Toot Alors!

[Sotto]

Had a reasonable response from H - he says he'll also find a collaborative L and come back to me - so that's pretty good I think.

[mahhhty]

Toots, in your state is collaborative law with the lawyer, accountant and C? Or is it mediation (one L and both of you)? I did mediation and wished I did collaborative divorce (here that is a L, C and accountant).

[Sotto]

Hi Mahhhty

I'm in the UK, and collaborative law is where you each have a collaborative law solicitor and meet (together with the solicitors) to work things out. In our case (given current distance) we may not actually meet, but can still work with a collaborative ethos hopefully.

[Complex]

I wish you all the best luck and endurance with the upcoming process!! Stay strong and I hope things won't be too rough, but I think you got this and in the end it'll turn out well for you either way.

[Sotto]

Well, today is an antiversary for me. It was a year ago this evening that I found out my H had been emailing OW, and that she had stayed the night at our city flat. OH broke things off straight away, but then an on/off/on PA started 2 weeks later, which I didn't know about until last July.

H and I have been in touch quite a bit today about logistics for this & that. I think his tone is a bit less warm than of late - maybe because I stood my ground about the legal process. Still, he's going along with what I proposed, so that's okay.

He just emailed me to say he thinks he as found a home for our rabbit - at the petting corner of a local open farm. I think that will be a very nice option for her. I have no idea where our sitch is going. Nowhere very positive it seems, although it will be good to have more financial security etc. I'm trying to remain hopeful for 'us' in the longer term...

[edz]

Hi Toots

good to hear you're sounding positive on a lot of aspects given the date and that h is sounding a little less warm. Don't give up on hoping for a r if that's what you still want.

I'm very happy to hear bunny will be likely going somewhere happy, that sounds like a lovely option both for her and those who will love to see her.

Edz

[Complex]

I have a suggestion for a name on your next thread: "Toot va bien"!
French for "everything will be fine/good".

[Sotto]

Thanks Edz and Complex!

Complex....you may well have hit the jackpot with that one!!

[Barry]

Hi Toots, thanks for stopping by my thread earlier.

I see what you mean about the similarities in our sitch's right now! I had a good read through your threads today.
I've decided that I'm going to go down the exact same path as you I think.

I won't file for D when it's not me that wants it. The separation agreement will have to do as far as any changes further down the line and any trust issues I have against W. What I want is my family back and me filing for D against W does not work towards that goal at all! The future may or may not hold any positive changes in our M, but if I file, it'll certainly hold negative ones.

Just so you know, my L is £220 p/h too, chargeable in 6 minute increments...Ouch!
You don't call them to chat about the weather do you lol!!

[Sotto]

Hi Barry, thanks for posting. It's good to know that your L charges the same. Must be the going rate! I'm going to start a monthly direct debit for £220, so I pay as I go along on their recommendation. Money will be pretty tight until things are resolved, but I think that's the best way for me.

Glad if reading my sitch helped you at all. Obviously I'm no expert - but I'm happy with the decision purely to formalise our S - which as it's been 8 monhts now seems like a good idea. And H is giving little positive signs - like saying he's been stupid, forgot what was important and "move on together." Who knows what that all means, but I don't want to file for D right now.

Actually, I'm finding things pretty tough just at the moment. I was on a fairly steady plane for a while, and reality is biting for me as we start to deal with offloading our family home. I know so many of us go through this, but it is tough. I loved living there and it was a very happy phase in my life that has come to an end. One of the things I'm coming to terms with is that I left 'like a thief in the night' when H told me about his A. I don't feel I left there 'properly' and I regret that now. I think it was all I could manage at the time though.

My sleep has been affected this week by what has been happening, and I feel much more emotional - back to the 'early' days in many ways. I think I will step up on the looking fter myself again, as I suspect things may get worse before they get better.

Actually, I think H is putting his BBPs on. In one of his emails to me he said he knew he needed to get his practical and financial head on and I think he is doing that. I offered to arrange and pay for our gardener to go in, and he said he would possibly do the work himself to save (me) the money. He has arranged decorators now, the bunny's new home and will also list the house with agents when it is ready.

I'm lucky that he is being so helpful really. I sense he may want to try and 'make amends' for the situation and feel he needs to be responsible for the bulk of things - IDK, and maybe mindreading. I have offered to help with things.

My biggest concern is to make arrangements for our very elderly cat (20) who stayed in the house with H. She is so old and frail now, but she is 'my' cat. I didn't want to move her. Part of me homes that she may end her days comfortably there. But I plan to ask if it is possible to bring her to my rented flat here. This is what was keeping me awake last night. I haven't even wanted to post about her here, because I feel bad about it.

Anyway, just needed to journal for a bit as feeling sad and teary this morning. I think I'm just dealing with 'brutal reality' now as per the Stockdale Paradox. But I figure if I made it through BD, I'll make it through this - and hopefully it will be a relief to get to the other side.