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#2542213 02/25/15 05:33 PM
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Married 13 years with three kids 6,8, and 12yo girl. Wife had asked for a separation after a move and a job change. I had to attend training and agreed to stay away to let her think about what she wanted. While gone I discovered that she was having an affair. I suspected this all long but she was masterful in lying and deception and it had been going on for months before this. Mostly they have been communicating through prepaid cell, Viber and Skype as these can be erased and hidden more easily. After confronting her she denied but I had already complied the evidence and she eventually admitted what was going on insisting that it had not gotten to sex yet. She tells me later that it was sexual. To top it off the man she is seeing is a divorce attorney! She continues to lie, manipulate, and hide many things and I honestly don't know when she's telling the truth about anything.

Update:

She says affair is over and I can no longer see thats its active going on. Trust but verify and seems to be over. We are seeing counselor but not getting anywhere fast.

She is completely disconnected and says she wants to save the marriage, says she is trying but I see very little effort. Maybe I am too hurt to see progress or I'm grasping at straws. She has ZERO desire to be intimate and is a struggle just to sit in the same room together.

We are sleeping in the same bed but very separated. She never snuggles up or reaches for me in anyway. I'll try and at least place a hand on her back or some part of me touching her hoping for a connection but all is cold. sometimes she even pulls away. I have tried every romantic thing I can dream up and she has no response to anything as far as romance is concerned. She will be intimate but I might as well be by myself its as if she feels like it is her duty and I just feel terrible.

In addition when I have questions she just says she can't remember, and then when confronted with facts.... gets mad.

How do we get passed this stuck area?


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
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Hi Hurt 06, welcome to the forum, and sorry you're here - but you'll find it's a great place with lots of very wise and supportive folk.

First things first - buy and read the books - DB and DR. I found DR the most helpful. It's more up to date and has a chapter devoted to infidelity. You may also want ot have a look at the affairs and infidelity section of the forum.

Observations with your w - well, she's certainly checked out of your M at the moment isn't she? Either the A is ongoing and your W is continuing to lie about this. Or, it has ended, but she may be 'grieving' the loss of it and unable to show any enthusiasm for either the M or you.

Either way, she hasn't had this all important - I want to recommit to our M and will do whatever it takes - moment.

Hilarious that he's a divorce attourney - oh dear! He should know better than that. Is he also M?

You'll be on moderation to start with, but keep posting and things will speed up for you. Normally Cadet will come along with some reading material to get you started. Just to warn you, the DB/DR approach is counter intuitive - and it can take a little while to really 'get' the concept. But stick with it and it may well save your M. And even if it doesn't, you'll feel much happier within yourself - and that's worth having!

Take Care, Toots :-)

Last edited by Toots; 02/25/15 05:51 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hurt,

Why did your say she ended the affair and came back to the marriage?

When you two have sex, will she kiss you?

sorry you're here . . . keep posting!


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Thank you so much, I have read the DB.

Yes the OM was Married and is now legally separated and moving FWD with Divorce.

His wife is done with him and hard to believe but praying for us because of our children.


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Hurt,

Why did your say she ended the affair and came back to the marriage?

When you two have sex, will she kiss you?

sorry you're here . . . keep posting!



1. I don't know why she ended it. She says to work on our marriage but its half hearted at best. I confronted her after a mountain of evidence, she continued and lied about it up until Jan.....maybe guilt?...she did finally admit that it had become sexual but that it only happened once. I find that very hard to believe after the mountain of other lies.

2. not really we do not have long kissing and really never have except when we were first dating. I have attempted to communicate this to her and we recently have tried kissing passionately but I feel like I am the only one interested in doing this. I seems like she is only attempting to kiss me out of duty as a wife? and only when I ask if we can try?


To be honest it seems like I am the only one interested in working hard to repair the marriage and establish a new connection? Is this normal?

Last edited by Hurt06; 02/25/15 06:12 PM.

M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
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Quote:
She says A is over but have heard that before.


Are you referring to her lying about this A, or have there been others?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: Hurt06



To be honest it seems like I am the only one interested in working hard to repair the marriage and establish a new connection? Is this normal?


It is if she's still chemically (brain endorphines) influenced by her OM. That could be either that she's still in contact with him and lying to you about it, or it could be because she really did end it and she's going thru withdrawal. Without solid intel, it's hard to tell the difference.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Starsky...Sandi....would you two please be a dear and mosey over to TenBook's thread over in the Newcomers section and lend some support as I sense his sitch is on the edge of change.

Thanks....

Sawwwwry for the hijack...

A box of chocolate cupcakes is now on its way to you... smile cool

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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
She says A is over but have heard that before.


Are you referring to her lying about this A, or have there been others?


This is the only A I am aware of.


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: Hurt06



To be honest it seems like I am the only one interested in working hard to repair the marriage and establish a new connection? Is this normal?


It is if she's still chemically (brain endorphines) influenced by her OM. That could be either that she's still in contact with him and lying to you about it, or it could be because she really did end it and she's going thru withdrawal. Without solid intel, it's hard to tell the difference.


Starsky


I was thinking the same thing on withdrawal. She has screamed in detail( salt and pepper hair, Smile, etc) at me all the things she doesn't like about me and then later says that the never said those horrible things. I wish I had a video camera.


She has been tested for hormones and has a slight imbalance. High Estrogen and almost no Progesterone among other imbalances with thyroid. She is having trouble with her hair, skin, and has developed a mysterious acid reflux that no doctor can find. She has admitted in counseling that everything is foggy and has been for a while. I not sure about all this.....very lost and confused while trying to deal with my own grief from the affair.

Last edited by Hurt06; 02/25/15 06:44 PM.

M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
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