It's good that she's being honest with you, and showing you the text messages. That being said, she needs to change her cellphone # and any other means of communication that OM has. Detailed billing on the new #, that comes to you.
Every re-contact from him (even a negative, snotty one like the one he sent) will, physiologically, reset her withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00.
Just one thought on the IC/MC. Not sure what others think of this, but would it be an idea to have a different IC? I can see a possible dynamic of your W feeling threatened by the fact that you and IC discuss stuff in separate sessions that she isn't privy too.
Others may have had experience of how this could work - I'm just posting as it popped into my head!
T
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I understand and agree with you with the re-contact clock reset. Getting the details of the cellphone billing is a good idea (and I do have her password for this too), but those details are pretty scarce. It is not one of the major cell phone companies so they have to save money somewhere. I feel the forwarding copies of the texts automatically to something I can view will suffice on that (she cannot delete these), then viewing her call log on her phone will coincide with that (cannot delete that list either).
Hi Toots,
Thank you. I did not let W know that I was going to do IC with the MC for that very reason. This was kind of more of a meeting I wanted to have with her to discuss what I was doing and get her thoughts on the matter. More discuss things that I did not feel like I could discuss in front of W yesterday. Get the MC in the loop with where I was coming from and what I was looking to do. If she suggests continuing IC, I will likely do so, but go somewhere else.
Thank you all for all of your support and help. I will keep you updated.
I understand and agree with you with the re-contact clock reset. Getting the details of the cellphone billing is a good idea (and I do have her password for this too), but those details are pretty scarce. It is not one of the major cell phone companies so they have to save money somewhere. I feel the forwarding copies of the texts automatically to something I can view will suffice on that (she cannot delete these), then viewing her call log on her phone will coincide with that (cannot delete that list either).
That would be fine if your overall objective was COMPLIANCE. It's not. Complying with NC in order to respect her husband's boundary is that regard IS important, yes, but the overriding goal here is to shelter her from ANY contact with OM for an extended period of time so that she can properly emotionally and even chemically withdraw from him completely (six months MINIMUM).
You wouldn't want a recovering alcoholic to periodically have a shot of alcohol in their mouth, so long as they spit it out (after swishing it around and savoring it a little) and then told you about it. Or allow the gambling addict to get a 2-BR apartment above the casino (that he has to walk thru every day in order to come and go), so long as they told you about each trip thru the casino and you had a way of verifying it to see if the story matched up.
Is there some compelling reason why she SHOULDN'T change her cellphone # and her email address(es) that I'm not aware of?
Starsky
Last edited by Starsky309; 04/10/1505:56 PM. Reason: added the gambling analogy
Very valid points Starsky, especially given her addictive tendencies, thank you.
The email she was using was her school email and she cannot get that changed. Her other emails have filters in place, and there was no evidence of those being used.
Phone number, OM would easily be able to get it from others in the program as a lot of them jump for meeting to meeting, but it will be more of a hassle for him to get it. Plus put more emphasis on the whole A's are not OK on W. I will pursue this route and see what else she can do, ask her AA buddies to not tell him.
Maybe a good thing to have on these forums would be list of suggested transparency measures?
In my eyes that is simple given your situation. You have access to any and everything you want and need to prove that all types of contact are over. She is trying to earn your trust right now. If she has a problem with this in any way I would be very skeptical.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
For MC, I put my ring back on more for the MC appointment, but stayed pulled back. Opened up a little talking here and there though, but nothing significant. She did not put all of hers back on. Saturday, I left with S3 to go somewhere. On leaving, I said "We will be home later." She responded, "I know you will be," with kind of a smug look on her face. I took that as she thinks I will always be there. Came home with my ring off to see if there will be a reaction. She noticed, and when she was getting ready, she decided to put her rings on. Interesting. I did make the mistake of complimenting her, just kind of came out. Need to hold that back for awhile.
Sunday, I kept my ring off, but remained pretty content. We went to a birthday party for our friend's kids with our S3. A lot of my friends were there. It was actually a good time. I noticed her looking at my hand a decent amount throughout the time we were there.
I know there has been no direct contact since, but OM sent another email last night. It was filtered to the appropriate folder and marked as read (she did not view it). Pretty cute message, longing, begging.
Basically, W went out with some friends on Saturday (confirmed and legit with evidence). W was talking to one in particular, apparently a common acquaintance. OM claimed that W's friend said that W still wanted him and he was wondering what she actually wanted him to do as the ending message said otherwise. I feel a little disrespected about this.
Addicts have a hard time listening and with some comprehension. And W does not seem to have missed me enough, then again, still getting him out of her head is the ideal, and hopefully that is more of what it is. Obviously sounds like this friend of hers is facilitating the continued interest in the A, with or without W's consent.
This person facilitating the A, is obviously not something I appreciate. Should I just sit back a little more, LRT, and monitor? Or should I approach W about this tonight? I am thinking about bringing it up and asking W to send her friend a message about not talking to OM about her, at all.
I required my W to end all contact with her best friend and her brother who were facilitating and encouraging her EA. Has to be done for her to clear her head of the poison.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I agree. I am just not sure if this friend was told to or not to mention anything to OM, or if the friend is actually encouraging the A with W or not. Obviously with the OM, so I can assume she is with her too. Perhaps this "friend" just told OM so he would not kill himself or something. Not the best way to go about it though, and I am not going to assume that.
Oddly enough, this was the first time W has hung out with this woman outside of AA, to my knowledge. First time I have seen any evidence of encouragement from someone else too. I want W have have friends and hang out with them, but that will not help. Would be nice if she had her old friends to hang out with.
"Came home with my ring off to see if there will be a reaction."
Have you thought of NOT concentrating so much on your W for a change? You may think you're not or are doing things without her, etc. But your posts are all about the actions of your W. And how you're trying to control certain actions from her like the one above.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
