Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 290
R
RysinMn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 290
ok guys just got assaulted with what seems like WW3 what do you suggest i do. i have an email that i have drafted because the talking is now out of the question. i will post the entire encounter and let me know what you think.

This is the message that OM just sent out to the whole Acro troupe:
Sorry since two people teamed up to keep My W and OM from playing i can't even be at the gym while she is there. she works on fridays and its raining....looks like i am out. see you sunday.

This is the message that (friend) just sent out to the whole Acro troupe:

"Hi all, since OM put it out there I'll clear the air. W's husband of 7 years, Rysinmn, filed a complaint with the military because of the affair she told him was on going between her and OM. I didn't know he was filing it nor did I have ANYTHING to do with it. He told me days after the fact. All the "evidence" that Rysinmn gave to the military was the numerous emails & text messages between OM and his wife, both while he was deployed & after his return. Based on the initial review of evidence the Military issued a no contact order to OM. Rysinmn's W is free to attend acro anytime. OM would need to excuse himself if she is in attendance. So if someone wants to say that Rysinmn "conspired" to keep his WIFE & her lover apart then rightly so. He was trying fight for his marriage & the woman he loves. This is what a man in love does. Bottom line: Actions have consequences. To blame others for the consequence your own choices is immaturity."

W recieved that email from someone and i know who it was because she is not on the text distro list. and this is what she sent to me.

I want to thank you, again, for sharing so much of our personal information with the world. I just dont even know what to say anymore. This message says that you still talk to Angel about what is going on between us, that you talked to her after you requested the no contact order. This is exactly why I say I can live like this. For me, this is the ultimate betrayal. Its fine if you think I deserve it, but then tell me that to my face. I just dont know what to say anymore.

M-How did you hear about this I am at a loss. I don't know what to say. So don't blame me. This has nothing to do with me.

W-Where did she get all of this information, Rysinmn? Please dont play games with me.

M-From OM, there is no games. she knows everything because that guy shared everything with her until the day the no contact went into play then he dropped her friendship. That is why she contacted me in the begining worried about you. is that how the convo went down or is there more. And don't play with me where did you get that info to come at me so blindsided.

W-I am so done with all of this and everyone. I am in control of my life and no one else. I am done with people trying to control me, including you and the military and the whole [censored] world. Either drop the no contact order and step out of my life long enough for me to gain some clarity, or I am filing for divorce. I am sorry it has come to this, I never wanted it to be like this between us, but whether you want to admit this or not you got Angel involved in this whole situation and this is the result. Make your choice because I am not putting up with this anymore and not letting anyone influence my life any longer.

now this is what i am going to send to her please tell me what you think. I am completely over this.

M- Oh (friend) knew about me and you from OM long before I knew about you and OM. But you are so blinded that you can't see the truth. So go ahead and blame me for everything, but that man is playing you for a fool and there is nothing anyone else can do or say to make you see the truth. I hope you know what he has been doing since the NC but that is neither here nor there. But if you ever want the truth all you have to do is ask. there are plenty of emails and text messages floating about that you would be tickled pink to read.

You have made this bed and you can sleep in it W. I am not angry with you nor am I resentful of you anymore. Actually I feel bad for you. I see the person you have become and I feel bad. To me you were once a good, sweet, amazing person. But you are right in stating that you are not that person anymore. I have continued to try and be here to support you if you needed it, but all you have done is blame me for everything ignoring the fact that of your actions. I tried to hold onto trust and faith in us for far too long but trust is based on actions that are consistent.

I don't trust you because you have not been consistent and have been lying to me this entire time. In fact I trust you to continue doing the same thing, because you have been lying to me consistently - that's what i can trust. To be able to trust, you have to build trust. Sure I can trust you blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?

I no longer want your cell phone records. I don't want to look at your cell phone text messages and call history, I don't want your email or facebook password, I don't want your voicemail passwords. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need. I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything anymore, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.

From now on I'm moving forward to better myself and make myself happy, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't try to control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore; and you already know that if you're with OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that anymore i'm worth more than you are giving me. If you really want to be with OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that; and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am, and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to myself and that's all that matters - I see that now. If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had a lot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are, what you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for far too long.

I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me. Look, I'm done; i'm not lifting another finger to either do or undo any of the things I've done to try to save this marriage. I've already wasted far too much time on this and I need to start living my life, whatever that holds. I really don't care who you see or you don't see anymore, because you're not with me I was fired as your husband the moment you started the affair. If you ever decide you want to be with me, well . . . my standards and boundaries are pretty clear, aren't they, maybe one day maybe. But You're a grown woman -- go do as you wish. This isn't working for me any more, and I deserve better than this.


RysingMan

Me:31 W:29
T:8 M:4
D bomb: 10/2014
S 1/2015
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Rys -

I'm new to your sitch so excuse me if this isn't accurate but just reading this post ... You sound very angry. Sure you told W you were happy and not resentful but it doesn't sound that way. You could have easily said in a few short sentences what you wrote over and over. Sorry if this comes off as a 2x4 but if I were in an A with OM that message would not come off to me as someone who was moving forward.

I think right now you should sit back. If she responds to that I would leave it be for now and not say anything. I am not a vet though so let's see what they have to say.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 290
R
RysinMn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 290
i have not sent it yet and yes i am angry. but i am ready to move on.


RysingMan

Me:31 W:29
T:8 M:4
D bomb: 10/2014
S 1/2015
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
NO. Good lord, no.

95% too much. "Letting them go" only works if YOU initiate it. You're still reacting to HER.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. Everything I've done, I've done to try to save our marriage. I stand by my actions."

That -- or something similar -- is ALL you should say.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
4
Member
Offline
Member
4
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
Rysin, been reading your sitch for a while and never knew what to say until now.

Thank you for serving our country and I am truly sorry for your pain. Do not send that letter.


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 290
R
RysinMn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 290
Ok I will not send that. She just sent me an email saying that if I don't lift the NC order she is going to file for D. And then she sent another after I didn't respond that said let me know your decision. I don't plan on responding.


RysingMan

Me:31 W:29
T:8 M:4
D bomb: 10/2014
S 1/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 290
R
RysinMn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 290
How do I approach this.


RysingMan

Me:31 W:29
T:8 M:4
D bomb: 10/2014
S 1/2015
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
Originally Posted By: RysinMn
ok guys just got assaulted with what seems like WW3 what do you suggest i do. i have an email that i have drafted because the talking is now out of the question. i will post the entire encounter and let me know what you think.

This is the message that OM just sent out to the whole Acro troupe:
Sorry since two people teamed up to keep My W and OM from playing i can't even be at the gym while she is there. she works on fridays and its raining....looks like i am out. see you sunday.

This is the message that (friend) just sent out to the whole Acro troupe:

"Hi all, since OM put it out there I'll clear the air. W's husband of 7 years, Rysinmn, filed a complaint with the military because of the affair she told him was on going between her and OM. I didn't know he was filing it nor did I have ANYTHING to do with it. He told me days after the fact. All the "evidence" that Rysinmn gave to the military was the numerous emails & text messages between OM and his wife, both while he was deployed & after his return. Based on the initial review of evidence the Military issued a no contact order to OM. Rysinmn's W is free to attend acro anytime. OM would need to excuse himself if she is in attendance. So if someone wants to say that Rysinmn "conspired" to keep his WIFE & her lover apart then rightly so. He was trying fight for his marriage & the woman he loves. This is what a man in love does. Bottom line: Actions have consequences. To blame others for the consequence your own choices is immaturity."


No WAS wants to hear a long drawn out speech. What they respond to is actions and pain.

Originally Posted By: RysinMn


W recieved that email from someone and i know who it was because she is not on the text distro list. and this is what she sent to me.

I want to thank you, again, for sharing so much of our personal information with the world. I just dont even know what to say anymore. This message says that you still talk to Angel about what is going on between us, that you talked to her after you requested the no contact order. This is exactly why I say I can live like this. For me, this is the ultimate betrayal. Its fine if you think I deserve it, but then tell me that to my face. I just dont know what to say anymore.

M-How did you hear about this I am at a loss. I don't know what to say. So don't blame me. This has nothing to do with me.

W-Where did she get all of this information, Rysinmn? Please dont play games with me.

M-From OM, there is no games. she knows everything because that guy shared everything with her until the day the no contact went into play then he dropped her friendship. That is why she contacted me in the begining worried about you. is that how the convo went down or is there more. And don't play with me where did you get that info to come at me so blindsided.


He was there for the free sex, and once he had to worry about carrying her he dropped it like a hot potatoe.

Originally Posted By: RysinMn


W-I am so done with all of this and everyone. I am in control of my life and no one else. I am done with people trying to control me, including you and the military and the whole [censored] world. Either drop the no contact order and step out of my life long enough for me to gain some clarity, or I am filing for divorce. I am sorry it has come to this, I never wanted it to be like this between us, but whether you want to admit this or not you got Angel involved in this whole situation and this is the result. Make your choice because I am not putting up with this anymore and not letting anyone influence my life any longer.

now this is what i am going to send to her please tell me what you think. I am completely over this.


You tell her your not putting up with it any longer by not putting up with it any longer. There is really nothing to say.

Originally Posted By: RysinMn


M- Oh (friend) knew about me and you from OM long before I knew about you and OM. But you are so blinded that you can't see the truth. So go ahead and blame me for everything, but that man is playing you for a fool and there is nothing anyone else can do or say to make you see the truth. I hope you know what he has been doing since the NC but that is neither here nor there. But if you ever want the truth all you have to do is ask. there are plenty of emails and text messages floating about that you would be tickled pink to read.


you don't have to say all of this.

Originally Posted By: RysinMn


You have made this bed and you can sleep in it W. I am not angry with you nor am I resentful of you anymore. Actually I feel bad for you. I see the person you have become and I feel bad. To me you were once a good, sweet, amazing person. But you are right in stating that you are not that person anymore. I have continued to try and be here to support you if you needed it, but all you have done is blame me for everything ignoring the fact that of your actions. I tried to hold onto trust and faith in us for far too long but trust is based on actions that are consistent.


What you don't realize is she HAS BEEN CONSISTENT. She consistently betrays you and lies to your face. She consistently undermines you and goes behind your back. She has been consistent for a long time and you think this consistency is going to stop over night? I wouldn't even worry about it.

Originally Posted By: RysinMn


I don't trust you because you have not been consistent and have been lying to me this entire time. In fact I trust you to continue doing the same thing, because you have been lying to me consistently - that's what i can trust. To be able to trust, you have to build trust. Sure I can trust you blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?


Like I said, she HAS BEEN CONSISTENT. She consistently lies to you and cheats on you in various ways.

Originally Posted By: RysinMn


I no longer want your cell phone records. I don't want to look at your cell phone text messages and call history, I don't want your email or facebook password, I don't want your voicemail passwords. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need. I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything anymore, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.


Just stop looking and use that time on yourself.

Originally Posted By: RysinMn


From now on I'm moving forward to better myself and make myself happy, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't try to control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore; and you already know that if you're with OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that anymore i'm worth more than you are giving me. If you really want to be with OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that; and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am, and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to myself and that's all that matters - I see that now. If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had a lot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are, what you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for far too long.


You don't have to tell her this even. Move on and enjoy your life. She chose what she is doing over you. There is nothing to fight and nothing to tell her. She won't "get it" until you have well moved on, happy and likely enjoying life with a new lady who fully appreciates the man that you are.

Originally Posted By: RysinMn


I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me. Look, I'm done; i'm not lifting another finger to either do or undo any of the things I've done to try to save this marriage. I've already wasted far too much time on this and I need to start living my life, whatever that holds. I really don't care who you see or you don't see anymore, because you're not with me I was fired as your husband the moment you started the affair. If you ever decide you want to be with me, well . . . my standards and boundaries are pretty clear, aren't they, maybe one day maybe. But You're a grown woman -- go do as you wish. This isn't working for me any more, and I deserve better than this.


Show her your standards, don't have to tell her. You don't keep taking care of friends who don't take care of you. It's pretty simple.

These "wives" are kinda like long term girlfriends who decided they aren't coming home any more, and sleeping with a nother guy and going over there all the time, wasting your money, setting you up to be robbed, etc. You gotta let them go.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
Despite how you feel right now, this isn't urgent.

I LOL'd when I read this one line from W:
For me, this is the ultimate betrayal.

I just LOL'd again, copying and pasting that. I shouldn't have to tell you why I LOL'd. The "ultimate" betrayal, my big ol' white butt ...

Rysin, I haven't had much sleep the past few nights, so I'm not comfortable writing too much to you because it might not be coherent (or wise). I'll also be hit-or-miss tomorrow, but with what's going on in your sitch, I'll be proactive about checking for any updates from you.

Meanwhile, I want you to understand something: you can't fix your M in a day. But you can sure as hell destroy it in one.

SIT STILL RIGHT NOW. If you respond to your W in ANY way - and I'm not convinced you SHOULD until you've regained your center - then respond the way Starsky pitched. No more. No less.

I know you won't understand it when I say this to you, but I'm actually glad your sitch has hit this point. It's better than the limbo you've been in. Your W just fired a shot, and it gives you an opportunity to truly rise and shine. You can handle this like you did the other day (getting sucked into a R talk and falling for W's bullsh!t, hook, line and sinker, which gave/gives her MORE power). Or you can learn from your mistake - which you assured us you did a day or two ago - and kick back and let W twist in the wind while you stay true to your course.

W asked you to handle things like a man. So handle them like a man. Respond the way Starsky proposed, or don't respond at all.

Let her throw her little temper tantrum. Don't anguish over it. Instead, transfer that anguish back on the person who DESERVES it: her.

Let.her.spew. And let her CHOKE on it. Period.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
I think at the very least - do nothing - and at the very most, send what Starsky suggests:

"I'm sorry you feel that way. Everything I've done, I've done to try to save our marriage. I stand by my actions."

Become a man of few words, GAL, and let your W and OM live with what just happened.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard