lemon rice I'd made, and I sat at the table with him and had a cookie and we talked and joked and laughed. He *loved* the food and he wouldn't stop telling me how much. "You're so clever, I can't believe you invented these cookies!" "I make you crap food and you make THIS" and "I get to come home to the most AMAZING food!"
I got in bed and he came to say good night to me but was in a very jokey/playful mood and started teasing me about how grumpy I am in the mornings. He got in bed and said he was going to do an impression of what I look like when I wake up in the morning (it made me laugh). Then he settled into the bed and he said "oh I'm so comfortable". It seemed like he didn't want to get up and sleep on the sofa but I didn't invite him to stay.
We started playing a game where we tried to pick each other up. (Clearly I lost very badly, and he won by a mile. lol) At one point he picked me up and put me back down but was still holding on to me, and then he just stared in my eyes for a really long time, and started running his hands up and down my body. I kissed him very briefly - only a second - which was what my DB coach suggested (just doing a quick kiss). He pulled back so I didn't initiate again. He kept caressing me but then he looked like he was about to cry so I stopped him. He started touching me again and then stopped himself, saying "this is a bad idea, I'm drunk but you're so beautiful."
We had a pseudo R talk. We were lying down (him lying on top of me) and holding each other for the whole thing. He told me repeatedly "I don't want to be a d**k, you're so beautiful. I just don't want to be a d**k and you're lovely." I asked him how he thought he was being a d**k but he didn't say, he just kept repeating he didn't want to be. He also said "I think we're both just really horny individuals." (Basically, I think he meant it would just be sex - or perhaps that he hasn't changed his mind about our M)
He then told me "It's really hard living with you sometimes, you're so beautiful and I get turned on all the time." Now, this wasn't good, but I lost control over the first bit and started crying. He very gently wiped the tears away from my eyes and said "why are you crying? I was complimenting you." I apologised for being hard to live with and he said "you're not. I love living with you".
H then apologised for making a move on me, and said again "I don't want to be a d**k." I told him that there was no need to apologise, it was flattering, everyone likes to be attractive. He told me "you're so brave". I kept asking him what he meant by that but he just kept repeating it, and then eventually said "because you keep smiling. You don't have to. But it's nice." (I'm still confused about what he meant by this but he wouldn't clarify) So I just said "I smile because I'm happy." And he said he was happy I was happy.
We then talked a little bit about the sex we had the other night. Of course that turned both of us on. Then he kissed me - really tenderly, and really, really long. We ML. It was completely different to the other night, which was very physical and animalistic. This time it was very tender, we kissed a LOT (pretty much the whole time) and he kept stroking my hair and holding my hand. Afterwards, we kissed and then he pulled me into his chest for a cuddle. My head fits really perfectly into this one spot on his chest and we used to call it "my spot" and always talked about how his chest was made for my head, or vice versa (in fact it was one of the first things we talked about post-BD, how much we'd both miss cuddling like that), so it felt nice but a little strange after 3 months of not having my head there.
Then we had a very weird exchange. He said "well I guess I better get in bed" and started to get up like he was going to the sofa. I didn't say anything (inside in my head I was screaming "DON'T freak out, don't tell him to stay, don't freak out" - but I was a bit upset because I'd expected him to stay, since he did last time - i know, no expectations). So I bit my tongue, and he went to hug me but I didn't really reciprocate (I know I ended up being a bit cold but oh well, it was all I could do to keep from saying something I'd regret so I couldn't fake warmth on top of it). And then he just looked at me for a few seconds and then said "Can I stay here?" I said yes, and he went and got his phone and charger from the living room and set it up next to the bed and set his alarm.
We settled in to bed. I stayed over on my side, not touching him, but he kept putting his leg up against mine and then eventually grabbed my arm and pulled it around him so I was spooning him. We used to always sleep like this.
We ended up ML a second time, and again it was very tender, with a lot of kissing, stroking each other's faces and him stroking my hair. Afterwards, he said "we *do* have really good sex." He again pulled me towards him so I was spooning him and we fell asleep like that.
So, my goal now is to remain calm and not let this throw me into a tailspin like last time. So far this morning I feel good. Then I want to figure out: 1. is this good for me? Well, it *feels* really good and I have a very high sex drive so physically it's been very good. Obviously, freaking out and being clingy/pursuing was not cool after it happened last weekend, so I'm not sure if it's good for my emotional health. Will see how I react this time. In the longer term, well, a lot of my friends are warning me I will get hurt because ultimately I want to save my M and if my H doesn't I'll get hurt. Not sure I buy this because I will be hurt if we D, regardless of whether we've been ML.
2. does this move him closer to me, or further away, or nothing? / is this good for my DBing? On the one hand, my DB coach (and I believe it's what it said in DR) said that ML can be very good because it brings a couple together. She also said that while sometimes sex is just sex to men, it's also key to men for deepening their feelings and they tend to feel connected after sex (assuming they have an emotional connection, not just sex for sex's sake). On the other, if we take the view 'act like you are just starting to date', I definitely wouldn't be having sex at a very early stage (well, depends on how far into 'dating' we mean).
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Can't answer those questions, but one compass I've used to steer is asking myself this: Looking back in a year or five years, will I feel good about my decisions?
You might get hurt. You might remain attached or have expectations. There's a good chance you will, because it's possible that your H won't recommit to an M or if he does it will be a long time from now and you'll suffer from the loss before you have a chance to reconnect. But are your decisions made from a place of character, strength, doing what's best for your sitch and to support a man you committed to loving? Or are they made from fear, desperation, controlling/clinging behavior, that you will look back as degrading and cheapening to the person you are?
If you are making this decision out of strength and love and are willing to accept pain as a result because you want to live by your values and character, AND it's "working" in your sitch and supported by your DB coach, I am 100% for it.
This too shall pass. I doubt in 3 months you'll be in the same sitch. Maybe not in 3 weeks. So it's not a lifelong ordeal. Just keep making decisions in line with your values and mission.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks Zues. Good things to think about. I think I have to answer those questions myself, and find the answers inside me. The compass you suggested sounds good to me, and I will continue to think about this.
I feel pretty good so far today. I'm happy, it's sunny out and I'm going to visit a friend. And I have cookies. Although unfortunately not as many as I'd planned to bring to my friend because H accidentally took 2 bags of cookies instead of 1. (Hmm accident? )
I feel really different to how I did last week after ML. I'm not worried about if it means anything. I'm just looking forward to seeing my friend and the rest of my weekend plans.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
What a wonderful update. Two ML sessions! Wonderful.
I am going to say some things to make you think a bit more about where you are at. MWD states in her book that is okay for both spouses to ML when appropriate.
Now, keep in mind about the differences between men and women...based on what I've read. Men need the sex to feel the connection first before the emotions come. Women need to feel the emotions to feel connected first before engaging in ML.
Your H, to me, is tentative about connecting with you emotionally as I sense that he's not yet ready to be fully vulnerable which is what I think he meant by 'not being a d!ck.' That's okay because your recent 180s have confused him and yet delighted him. Keep going. You're on the right track.
At some point, H's wall will eventually crumble and there will be a real mutual bond between the two of you. It will be a while before that happens so you're going have to dig deep for some of that patience cookie.
Since you two have been GALing like crazy separately, I am thinking that you suggest that you two just go out for a fun event sometime next week. A pub with homemade brewry, improv show, etc. You two need more laughter and levity because those produce chemicals that bonds a couple.
Hi Wonka, Thanks! Certainly made a nice start to the weekend.
Thanks for the insights on men vs men and sex. That makes sense and is in line with what my DB coach was saying to me after last week's LM.
Ok, that makes sense too (about him not ready to be vulnerable). I am definitely going to keep up the 180s - it's made me so much happier too. I realised how much I let negativity rule my life (in the form of criticism, panicking over small things like a plate being dropped on the floor). Life is happier without these upsets.
Patience, ok. I will dig deep for that! Thank god I have found these boards to keep me sane. Thank you so much for your continued wisdom and support Wonka!
Good idea on the activity! I will suggest something next week, when H gets back from his weekend with his college buddies.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
S - my H and I ML 2-3 times ex spouse, cold and physical before the turning point.
What you describe, and I don't want to get your hopes up - every situation is different - is the feelings coming back. Session #4 for us was tender. Took him about five days before he resolved it all and realized he wanted to work it out.
Have a date, fun. Have a talk that brings you closer together. ML again. Give space - Keep showing him the sexy brave Susanna he's about to lose.
Fire on all cylinders around the week if you want this.
Dignity!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Well, at least someone is getting some action on these boards!
This "I don't want to be a dick" statement is worrying me, especially that he lacks the self-awareness (or honesty?) to explain it. It sounds like he's conflicted between satisfying his needs (the S) and being a Nice Guy. It's awful for us to "be a dick" because we think that to have our needs satisfied, we need to tend to the needs of others. So now he's in a bind where the two contradict. Of course, you want him to stay because he's satisfied with you, not because he's scared of hurting you. You probably haven't gotten there yet but you seem to be making progress.
Perhaps because I'm a man, I'm not as enthusiastic as Wonka and others about your recent progress. You know that I ML a lot with my EX1 after we broke up and while I had no intention of R. I think you're making progress nevertheless. I don't know yet that this road leads all the way to R. But keep rolling.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
For what it's worth (and I'm no vet), I lean towards Mozza's perspective as well. Maybe it's because we're coming from a guy's POV, but I'll be blunt about what I see about last night- he went out with friends, came home drunk (even admitted it), wanted some 'action' and got it.
With that said, I DO see progress in your sitch. I just don't want to see you get hurt by reading too much into the ML sessions.
Mozza - did you ever feel the need to caress your EX1, kiss her, compliment her, cuddle with her afterward?
Honestly, it was 16 years ago and I don't remember (but I remember the fantastic sex!).
My explanation for why he was so cuddly this time is that he doesn't like to be "a dick". Last time, he tried to fulfill susana4's physical needs and this time, the emotional needs. He wants her to love him, forgive him for what he's doing. He can't bear the idea that someone somewhere doesn't like him. For him too, it can be hard to let go of the intimacy (not sex). My WAW and I ML three times during the week of S talks. She's the one who came to the bedroom to cuddle, likely because she felt the upcoming loss. She was visibly distressed and was seeking comfort, which I provided.
I'm no vet so I don't want to weigh on the DB techniques, but rather share my experience. I don't know what's going on in H's head and, as I wrote above, I think susana4 should continue along this path, for what it's worth.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yes, I agree that you should carry on as you are Susana. Certainly, your H seems to be drawing closer rather than further. I too am concerned about the comment - I don't want to be a dick - like on the one hand he wants to ML, but on the other hand, he still may feel he wants to leave. And he feels ML to you is thus unfair. But still he feels some passion and some tenderness, but on the other hand he may still want to go. That's the sense I get.
I would certainly keep your expectations pretty low. Maybe just see this as S that you are having during an uncertain time in your M, rather than a huge turn in your sitch. There could well be bends in the road ahead....and only you can know whether it's ok for you to ML and feel less detached amidst this uncertainty.
Hope you have a good weekend! T x
Last edited by Toots; 02/27/1508:08 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I just thought of something else that my IC mentioned to me this week, as we spoke about sex. He put sex at the end of a spectrum of carnal pleasures and specifically mentioned food as another such pleasure. I notice that susana4's thread is a lot about food and sex lately and I would dare suggest that the two are connected. In fact, I would go as far as to say that it's not surprising that you're both such an outstanding cook and very sensual.
Susana4, your cooking sounds de-li-ci-ous and your H acknowledges all the pleasure he gets from it. It doesn't seem a stretch to me to say that those fine meals are as much an invitation to jump in bed with you as the sexy jeans.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Jumping on with Mozza and Toots and Tarheel about concerns about the "I don't want to be a dick" comment.
Also concerned about the "I love living with you" comment.
Was H drunk the first time you ML?
I would just keep your expectations low -- and I would certainly suggest that you don't ML with the hopes that it will lure him back in. If you do ML -- know exactly why you're doing it and without expectations.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
My explanation for why he was so cuddly this time is that he doesn't like to be "a dick". Last time, he tried to fulfill susana4's physical needs and this time, the emotional needs. He wants her to love him, forgive him for what he's doing. He can't bear the idea that someone somewhere doesn't like him.
This is pretty much how I read it too. I also think he's a smart enough guy to know that -- if he didn't kiss (and be tender with) Susana this time, after she'd told him how much it upset her last time -- he may get cut off.
I think it's nothing short of fascinating how the men and the women are reading the same incident very differently!
Susana, I think if you now pull back and cut him off -- playfully -- he will pursue you.
"No, not this time . . . I think we've done quite enough! (laughing) I think we should cool it for awhile. Ta-ta!"
a) you would feel great about yourself that YOU are in control; and
b) as natural pursuers, this plays to his male instincts.
I would especially do the above if he had been drinking again the next time: "I think you'd better take your drunk big head and your little head to the couch, sweetie -- let's see how we both feel about this another day, when you're sober." (again, said playfully)
The first time you made love was all about pleasure and getting off and control. I too aim to please and give more in bed and for me it is a control thing; I like to know I can use my body to make a woman go crazy. It is also an ego boost to know that you can get a woman off in different ways. I think your first time was all about the physical and the forbidden fruit. He was drunk and wanted to get physical pleasure and feel like a man.
This latest episode I think is about love and caring. The kissing is a VERY big deal. I definitely noticed when my W would avoid kissing me when we made love, and it was a sign that something was off (hello EA). Not to be blunt but, prostitutes do not kiss and if they do it costs extra. No I am not calling you a prostitute, I am using it as an example of the difference between sex and making love.
I have a tender heart and I enjoy making love WAY more than having sex. To me sex is almost meaningless without love. I saw a lot of myself in your last two ML sessions with your husband.
My take is this. He was drunk and wanted to f@#k the first time, many men feel this way after drinking. After that I think his heart opened up to emotions and has seen a kinder gentler DB version of yourself.
The second time he wanted to have the emotional and physical connection of making love. I would assume he was less focused on getting you off and more focused on the shared experience. Lots of kissing and eye contact and more loving gestures.
The I don't want to be a dick part? I would interpret it as his insecurities manifesting and not wanting to be seen as using you as a sex toy. The thoughts I would be having would be the feeling of emotional closeness and vulnerability about having sex again and not wanting it to be seen as only purely physical. I would want my W to know that sex means more than just physical pleasure. But these are my feelings. I always felt sex was easy anyone can have it, making love is special and meaningful and not everyone gets to experience it.
I would wager to say he will back off into his cave again and seem confused. His heart should be open ever so slightly more to emotional connection and he may start to ask you or give you hints about wanting to know how you feel emotionally about the sex. Last time he was excited he got you off, this time he may want to know that there was an emotional connection there as well. He will probably be mulling this over in his head as he zones out in front of a TV. Give him space to figure it out and let him be.
The I love living with you comment. My guess would be he is a typical male and states what immediately seems to be what he likes, living with you. He probably hasn't gone deeper in his thoughts as to WHY he loves it. Remember we speak from different planets. I would take this as a positive sign. Men like the feeling of comfort. It looks to be a sign that the road back is getting smoother and smoother.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Susana, I think if you now pull back and cut him off -- playfully -- he will pursue you.
"No, not this time . . . I think we've done quite enough! (laughing) I think we should cool it for awhile. Ta-ta!"
a) you would feel great about yourself that YOU are in control; and
b) as natural pursuers, this plays to his male instincts.
I would especially do the above if he had been drinking again the next time: "I think you'd better take your drunk big head and your little head to the couch, sweetie -- let's see how we both feel about this another day, when you're sober." (again, said playfully)
Starsky
He is hitting the nail on the head right there. You can take back control and he would follow you like a puppy with his tongue out.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
I think Gogofo has some great insight and is a pretty even read.
Again, I gave drunk or not ML sessions a big part of credit for the connection and walls that started dissolving. If we hadn't had that, I wonder if my H and I would have found the point of it all again. I have no doubt there was a likelihood it could have all just been something physical in an alternate universe nearby. No one wants to see you hurt.
Don't let us and our armchair look at it all rattle you - there's no way to know, your H probably doesn't! But we all agree I think you're on the right track.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Zues, Wonka, Zelda, Mozza, Tarheel, Calibri, Starsky, Gogofo (think that's everyone!) - thanks so, so much for your different viewpoints - I really appreciate hearing all of the different thoughts and it's interesting how much feelings around sex, and reactions to it, vary by person!
Lots and lots for me to think about.
I just wanted to say - I have low to no expectations here. Frankly, I am happy to be ML because I don't know when I'll next get an opportunity and I have a very high sex drive... But, I am trying my best to follow Cadet's advice - no expectations! I know sex is sex is sex. I am going to keep on doing what I've been doing.
Starsky - just wanted to say I did NOT tell H I was bothered last time about the no kissing! The only thing I told him after last time was "I had fun" (when he asked if we should talk about it) - and then changed the subject. Great advice on what to do next time. I think that would work a treat. Just need to make sure I carry it out and don't get carried away (I'm not really one to turn sex down, I can only think of one instance when I ever turned H down, I know it's men who typically "think with the wrong head" but even though I'm a woman, I do that too!). But I need to stay strong, because that sounds like an awesome plan.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Starsky - just wanted to say I did NOT tell H I was bothered last time about the no kissing! The only thing I told him after last time was "I had fun" (when he asked if we should talk about it) - and then changed the subject.
I just thought of something else that my IC mentioned to me this week, as we spoke about sex. He put sex at the end of a spectrum of carnal pleasures and specifically mentioned food as another such pleasure. I notice that susana4's thread is a lot about food and sex lately and I would dare suggest that the two are connected. In fact, I would go as far as to say that it's not surprising that you're both such an outstanding cook and very sensual.
Susana4, your cooking sounds de-li-ci-ous and your H acknowledges all the pleasure he gets from it. It doesn't seem a stretch to me to say that those fine meals are as much an invitation to jump in bed with you as the sexy jeans.
Mozza, this made me giggle! Thank you for the compliment on my cooking btw!
I actually clocked earlier this morning that both times H and I ML recently was the night I'd cooked him a really nice meal (one which resulted in him oohing and aahing repeatedly over my "amazing cooking skills" (his words)). And coincidentally, cookies. Maybe cookies lead to sex? (Man, wish I'd discovered that a long time ago!)
One of my favourite sitches, one that I really connect with on a gut level in spite of some differences, is Dia's: Dia's thread (Btw - don't think she's in your success stories, so here's one for that!)
She talks a lot about being sensual and cooking and created some amazing-sounding meals (all her posts made me drool!)
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I feel like I'm in *such* a better place this time than I was last time we ML. Just wanted to say thank you to everyone on this board for helping me forward on my journey so far.
I am not second guessing or panicking or worrying, I just feel really content and happy today.
I went to visit my friend (who'd been having suicidal thoughts earlier this week). He seems in a much better place, that was the only day he had them and he hasn't since. I was a little worried he said I was the only person he told, and he doesn't want to speak to his doctor or anyone else. But, he seemed to be doing well today, and we had a great afternoon. Went for a walk through the countryside, toured a 16th century timber framed house (so cool, and it was free!), and got to play with his 17 month old nephew. The sun was out and flowers in bloom (even saw a few daffodils!), so it really felt like spring is nearly here.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Felt a little bit down this morning - seems like lately my good days are followed almost immediately by a day where I feel down. Nothing too bad, just accidentally stumbled across a photo H took of me in happier times from a picnic we had in the park, and then I got a little bit down. It's good to be aware of this, I think in the future I should plan an activity for the morning when I think I'm going to be having a 'down' day.
Spent most of the afternoon shopping. Accidentally spent way too much. Didn't blow the budget luckily, but I'd planned to buy a few new outfits this month and now it looks like I won't.
Got some sexy new knickers, and ended up picking up some jewellery - hadn't planned that but I found some really pretty earrings and a necklace I couldn't resist. And I got a sheer top that will go well with new jeans I got last week. All were on sale so I was feeling pretty good.
And then I found *the dress*. It was way more than I intended to spend in total on everything, but it was beautiful. It's a black dress with lace paneling and I think it might be the sexiest dress I've ever owned. Now I just need to work out where to wear it!
I had the uttapam for breakfast (couldn't help humming H's uttapam song), and for dinner I made a killer meal. It was a buffalo burger with homemade ranch mayo, red onion and tomato, with a side of sweet potato fries.
As gogofo predicted, H seems to have pulled back/gone into his cave. He's with his college buddies all weekend, hasn't texted at all. Will see what he's like when he gets back tomorrow.
Going round a friend's for brunch tomorrow, but I expect it will turn into a loooong brunch, they always do. Hope everyone's having a good weekend so far!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Crazy random idea for you - change of scenery for you both - perhaps a weekend away invite? Things have been flirty and friendly enough with you guys. Especially after the separate space you're enjoying, I wonder if getting out of the house (old environment, old struggles, old dynamics and feelings) might do you both good if you think it wouldn't scare anybody to commit to a long date like that? I wonder if you kept the invite light and just let him know you'd enjoy his company.
What do you think?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Hi Z! Hope you're having a nice weekend Yes, definitely a dress for cocktails & a nice meal. Hopefully I'll find a nice opportunity to wear it soon.
Hmm...I'm a little worried it will scare him off at this point! I have a call with my DB coach Monday so I'll discuss with her what she suggests. It would be really nice to do at some point. You have given me a good idea though - just thinking about it now, my friend has a place on the coast and I think it would be perfect for if/when it's a good time to suggest a weekend away. It's only about an hour away so wouldn't take too long or cost too much to get there but it would be nice and relaxing. Getting away and going on adventures has always been really important to us.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
You may well want to wear it whan you are going out without him - looking lovely - out with your GFs for a drink.....he may well wonder a little about that one....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I've only read up on this thread but it sounds like your doing an amazing job with everything. Keep up the great work. Also, love the geocaching! I discovered it about a year ago and rarely hear anyone talk about it, so it's always a nice surprise when I see someone mention it.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
You may well want to wear it whan you are going out without him - looking lovely - out with your GFs for a drink.....he may well wonder a little about that one....
Thanks Toots! Yeah, that's what I was thinking, I don't have any upcoming drinks plans but I might just have to speak to my GFs later about planning something soon. It seems a bit crazy to plan drinks around a dress but I want an excuse to wear it! Lol.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I've only read up on this thread but it sounds like your doing an amazing job with everything. Keep up the great work. Also, love the geocaching! I discovered it about a year ago and rarely hear anyone talk about it, so it's always a nice surprise when I see someone mention it.
Thanks Fogg! It definitely wasn't this easy in the beginning, and I still have a ways to go but I feel like I am doing a lot better.
Geocaching seems to be a "secret" still but it's a shame not more people know about it because it's really fun! I think you're the first person I've met that has heard of it!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
It is fun, I wish more people know about it. Since my situation has started its helped me a few times in some unusual ways.
The first two weeks of January I was suicidal and wishing I could just die. I was looking for any reason to live. I went to church and prayed for a sign to keep going, any sign. The pastor mentioned geocaching in the service that day and that gave me what I needed to continue on. It was actually pretty shocking to hear and I tend to not think it was just by random chance.
Reading up on everyone's stories gives me strength I never knew I had. I see how far so many have come and realize I can do the same.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Wow, Fogg. That's quite a story. I hope you are feeling better now, and you were able to speak to a counselor or doctor about your suicidal feelings (are you still having them?). Glad the geocaching helped so much, too.
Yes, I've found reading others' stories on here incredibly helpful and inspiring. You can definitely do it, too! Just be patient and remember to keep working the process.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Had a bit of a slow start to my morning again. I did a grocery shop online which I usually do weekly, which delivered today. You have to place the order 48 hours in advance (but you can edit it up to 12 hours beforehand) and since there's a minimum spend requirement I frequently put a 'holder' item (usually something somewhat expensive like a bottle of booze) in to meet the minimum spend, just to make sure I reserve the day/time I want, and go back and edit the order later, taking out the 'holder' item and ordering the food I want.
This week, I forgot to edit the order in time and I've ended up with a bottle of gin, along with a few other items, but not all the food I would have ordered otherwise! Guess I'm having G&Ts for dinner this week.
Heading off to my friends' for brunch in a little bit. He appears to have made three or four dozen cinnamon rolls (for just 6 of us!).
H will be back from his weekend with college buddies later, and I'm really not sure what he'll be like. Will be interesting to see what sort of mood he's in and whether he's in pullback mode still.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
H came back just as I was about to head out the door. We chatted a few minutes.
He said I looked nice (I was wearing a dress and makeup done for my brunch) and asked if my necklace was new. (It's one I bought over the weekend) he also noticed my new top hanging up and asked about it too.
He was doing his whole staring at me like he was about to kiss me but not doing it.
He asked if I had dinner plans tonight and when I said I didn't, asked if I could teach him how to make salad. (Lol I know that sounds weird, who needs a lesson on making salad? But I think he meant my special salad dressing.)
One of my goals was for him to invite me to do something together but I don't think this counts as its in the house.
Wonka, I invited him to do something this week - suggested a sourdough pizza place he's been wanting to try. He said he won't have this week before he leaves on his trip (he's off on a ski holiday from Thursday) but he suggested next week and said he's back next Monday. In retrospect maybe he was waiting on me to suggest a day next week but I just said "ok next week then". Oh well.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
One other small thing I forgot - I was rushing out the door but there was a rather large pile of dishes I stop needed to do. H told me he'd do them and I should go ahead and meet my friends.
It didn't seem fair because they were from last night and this morning and he wasn't even there (our deal was always if you are the others cooking you washed the dishes), and it seemed sort of mean to leave him with all that work and go meet my friends but I was running really late and he offered...so I did.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
You've made some real progress. New clothes and jewelry. H noticed! Baby....that's real good to see.
I like Zelda's idea. However, hold it off for another time as the timing isn't right to use it because you and H are tentative. Too much, too soon.
Your H suggested an alternative time for the pizza event. It shows that he was receptive to the idea. You would want to make sure to plan for it after H returns back from his trip.
Making salad! Yeah...make it a fun activity for the pair of you. He asked for your help. He's warming up to you.
Well, when I came home he'd already put on music and mood lighting (of his own volition, I didn't suggest it), yet was acting a little bit distant and my jokes didn't get many laughs tonight. He was in the middle of a project (related to his work, but something he's doing as a personal project in his free time). So I took it as that being why he was distant; he mentioned he "couldn't tear himself away" from it and that he couldn't stop thinking about part of it he was trying to solve, so I told him we could make dinner whenever he felt like a break. He logged off within a few minutes but seemed distracted.
Then after we finished eating he started on the project again and has ignored me since. Oh well. Leaving him be!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
You've made some real progress. New clothes and jewelry. H noticed! Baby....that's real good to see.
Thanks! Pretty sure when I get around to wearing the new dress (GFs promised me we will do cocktails soon) his eyes will *completely* leave his head.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
I like Zelda's idea. However, hold it off for another time as the timing isn't right to use it because you and H are tentative. Too much, too soon.
Yeah, agreed. I think it might scare him off right now. I think if/when we reach the right state it would be a great plan to get away for a little bit. But don't want to scare the deer off at this stage.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Your H suggested an alternative time for the pizza event. It shows that he was receptive to the idea. You would want to make sure to plan for it after H returns back from his trip.
Making salad! Yeah...make it a fun activity for the pair of you. He asked for your help. He's warming up to you.
You're doing sooooo good, baby.
Thank you!! And yes I'll definitely follow up after he's back. Maybe I missed a trick not setting a day now after he suggested doing next week but I will just follow up when he's back from his trip.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Wow, Fogg. That's quite a story. I hope you are feeling better now, and you were able to speak to a counselor or doctor about your suicidal feelings (are you still having them?).
I didn't see a doctor but my counselor helped once W stopped going and it switched over to individual counseling. Those feeling are long gone, I'm in a much better place and I don't expect them to ever come back. Thanks for asking!
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Hi Susana - good for you with the PMA and leaving H be...enjoy your evening!
Thanks Toots. Not going to lie, I was a little confused why he did the lights and music but Then seemed completely distracted.
I called my grandmother because it was her birthday and I owed her a call. She cracks me up. H seemed to warm up a little after my call but was still pretty glued to the computer. Who knows!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Asked H if he wanted to join me watching TV so we watched an episode of friends together before bed, also showed him a funny youtube video, so we had a laugh together. He still seemed a little distant. But he completely lit up talking about his project. He was super excited to show me what he'd been working on and very animatedly asked me to come look at his computer and said he wanted me to see it - it was actually really impressive and very cool, so I told him so. He also said again how pretty he thought my new top was. However when he hugged me good night he gave me a much quicker (and less warm) hug than usual. He seemed so hot and cold tonight.
I tried to just centre myself (and focus my attention on myself, like Zelda said). Just need to stay calm and centered, not let anything rock me.
Going to see my GP tomorrow to discuss how the ADs are working. I think I am mainly past the side effects and they seem to be doing fairly well at regulating my mood but I don't know if they're really helping my anxiety (which she said they would) so I'm going to talk to her about that.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I just remembered - he also brought up the pizza place again while we were making salad, although only a small thing, to ask if I'd read the section of their website on tomatoes, because he'd read it and thought I would enjoy it.
(I just read it, and I do love it - these people are as obsessed with tomatoes as me!)
Last edited by susana4; 03/02/1512:26 AM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Had this conversation with H this morning before he headed out the door:
Me: The salad you made last night was really nice, did you enjoy making it? H: No. The salad tasted good but I didn't like making it. Me: Oh. (laughing) Well I enjoyed teaching you. H: Oh I had a LOT of fun with you teaching me, I really liked that. But I don't fancy making my own salad dressing again any time soon, that is way too complicated for me.
Lol. Well I could have predicted that - I was pretty shocked when he asked me for the salad-making lesson because he hates cooking (he loves eating my food but doesn't like cooking himself).
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Had this conversation with H this morning before he headed out the door:
Me: The salad you made last night was really nice, did you enjoy making it?
More fishing/smothering. ^^^
Ok, point taken. I should have stopped myself before the question. The emphasis was more on the first part, I went in just with the intention to give a compliment (one of my 180s is to be less critical and more grateful/complimentary), so I should have stopped after it.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Thanks, I appreciate you keeping me on the right track!
Tonight, I have a call with my DB coach, which I'll make from a coffee shop. Told H I was going out tonight. I am getting all dolled up and doing my hair and makeup before heading out, might as well keep the mystery eh? Lol. Plus I know dressing up will boost my confidence even if I'm just going to a coffee shop to make a phone call!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Ha -- I love it! In all my years on here, you've gotta be the first person I've seen combining the "look good/smell good, go out and GAL be-mysterious" thing with a DB COACHING SESSION!!! Hahahahah . . . that's classic.
Starsky - I'm probably the only weirdo who's ever gone into a DB call with full hair and makeup and heels. Lol! I'm definitely the most dressed up person in Starbucks.
Zelda - Lol, good thing you're not then!
H won't know what hit 'im when I go back. I'll head back in a minute because H is making me dinner apparently (he offered this a.m.) and I'm getting hungry.
Made a bit of a night of it and got myself a nice drink and spent some time before and after the call reading a magazine.
Just wanted to jot down a few notes from my DB coach call (unfortunately the connection was terrible and kept breaking up. Will not call from this Starbucks again. Noted.)
-It's important to have solid separate lives and feel fulfilled by other relationships outside our M, which is what we're building now, but down the road we might spend more time together because that's also important to an M -It would be good to do some more things together now, since we've spent a lot of time apart lately (believe Wonka said the same!) -DB coach and I made a list of activities to potentially suggest, including some free and cheap stuff -Share stuff I'm interested in doing and try to pique his interest (for example a lecture I'm thinking of attending he might be interested in) -I would like him to suggest an activity (outside the house, not something like last night making dinner together, although that was also nice) - coach said not to be discouraged if this doesn't happen because sometimes in couples, there is one partner (often W) who takes more charge of planning dates/activities. She said to focus more on signs of improvement in behaviour and she said there are plenty of those.
I tried to ask my coach the following question but the line completely broke up so I turn it over to the forum if anyone has any thoughts:
I think H wanted to go to the pizza place next week because he's blown his budget for this week and wants to save for his trip. So that leaves me with - do I suggest something free/cheap (or even just to make a nice meal - there's a dish I was planning to do some point this week anyway - and grab some beer/wine) tomorrow or Wednesday? Or should I leave it because I've already suggested an activity for next week.
Alright, just going to fix my makeup and put on some more lipstick before I leave Starbucks and go home. Ha!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
If it were me, I'd grab a couple of bottles of my favorite cheapie wines, some fresh tomato pizza sauce, fresh mozz for shreddin', maybe some fresh basil and some other favorite ingredients and have a little wine-drinking, pizza-making party?
But then again, I NEVER need an excuse to drink wine, OR to make homemade pizza!
And if you're either not into, or don't have time for, making fresh dough from scratch, there are a lot of good alternatives out there now. My local grocery store here (Publix) has their own fresh dough in their bakery fridge you can buy, and you just have to let it warm up for a couple of hours before spreading out. Pillsbury makes a tubed one in the refrigerated case near their rolls and croissants tubes, too. Or they sell shelf-stable (room temp) ready-made crusts near their deli. The Mama Mary's brand are pretty good, too -- I just spread a little EVOO on 'em with a pastry brush before adding my sauce (again, you can get decent canned -- the Dei Fratelli is EXCELLENT) and favorite toppings.
I never skimp on the fresh basil and the fresh motz though!
Oh I used to get dough from my local pizzeria too, years ago before it was available in the grocery store. (like 30 years ago!) At first they thought it a little strange, but I told them what I was doing, we agreed on a price, and I became a regular.
I live in a small little beach town and have never had a problem. We give them plenty of business but some nights we just like to make it fun with the boys.
I live in the UK so sadly no Publix for me but I do have Waitrose (think that's the equivalent). Definitely never would have thought to buy dough from my local pizza place though.
I love making my own dough but I don't know if I'll have time tomorrow. Definitely going to get some good toppings though!
H was pretty withdrawn tonight (watching TV, not talking) but I don't know if it was pullback or possibly just him thinking about work problem (he's still working on the same project that absorbed him almost all of last night). But he got really excited and had a big grin when I mentioned possibly making pizzas tomorrow.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Guys (ladies welcome to answer too): random question here. Earlier H accidentally stepped on my toe and I shouted in pain and he immediately scooped me up and held me. A few days ago I burned my hand while cooking and H ran at top speed into the kitchen and put his arms around my waist and gave me a big hug from behind while I put my hand under cold water. A similar thing happened last week when I poured boiling water on my foot (yeah, I'm clumsy sometimes). I assume it's the damsel in distress thing that makes him leap the touch barrier (he does touch me a lot, but this was in a different way).
But the weird thing is -- it's a 180 for him. He used to get *mad* at me when I burned myself and say it was my fault for not asking him to help. So why suddenly be nice?
There's probably no way to know, was just curious if there's some kind of male phenomenon at work here that I can learn about that's caused this 180 (I'm often clueless about these things and I've learned a lot so far about behaviour since starting to DB!). I don't recognise it from any of my reading.
Last edited by susana4; 03/03/1512:13 AM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
It's a good sign. In fact, I find this more promising than the sex because there isn't much in it for him other than your gratitude. Also, the drive is less hormonal and more caring. He seems to be awfully attentive to you recently. It might be guilt, it might be love, but regardless: Keep doing what you're doing.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Please excuse me butting in. Starsky, I've been reading how you and Wonka helped Train and also KieranR. Would you mind taking a look at my situation as I could really do with some help.
Guess I'm having G&Ts for dinner this week.