I want to hold onto hope and I suppose I am. I love her I cannot deny that or that I want to save this M. I presume I should go back to DB'ng as I said in my post and I keep going back and forth the emotional roller coaster,
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you mean you should go back to DBing? You don't see this as DBing? Just exactly how do you see DBing, anyway?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She was gone for 2 days, so I guess I didn't see this as part of the process(once I found A) but I see that it is still possible to have her be in love with me again. I need to "be a man that only a fool would leave" right? Sorry it's hard to fight the negativity some times, I need to refocus my PMA. A lot going through my head and I need to realize that this is going to take time, stick to my DB'ng and work hard on myself, GAL and get back to basics.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I still say you have done very well. I wouldn't hang out with her while she's wanting to sort kitchen iutensils, but none the less, you seem to be saying the right things.
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Script? I don't follow but I understand what you might mean, where is this script? I need to read it! lol I presume your experience is that you have seen exactly this behavior before and it is predictable to some degree?
Yes, to the last part of that quote. Almost eight years ago, I came here as the wayward wife. People here talked to me straight and I got my act together. I saw right away that LBH'S were not approaching their WW in a manner that worked. Most of them were paralyzed with fear and thought DBing was some soft method of trying to save the M. They didn't have a clue about the mindset of a WW. I also saw where these WW's say the same thing as if reading from the same script. It is wreird. Anyway, I have tried to help (mostly the H's) by enlightening them about the mind of a WW. Not saying I am the DB board's gift to LBH'S, just that it is rare to have a WW here to tell ya.
If the H would understand how important it is not peruse, cushion, and cater to the WW, and in fact, should act as if he is a WAS and is dumping her........it would reverse things real fast. There have been some women come here to the board, who were caught in an A and the H walked away without even giving her a chance to set things right again. Guess why they sought out the DB board? They were disparate to save their M! That is the kind of information you guys need, but most LBS's on the board just give each other the same kind of advice of "keep on hanging in there". I don't believe I am going against DB principles, but I can say these things where some others hold back. If i know one thing, it is that you cannot "nice" your WW back into the M. MWD touches on it in her DR book, but I think by the time she gets to it, it is too late to be as effective in most M's, or the LBH just doesn't "get it" b/c she says it so much sweeter than I do.
I think there is a narrow amount of time the H has to make this effective. By the time some men finally come to the board, months have already passed. He needs to react as soon as the A is made known. However, in this case with your W, I really believe it will be very effective coming back from her little lying trip to see OM.
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So planning for the week and weeks to come
Only weeks and weeks IF she is honoring your boundaries. If she's still looking for an apartment, that means she has intentions of continuing the A.
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Do I go dark? Last resort? Do I DB hard?
You are definitely in LRT. You need to read that part of the book again, to make sure you get it. Follow the 37 rules. Do not cushion things for her, and do not try to help her leave. Don't rescue her, even if you start feeling sorry for her. This is necessary steps for her to take.
Going dark is impossible when two people share a house together. Forget that, and follow the 37.
DBing hard? You don't see this as DBing hard?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I suppose if I be honest, I let the events of yesterday cloud me a bit. I am refocusing right now. I've made plans for Wed and Thurs. and am working on something for Fri. Let her deal with life and I really detach. I suppose I've not really given her enough space and it's hard since we are under the same roof. I am still care taking, when it comes to everything. It's time to shift some responsibility to her and not allow her to be dependent on me to keep everything running smoothly. I will handle Mon & Tues. but after that I'm putting it all on her and will not be around the house at all. Even if I just go get lost for a while.
I just txt her telling her I have plans for Wed. & Thurs. and that I would be most likely busy on Fri also. That she needed to plan accordingly.
Last edited by phunguy; 02/23/1507:20 PM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Regarding her logistical and financial challenges, remember that staying with you because it might be hard to get an apartment is equal to being imprisoned with you. As fun as it is for you to watch, it's not attractive, it's nice a nice option. It's likely to make her feel more desperate about being with you, like she's stuck there. The only good reason to come back to you is to be attracted to you, to love you.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Good point Mozza, I think she was maybe feeling that way last night as she began weighing her options. I don't want her to feel stuck. I want her to want to be with me. I think I may have been stuck in my thinking and I need to focus on acceptance at this point and make my life mine again, truly. I am so focused on caring for my kids, it's just what I do while she's been out gallivanting. I feel like I'm abandoning them if I'm not there every waking moment. I need to stop that right now!
I guess I'm still learning detachment.
Last edited by phunguy; 02/23/1507:48 PM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
She was gone for 2 days, so I guess I didn't see this as part of the process(once I found A) but I see that it is still possible to have her be in love with me again. I need to "be a man that only a fool would leave" right? Sorry it's hard to fight the negativity some times, I need to refocus my PMA. A lot going through my head and I need to realize that this is going to take time, stick to my DB'ng and work hard on myself, GAL and get back to basics.
((hugs)) You are doing great, and I would not be this interested or concerned if I thought there was no hope in saving this M. I go back to what I said about men and women being different. Why do you think we women confuse the heck out of you guys? B/c you don't get how our minds work!
For an example, let's look at what you said about being a man only a fool would leave. It makes no difference in what your picture is of the ideal man. It matters what hers is. I guarantee you it is not a man who does all the housework and cooks all the meals and does all the parenting, or lets her have her way in everything. In fact, doing all of that would probably reduce his male attractiveness to her. Helping her with these things are great, but it's a huge mistake to do it all. Another misconception is smothering her with your attention all the time. There is a time and place, and every woman wants his attention.......to a degree. But the minute he goes too far with lavishing his attention and she feels smothered, he loses a lot of appeal for her. Being needy and clingy is a sure way to lose appeal in a healthy R.
Women love to see pure male confidence. That is the main turn-on for a lot of women (and according to many books, it is the number one attraction). Now let me tell you something about women that perhaps your W never did. We will test our men to the hilt. And if you don't stand up to us and look eyeball to eyeball..........then we take mental notes that you've lost your b@lls, and out the window goes the attraction. One of the worst things men can do in a M (except for abusiveness, laziness, neglect, etc.) is become passive. He thinks he's keeping the peace and letting the little lady have her way about things. Total misconception!!
I could go on, but the idea here is that in order to save your M, you have got to get her attraction going. She is not attracted to you b/c she has OM. So while you may feel panicky over her leaving, you should be worried she feels no attraction for you! Know what is attractive to a WW in a case like yours? You know, a man only a fool would leave? When he knows what he wants........and honey she's not it. When he has the stones to kick her to the crub b/c she's a lying cheat. Does it make her mad? Well of course it does! Does she respect it? You bet your sweet life! Will she tell you? Nope! At least not for a long time.
You see, the way we women are wired, we have to respect our H in order to feel in love with him. Go figure, but it all connects with the attraction wiring we have. We want a guy who provides for his family, who protects us, does his share, and who won't put up with a word of our BS. And if we've done him wrong by having an A, then he has to get tough, in order to work things out. Whenever you fail in any of this, we lose our respect......and your chances of are very, very slim.
That is a glimpse into what a man looks like that only a fool would leave. And note, there are some very foolish women out there.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I suppose I just told her that I am moving on by having plans almost every night this week. She just txt me back and said "I will plan accordingly, busy man you are." I just realized, I've done a lot and taken a lot of the responsibilities on me in this R, I've let her run things like this for too long for me(and she thinks I'm the one in control, lol), I'm going out and doing stuff. She can be at home for a change.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Good point Mozza, I think she was maybe feeling that way last night as she began weighing her options. I don't want her to feel stuck. I want her to want to be with me. I think I may have been stuck in my thinking and I need to focus on acceptance at this point and make my life mine again, truly. I am so focused on caring for my kids, it's just what I do while she's been out gallivanting. I feel like I'm abandoning them if I'm not there every waking moment. I need to stop that right now!
I guess I'm still learning detachment.
Yes, you are still learning. And what we tell you is either for your good, the overall good for the M, or what has to happen for her to come back.
The best thing you can do, and it's vital right now, is detach. Yes, way too much talking last night!! Don't even go there today, b/c it will wear you down until you have no clarity about anything.
The only way your M will really succeed is if she realizes you are the man she loves. If she stays within the home for any other reason, you both will be miserable.
Onward soldier!
When you say you need to focus on acceptance, what are you referring to exactly? Saving the M? Guess I didn't penetrate that mindset of yours. If it will help you let go, then I agree. Until you let her go, you won't have her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
