Plain Vanilla #9

[Vanilla]

Time for a new thread

Leave the sadness behind

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=36177

V nearly walked away in early 2014 and then H called BD later in the year. In house S coming up for its first anniversary.

H is wayward, unemployed and a compulsive gambler. V started to work with DB from August 2014 and from then on started to change. In house S for V is very painful and her H is very verbal. V has a fin agreement with H which relies on the house being sold.

V is here for the long haul. There is no quick fix.

V

[Vanilla]

Has bought herself a cheap sports car. Bright Red, collect on Monday. It is a Street Ka.

I am also going to get a BFT.

Time for V to have some good stuff!

I wanted to start with the positive.

V

[Karma12]

Yes V you treat yourself. Only the best for you. I use yoga breathing to change my thinking sometimes. In with the good....out goes the bad. Lol

I just went for a run with my dog. Heading to yoga soon. Maybe a beach walk with my dog later. We have been blessed with beautiful weather here on the west coast of Canada.

[Vanilla]

Thanks for posting Karma, it did feel very naughty to treat myself.

Tried a 180 tonight. H I heard you say that you are lonely. So let's tackle that issue, what has V done to contribute to that? These are H feelings and his loneliness is for him to manage. However if he is blaming V for his loneliness then it is deflecting from H managing it himself.

So a couple of ideas occurred to V:
Advise H when V will be out
Cook more for V and ask H if he wants food (lately H has sat with V for meals)
Ask H if he would like to come along if appropriate
More contact at work
Ask H to undertake tasks


So, I decided let's ask H to join in on trips out in the expectation he would say "no". To my surprise he said 'yes'. We were going to see a live band in a newly refurbished pub. Band is usually good old fashioned rock.

H has already said he does not want to be seen out with V twice today. H drove; drank a couple of pints through the evening and was generally pleasant. V danced a lot as always. H said the evening 'made a change'.

V has the biggest crop of cold sores, stress related. Hey ho.

V

[Ggrass]

Funny h doesn't want to be seen out and yet he was!

That's just too funny!

[Zelda09]

V!
Checking in to see how you are.
I want to smack your H
Writing after a big glass of wine. That guy is lucky to have you standing, that's all I know. I'm sure you are a ton of fun to be out with and around.
Sounds like some good work in your part all the way around.

Forgive me for what may be a naive or obtuse question.

What keeps you from throwing something like this into the universe:
H, when you do this, it makes me feel like ----

My H recently shared with me that he didn't voice a lot of his needs, thoughts, feelings bc the only thing worse than having them to begin with was the chance that if he presented to me, I'd ignore or not receive.

I know you've done some hard work to detach and stand as you are, but wouldn't it also be a 180 to assert V's needs and desires to her H? Even if he's miserable and you're S in house? Could it make anything worse?

[Vanilla]

Gg I am glad someone else sees the funny side as well as me.

Z thank you for checking in and posting. I always knock 1 pt from my GAL points when H is there. I have to say V has lots of fun GAL. Last night to start with I was the only one dancing and then I start dragging others up. V has lots of crazy loco.

I used to state my needs with H, but that met with remarks such as "you are looking at someone who gives a damn?" "Why should I care", or just plainly "go whistle". A waste of time and V ended up being in a very difficult place. So instead I just enforce my boundaries when the behaviour is unacceptable. V adopts the tactic of asking H to do things rather than stating needs which H can ignore.

Z, I see it in this order of priority:
1. Boundary infringement when H oversteps
2. Making valid requests which H can choose to say no
3. Stating essential needs to which H Can be passive
4. Stating Optional needs to which H can choose to say no

I have swapped 3 and 2 as I want to get H into the routine of agreeing to valid requests.

Yesterday H said he was a gentleman and caring. I let it pass. H knows the truth but has sheltered himself from it. H has little insight into his behaviour and has no self monitoring. H is compulsive.

H keeps stating he wants a 'we' relationship but actually he wants a 'me' relationship in which both H and V satisfy H needs. This is the relationship he had with W1 (who died). I believe that R was co-dependent as W1 colluded with H in his gambling.

V

[Vanilla]

Freezing cold here and H is up to play in a golf tournament. Frozen balls? Out clubbing?

V

[Ggrass]

Oh dear nilla he's a goodie.

Well frozen balls won't, Do much for ow!

[edz]

I am awaiting s getting socks on and out the door just wanted to say yay for bft. My bft says, well,she says zzzzzzz at the mo. Will post more later