What I actually said to someone in a different thread (can't remember whose) that, after years of being on the DB site, I have never seen affairs end under the 8-month mark...and that was the shortest affair to my knowledge. From what I've observed here in the DB forums, the average length of an affair is 1 to 2 years. Some do go on for as long as 3 years.
Don't go by that yardstick---all of that is very fluid. After being around here for a long time, I have seen the following (not counting MLCers):
-WASes marry their OP after the D -WASes marry their OP and realize their mistake...contacts their former LBS to try again -WASes break up their A after 2 to 3-year period and return back to their LBS -WASes follows through with a D with the LBS, lives with the OP and then turns around....remarries the same LBS
As the LBS, we decide to stand or not.
Jan, don't get too caught up in stats or 'this-n-that'..it does you no good.
Wonka, how does one stand for a M after a D, a OM, and still detach? I want to do this but I don't want to sit in my home waiting for my XW to suddenly come to her senses.
It is the mental state that puzzles me, but I am way too attached right now.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Don't go by that yardstick---all of that is very fluid. After being around here for a long time, I have seen the following (not counting MLCers):
-WASes marry their OP after the D -WASes marry their OP and realize their mistake...contacts their former LBS to try again -WASes break up their A after 2 to 3-year period and return back to their LBS -WASes follows through with a D with the LBS, lives with the OP and then turns around....remarries the same LBS
And, I'm guessing sometimes the WAS ends the affair and just moves on to another someone else. My personal opinion (and it's opinion, I have nothing factual to back this up), is that for some WAS, once they cross that line, it's crossed, and they are open to all kinds of behavior that they would have never done before.
That's why it's so counter productive to focus on the affair and hope or assume that when it burns out we will have some kind of opening. Hey -it's certainly possible, because the affair and all those crazy, early, love feelings must cloud the WAS's brain, to put it mildly. But, at the end of the day, the real problem is that they were open to an affair rather than working on the marriage, and that speaks to something about them that they will have to address before there is any real chance of reconciliation.
NAJ, I'm a few months farther along than you on this ride. Your posts remind me of where I was in October. All the wondering about odds and timelines...believe me on this - you are torturing yourself. Let her go. Letting her go doesn't mean you are giving up, it's just recognizing that she has to walk her own path right now, and that you need to take care of you and yours.
Go ahead and delay the divorce if that makes sense and is right for you. But don't get stuck yourself - you move on. Not to another romantic interest right now, but to the best possible life you can build for you and for your children.
Jan, Raliced is right on the money here. Right after BD, my plan was to hang in there until the A burned itself out, and then get back to business as usual. That was really naïve.
This is her journey to take and it won't fit neatly into your timeline. Let that go. Let her go. Take care of you.
Wonka, how does one stand for a M after a D, a OM, and still detach? I want to do this but I don't want to sit in my home waiting for my XW to suddenly come to her senses.
It is the mental state that puzzles me, but I am way too attached right now.
Standing doesn't mean that you let life pass you by. Dropping the rope is essential in detaching. You're still hitched to XW's wagon because you are allowing yourself to get hurt by her actions or inactions.
In my case, I dropped the rope with Ms. Wonka after we sold our marital house in 2008. Completely. I went on and dated other women. I pretty much slammed the door in Ms. Wonka's face when she sent me a HBD texts. We didn't reconnect through texting until around 2010...sending each other HBD and Merry Xmas texts.
Then we had our first phone call in the fall of 2012 after my father passed away. We've slowly reconnected. I don't fret over our communications. Lately, our texts have been about 1x per month. Now...our last text banter was over Super Bowl.
I don't let life pass by me. I grabbed the bull by its horns and am living it up. I am involved in organizations as Board member. Stay in touch with my college friends. Get out and learn new things. Hey, I attended my first ever roller derby match. FUN to watch!
Put yourself out there.....you cannot live like an hermit.
You know Wonka - I just do't want to be friends with her at all. Maybe one day but not now. I just don't. I know I will get a lot of crap from others about forgiveness and acceptance, etc... but I am not there. Maybe one day, maybe never, I don't have a crystal ball. I have zero interest in communicating with her via text messages.
