Thread number five for me - my lucky number. Tiny recap:
BD1 - Mar 2014, EA discovered
BD2 - July 2014, H admits PA. I move to parents 2 hrs away
Jul-Sep 2014 - lots of talking with H, A continues, he's 'confused.'
Oct-Feb 2014 - Virtually NC. I rent a flat, build up my own life, no idea of A status
Feb 2015 - H made redundant. Wants to sell our house. Says he's been stupid, lost sight of what's important. Tells me our R is over. Contacts me again, asking (I think) 'is it over?'
Last edited by Toots; 02/21/1509:10 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
And welcome to your new thread toots, what a note to end on a fetching new swimsuit
So is it to be a day of baking or did you find a gal activity for today (in my book baking is but you need to then distribute the baked goods to people,ahem, who like baked goods,ahem ahem)
What I'm saying here is....where's my cake?
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Well, it was a quiet day for Toots. Lots of reading (great crime novel), visited the parents and did a bit of shopping. I felt tired and had a headache, and think the drama of the week caught up with me.
Tomorrow will be busier. I have bookshop GAL in the morning. We're doing a big move in the shop so a bunch of us will be in there for a few hours doing that. Planning to go to Aqua Aerobics GAL tomorrow evening and wear my fetching new swimsuit.
I was thinking today about what has happened to me and what is happening to H. In a way, our lives have both been knocked right down and we are having to build them up from basics again. For me this happened at BD when I came to stay with my parents, I had lost my R, gave up my job and home, and have built up from there.
A similar thing is happening to H now. Don't know what is happening with his R - but he lost his job and we'll soon sell our home. Massive change for him too. Who knows how things will work out....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Bookshop GAL, one of my very faves, especially if there is a coffee shop. My über fave is Foyles in London. I love your kind of bookshop with hidden treasures too.
I had a headache and sickness too this am. Stress too, but it is temporary.
New sassy swimsuit, look at Toots.
New thread and time for GAL.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/21/1506:18 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Nothing from H yet. I sent the email Friday evening....couple of days ago now. Good thing is I'm not particularly fretting about it and it hasn't been on my mind too much.
I had a busy GAL day today. I went into the bookstore for the morning, where we had a big move around. Then the afternoon cover person wasn't well, so I stayed until four. Then Aqua aerobics GAL this evening.
I guess I'm just reconciled that probably our period of NC has come to an end and we're going to be in more contact now. Either that contact will be about the ending of our R, or it will be about slowly working towards possible reconciliation. I don't know which yet - but I feel calm about that right now - which is good. The next contact may send me into a bit of a spin again of course!
Last edited by Toots; 02/22/1509:27 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I hope you had a good day in the bookshop and at aqua. You didnt hurt your knee again did you?
If your NC period has come to an end, have you thought about sending your H a text today to recognise that its his first monday where he hasnt got a job to get up for?
It might be a terrible plan and too much pursuit but i know I feel good about the people who send me a text on days when they know there is something going on
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Yes, I'd love to contact H - thing is it's his B'day tomorrow and I already posted a card, plus I was planning on a little HBD text in the morning to him. It might be a bit much if I also text today...
It's weird really, and I am just kind of waiting to see where he's at following my email back to him. I think it was the right thing to do - and it does encourage him to share a bit more with me. But equally, it doesn't give him any particular cause to hope if he is hoping we might reconcile. But then, if he hasn't even told me what is happening re: the A - why would I give him cause for hope?
I also worry that the characteristics he's showing now, are similar to the problems before. He just finds it so difficult to say what he feels and wants. I would love him to read NMMNG. But then I know this is Mrs Fixit breaking out of her box again.
But I worry that he hasn't done the 'work' - you know? Also, I keep having this thought. If someone had stopped me on my wedding morning and said - your H will cheat on you in 5 years time. Do you want to still go ahead? I might have said no. Does that mean our marriage was a mistake?
I think what may be happening at the moment is he's just feeling pretty low. His life has fallen apart recently in so many ways. But is it like our old cat, who moved away to live somewhere else and only came back if he got a piece of grass stuck in his eye and needed to go to the vet?
I think H may be kind of assuming that he needs to move on now, because of what happened. Assuming that there isn't going to be able to be an us going forward. And saying 'I know it's over' - and that may not be because he wants it to be over. Oh, all mind reading I know. I don't know where I'm at at the moment really...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I decided to drop H a text as Jim suggested (thanks Jim). I'll see what kind of response I get and may or may not text tomorrow on his BD.
Another thing that's bothering me is H's oblique reference to the A as 'something' - he did 'something' stupid - got all caught up in 'something.' Why refer to it in that way, when we both know what has happened? Like it's a bit of a mystery?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just had a friendly text back from H saying thanks for thinking of him. Says he's doing ok - he's been running, swimming and making lists - feels a bit like he's on holiday ATM. Today he's reviewing his exit paperwork. Hopes I have a nice day too. No mention of my email or a reply...glad I dropped him a text though.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
just catching up on whats been going on this weekend as I was here there and everywhere.
Sounds like its been a good GAL chunk this weekend, glad the knee is better this week Sounds like communications are warm with h which is good, as you know I certainly know this phase just be careful with expectations as I have to make sure I squash any in myself before interactions. Helps so much to maintain PMA before,during and after if you can do that, still learning the skill completely myself though
Have a good one
Edz
Last edited by edz; 02/23/1509:58 AM.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Yes, I'm glad if he's in a pretty happy place - which he says he is. Says he is feeling pretty good so far. I would be more worried if he seemed full of self-pity and would doubt whether it was a good time for us to be back in touch again - see post about cat with grass in eye above!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sorry Toots, just re read your last paragraph, it's ok to wonder, it's the mind reading that can get you bothered. It would be weird if you didn't wonder where your H is heading but the mindreading can take you down the wrong road very quickly.
Busy day working and travelling - and have a cold too, so feeling a bit below par this evening. It was H's Bday today. I had already sent him a card. I dropped him a HBD text and he said thanks - made a nice comment about the card. I figure that's enough contact from me for now.
I see the solicitor tomorrow and will hopefully know that the proposed plan to sell the house is okay. H didn't respond to my email (tho has responded pleasantly to texts in the meantime) and I figure if he wants to move things forward he can come back to me. I"ll leave it for a week or so and see what happens I think.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hope the solicitors and house stuff goes OK tomorrow.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
I keep thinking about the analogy you use - it's like we are in the eye of the storm, knowing that the other side is still to pass over. I like it.
Last week you had the sense that things might be moving a bit. I guess it's still possible your H will take his sweet time with whatever next step from here? This whole thing has taught me that we really don't know what is around the corner.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Toots, I found you! Somehow I'd missed your new thread. Sorry to hear you're under the weather, hope you feel better soon. Hope the solicitors goes okay too. It sounds like you're in a good place not fretting too much about H not replying to email yet, well done.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Thanks everyone. Well, I had an interesting meeting with the solicitor.
She advises definitely not to agree to sell the MH unless we are settling our finances overall.
The crux of her advice is that I have some 'control' over the MH, which is around a third of our assets. It is the only asset I have control over and we own 50/50. Everything else is in H's name, but I have a claim against further assets built up during our cohabitation and marriage.
She says if we sell the MH and each pocket 50/50 - no problem. BUT - H then has 'control' of the remaining 2/3 of our assets and who knows what he may do with them.
She said (worst case scenario) he may squander those assets away in the next 18 months, leaving nothing. She says, if we still have the MH when we fully settle our finances, that could be signed over to me (for example) if he behaved irresponsibly with the rest of our assets.
She said, if she were advising H today, she would advise him to sell the MH - even without settling finances - as it's the only asset I have some control over.
She also said, if we sell the MH and buy a house with my 50%, the 'needs' part of my case has gone. My housing needs are already met, and that 'weapon in our armory' has gone.
Of course, settling our finances in full (without D) can only be done by agreement. And H may not agree to do this. On the flipside, I can - not agree to sell the MH unless we fully settle our finances.
She suggested aiming for a deed of separation in which we agree to D in principle after 2 years S and in which all finances are separated. The sale of the MH would happen as part of this.
So, I guess I now need to think about how to broach this with H...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks V - how does this option right over asset equivalence work then?
Does that mean I could 'gain' some 'control' in respect of other assets we have?
I know I have to agree in order for the MH to be sold already. As for H's redundancy settlement, I know that an 'agreement' exists, so I suspect H was offered a better 'deal' than statutory redundancy in order to waive some rights. But, he was only there for 3 years - maybe a bit less, so it may not be a huge payout - however his salary was high (six figure)...but in the scheme of our overall assets, I suspect it will be minor.
I wonder if I'm best just to send a brief email to him at this stage?
Dear H, thanks for your recent emails and I hope you had a lovely birthday.
I've thought some more about your suggestion to sell the house in X. I agree it's time for us to start considering what to do here.
From my point of view, I'm willing for us to sell the house, but only if this is done as part of us fully considering and separating our finances.
If you want us to go ahead on this basis, let me know, and we can take things from there.
Toots
I think my options at this stage are - do nothing, and let him follow things up with me if he wants us to proceed - or send the above email and get the ball rolling.
Any thoughts?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Personally I'd give him time to follow up. At least a week.
You don't want to sell at the moment (legally) so the time pressure isn't on you.
My solicitor also said definitely don't agree anything on the house with out a full settlement. My W didn't take this at all well but then my W is very different to your H. Right now though I'm really glad its sorted.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Yes I'm inclined to do nothing for now and give him a while longer to ruminate and respond to the email I sent.
For me, there isn't actually a pressing financial imperative to resolve things right now - a few months here and there doesn't make much difference to me.
At least I know now that selling the house without it being part of a full settlement isn't going to be in my best interests - so that helps.
Still full of cold - streaming nose this afternoon and just ran out of tissues - going to give yoga GAL a miss tonight. Hoping to feel better tomorrow :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You know, I always get discombobulated when I see the lawyer. I know it's sound advice from her, and I trust her. The thing is - she said to me today - why don't you just file for D? And that's the thing I find hard really. In my sitch, it feels like there's a tension between finances and a desire to save the M.
Financially, it might be best for me just to file for D, that forces the whole financial disclosure and assessment process, we agree a settlement and then D. But then H would be free to go and marry someone else and wouldn't be my H any more.
But let's say I just keep on DBing. I left our MH and am renting without access to capital unless we settle our finances. It's okay for now, but the longer it goes on, the more I'll feel the pinch. I am working, but in a bit more of a relaxed and part time way at the moment, so I could always change that if I needed to.
The thing is, I can't see that we would return to our MH even if we reconcile. So I think it needs to be sold anyway. But I shouldn't agree to the sale unless it's as part of a settlement of our finances. Which I'm concerned H wont agree to, unless he's forced to because we are D'ing.
Am I making any sense? I suppose the first thing is to see if H is willing to work towards a full division of our finances and a separation agreement, including selling the MH. If we can do that, it would be great. That way, we resolve the finances, and we are still M, and I can carry on DBing for a while...
Part of me feels I just need to protect myself financially now and move on. And another part doesn't want to feel I gave up on our M too soon, or for financial reasons...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots You can only do what's best for you I would follow L's advice on MH as you don't seem to worried about selling it After email last week I would take things slowlly. Rome was built in a day and all that. Positive thoughts and take your time !!!!
Clearly something in the air tonight. I see where you're coming from though.
I'm feeling that uncertain feeling tonight. Not knowing am I doing the right thing hanging in here won't derail your thread though.
Im still trying to get my finances resolved without causing chaos with w, not to the degree you've got but I understand the dichotomy.
I certainly know the feeling of not wanting to look back in x years and wonder what if but equally sometimes the thought to move on can feel rather appealing especially when I'm feeling blue.
From what I understand I think the idea to look into dividing things is a good one, as you say though it will depend on what h thinks as well.
Hang in there toots
Edz
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
You would enter into a separation deed which enables you have rights in other assets which are exercised if there is lack of delivery. But only if there is lack of delivery, certain assets can be placed in escrow so they can not be sold.
For example pension splitting.
This is my own solution.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks to you all for your kind comments. I feel a bit more settled today. Had a good night's sleep and bookshop GAL all day. I'm still full of cold, but I said I would cover the full day - open, cash up, close - so I didn't want to let them down. Had some good laughs and nice chats at the store, but feeling a bit ropey now.
You know, I was thinking - really, we're the lucky ones. There are tons of people out there who haven't found this, or similar, sites - and are just enduring it all without the great support. We all know that family and friends try to help and they love us - but it really isn't the same is it?
After my wobble yesterday, I decided I'm actually pretty clear on a number of things about our sitch:
*I'm willing for us to sell the marital home (if it's part of sorting overall finances.) *I don't want to file for D at this stage *I'm happy if we formalise our S in a 'deed of separation'
The more I think about it, H may well be amenable to a 'deed' if I tell him I'm happy for us to sell the house and divide our finances 'as though' we are D.
I want to tell him that I would prefer us not to D using the 'fault' (under 2 years) options of infidelity or unreasonable behaviour. I can tell him that a) I don't want our M to end, and b) to end in 'that' way if it is to end. Of course, he could choose to file and I would not stand in his way.
If he doesn't want to sort out the finances overall, I could say to him - hey, either of us could file for D at any point and we would have to sort out the finances then - I would just rather we do it in a nicer way.
Of course, I can also tell thim that it would not be my choice for our M to come to an end. But you know, now I'm just not so sure that I want us to remain M. I'm not sure that I don't want us to, but I'm not sure that I do either. Does anyone else feel that way?
T x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
But you know, now I'm just not so sure that I want us to remain M. I'm not sure that I don't want us to, but I'm not sure that I do either. Does anyone else feel that way?
It's a bingo from me. Took me some time to get to this place but I sure am there now.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Well, it's a day off for Toots - the sun is shining and I feel better after my cold. I plan to do some of my distance learning interior design course today (possible future career change? - not sure...) And I'll be off to Mum sit later this pm.
Did a financial recce this morning and moved a couple of pots of cash around. My Dad is doing some investing for me. He's kindly guaranteed me against loss and made 20% for me so far. I think he's enjoying himself. It's only a few '000s invested - but it all helps.
Tomorrow is my monthly calligraphy workshop and we're writing with brushes - chinese style, so that should be nice. Sunday, I've offered to cook lunch for the parents.
No news from H. I'm thinking he may just have had a post-redundancy panic reaction and it's all gone quiet again now. Fine with me and I don't feel like I'm 'waiting' to hear from him. If he wants us to sort out the house etc he knows where I am.
Can't remember if I mentioned, but a guy I volunteer with asked me if I was dating yet. He knows quite a bit about our sitch. I told him no I'm not right now, and I'm still hoping H and I might reconcile if that's possible. I've worked with him a few times since and was with him for a full day yesterday. I'm still not dating - but I was thinking yesterday, he seems like a lovely guy, and it's nice to know that there are nice people 'out there' who could be interested in a R at some point...
Have a good day my lovely online friends! T x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots, Glad to hear you've recovered from your cold now! Enjoy the sun and the design course. Sounds like you have a really nice weekend planned.
I'm glad you are ok with waiting on news from H. Doesn't sound like it's in your best interests to press ahead on the house anyway so a wait and see approach seems best.
That's great about the guy that asked if you're dating. Also it's always flattering to be asked out, hope it gave you a nice little spring in your step rest of the day!
Enjoy the rest of your Friday and weekend T!x
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
And being not sure sounds really healthy as well, kind of like you know what you want in an R, you'd be happy if that were with H but if he's not up to it then you are sure your worth more than that. Something like that anyway.
Feel free to launch your new career by redesigning the interior of my place, because my talents lay elsewhere - playdough animals for example.
Actually with that, your knowledge of what colours to wear, your new found DB skills and I'm sure a multiplicity of other talents, you could get some coaching qualifications and set yourself up as some sort of holistic life-stylist.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Toots, Sounds like stressful times for you right now. I'm reading very carefully since all of this might hit me rather sooner than later. So are you going to legally separate? I understand your fear of D. It's final. The comment of your lawyer was a little irritating "why don't you just D". I hope you will be fine in this whole process and stay the great and strong Toots that we all know!
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Yes, had a pretty nice day, pottering about and glad to be feeling better. Off to the parents in a few mins. Holistic coach? Jim, that sounds a far nicer career than my current one. And V, I'm sure I can turn my hand to roofing if that helps?
Complex, actually my L said the D comment in a very kind way. I very much feel she is on my side. And yes, my hope is that we will legally S - including dealing with the financials as though we are D. I don't want to file for a 'fault' D and would prefer we wait until 2 years S to have a 'no fault' D.
However, these are all my preferences and I have no idea what H thinks. He would have to agree to all of that and he may not. We may shortly have an impasse - IDK. He hasn't responded to my email and I'm not going to chase him up.
Thanks so much for your comments about my strength...I really don't feel that strong, but nice if I manage to come across that way at least sometimes! It's certainly easier not seeing my H much (not seen him since August!) but there are pros and cons to that too...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Your L better is on your side haha. We all have different sides, the way we present ourselves and the way we let ourselves go when no one is watching. But I tell you one thing Toots. You ARE stronger than you'd think. All you are doing/have done, only a very cery strong person can do. Many would've given up long time ago. Not even seeing your H for so long is incredible to me. This is a very long time, at least to me. Have you ever thought of doing a step to meet him again? Is he far away? I wish you the best of luck with your settlements.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Thanks Guys. Complex, my H is a couple of hours away - both when he's at our MH and our flat he uses for work. It's never really felt appropriate to suggest a meet up. But I may well do that now we are due to be discussing settlement stuff.
I guess I feel pretty scared about seeing him now. He's become a person I don't really know, yet I'm still M to him.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Absolutely RD - there are some great guys on here, I agree...
Well, a nice GAL day for me at a calligraphy workshop - nice people and some good laughs trying to write letters with a brush, which was pretty hard.
Started re-reading DR tonight. Since H didn't respond to my email (and I also saw the L) I've been feeling a bit more negative about our sitch. Feel I need a shot of MWD to pep me up again. I'm sure I'll hear from H at some point, and there's no great rush. I guess I just thought the momentum may have started, and maybe it hasn't.
I never like seeing the L (tho she's good, it's useful and needed). But, it always moves my mind on to 'ending' and I find that hard. Also, I've been feeling a bit less sure about whether our M is worth saving. But anything I read would put it firmly in the category of 'save it.' I guess it's probably just a little phase..or maybe detachment...?
The other day, I wondered how I will deal with this dichotomy of wanting to progress with separating the financials - and telling H I don't want to D. I'll have to think about how I handle telling him that at some point.
For a while now, I have never told him I still want to save our M. Not since September I think. He now thinks I have a 'new life' here and wishes me the best. At what point do I say again that I don't want our M and R to end? Is there a risk I'll undo all my good work by saying it or if I don't, a risk that he thinks he needs to let me go now I have a 'life of my own?'
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Tricky toots, I probably tell w far far too often but there's no real limit or timescale that I know of unless I've missed it in d.r
Problem I suppose is it being apropos nothing, out of the blue, context is key it seems
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Thanks Edz and V - kind of you both to respond....
So Edz, it sounds like you're saying 'wait for the right moment' - which will inevitably come, but isn't here right now - and then I can let him know that I hope our M can be saved and D wouldn't be what I would choose.
V, it sounds as though you're saying that I could tell him about the options I've been considering, and that D wouldn't be my chosen way forwards?
Lovely and sunny here, I'm cooking lunch for the parents today, and need to do a food shop first. Later I'll read the next chapter of DR and then Aqua Aerobics tonight. Working away tomorrow, so that will be a long day...
I feel in many ways I'm now a pro at 'distancing and detaching' from my H. And I really stopped all pursuit, with very little contact. So much so that he now feels I have a 'life of my own.' So if my aim was for him to feel my loss, the conditions are there for that, and he may really feel I have moved on - IDK.
I worry that my decision to leave the area at BD - made in fear and pain at the time - may make it much harder for us to potentially reconcile. My own chickens coming home to roost. I guess I also feel much less confident about interacting with him now, hence my re-reading of DR. Oh well, I suppose nothing is insurmountable if we truly want to be together again going forwards...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sunnier here today hoping it stays that way when I go out if I decide to swim today or leave it to tomorrow night haven't decided yet may have a day washing the car by hand or walking to the shops instead. Starting slow today.
Mmm on the area thing what are your plans for location (wow that sounds creepy hopefully you know what I mean!) E.g. are you planning on staying where you are now moving back to the original location (don't mean original house just area) or something else?
I only ask as thats a consideration for your way forward as it affects what h would have to want to do too. If youre happy where you are would he move to that area for example?
I was sort if talking about timing in my case I try to include the "this is not.." Statement or at least a version of it in conversations when w is either starting to discuss my moving on (car spaces, originally when I was starting to take care of myself again etc) so it it's more part of our conversation rather than me blurting (and boy can I blurt) it out at her which in some ways, from me, could sound like pleading. In your case you have worked hard on your detatchment and should be proud of where you have got to but if you want to open up the communications someone has to make the first moves there as you are in far less constant communication than say w and I (on the plus side thats a source of discombobulation for me right now!)
I resist saying excuse, but for what reason could you have a phone or email conversation? I'd invite vets opinions here on some sort of statement of standing?
Keep going toots I have no doubt no matter what happens and you choose you'll stand strong and be happy
Last edited by edz; 03/01/1509:20 AM.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Thanks Edz, on the area thing, I don't think either of us would go back to our original area. We liked it, but it just didn't make sense for either of us any more. It is a 3+ hour commute for H to London from there.
At some point, if we want to be together, we'd need to make a location decision. And it depends partly on H, partly on SS, who's in the NW and partly on me. We could move to where I am, which is an hour's+ commute to London. And we had originally talked about that between EA discovery and BD. But H wasn't that keen on having that kind of commute every day, which I can understand.
His big thing was that he wanted to be home every night, rather than away 2/3 nights a week. His preference would be London I guess, which is good for work, but not ideal in terms of SS. I don't relish the idea of moving there, and it has negative associations right now. Plus, I would be giving up a 'hard won, rebuilt' life here. So, there would be lots to work through and it is a barrier we'd need to get past - but not insurmountable if we really want to. London isn't an absolute deal-breaker for me. Although, I can't see I'd want to live in our flat - where the A was conducted....ugh...
On the contact thing, I plan to stay a bit 'dark' right now - as H has gone quiet after our little flurry of contact recently. If I don't hear from him in a couple of weeks, I'll see how I feel at that point. In the meantime I'll keep on re-reading DR and hone up on the various techniques in anticipation of further contact between us.
Have a good day Edz...what about more of a GAL plan for the times S isn't with you....I'll post on your new thread as I have some more thoughts too....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I read your post last night but took a bit of time to think about it. it left me with a definite 'hmmmmmmmm??????'
i'm going to ask a bunch of questions here which by all means answer but its more things for you to think about.
Why do you want to tell him? what do you think it would change? If he did know, what then? If he did want to reconcile as well, what then? If he didn't, what then? How do you know you still want to reconcile with who he is now having not seen him for a few months? And what on earth is happening with his A?
I'm asking all of this because and please forgive me for being blunt here as i do mean this with the warmest of intents
Originally Posted By: Toots
At what point do I say again that I don't want our M and R to end?
It already has.
what you need to decide is if you want to build a new, better relationship with him almost as though all your history (good and bad) is your 'baggage' from previous relationships - which lets be honest nearly everyone has.
if the answer on that decision is a yes, or at least a 'well i'd like to find out' then the question you need to ask is how do you go about that, rather than how do i tell him i want to save a relationship that has already gone.
Originally Posted By: edz
In your case you have worked hard on your detatchment and should be proud of where you have got to but if you want to open up the communications someone has to make the first moves
I think edz was right about this. I dont necessarily think the first moves have to be about reconciling or relationship stuff. You could work on building a friendly connection. A simple 'how's it going?' or sending a link to something he would find interesting. Anything with a friendly question is good though as it makes clear you would like a response.
there is a balance on pursuit and distancing because its about the interaction of the two and i'm nowhere near wise or experienced enough to know where that sits.
anyway nothing needs to happen today so have a good one
Last edited by jim0987; 03/01/1512:31 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Fair point Jim! I think the wanting to tell him is worry that he may think I have moved on, when actually I would prefer to reconcile if possible. But that may be no bad thing!
And thanks for the point about the M already being over - it's easy to forget that sometimes. I do think if we were ever to reconcile, it would have to be from the ground up, as though we had just met, and start dating etc...then think of making new plans together. And I think we probably need to just get everything separated (tho ideally not D) now.
I don't really think telling him would make any difference right now. And I still have no idea about the A, so I think it's onward for now..As for the 'friendly contact' - i just don't know. I felt I offered him quite a bit of kindness last two weeks - an email about losing his job another one in response to his R/money email. A text to see how he is, a birthday card, and a HBD text. And after all that, he's been dark for almost a week, without responding to any of the R/money stuff..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi. Toots. Usual disclaimer re me being a vet but why tell him ? I would understand if H was coming forward more but I think the email was reaching out a little and I would see if he reaches out more first. I think you will know when it's time to tell him how you feel. In my sitch I also think W believes I have moved on re her She has reached out over the last few months but really she was just venting her sadness re our own sitch. I think we LBS's are always looking for signs of hope. Nothing wrong with that but if our WAS want to come home they have to do the work. I often think W would have to change so much to return but then I look at what she gave up to leave.
Stay strong Toots , you are obviously an intelligent person so I believe you will know when it's time.
Thanks RD - I think that makes sense...and better to have seen a little 'reaching out' than otherwise I suppose. I'm happy with all my responses back and think it's best to leave things be right now. No urgent need to do anything. Best not to worry over it....
Did you have a nice time at the movie theatre? Now this lady-friend, is she just a lady who happens to be your friend, or is there a little more there??
T x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots I didn't end up going in the end. I think I only agreed because I was down. This is the lady I had dinner with and there was no spark but when she invited me out again I suppose I was flattered. I will post on my thread shortly. Nothing interesting so don't rush over there. Take care. Rd
Feeling a bit out of sorts this evening. I got a bill from the L for our consultation last week (£225....eek!) To be fair, we had a 40 min consultation and she wrote a detailed letter to me afterwards. I just hadn't realised she cost £220/hour. So, I know I need to be really prepared when dealing with the L and only use her when really needed, and minimise the time. I worry that my being clouded with emotion and undecided could cost me dear.
Still no news from H. I emailed over a week ago saying I was willing to discuss what to do with the house. I'd like to get the financials started really, and I wonder whether there's any harm in emailing him to propose a way forward - sell the house as part of dividing/resolving our M assets/finances in a deed of separation. If he says he wants to file for D, he can go ahead, I won't stand in his way, but I don't want us to D.
I guess I just panic a little at the thought of taking this step....any thoughts friends?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sorry its a bit of a stressful evening. I suppose the question is do you need to do anything because of the financials or just step back and get perspective? If you need or want to then I think the steps above sound good making it clear that while you don't want to d this is a good step to protect both of you or something similar?
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Thanks Edz, I don't 'need' to do anything right now - I'm not going under financially. But I guess I partly feel a bit stupid that I haven't taken more steps to protect myself financially.
I feel we are in limbo money wise and everything is 'on trust' ATM. We still have a joint account, which I'm not paying into and H said I am welcome to use. I have occasionally used it, but very little, and I've stopped now he has lost his job. I just realised my joint account card expired at the end of Feb. Will be interesting to see if H forwards the new one from our MH!
In actual fact, I could go on for a good while longer - certainly for another 3/6 months - and longer if I chose to pick up some more freelance work...I just feel we should get things settled sooner rather than later - who knows what he may be up to with the remainder of our assets (which I know little about....just makes me nervous - although he's generally prudent with money.) But he's currently wayward, so who knows....
I just feel so conflicted about it - and it's ridiculous really. I feel I'm pretty strong in some other areas of our sitch - I don't know why I'm being so unassertive about it really. I guess I'll just give it some more thought and act when I'm really sure - if I ever get to the point of being really sure!!
Last edited by Toots; 03/03/1508:40 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Obviously you should make sure youre safe financially. I can say w and I are still on a joint account. Covered why on my thread so won't go into it all again but be aware you're not the only one holding on. Its true I am trusting wnprobably more than sensible but I suppose one of us has to trust the other at some point to move the sitch on. Time will tell if this is a daft move or one that helped move us forward.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
I read that all you really need H to know is there is a road to R. The details involve work by both etc etc........
In the long run this is an alternative, and one of many choices. Like a multiple choice radio button.
Take your L advice Toots and be clear that this is best for Toots and for Toots and H whatever happens. Damaging Toots is of no assistance to either Toots or R. Act from a place of strength financial as well as emotional.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Toots if in doubt do nothing. Time is on your side and unless you want to move on I would wait. Your L seems way of the mark re pricing , 220'an hour. !!!!!! I'd want dinner and a movie thrown in !!!!
Thanks V, Edz and RD - appreciate the comments. RD, I'll maybe see if she'll throw in a movie and dinner next time! I plan to just pay the bill and chalk it down to experience. Minimise the time there and prepare really well so it all runs smoothly. I'd like to stick with her - she seems great.
As for broaching things with H - well I still don't know, but I've told myself I'll do nothing for now anyway. I just posted on Edz' thread - I feel H popped up out of his hole - dropped a huge bomb - then disappeared right down again and hasn't been seen since!
Oh well. Hoping to diversify with my freelance work and emailed my CV off to someone today. It is speculative, and I don't have much hope for it - but thought I'd give it a try. I also heard back from Relate, and have a meeting set up next month about a possible infidelity support group - exciting!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey Toots, haven't commented because I don't have much to offer here, no experience in the way of dividing resources or Hs who appear and disappear, but I wanted to say I think you're doing really well and managing your hopes and expectations extremely well. Keep going! You look to be on the right track. H can reappear if and when he wants.
Good luck with the freelance work!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Hi Toots. Again nothing but support I'm afraid. You are very strong and have handled your H's recent contact really well. It was obvious you had some hope but you never let it grow and kept a cool head. I admire you and your ability to deal with the crap you have thrown at you. Impressed and a little bit in awe. Well done Toots
Thanks Susana and RD - You're both very kind - and RD, the awe goes both ways!
I think for now, the onus is on me to improve my earnings here and be more secure myself in the longer term - so that's what I'll be working on. I have trundled along with my no pressure freelance work, which is great and that can continue for a while. but I plan to add something else in and (hopefully) increase my earnings in coming months. That way, finances aren't such a pressing factor, and I can keep on as I am..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well, busy working today until around 2pm. Then headed off into town for a bit, paid the solicitor's bill. Thought if I did that quickly it might feel less painful (it didn't.)
When I was in town, I noticed they have a vacancy in our smart shoe shop are - part time - but I thought GAL? Might be fun. I've been thinking of adding something else on to my part time freelance work. Emailed my CV over to them, so we'll see how that goes. I love shoes, and have a sinking feeling this could result in a negative income situation for me - with a gain in sales for the store....
All quiet on the H front. I may drop him a text at some point, just to see how he's doing.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The more mystery shops at high end stores I do the more I want to buy things while I am there (spending WAY more than I am being paid to be there)
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
H - asked for the number of our decorator to start getting the house ready for sale. T - replied with number. Let me know if you want us to work out plans re the house
Then I thought I should tell him about my position before he arranges decorating..
T - I need to let you know, I've been advised to sell only if we do it as part of dividing all our assets.
H- doesn't mind if we work up a plan to divide things. Maybe better sooner rather than later. I know you may want to buy a place. How do you want us to do it? Would you like me to suggest something?
T - Yes, if you want to suggest, that would be good.
H - Should be home by lunch and will send suggestion over this pm. He's sure we can agree something.
All sounds pretty positive on the financial/asset front, which is good. H certainly sounds pleasant and amenable. I'll wait and see what he suggests. Still no R talk for us. Presume I shouldn't be initiating anything. I'll just respond to what he suggests. Any thoughts welcome. T x
Last edited by Toots; 03/06/1511:48 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Obviously you want the financials sorted if all comes to all but deep down do you want R woth your H ?
If you do then I would continue down your path but I wouldn't make it all roses for him. At some point he needs to have an idea of how the real Toots feels. The last thing you want is for you both to feel positive about an R but no one mention it. You H did a terrible thing to you and you have posted that he know thinks you are living a new happy life. He isn't going to come back on his hands and knees ( even though he should ! )
Think hard young Toots, life isn't black and white and Toots is all important in this !
as always, please take care as I sense Toots needs to take extra care around this time. Rd
Thanks for your kind thoughts. I would still like us to R if possible. And no, he certainly doesn't know that at this point. I've done a good job of acting 'as if' I think - easier when you have very limited interaction.
And I do have a nagging doubt - what if he wanted us to R but presumes I don't? There have been hints of it 'stars' as you say. It would be just like H to 'accept it must be over' based on what he did and try and be decent about it. So I do feel I will need to address that at some point - if only to reassure myself - but then I worry it may be anti DB and undo some good work already done.
All of this said, I think selling the house needs to happen (unless H didn't want to, but he does.) As our lives developed and changed, the location stopped being good for us. Actually where I am now is a much better location for 'us' if we are an 'us' in the future. And based on L advice selling the house goes hand in hand with dividing assets. Although I might hesitate to go down this path if H didn't seem amenable, but he does...
I guess I'll wait and see what he suggests and post for further advice....Hope a vet maybe also drops by...Thanks RDx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
And I do have a nagging doubt - what if he wanted us to R but presumes I don't? There have been hints of it 'stars' as you say. It would be just like H to 'accept it must be over' based on what he did and try and be decent about it. So I do feel I will need to address that at some point - if only to reassure myself - but then I worry it may be anti DB and undo some good work already done.
Toots - I've thought about that multiple times. Along with the idea that I wanted to make sure I did everything I could. But at the end of the day that is still pursuing and if it isn't something H wants it will undo some of the work you have done. It seems like a catch 22 in my mind, but it is still the LRT way.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
So, I heard back from H, who suggests the following:
*He keeps paying to run our house until it sells & he will arrange to list it (ideally in March) *He suggests paying me £10k on 'settling' to 'keep me going' until the house sells. *I take 60% of the house proceeds *All pensions, cars and savings in our own names remain so *We can agree on splitting 'posessions' with a walk round the house together *He would prefer to avoid using L's, but understands if I'm not happy doing that *He hopes we can resolve this quickly and 'move on together' *He doesn't want to do anything to hurt me *These days he doesn't have the energy for prolongued disputes.
This feels like a 'stick my finger in the air' and let's just agree something. It doesn't deal with the rest of our assets, mostly built up during our M, including our city flat. I think this is what he 'hopes' a D settlement may look like (favourable to him.) Is he trying to pull a fast one, or just naive? IDK - but am holding myself back right now from venting.
Very different from my L advice to only sell the house as part of separating assets and finances as though we are D'ing. I'm going to check out the process of dividing marital assets and finances and draft a reply to him for any comments.
Any thoughts in the meantime? Not sure what he means by 'move on together...'
Last edited by Toots; 03/06/1502:57 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
H, thanks for the suggestions. I also hope we can resolve things and move on together. I have seen a solicitor and don't feel I could make such big decisions without advice. Thanks for understanding this, and I'm sure you'll seek support if you feel you need to. She has advised that we only sell the house as part of a full financial settlement, with these steps -
*Full financial disclosure using form E *Exchanging financial info *Considering the full financial picture *Agreeing a fair settlement *Confirming this in a separation agreement
Like you, I hope to avoid any more hurt and I hope we can work this out together. I don't want a protracted dispute either - L is trained in 'collaborative law' actually. Hopefully we can both agree on a fair way forwards. Look forward to hearing from you H.
Toots
And my big query....is this the time for me to tell him I don't want us to D and that I hope we can be together again?? I haven't said this since last Autumn and have been acting 'as if.'
Last edited by Toots; 03/06/1503:51 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Toots, hope a vet will pass by soon. I'm not really sure what to advise but I wanted to ask if you think you'll have a chance to meet with H? If you do end up re-stating your position on wanting to R, I feel like it would be better said in person.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
is this the time for me to tell him I don't want us to D and that I hope we can be together again?? I haven't said this since last Autumn and have been acting 'as if.'
I think not.
You are in the middle of negotiating your divorce. Why raise the white flag and tell him in essence you can walk all over me and that is OK.
Would you do that in the middle of a business transaction? That is what this is, just business, try to keep all the emotion out of it, IMHO.
Agree with Cadet. If your husband still has feelings for you, he does know where to find you. Best he come back with you in a position of STRENGTH, as that's the only way you're going to get the "what would you need to have in order for me to come back?" remorse and transparency that I'm guessing you would need from him at this point?
Hi toots. Sounds good to me but a vet is needed. In my humble opinion wait to tell him re your feelings the process is still a month or so away. You need to take time a get the advice you need re R. Stay strong Toots , this is just another chapter in your book. Take care. Rd
Hi Toots (from your timezone nonetheless...but with jet lag).
I see you have sent the email and I think it was well written. Actually I admire your ability to word things so well. Kind but detached.
I have a question for you knowing that you and I similarly have little contact with our H's. What is the harm in saying D is not what you want at this stage? In moving forward with the financial settlement you are sending the message that that D is what you want. But it's not! I get that you need to sort out the financials to protect yourself but it's a shame that has to happen under the guise of "as if". Just wondering if there is a middle ground here, a way to be true to yourself while also protecting yourself financially.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hi Gan - welcome to our time zone! And thanks for your comments (and your comments too RD!) Gan, as you know, I feel uncertain about this - but I have heard from two vets already - Cadet and Starsky - who don't think I should go there right now....bear in mind I still have no idea if OW (or a new OW even?) is on the scene.
Interestingly, even where we're at, D has never been mentioned. I have no idea why. Whether H feels conflicted, or whether he doesn't want to D, and for him to be 'twice D'd) - IDK. I think he had this picture in his mind that we would informally agree things and go our separate ways.
I feel pretty calm this morning. It's always better once I've made a decision. I think it may unsettle H, as I don't think it fits with his vision of how this would be. So there could well be a negative reaction from him. I figure I'll just stay on a calm path and validate if so. I don't take any pleasure in upsetting his apple cart, but I do have a 'bottom line' in terms of how we deal with separating finances.
I'm bookstore GALing today, which is always nice. We have some great customers, and I'm reading some better crime fiction at the moment as you get recommendations from them. I also need to gather some stuff for my L this weekend. I'm hoping we might be in a position to start the 'financials' process off next week - but that may be optimistic, we'll see...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Toots, in your state is collaborative law with the lawyer, accountant and C? Or is it mediation (one L and both of you)? I did mediation and wished I did collaborative divorce (here that is a L, C and accountant).
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I'm in the UK, and collaborative law is where you each have a collaborative law solicitor and meet (together with the solicitors) to work things out. In our case (given current distance) we may not actually meet, but can still work with a collaborative ethos hopefully.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I wish you all the best luck and endurance with the upcoming process!! Stay strong and I hope things won't be too rough, but I think you got this and in the end it'll turn out well for you either way.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Well, today is an antiversary for me. It was a year ago this evening that I found out my H had been emailing OW, and that she had stayed the night at our city flat. OH broke things off straight away, but then an on/off/on PA started 2 weeks later, which I didn't know about until last July.
H and I have been in touch quite a bit today about logistics for this & that. I think his tone is a bit less warm than of late - maybe because I stood my ground about the legal process. Still, he's going along with what I proposed, so that's okay.
He just emailed me to say he thinks he as found a home for our rabbit - at the petting corner of a local open farm. I think that will be a very nice option for her. I have no idea where our sitch is going. Nowhere very positive it seems, although it will be good to have more financial security etc. I'm trying to remain hopeful for 'us' in the longer term...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
good to hear you're sounding positive on a lot of aspects given the date and that h is sounding a little less warm. Don't give up on hoping for a r if that's what you still want.
I'm very happy to hear bunny will be likely going somewhere happy, that sounds like a lovely option both for her and those who will love to see her.
Edz
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
I have a suggestion for a name on your next thread: "Toot va bien"! French for "everything will be fine/good".
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Hi Toots, thanks for stopping by my thread earlier.
I see what you mean about the similarities in our sitch's right now! I had a good read through your threads today. I've decided that I'm going to go down the exact same path as you I think.
I won't file for D when it's not me that wants it. The separation agreement will have to do as far as any changes further down the line and any trust issues I have against W. What I want is my family back and me filing for D against W does not work towards that goal at all! The future may or may not hold any positive changes in our M, but if I file, it'll certainly hold negative ones.
Just so you know, my L is £220 p/h too, chargeable in 6 minute increments...Ouch! You don't call them to chat about the weather do you lol!!
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Hi Barry, thanks for posting. It's good to know that your L charges the same. Must be the going rate! I'm going to start a monthly direct debit for £220, so I pay as I go along on their recommendation. Money will be pretty tight until things are resolved, but I think that's the best way for me.
Glad if reading my sitch helped you at all. Obviously I'm no expert - but I'm happy with the decision purely to formalise our S - which as it's been 8 monhts now seems like a good idea. And H is giving little positive signs - like saying he's been stupid, forgot what was important and "move on together." Who knows what that all means, but I don't want to file for D right now.
Actually, I'm finding things pretty tough just at the moment. I was on a fairly steady plane for a while, and reality is biting for me as we start to deal with offloading our family home. I know so many of us go through this, but it is tough. I loved living there and it was a very happy phase in my life that has come to an end. One of the things I'm coming to terms with is that I left 'like a thief in the night' when H told me about his A. I don't feel I left there 'properly' and I regret that now. I think it was all I could manage at the time though.
My sleep has been affected this week by what has been happening, and I feel much more emotional - back to the 'early' days in many ways. I think I will step up on the looking fter myself again, as I suspect things may get worse before they get better.
Actually, I think H is putting his BBPs on. In one of his emails to me he said he knew he needed to get his practical and financial head on and I think he is doing that. I offered to arrange and pay for our gardener to go in, and he said he would possibly do the work himself to save (me) the money. He has arranged decorators now, the bunny's new home and will also list the house with agents when it is ready.
I'm lucky that he is being so helpful really. I sense he may want to try and 'make amends' for the situation and feel he needs to be responsible for the bulk of things - IDK, and maybe mindreading. I have offered to help with things.
My biggest concern is to make arrangements for our very elderly cat (20) who stayed in the house with H. She is so old and frail now, but she is 'my' cat. I didn't want to move her. Part of me homes that she may end her days comfortably there. But I plan to ask if it is possible to bring her to my rented flat here. This is what was keeping me awake last night. I haven't even wanted to post about her here, because I feel bad about it.
Anyway, just needed to journal for a bit as feeling sad and teary this morning. I think I'm just dealing with 'brutal reality' now as per the Stockdale Paradox. But I figure if I made it through BD, I'll make it through this - and hopefully it will be a relief to get to the other side.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots, sorry to hear you're feeling a bit sad today. I know it's a really tough thing to have to think about when it's not what we want at all. Try to keep your spirits up though and get some rest if you're feeling tired.
You're posts always help me, I find you such a calming influence. I wish you all the best Toots.
Barry
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Hi Toots, Sorry you're down. It must be strange and a little disconcerting to have NC for so long and then have H pop up with such big news. It's a lot to take in, and selling the house is a big thing. I hope you find a way to get your cat, you must miss her. I'm sorry the thought's been keeping you up at night. Hope you can find a way to get her to your flat.
Take care of yourself today.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
As per others sorry you're feeling a little blue. I can certainly relate this week. Feels like one minute you feel happy and excited for the contact then the next right down in the dumps or preoccupied about the what's why's and wherefores. Last week has been a revisit to the rollercoaster forgot how much it wasn't fun!
Hang in there toots, remember that at its core dB is do what works for you and your sitch and make the decisions that will make you the happiest and keep at doors open you want to keep open. Try to relax and enjoy those aqua aerobics and your other activities. As I've been telling myself this week, this too will pass
Edz
Last edited by edz; 03/08/1512:13 PM.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Hi toots. Just a thought about you stealing away in the night. Whenever I read you signature , I feel you leaving when you found out about OW was very brave and incredibly strong. I would not mess with Toots. Just passing on my thoughts. Chin up toots you will be very happy again. If things don't go as you wish with H , some guy is going to have a fantastic partner in life and Im already envious of him !!!!!!
Thanks for stopping by guys. And RD, an extra thank you to you - that was such a lovely post and I was very touched...the feeling is entirely mutual, I assure you!
Well, I hope you'll all join me on my new thread - Toot Va Bien - as I think this one may be about to close.....xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sounds like communications are warm with h which is good, as you know I certainly know this phase just be careful with expectations as I have to make sure I squash any in myself before interactions. Helps so much to maintain PMA before,during and after if you can do that, still learning the skill completely myself though 
