Affair Over but Stuck

[Hurt06]

Based on her actions would it be more likely that she has a hormone imbalance or is grieving from loss of the OM and the fantasy of the love that they had?

Did you even read my last post?

Sandi

Yes, I did read your post and thank you so much for sharing such personal insight!

I know that if it IS the hormone imbalance its still no excuse.

Its the lying that gets under my skin.

There are so many ways she could still be in contact with the OM for all I know she has another prepaid cell somewhere. After all, she hid the other cell right under my nose for months and lied about ever having it. The ONLY reason I found out was a caught her on it in the car by accident. Now that I found the other cell I find chargers all over the house and cars in various places. The OM was refilling it for her so I would not see the money spent on the refill. Then theres Whatapp, FaceBook and a bazillion other ways to communicate. I had already found fake Skype names, alternate email accounts exc, all this could still be going on in other forms. Since she has an amazing history of lying extensively about it she has no credibility in anything she says.

So there is no way for me to positively confirm that she has stopped the relationship. I can only go on her word and her actions. We already know that we believe nothing she says and only half what she does. So that leaves me with a half hearted effort at best.

I guess this has actually helped me to realize that she is not in fact trying to reconcile and is most likely still talking or seeing the OM and a the very least grieving for the lost love that she so clearly communicated to him. She does disappear and claims her cell phone died a lot. The OM lives out of State but has visited here often and for all I know still does.

What do you guys think?

[Hurt06]

Does anyone have experience with this?

Am I creating problems within the reconciliation process?

Anytime there is unaccounted for time during the day...or anytime my wife starts acting nervous by talking a lot to talking or to quickly which in the past has indicated she is lying or covering something I become very suspicious that she has had contact or has seen the OM.

This usually happens after her cell phone has died or some other random excuse and cannot be reached. Things just do not seem to "add up"

I am puzzled by all this, I am moving on with GAL but cannot help but hope that there is some hope for us.

any insight or experience? I do not let her know I am suspicious!

[sandi2]

Yes, sadly. Most people here on the board have experienced this (from one side of the fence or the other).

Before I comment any further, I need to understand about you finding these cell phones. Was this after she claimed she ended the A?

[Hurt06]

Yes, sadly. Most people here on the board have experienced this (from one side of the fence or the other).

Before I comment any further, I need to understand about you finding these cell phones. Was this after she claimed she ended the A?

Sandi

Here is the readers digest version.

Back in Sep she said she wanted a separation to figure out what she wanted and was a WAW because I was not meeting her needs...we start counseling....I had no idea about her affair and she hides it from counselor and counselor buys her story hook line and sinker....she blames me for everything.....in Oct I discovered OM had been visiting her in our home and she is having affair that goes back to May....I asked her to stop seeing him.....she refused to stop talking to him and claimed she was emotionally involved but thats all and just talking because she is lonely....thanksgiving rolls around and we are arguing about kids......I catch her on other cell in car.....she says its an iPod and starts covering....huge argument and lots of emotional trama.....we decide to spend thanksgiving at her grandmothers with kids together and "work on things"....on the way to thanksgiving she sneaks into store and purchases another pre-paid phone....which I catch her with....she denies everything in front of store clerk and clerk confronts her about the cell phone she purchased is in her purse.....more emotional fall out....I find DB and start GAL and disconnecting.......DEC comes and goes and She says in begging of Jan she wants to work on Marriage and has not talked to OM since Mid DEC....We have seen many different counselors and when we get to the point where the counselors wants us to start re-connecting....she stops going and we find a new one......

I have read more books than I can count....pod casts, therapy, videos, exc.....I personally have had a life changing transformation and learned a ton about myself including how I contributed to the whole thing....in the end it was her choice and that like many things is something out of my control....I still have hope that we can save our marriage but it has taken its toll on me physically and mentally, Spiritually. I pray everyday that I can have the strength to be the best man, husband, and father that I can be today and not dwell on what lies behind me.

[sandi2]

It's difficult to know exactly where the MR stands, if you have nothing but her saying she ended the A. I think you need to have a transparency plan.

I told you about the shape I was in when I ended my A. I can relate to how she's acting. However, without you having some means to back up what she claims, she could just as well still be involved with OM. And while I'm thinking about it, let me throw this in, too. After I ended my A, then it was several weeks of him floating around in my head, so it was like keeping the A alive. When I recognized what was happening, then I had to really work hard at kicking him out of my thoughts. It took months for me to work through the ordeal.

Since I was receiving guidance from the DB board, I knew I needed to give my H assurance that I had ended the A, so I made myself transparent. He didn't have the DB tools, so I had to take the initiative. It was for both our sakes that I needed to be transparent. I needed to be accountable. Sure, I had bought the prepaid phone, had access to other computer, etc., but I realized that if I was going to get over the affects of the A, I had to be a open book. If I had not had support from the board, and my H, I seriously doubt I would have made it through.

If your W is not receiving the guidance and support, and is not transparent...........she could have a rebound A, or return to OM, IDK. I think you should approach her with your concerns and talk about a transparency plan. She gives you all passwords and/or account information. She should have one phone, and you can look at it without notice. If she balks on any of these, then there a very good chance the A is has not ended and all this was to throw you off. Btw, her volunteering to show her phone is useless. Of course, if she is not serious about working on the M, she'll find a way to bypass all these obsticals.

If she starts with the old, "You just want to control me", tell her "It's not about control. I am trying to protect our M and give myself assurance you are sticking to your word". If she says here phone/emails are private..........then, enough said right there. You will have your answer. Do not accept any "you will just have to trust me" b/c she can't be trusted at this time. Tell her, "I want nothing more than to be able to trust you again. Considering your recent betrayal, it isn't that simple anymore".

[Starsky309]

It's difficult to know exactly where the MR stands, if you have nothing but her saying she ended the A. I think you need to have a transparency plan.

I told you about the shape I was in when I ended my A. I can relate to how she's acting. However, without you having some means to back up what she claims, she could just as well still be involved with OM. And while I'm thinking about it, let me throw this in, too. After I ended my A, then it was several weeks of him floating around in my head, so it was like keeping the A alive. When I recognized what was happening, then I had to really work hard at kicking him out of my thoughts. It took months for me to work through the ordeal.

Since I was receiving guidance from the DB board, I knew I needed to give my H assurance that I had ended the A, so I made myself transparent. He didn't have the DB tools, so I had to take the initiative. It was for both our sakes that I needed to be transparent. I needed to be accountable. Sure, I had bought the prepaid phone, had access to other computer, etc., but I realized that if I was going to get over the affects of the A, I had to be a open book. If I had not had support from the board, and my H, I seriously doubt I would have made it through.

If your W is not receiving the guidance and support, and is not transparent...........she could have a rebound A, or return to OM, IDK. I think you should approach her with your concerns and talk about a transparency plan. She gives you all passwords and/or account information. She should have one phone, and you can look at it without notice. If she balks on any of these, then there a very good chance the A is has not ended and all this was to throw you off. Btw, her volunteering to show her phone is useless. Of course, if she is not serious about working on the M, she'll find a way to bypass all these obsticals.

If she starts with the old, "You just want to control me", tell her "It's not about control. I am trying to protect our M and give myself assurance you are sticking to your word". If she says here phone/emails are private..........then, enough said right there. You will have your answer. Do not accept any "you will just have to trust me" b/c she can't be trusted at this time. Tell her, "I want nothing more than to be able to trust you again. Considering your recent betrayal, it isn't that simple anymore".

BINGO.


Starsky

[Hurt06]

Thanks again everyone.....

The Latest today is that she wants more space to be able to find herself again as what we are currently doing is not working.

I already travel out of town and am gone overnight at least 3-4 straight nights ....every week.

How much more space does gal need to get herself together so she can find herself and work on the M?

If she tells me she needs more space and wants me to not come home for a time.....do I give her the space she needs?

[Starsky309]

In my experience, "I need more space" almost always really means "I need more space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered."


Starsky

[Hurt06]

In my experience, "I need more space" almost always really means "I need more space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered."


Starsky

Thanks Starsky!

anyone else have input?

I have access to everything I know about...Cell, Email, etc.

[Hurt06]

I want to believe that she is trying but am very hesitant.

I cannot see why she would need any more space than she already gets due to my job.

She is free to do what ever she wants while I am out of town.