Last nigh was the kids' birthday party with the family. Xh's absence was a huge void in my heart. It was something we have done every year for 18 years with family (minus two now with xh). And, we always worked so well together on that day. And, there was always such a strong connection between us on that day. Being surrounded by family, celebrating both of our children, in our home. It was always one of my favorite days. His absence was very evident, and it was like I would look expect him to be there, and turn around and remember he wasn't.
But, we made it through. We still had a nice time. My family is made up of a bunch of jokesters.
It weighed heavily on my heart this morning. But, I am finding that all the rest, I seemed to have let go. I am now mourning the loss of my husband. He is gone and I miss him.
Mighty - it is these events that my xh now misses and wants back!!
But the good thing (for us) is that we get together and have a great time without him. To the extent that the children don't really want him back at these things: they say 'too awkward after all of this time' 'weird'. It is a sad mess.
You will be fine. Your xh not so much. I have said this before, I know.
Bea is right...you will be fine in time. It's one step at a time, one day at a time. As for your xh, he's not a happy camper and will regret all that he has done when he begins to wake up and realizes all that he's missed out on and continues to miss out on. However, he is the one that has to find a way to repair the relationship w/his children. Is he strong enough to do that? Time will tell.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Im sorry it made you sad not to have your xh there for your daughter's birthday. If I am honest, it still makes me a bit sad at holidays and other milestones for my son.
I know it isnt what you want for your family, M, but its what you got unfortunately.
So, my son and I make new memories and new traditions. It is different. But different doesnt have to mean bad.
In time, the pain will no longer be searing. It will become just a dull ache that you feel from time to time.
That is part of the process. Remember that you set the tone for your kids. If they see that you are ok, they will be, too.
So, feel it, then when you are ready, let it wash over you.
Life is constantly fluid. It changes, and so must we.
The thing is that though it doesnt feel like it, you have a lot of power here.
You get to control who you become, how you act, what you learn. You get to figure out your life's purpose.
Mighty,,this was the 1st year without your XH there, so it was hard to be expected.
Maybe for a next family event that XH usually attended, try to mentally prepare in advance, find other ways to celebrate or add to the event to make up for him not being there.
Like VDAY was hard for me, so I gave myself all types of rewards, it was still hard but not as hard as it would have been had I not had a plan.
My bday next month, Im planning something every single weekend, to keep myself GAL and to make sure I dont feel like "oh is me" if H does not plan anything for my bday (which Im not expecting)
So try that for the next holiday, or family event.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
OK, successful day. It kind of feels like DAY 1 of my new life or something.
I am not sure how to explain it, or what my exact feelings are. But I think for a long time, I was really scared to truly let go of xh. I mean, really. I had accepted his situation in the summer the best I could. He was in a different life. But, I couldn't help but think he got so caught up and felt trapped and didn't want that life. And, he did admit that. However, now, he is making a choice. And, so I can say- well- he didn't do it bc he was trapped. He is making a conscious decision (as conscious as he thinks) to be there.
OK, so now, I am letting go. I have been doing a little more reading on this subject, and see that there is hope for me. (I know, you have all told me) And I'm also realizing that maybe things weren't as rosy as I made them out to be. Not that it was bad, by any means. In fact, I did love my marriage and life. But I now have the opportunity to fix myself, focus on myself, and reassess every tiny aspect of my life. And do exactly as uR stated above.
I feel better. I care less about xh's sitch. You know, at the beginning of the week, I kept getting those little lame texts from xh. It was to keep me spinning. It's a control tactic on his part. If he really cared how I was doing or anything, he could get off his arse and come find out. Not send some pathetic little text. But, there is really no sincerity... only selfishness.
Clarity!
And since Wednesday, D14's bday, and I told him to make his own plans, he is really throwing a tantrum. I have heard nothing and he has not even been around bil at all. Not that I've seen, but I really haven't paid much attention. I can see... a real tantrum. Like, I will show you. I think it is so lame. I think it is so pathetic. It does not bother me. But, how happy can they be living like that?
I had a good day. There was a basketball tournament at the school. (All of the games were super close and a couple went into overtime.) My niece has been here since yesterday and is staying until tomorrow. After d14 game, her team went to lunch. My niece and I went. The kids had a great time. (I had a nice convo with her coach...who mentioned he knew hww... from a couple yrs ago when she was in high school... BARF! He said, "What's your husband doing messin' with that young girl?" I said, "What's he doing messin' with ANY girl?!") But we just laughed it off...
Picked up s17 and his friend and we all went to the games tonight. It went into overtime. D14 had to video tape it with my niece. S17 was with his friends, and I was volunteering there. Even though we were in different locations, I thought about how nice it was to all be there together, doing our thing, but to know each other were there. And how xh is missing out... and pouting over there. Happy times, bud... enjoy it. I know we are!
Kids are home now hanging with their friends. I do wish I had someone here with me, but it feels good to just get out and be around people again. I've been hibernating a little bit. Or... a lot a bit.
We go back tomorrow for more games, and I am looking forward to it.
Oh, and thank you bea, job, uR, and 2B. It was really nice to check in today and see your posts. As much as it is a good day, I do still feel pretty lonely. It helped hearing from you!
But, there is really no sincerity... only selfishness.
Hang on to that thought! Never sure the extent to which MLCers make choices - they seem like choices to us, but in some strange way they are on a self destructive path. Sounds like letting them off the hook, but when you seem the same patterns over and over again, in such different people, you have to wonder if it is a bit like holding a bi-polar person accountable. But the MLCer goes around breaking everything in sight, and trampling on other people's feelings.
Mighty, I have followed your situation for months and just want to say that you are an inspiration. It's great hearing you feel strong again. You have been dealt a crummy hand, and you are truly making the best of things. Letting go of him is the best thing you can hope for, and great things are in store for you. I can't imagine having that circus going on so close -- of course that is going to make the whole process more difficult. Stay strong!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks bea. It is quite confusing so see them continue patterns which are sources of hurt or furthere destruction. It's almost like if my xh is trying to get it right to make all of this worth it or something.
Ahoy- wow, nice to hear from you. I see myself far from an inspiration... More like a disaster and hot mess. But thanks.
I am currently at the bball tourney. Xh just walked in and sat in the same section of bleachers in front of me. I can't help but get this panick stricken feeling or something like that when I see him. I really wish I didn't have to see him.
Ugh... And he is texting away. This game is almost over. I am going to move to the other end of the gym.
Ha! Secured a place right next to gym dividers. Totally out if sight! He can't see me, nor me him! Feel a little better. But still pretty shaky and panicky.
How could someone have that much control over ones emotions by simply being in their proximity?
We actually talked about him obsessively texting her from kids events. He stopped. And I think he was doing it today on purpose. His actions right now seem vindictive and calculated- in a reactive sort of way.
Just like after no response from me this week and me not falling for d14 bday as an excuse to be baited by him- he hasn't left hww's since that day. I mean, like really. It just seems so intentional.
I know I'm bringing it up and I shouldn't. I am focused on me. But it is just so evident that he has soooooo much to figure out.
My dad ran into xh uncle today. This uncle is the only person in xh's dad's side that xh has any type of respect for or anything. The most balanced individual in that family.
This uncle asked my dad if xh and I were back together. My dad said no. His uncle said they don't know what happened to him and that he is crazy. And told my dad how hard it was for him when his wife left him for om.
He's acting out like a child trying to get back at his mother. If there were seats elsewhere there and he didn't take one of them, it was because he wanted a reaction from you. He wanted you to say something to him. You didn't give him that satisfaction and I'm glad you moved. I really could throttle him for his behavior.
You are doing great. Don't let him see you sweat. Treat him just as you would a child lying on the floor stomping his feet because he can't get his way. Ignore him! He'll get over that little tantrum when he sees you aren't reacting.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job, you and me both could give 'em a good throttling! And thanks, job, your post helped me through the game. I just remembered that it was a childish tantrum trying to get attention. Not gon' do it!
I can tell that dealings with him are going to be something I really have to prepare myself for.
Right now, my life is like a minute-to-minute basis. I can't handle anything more. It sounds ridiculous. But, honestly, I have to do this right. I don't want to make rash decisions, skip anything, and make sure I can really be strong.
I am starting to work more on wisdom vs emotion right now. But, the emotion is still there. I am home now, between games. But, my heart is still fluttering, I am still shaky, and even my legs feel jittery. Why the heck is that? Why do I feel this so strongly in every part of my body?
Xh stayed and took d14 to get a treat after the game. I couldn't believe that I walked out to my car in the HUGE parking lot, and xh parked right behind me. Like 2 feet from my car. Seriously?
Then he dropped d14 off and headed right back to hww's. That's ok. I'd rather have him farther away. But I just feel like he is so messed up in his head. More than ever. Does that happen? When they go back in the tunnel, do they become even more mixed up? I do think he worked on some things, and I do see some changes. The the verbal aggressiveness has seemed to tapered off. He would even get angry before mlc. It was his go to emotion. But, he doesn't show it the same. In fact, I haven't seen it from him since like July. But, now he is doing it a little differently, I suppose.
Oh well. Someone else's problem now. Especially his own. Heading back over to games in a little bit. I am actually enjoying myself there. Varsity plays tonight. D14's team won her division.
Gonna try to cool my jets. Settle my nerves. I don't think I have to deal with xh for a little while. He is supposed to take the kids tomorrow. Basketball is now over, so it will be awhile before I have to see him at another sporting event.
And, I think he has moved back in with hww. So, I won't have to worry about him being next door.
One minute at a time. I think I am pretty set for the rest of tonight. That's a relief.
Hey sweetie. You keep giving him all this power. He has done the worst to you and you have lived through it. He cant hurt you unless you allow it. Dont.
And yes, it often is worse when they jump back in the tunnel. He is a mess, Mighty.
He wanted it all. He isnt liking that he cant have it. Too bad for him.
You gotta get angry a bit here. You have to set your shoulders when you see him. Walk with confidence because you didnt do a thing wrong. You have no reason to hide.
I remember when I was going through this. I would prepare myself when I would see him. I would picture it all in my head. How I would act. It helped.
And when I would see him, I exuded confidence, even when I didnt always feel it. Because there was no way he was going to take one more thing from me. No freakin way.
He made his choice for now, Mighty. That is a house of cards. But that isnt your problem. He made the mess, now he has to live with it.
He isnt worthy of you. Dont give him any control. None. Take it back. Fake it til you make it.
What you felt might have been anxiety attack... I use to kinda feel like that right after BD.
Settle your mind adopt a I dont give a F attitude
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Thanks uR. He is a mess. I know he makes me feel a jittery and messed up inside, but I feel mentally stronger. His actions don't bother me so much. It is just this panicky stuff when I are him.
You are right; I need to be confident. Right now, I just want to steer clear. I guess bc I do get so jittery.
I can do this. I'm not sweating them anymore. I don't want that mess. I know that for sure. I feel better having checked out.
Yes, h makes me jittery and sometimes I get that jittery out of the blue and then I see h. I don't know why that is?
I know I'm moving on, but as yet I'm not sure in what form. I cannot decide who or what I want. It seems like I have a few to choose from. About 4, but I'm soooooo unsure I just stall.
The advice just breathe works really well. Yesterday at the party I though I would hurl, but I went off somewhere quiet and it went quickly when I focused on my rock.
Picturing a grey calm rock helps lots of things. Talking to him, sitting near him, picture him as a dull grey uninteresting rock. I tend to focus on what someone else called yoga breathing, I cannot see the bad or good, I just try to be in the breath. Where nothing else counts and your mind goes blank.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Hey 2B... No only do I not want him to see me sweat, I don't want him to see me!
G- sounds like a form of meditation. After the game yesterday, the team was taking a picture on the court. Parents were going out to snap a pic. I was bracing myself bc I had a feeling xh was going to go over there... and put him right in front of me again. So, I braced myself. And, he did. I prayed. I prayed really hard. It kept me calm. I didn't move or flinch. I just prayed. It got me through. But, I have to be prepared for when I see him.
I am still finding mornings so difficult. I don't know what the heck it is. I have got to figure out a way to make it better in the morning.
Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. And after the basketball game last night, I took d14 and 4 other girls "night sledding". It was pretty late, but they had so much fun. They were the only ones there.
I was thinking how nice it was to help these girls create these memories.
Then, morning comes. Its is the same dark, dreadful feeling every day. I remember I used to wake up every day, excited for what was to come. I loved my life, I loved my job, I was a happy camper.
I just wrote a list of things that has happened in the past 20 years. Things that xh has done to me which have been really hurtful. It may seem unfair, but if I am honest, xh has done some things over the years which are really, really mean. It wasn't often. It was sporadic. Nothing to the extent of now... but... maybe they were signs of what was to come? I never really focused on these things, bc I knew that xh had some demons inside that he was trying to fight. I gave him a pass. I knew that he had childhood wounds which affected him greatly. Overall, things were good. Like I said, I was happy with my life. But, these things were very hurtful. And things I would never, ever allow back into my life again.
I wrote them down today. It is not a tally sheet. Not to keep score, or anything like that at all. I think I have just always had a tendency to gloss over these very hurtful things. But, I remember them. I was able to come up with a list pretty easily. I never threw them in xh's face or used them against him at all. My focus was always on making things better. But, there were easily accessible to me this morning.
I guess my thinking was that if I am able to see things more clearly, factually, without excuses or emotion, maybe I can move on easier. I can call a spade a spade.
I just keep feeling, in a way, that I was really controlled... like more than I know. Maybe it is just the abandonment. I don't know. But, this internal fear I have, which I seemed so oblivious to. Maybe not. I don't know. I don't want it to seem like it was awful or scary, bc it wasn't like that. I was like, just these roles we were in. And, I never went outside of that role. I know it wouldn't be good. I know xh was insecure about a lot of things. He would never admit that before. But, I do know that it comes from childhood abandonment, verbal and physical abuse.
And it wasn't until recently that he admitted how horrible feeling insecure is. We were having a pretty honest talk about it. I was telling him how I now understood those feelings of abandonment and how I had never experienced such insecurity before. How I had never even been insecure before, but it was the worst feeling. He actually agreed and admitted it. He has never, ever admitted such a thing.
OK, so anyway. This really wasn't supposed to be about him. It is about me and how I get past this part. Seeing things that I no longer will allow in my life... I am hoping will help me let go- totally.
Right now, this is what I see: an accumulation of all of those things on the list, smacked together, to create the person he is now, with nothing else to offer. It is like that, the errors of his past, have become the only character traits he has to offer. It is now who he is, like it is a full time job and he is working overtime.
I think if I remember the hurt I felt when those things happened, and instead of giving it a pass, realizing that that is all he is right now, I think it will really keep me from trying to figure out everything.
I do think it has gotten worse. It makes me sad, but more than anything, it makes me want to stay so far away.
And the funny thing is, that he really does not get that I want him away. It is all like a game to him. All of his thoughts are so calculated.
Recently we were having a discussion about things that had happened over the summer, and that I had driven past him when he was headed to his house and I turned around and followed him. I said NO WAY! (and that never happened!) I said that, first, I couldn't even go anywhere near that house (even when he was in the apt b4 living w hww, I would take a detour so I didn't have to go past the road!) I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him and that situation. That whenever I would get a text or email or anything, I didn't want it. (I am such a bad example for db). I didn't want to communicate with him. He said, "REALLY?!" and was so surprised. I thought he knew since I stayed as far away from him as possible, I would not even look in his direction, and I NEVER contacted him about anything. I usually ignored his communication, unless necessary. And he was shocked! OMG! Now, who knows... who cares.
Grief from abandonment is very different than grief from death...there's a lot of rejection, longing for what was (real and imagined) and self-doubt...along with the grief of losing a person and dream.
Treat this recovery like you would if your ex had committed suicide. He chose to leave you and that leads to a whole gamut of feelings that take time to work through.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It does take time Mighty. It took me a long time to get over the abandonment. The first year was the worst. Facing each occasion one by one. The first Christmas after we split up my kids were coming for dinner so they came in the afternoon. It was the first Christmas morning I woke up alone in over ten years. The only thing that helps is time. Time to heal, time to change so the memory of the last holiday is not one with your ex.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Yes time is the only thing to take away the stench. I mean we all do lots of things to cope but time helps quell that heart wrenching grief into a more manageable sort of melancholy.
It is totally normal to feel salt in those fresh wounds.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Time is on my side! The good thing about lbs... We are able to use the time starting at the bottom and work up. Poor mlcer a have an entire tunnel to dig through befor they can start to climb up.
I am doing much better. Think I'm re hitting some anger stage. My stages are a little different this time around. However, it's like a pinball machine inside me, and every time the ball hits, I feel a different emotion. Yet, overall- much better.
All the details and nonsense don't consume me. I just don't care anymore. It's like I just dropped it all, like dead weight.
Observation... Haven't had much contact w xh. Since I made it clear I am not engaging in petty or unnecessary communication, I think he is having a hard time coming up with anything to communicate about. Or- he doesn't want to. I don't know, but either way, I prefer nothing.
He stayed at bil last night. I got a text from him ranting about something with s17. Something he is complaining about... Which if here were at the house I would engage in a discussion, but it is pointless. He sees the kids for "fun" things when he wants. He has no "home" to take them to. No real impact on child rearing other than "having a talk" then dropping them off.
I didn't see the text for a few hours, as it was charging in my room. The kids and I spent the afternoon & evening together and I wasn't going to be distracted. I read it at like 2:30 this morning. I did not respond. It's not necessary.
This morning I was running late. Xh was in the driveway waiting for s17 as he takes him to school. When I was going to my car, I actually waved. He yelled out if s17 was up. I say yes and that he has to move bc I was leaving. He yelled out again, this time agitated, if s17 was up. I said, yes, and that I answered him, and to pls move.
He did and that was that. But for someone restarting a fancy r, you'd think he'd be a little happier.
Oh well, not my gig. I've got me on my mind.
Oh... S17 is officially s18 today! Yikes! That one is hitting me!!! I can't believe it.
Happy Birthday to S18! My son turned 27 this month… This was something for me to reflect on, LOL.
Looks like you xh has started the second round of house of cards. It is like, there was a new R with hww, all wonderful and exciting, and then it went down… Not new anymore… Then there was a new baby, all wonderful and exciting… You see where I’m going…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hey Bright! Yeah, I see where you are going. I do think he has a while yet before all that shine starts to dull again. But he is definitely all over the map.
So, s17 has been testing me a little since xh has burrowed himself back into the tunnel. S17, ahem, s18's recovery time is much quicker to get him to come around, but he is exhibiting definite anger. D14 has taken this second round much harder than the first. I think they are used to xh not being around, but there is some stuff happening inside for sure... it's all starting to seep out.
Anyway, s17 was texting me today and trying to see how far he could push me. I drew a line and stepped out of the conversation. He was definitely trying to cross it. I just became so overwhelmed and frustrated. Here I had xh all down my throat yesterday via text. I knew if I didn't let him know what was up w s18, he'd throw it in my face. However, I did not feel that it would even be helpful. I could really USE his help, but not this nonsense of a "discussion" then disappearing. I am just so frustrated by it all. And he walked out again, and now I'm picking up more pieces.
I was really ticked about it and not sure what to do. But, I composed myself, took my personal emotions out of it, and called him and calmly told him what was going on.
As I was about to hang up, xh started pushing the conversation more.... "Well, is that it?" and things like that. I was like, what do you mean? About what? He said, I don't now, s18.
I said, No, but honestly, I thought the conversation was counterproductive. That I was frustrated bc I didn't think that it was helpful to even talk to him about it, and that I only had to deal with him too. That he can have a 5 minute discussion with them, and drop them off, but I am the one who is there 24/7, making the decisions and doing the hard part every day. That he came riding in on a horse to save the day and then bailed again, leaving me to pick up the pieces, again. That he f'ed the kids up even more, and now d14 is really taking it hard this time. He was going to focus on the kids, but it is pretty difficult when he is in bed with a __________.
OK, so... I did not intend to say any of that. And, I'm not exactly sure what I said... but something along those lines. He didn't say a word, just let out a sigh of frustration. I know it wasn't right... but I don't even care. And he wanted to hear more. Maybe its what he wanted from me. Maybe I fell right into his trap. I don't care. It's not about me. I am so pi$$ed about what he did to my kids. That he kept saying it was about them... but he only had THEM on his mind. Sunday was the first thing he has done with them, really in a month, and the time a month ago, was bc I arranged it. It was a few weeks before that. Really, since the baby came, my kids have been an after thought. Ugh. I am so over it.
Anyway, xh did stop here tonight and s18 went to his truck. Xh gave him a present. Then, s18 said he was going to go to bil with the ps4 to play Madden with his dad. I am glad about that.
Maybe he heard what I said? Who knows. But, whatever. I just don't want my kids to feel abandoned or like leftovers.
I am so tired. I only slept an hour last night. It is going to be an early one tonight! (I hope)
I guess 45 min w s18 is better than none. Just like a teenage brain... Who wants to hang w family when your girlfriend is waiting for you? C'mon, xh.... Silly rabbit. Tricks are for kids!
Feeling pretty pi$$ed off. Nothing in particular triggered it. But it is increasing with time. Not exactly sure what to do with it. I don't know what good the anger does, sit it festers.
Part of that is me. I am supposed to be growing and finding myself. But I feel like I am losing myself. The best parts of me has vanished. That ticks me off! I'm fun, energetic, and funny (at least I crack myself up). But those qualities seem to be gone! I'm aggravated by that, but I don't think I have anyone to blame but myself for that part.
I'm just mad. Really mad. I know there are "outlets" but I don't think it's gonna work. How long will I feel like this? It's all inside. It's not like I'm acting like a rageing lunatic, that's all festering inside... Lucky me. I'm just more- there. Physically. Non- emotional, I suppose. What happened to me that I feel so.... Gone?
What a stinkin pity party. I don't want that. Not at all... Which is why I tend to stay to myself. It stresses me out to be around people sometimes. Partly bc I'm embarrassed of who I've become.
I want to be better, but I just don't know how. I'm even sick of the same old song. I don't want people to worry, and id rather be left alone.
Then I realize how lonely I actually am. I have always been such a people person. LAst night I realized that after work, the only people I talked to were my kids. I went to bed feeling pretty sad about that. It's like I'm waiting for life to happen. But I am conscientious that life will happen, but what happens to me is up to me! Thats a lot of pressure.
Whatever. Life is hard. I get it. I am trying to make good decisions, be a good person, have faith, and find my way. Maybe I'm not doing enough of the hard stuff. Maybe I am really missing something... Something I am avoiding?
It's like I am spinning my tires. It has been a year and a half since the initial bd, and I don't feel like I have gotten anywhere. I have done things, but, that's where my spinning tires come into play. I haven't moved.
Ok. This is just embarrassing at this point. I've really got to figure this out. What I am doing wrong.
Mighty, You have every right to be angry. Your xh dropped the bomb a year ago, had an ow, she got pregnant, he's living next door, he attempts to reconcile (so to speak) and now the baby is his and he's as confused as a twirling top that can't stand up straight. He's upset your apple cart, not once, but twice and now you are attempting to find your footing again. Heck yes, you should be angry about how things have gone down...but this is also part of the grieving process and it does take time. I have been sitting here waiting for that angry to appear and you need to get it all out there so that you can feel better. You will notice that this anger will spur you on in the days ahead. Feel that anger and then let it go. Each time you have this happen, you'll move a little bit further on down the road.
Right now, you are finally grieving for the old marriage and yes, what could have been. It all takes time. Be gentle w/yourself and take each day as it comes. No one is expecting you to be happy all of the time and you shouldn't expect yourself to be that way either.
If you want to talk or have someone to email with, Heather has my email address and home number. I would be happy to chat w/you and maybe help you release some of that anger. It's up to you.
Please be gentle w/yourself. You are not a super human and yes, you do have feelings and have been hurt very badly.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much. Your post really means a lot to me. I just cant seem to snap out of this. And it is really starting to take a toll. I mean, I think I am getting better, then I don't know what happens to me.
A lot of things are really frustrating me. Including him with his superficial parenting. Acts like he is taking care of everything. (For example, apparently he called the school today bc the bus has been late p/u kids at d14 bus stop. It is freezing out. I didn't even know anything about it. I heard her on the phone with him. He sees her at the bus stop when he takes s18 to school.) Anyway, I'm not at all upset that he called, its just that makes him feel like dad of the year.
Then w/ s18 yesterday, and xh letting him do things after I built up the stamina to call xh and let him know what was going on. He said he would take care of it and let s18 do what I said he couldn't do bc of the disrespect s18 had shown me. That ticks me off. I was so mad about it, I couldn't even talk about it. He swoops in here and there to take them to the movies, let them do what they want, guilt crap... blah, blah, blah....
At least I get my kids. We do have fun together. It has just been a trying time. But, I do think that the three of us do recognize our good times together- and appreciate them.
OK, man did I digress...
So, job, thank you very much. You have been steadfast with your support, compassion, and wisdom. It is very appreciative.
I don't know if being weepy is part of the anger or not, but I feel that too! That's not so normal for me.
I do feel a little better. I am glad to not really have contact. Sometimes it can be difficult, and I would subconsciously question it. Now I think, that if I still allowed him to come around and talk to me... things wouldn't be any different. He would be taking advantage of me. Using things at the house, "acting" friendly, but still spend the night there. No thanks.
As I was leaving for work this morning... trudging through the snow to get to my car. Xh had just arrived at bil to get ready for work (blah). I was thinking about how little responsibility he has. I mean, I know he is "dealing" with a lot. And I am sure hww has him getting up with the baby through the night (I notice he stays there all the time since hww is back at work), and.... lemme count the times xh got up with both of my kids.... um... hold on... give me a sec.... umm.. oh. Easy. None.
See how easily I digress! OK, so... Mr. Responsibility. I mean.. really, he grabs food wherever it is available. He does not have to shovel or do any of that kind of house work, he just kind of exists. You know.. .the two mortgage guy, with no permanent home. Well.. I am just glad that I am no longer allowing him to take advantage of me. Nope. I made his lunches for him every day last year, even after he moved out (bc he came to the house to p/u s18). I realized after, I was still making them for him around the time hww got pregnant. AND! I was doing it for awhile when he moved into bil!
During a conversation once, I asked him if hww made his lunches for him. He said no. He told me that she didn't make a lunch bc, "She would never eat that stuff." He would make his own and she would eat out every day. (Yes, and he "financially f-ed her" Honestly, she is set financially. Her x gives her more than enough to cover their mortgage, her mom babysits for free, she gets support from xh, and she has a decent paying job. But, she is constantly harassing both of them for more $) Oh well...none of that bothers me. Just a fun fact for the day.
I have to make a few more arrangements for the vaca next month. I will work on that this week or weekend. I plan on taking the cupboards down in the kitchen this weekend, too. The roof is actually starting to leak in the "finished" yet soon to be "gutted" part of the kitchen. I mean... like all over. It isn't even an old roof. It's fairly new. OMG. It's just humorous at this point... right?????
Oh man, I feel like I am all over the place tonight.
You are so strong! Job is 100% as usual. Take care of you. Sending you a hug:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Mighty - I cannot believe that you made your XH's frigging lunches last year. Wow. I would have put rat poison in them.
Now, they do have to try and play dad of the year, because deep down they know they are not.
And two mortgages and no home? Oh that sounds like a good idea.
Please Mighty, disengage. As Job has posted - they sacked us as wives. Don't hang around and sweep up after him. He is conflicted. He is selfish and self centred right now. He has done a stupid thing and fathered a child with a young woman who can't keep her knickers on. He even doubted the paternity. How would you have felt if your xh had asked you for a paternity test. I would have been so outraged that I would have changed the locks! (After assaulting him in a painful place) OK the assault is fantasy, but the locks would have been changed.
What a piece of work they both are. Be glad you are not legally tied to him.
Fwiw I think your xh will work through this, but you need to step right away and let him and his gf get on with it, while you smile sweetly and enjoy the show. It is all smoke and mirrors, not the real thing.
Drop the rope as much as you can. You are one strong woman.
Might. Did you think it would be easy sailing to remove him from your life? Takes a lot of work. The kind of work you've put into other areas of your life over time. Persistent, sometimes back-breaking, laborious...work to one thing at a time remove them from your life. It starts slow and picks up speed.
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See how easily I digress! OK, so... Mr. Responsibility. I mean.. really, he grabs food wherever it is available. He does not have to shovel or do any of that kind of house work, he just kind of exists. You know.. .the two mortgage guy, with no permanent home. Well.. I am just glad that I am no longer allowing him to take advantage of me. Nope. I made his lunches for him every day last year, even after he moved out (bc he came to the house to p/u s18). I realized after, I was still making them for him around the time hww got pregnant. AND! I was doing it for awhile when he moved into bil!
So if I may, perhaps your way of showing love is to action things for others? i.e. your way of showing you cared, was to make his lunch or maybe mail some letters for him or wash a shirt?
I think that's very sweet and commendable, Mighty. But since he asked you to not do that, I suggest you'll have to consciously stop that on all fronts with him. What he also may have done or be doing is regretting that things are this way and misses you doing those little things for him. Or anyone doing those little things for him.
But he did ask for things to be this way. You do need to respect that. And you do need to remove him from your immediate life. It's making you a little mental, right?
I think you've also learned enough to know that he can't be counted on to parent the kids. The man who was previously a father to the kids is absent. Gone missing. Can't be counted on. Time for mom to step up and do what needs to be done without expectation of him doing anything even slightly helpful.
Look, it s*cks. It wasn't what you asked for. It wasn't what you deserved. But it happened. You tried all you could and let's face it, he f'd up and made some poor choices (for reasons we'll never know).
Now its time to gather yourself together, say goodbye to the old life and man you knew, and get back on the trail. Somewhere in this world, there's a person that's missing out on you and all you have to offer as a partner (in crime).
Elephants are best eaten in pieces. Focus on dealing with one issue at a time, Mighty. Pick one thing that is bothering you, and exclude the rest until you've dealt with it and can put it to rest.
And remember that strength isn't like what you see in the movies. It's not about putting on a brave face and saying the right quip or smart thing when faced with something. That's more about grace and dignity. Strength is doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done because you are in that situation. Strength is about getting back up after falling, as many times as it takes. Strength is about seeing beyond the immediate and moving toward that future.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Im wishing and praying for you to have positive days going forward.
Never let him see ya sweat. Our new motto
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Hey 2B- thanks. Loved the shout out this morning. And, yup... love that that we are going to strut it out together... no sweat!
bea- Thank you, thank you! Your words are so encouraging and helpful! They give me strength. I hope you are doing well.
AJ! Well.... he didn't ask me to stop. In fact, I guarantee that he would be still taking them today if I had them ready for him! He totally takes advantage. Although, that behavior from him... is helping me move on! Realizing what kind of person can do that kind of stuff. I am tired of being taken advantage of. But the elephant analogy... hmmmm... gave me something specific to think of this morning. You are so right! I need to take one thing on at a time. Face that challenge and get rid of it. I am ready to do this. I am ready to move on.
So, the anger continues today. But it's not like bitter anger. More like F you! I don't need that in my life! I'm moving on to better things.
I just want to smack myself! What have I been doing?! I don't know if this is the "stage" I am in, but I feel like I want him out of my life. For good. That I would be fine if I don't see him again. It sounds harsh, but that guy... who he is now... has nothing positive to offer me in my life. And I want nothing to do with it.
I really, really, really, really hope that this.... this anger... frustration... fed-up-ness... is what it takes to truly get me going. To catapult me into a new beginning. To start over.
I am ready to take my journey. Like... the good one. The one that doesn't consist of weeding my way out of his disaster. The one where it is all about me. Yeah, I know there will be setbacks and struggles, but I want them to be about me and my life... not a consequence or affect or anything about his.
Untangle. Emotionally. I am thinking of this stranger. The person who looks familiar... yet, looks so different. I knew a guy who resembled his appearance. But this... I don't know this guy. How could I be so emotionally attached and bothered by this person I don't know? This person who cares nothing about my well-being, and actually takes action which have been to my detriment.
No way, buddy. No more. You cannot control me. You cannot control my emotions. You cannot control my happiness. You cannot control my parenting. You have no say in my life. Nothing. Your actions, decision, and words no longer impact my life.
I have set you free; therefore, I have set myself free.
Mighty- I love me some Mrs. Doubtfire and a glass of Malbec. We just watched Dead's Poet Society the other night. It was haunting but yet so beautiful too.
Carpe Diem my friend.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I can't stand dealing with this person. It makes me so mad. It is only a reminder of what he has done and who he has become. I wish I didn't have to. I cut my losses big time last year so j wouldn't have to, but stuff keeps coming up.
I was told that even w divorce papers, I will not qualify for the tax reduction. It is a significant amount and every homeowner get it applied to their home in nys. But ding-dong is applying to his house w HWW. I'm screwed. After dealing w the city for a week and a half, I finally texted xh and told him that the only way to qualify is to change the deed. He said no bc he won't be attached to a mortgage w "no ties" to the house. I'm like duh that's me! On mortgage- not deed. I'm like this is my home with the kids. What do you think I am going to do? He is unbelievable and I am tired of dealing with the consequences of his selfish choices. Every time I turn around. I revised every text bc I did not want it to be about anything else and w/o emotion. But... I did say, "you are a real stand up guy. She is so lucky."
After he was still deflecting the real issue, I just said that since it's in I is name, I will just send him the bill.
He said, "don't be an @ss. Fill out the forms and I will sign." Ok, he has the forms, which I had to purchase over the summer & mailed to him. But fingers crossed he will sign. But "@ss" it's like... Hello pot, meet kettle.
I was shaking during the whole thing. My heart races. It is just unbelievable who this person has become. Ick. Go away.
And I would get him off the mortgage but the banks won't give out a loan with the disaster he left! He has totally left me crippled with some of this stuff.
And when he was at the house 2 months ago he was all upset. I asked what was wrong. He said he couldn't believe what he left me to deal with. That he felt so bad about how he left me with such a disaster.
How did the divorce degree leave ownership of the house? In mine wife has to sign deed over to me even though she will be on the mortgage for several more years. I hope this was addressed in some way.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Actually you are doing him a favor. Even after D, if the deed has his name on it, he is responsible for paying the taxes, no matter where he lives! You have every right to send him the bill and he pay for half! He is the one who is being an "@ss". If he's going to play house with a girl old enough to be his D and D his W, he needs to know how the process works!
Don't let it get to you Mighty, people like him always think that they are getting screwed....he knows he screwed you so he expects it in return!
Hey LT. In the settlement, I have to refinance the mortgage into my name only and xh has to sign the deed over to me. But, he said he wont sign it over until the mortgage is out of his name. Which cannot be done until the renovations are complete. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. But, he said today he would sign the paper, so we will see. I know the issue of paying for it will come up. Initially he even said he would help pay the closing cost of refinancing the mortgage... well... we know how that will work out. It wont.
Hey Matt! I've missed you, buddy! I've been thinking about you and hope you are well. How's the new job?
You are right, Matt. He does always think he is getting screwed and is always looking to screw someone over before they can do it to him. I have not done one thing- at all- this whole time that is vindictive, out of spite, in anger, or anything like that. In fact, there are things he still owes me which I haven't made a big deal of. Actually- haven't made any deal of.
Yet, he cries poor about everything. Even though everything was his choice. And is so angry when it comes to monetary things. That is the only thing that still gets him fired up. It was the reason for his monstering- all through the settlement (and would call the next day and apologize.)
Whew. I am so glad that I have been calm and steady through that. I know that I have not been greedy or selfish in any way shape or form. (HWW on the other hand was ALL about that. In fact, it was after she found out she would get less from xh bc my kids are considered "primary" and her percentage comes after that, that I believe she started trying to reel him back in. Prior to that, she was separating everything.) Oh well, as far as I'm concerned- they are each others problem.
I just want everything settled on my end once and for all- then peace out!
And I have got to find a way to not let those interactions get me fired up.
Was it stated in the agreement that when he signed it over was conditional to when you get it refinanced? Was it the courts understanding that the house is not complete and cannot be financed until all inspections are passed? I am in the same boat as you in terms of an house that is not finished. My wife still has to sign it over regardless of when I get it refinanced. If she does not then the lawyers will be involved. You may have to talk to your lawyer to see if some pressure can be placed on him to sign the deed over. If he goes to court I am sure the judge will tell him to sign it and stop taking up the courts time.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I don't think my papers specify, LT. He said he'd do it. I will give it a (short) amount of time. He does not want me to call my lawyer. If it gets to that point, I am going for everything he agreed to.... post dated.
He will avoid that. I'm sure.
Minor Mighty set-back. Stupid little thing sent me spinning for a min tonight. I'm ok now, but I don't know why stupid things bother me.
First, I had a small electrical fire. I was doing some things in the kitchen. Taking apart some cupboards and trying to remove a long heavy tiled counter. I moved the stove and bumped it into the exposed wires. It's the heavy duty plug (that the extent of my electrical-technical jargon). Well it sent up a HUGE flame, made a loud noise, blew out some lights in the house. There were a couple smaller flames, smoke, and a bad smell. I screamed and watched the smaller flames to make sure they were going out. D14 came running down (her lights upstairs blew) and before I knew it, she was on the phone with xh. I was like..... uuuuuuuuuuuugh. We are fine!!!!!
Xh told her to call if we needed anything or something. Then, a little bit later, d14 told me she tried calling her dad again and he didn't answer (I guess to see if he'd take her to the store??). She texted him that it was an emergency, so he called back. Gave her some bs about how he didn't have his phone, but was in his car. She asked if he'd take her to the store. He said he couldn't bc he wasn't in the area. She asked where, and he said near the mall. She asked if he was in the car with someone, and he got really quite and whispered, yes. She said, "EWW" and hung up (it was on the car's bluetooth).
OK. I don't know why this bothered me so much. I had no idea that it was even happening. I was busy taking apart an extremely heavy counter! But, when she told me, I could tell she was bothered. And it really bothered me too. This stupid couple... please.
But I know this... First, I have what is important. My amazing kids. And, that shallow "couple" has nothing really worth value to give each other. Nothing that is worth any effort. I know he does not really laugh with her. I know that they have a superficial relationship and they both get off on material things. Sound like a fun night? Boring shopping? No. At least xh and I would laugh and have fun. She's not funny. She is too into herself. So is he. So I am not going to let it bother me. I am sure she was all bent out of shape about d14. Just like she cried and became a victim of s18. Even after she said "They will be fine." With what they were doing. Really? How'd that work out? And since they aren't she talks crap like there is something wrong with my kids and she is a victim. She has xh console her from my kids. Ha! Have fun, buddy! He is going to save her from the world!
OK. I've gotten it out, and I am leaving it here.
D14 is having some friends over. We had fun setting up her room with some special lighting! (We hung strings of lights in her dormers)
I've had a group of guys offer to come an help with the kitchen. And one of my friends who offered has rallied a couple of his friends, one of them is an electrician. Oh man, I hope this comes through. I am going to try to get as much ready as I can to get the ball rolling.
I got some done tonight, but I did get distracted. Damn you, Forrest! You know, I think once my kitchen is done, it will be such a relief. Then I can finalize all the paper crap w xh. I can decide to stay or go. I can have people over and do more things, and not be stressed by this crap.
OK, so a step in the right direction. And acknowledgement that although I am alone tonight. And xh is off shopping with his adulteress... I know that I will be happy in the long run. He must feel shameful to have to have that convo with d14. I know that it wouldn't be like that- EVER- with me. My kids want me to find someone and be happy ("A real man" says d14.) You know, that kid does not say much about it, but when she does... she makes a lot of sense. And her few words have a lot of meaning. And.... try as they may.. they will not find happiness. Me... on the other hand... I am a work in progress. I will not jump into anything that I have uneasy feelings about, that I'm not ready for, that I am ashamed of. Whew! I am coming home. I am bringing it home! I am.... dang... I cant wait to finish my home! See... my home and I are one in the same. Under construction. We will be GLORIOUS some day! Ha. I'm so dumb.
Sure he did. At the moment HWW entered the picture. You didn't hear it, it seems. But you do now and that's good enough
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And one of my friends who offered has rallied a couple of his friends, one of them is an electrician
One of the things I've been able to witness via this experience is something that I've always known. Life happens, but it seems we always find a way or are given a way, to make things better. Seems this might be yours if it comes through. Reminds of the Beatles, "I get by with a little help from my friends." Maybe without the drugs though
You are not dumb by any stretch of the imagination. Just have things to deal with that you'd prefer not to. Keep that perspective, Mighty. Look on the bright side of things - you know where things stand. You know it hurt. You know it hurts your kids. But you don't have to guess at any of it. You don't have to wonder, except as to why he will do the nutty things he'll do from time to time.
It's ok to shake your head, smile, and move along. As if you're watching a dog peeing on an electric fence for the third time (get that image out of your mind!)
If you take away the things that he has or is doing, you're left with just...life. Things you have dealt with in the past and things you'll deal with in the future. Some are repeats (electrical, remodeling, etc) and some are new. But all of them you are equipped to handle when you get your mind right.
If you look at as he is gone (he is) then you'll see that for things you used to rely on him for require new solutions. What a nice challenge, when you step back and look at it. And you are more than capable of doing whatever comes up. You have a lot of experience with trying and even failing fast at things. And you've succeeded before and will again.
Because that's who you are. We've seen it before
One thing at a time, Mighty. Be objective and take some of the emotion out of it.
Find a man? I doubt that'll be a problem when the time comes. But I suspect you have enough to do for now, without kissing frogs for a while, right?
One thing at a time, let's take the focus off of ex and that circus, and let's put it toward the things that you can control and the things you find important. Look at yesterday as what happened and not like it still is. One thing at a time...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hey girl...still being so hard on yourself, my friend. You cant rush this, nor do you want to. You dont want to skip any of the steps because each one is important.
You keep trying to understand crazy and you cant because you're not.
You know what you know about her and about him. Dont let that drive your thoughts or actions.
You be Mighty, in spite of what they do.
You are capable of great things, M. And you are more than capable to get through all of this.
I see you working so hard to do it. I see your strength and your courage.
No need to try to do it all at once, right? It's all a process. Each day building on the last.
Leave them to their foolishness. You keep working on you.
OK, so it turns out to be a really amazing night! First, I was in contact with an amazing, dear friend (sorry, Shining... calling you out.. and GB, we talked about how we enjoyed our "fun" nights!)
Then... AJ... who just makes me smile ear to ear when I read his posts. Just gets it.. and I get the point.
uR.. I have missed you so much. And you are right. As always!
Yup... I went into a small tail spin. Well.. the tail spins seem large... but are short lived these days.
I am happy. I am good. I know I will be. I have a lot of really good things going for me. For one, I have really good people in my life. Right here. It is a blessing.
And, I feel comfortable in my skin right now. Well... maybe bc I had a glass of wine.. but... at least I'm not crying in my pillow! I'm good!
You guys are great and I appreciate it. I know, uR... no more energy there... right, AJ?! I don't know why I do it. Is it twisted to know that if they are not a "real" or "happy" r, it makes me feel better? I don't even want that. I just want to know that I am good and that is all that counts. OK, I'm headed there! Thanks, you guys. Whew! You make me so much better.
Is it twisted to know that if they are not a "real" or "happy" r, it makes me feel better? I don't even want that. I just want to know that I am good and that is all that counts.
I don't get the sense that you want them to be unhappy in an unkind way. What MLC causes many of us to do is to doubt everything about ourselves. MLC behaviour is emotionally abusive because it belittles, trivialises and puts down the person who until that time had been the centre of the MLCer's life
It is cruel: all abandonment is cruel because it strikes at the heart of our security and sense of self.
How could a person who does that and a person who encourages it form a healthy and happy relationship?
I believe that woven into our mental DNA is a sense of story, a sense of justice, and a sense of the rightness of things triumphing.
It isn't naive, or childish - it is human
We can talk all we wish about owning our own feelings, workng on ourselves, letting go, and so on. Great mental disciplne, and it does help us. I am not disagreeing with this, about the need to own our own feelings. But it doesn't help our inner story in the short term. That is what we have to gradually reshape - and initially a triumphant self needs to triumph over the villain.
When we no longer define them as the villain, but as sad and damging people who damage others, we have reshaped it.
I am so glad that these good people stepped up to the plate for you both in the real and virtual world. You deserve this.
Recently my xh said how glad he was that there had been good people in my life!! No sh*t
Mighty, I am not sure why you have exposed wiring. The big plug is because it is two hundred and twenty volts. You are very lucky it did not weld itself together and really set the house on fire. I hope you have turned the breaker off to the stove if there is exposed wiring. This needs to be corrected and I would suggest you get and electrician in to repair it or move it if you are moving the stove location in your remodel.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
You and Shining had fun without me? How dare you??? This goes in your permanent record. It follows you every where us know:-)
You've received wonderful advice from everyone. Bea, your post is 100% honest and spot on. You captured the way I feel and cannot articulate so eloquently. Listen, I'm far from perfect and I am working on things that I hope help me moving forward. It is difficult not to allow this grenade to define your worth at times. It's a process- an arduous yet somehow freeing process (if that makes sense).
You know Mighty... Sometimes I read threads and I think "Wtf???? Did that really happen?" And I know it did. You display such strength, humor and humility in an incredibly daunting situation. You are doing well. You will get even better.
I'll be in Disney in April so have fun next month. You deserve a wonderful time with your peeps:). Hugs!!!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I don't get the sense that you want them to be unhappy in an unkind way. What MLC causes many of us to do is to doubt everything about ourselves. MLC behaviour is emotionally abusive because it belittles, trivialises and puts down the person who until that time had been the centre of the MLCer's life
It is cruel: all abandonment is cruel because it strikes at the heart of our security and sense of self.
How could a person who does that and a person who encourages it form a healthy and happy relationship?
I believe that woven into our mental DNA is a sense of story, a sense of justice, and a sense of the rightness of things triumphing.
It isn't naive, or childish - it is human
We can talk all we wish about owning our own feelings, workng on ourselves, letting go, and so on. Great mental disciplne, and it does help us. I am not disagreeing with this, about the need to own our own feelings. But it doesn't help our inner story in the short term. That is what we have to gradually reshape - and initially a triumphant self needs to triumph over the villain.
When we no longer define them as the villain, but as sad and damging people who damage others, we have reshaped it.
I think the KEY to surviving this whole thing is right here ^^^^^
Our experience as the LBS is very, very, very different from the MLC-er. VERY.
For OUR survival, I think it's important to tap into that competitive part of yourself that refuses to give up. Find that most tenacious, competitive, determined part of yourself and stick to it like a fly to poop.
Redefine yourself in a way that you have always wanted. Dig deep for those dreams and visions and hopes you set aside over the years. RECLAIM those dreams and, slowly, you rise above what was. You begin to understand your own strength and awesomeness. Then, it really doesn't matter what ONE person said, did, or believed at one small point in history. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TRANSCENDED.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I may be wrong. But, it seems as if this house renovation is something you need to finish for yourself. It stands as something you started as a couple and it seems to me that you need, for your own healing and self-respect, to overcome this particular challenge and finish what was started. I believe you will reclaim some of that confidence he robbed from you by moving above these challenges and getting it done. I know you will.
Then, the sky is the limit.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Mghty!!! Love you, woman!! Your hot little kitchenless booty can call me out anytime!!
GB, ready for another acrobatic music and shoe party when you are!!
I agree with Heather, and I'm sooooooo excited to see you taking on the renovation project now. Take it as slowly as you need to. No one has the right to tell you otherwise. The important thing is that you continue to make small steps forward. Even the smallest ones count.
Make that house your own, or fix it up just to sell it. Stay open to the possibility of anything. There is a wonderful life ahead to be lived by you.
You know what's really good about this?? 😉
You and only you get to decide which path to walk. No one else gets to tell you what's next in your story.
LT- ummmm.... yeah... I gotta look into the wire things. I am slowly starting to tackle that darn room, one small step at a time.
GB & Shining- Great to hear from you. You guys always make me smile!!
Heather- Thank you. You are always finding a way for me to continue to put one foot in front of the other.
Yesterday was interesting. I am finding that the days are a little different. Different is good from where I was, yet this is some really hard stuff. Still struggling a bit. Letting go is bitter-sweet. It is good being able to release someone else's burden. To look towards the future. However, it is sad bc I realize the finality of it. He is done. Clearly. I think he'd like to keep me on a hook at a distance, but he would much rather be in that other situation than with me. OK- refocus!
For me, I am starting to walk my path. But, I am not sure what direction it is going. I know it will get easier. Right now I feel like I am wearing giant moon boots and my path is right through a pond of mud. It's hard to walk through. I am not sure which direction my path is to get me out. And every step is really hard. My boots are too big and weighted with mud. I'm not entirely stuck. I am still working really hard at getting out of this mud pond. Not sure how long it's gonna take me. But I want out.
I also know that once I'm out- it's only the beginning. But hopefully I will have a nice pair of running sneakers waiting for me.
I spent most of yesterday... cursing.... ummm.... frustrated.... well...hmmmm.... taking apart cabinets in the kitchen. No joke- all but 2 screws were stripped on the cabinets. It was a royal pain. These are really nice oak cabinets that I wanted to resell to help offset some of the costs. After about 7 hours.... well.... not all of the cabinets will be for sale. I actually left last night. I had enough. D14 and I were going to the movies and do some things. We had to stop at my brother's house to pick something up for my mom. My brother and his family were headed to the movies too. So we all went together. We saw The Wedding Ringer. I needed some Kevin Heart for a night. Just silly laughs. Then we went to dinner together too.
I am still cycling through lots of different emotions. All over the place. But I remind myself that I don't want who xh is now. That even if he were here with me right now, it would not be healthy or a fulfilling r. There were a lot of things that made me nervous when he was here. I knew there was a long ways to go. I dont think he has the capacity to see that. I really think he is looking for the easiest sitch and that things will just settle. If it works out for him like that, so be it. But, that won't work for me.
But, I still am getting some anger. Yesterday after I left the house with d14 I had more anger than I think I had ever felt. I can usually feel it right up to my throat. This was different. I have heard of being so angry you could taste it. It was like that. I could feel it all the way up into my mouth. It was thick and heavy. It was hard to breathe. I had to recline my seat in my car and lean back some so my lungs could get oxygen. I didn't say much. D14 was into her music, but I am sure she noticed as I had to keep taking deep breaths. I relaxed a little while later and we had fun. But I can't believe the how tangible the anger felt inside me.
I felt like I was at 10 since Friday evening. For 24 hours. I am really mad that he could do this to our kids. Really mad. That he could be on the phone w d14 and hear her disappointment that he was with hww and continue to do that. That this hww has no care or concern at all about my kids and he would CHOOSE to have this person in his life- to share a life. That's what ticks me off. But, it is different at this point. I am more so realizing that he will have to pick up the pieces of his r with the kids some day. That it will never be the same. But I really ticks me off that he would make everything in his life about this baby now and make my kids an after thought. I just don't get it. Not at all. It really, really ticks me off. BUT- they can have that guy. We had the best he had to offer. Even though the past 20 years seem like they didn't even happen for some reason. Like they were my imagination or something.
I woke up this morning, as I usually do... weighted, sad, disappointed. And I thought- why? It can be a good day. He is not here. That is not going to change. Just like every day I have woken up and he isn't here. Why does it have to be a bad day because of that? I can still have a good day without him here.
I just keep thinking that I hate him. I don't like that word. I don't know that it is healthy. But it just keeps running through my mind. But that is the only feeling I have towards him now. It seems immature. I am really trying to grow, and I feel like in many ways I am. But that is a real genuine feeling I have right now.
Mighty - this blazing anger is very healthy. It will propel you forward. You will get exhausted by it, but right now it is a repsonse to appalling treatment.
Probably too late to mention it but there is a device for taking out stripped screws . . . . just sayin'
Take care. In four weeks from now you will be in a very different place.
Your last post is something I could have written, about the realization that he's gone, not understanding how he could choose what he did, and having to forge ahead to create a different life than what we had originally planned. The not knowing what that looks like is scary. The way you write is beautiful.
Waking up today and realizing the you can choose to make it a good day? Huge leap forward, Mighty. Huge. I smiled so big reading that.
It's not always going to feel this way. It will take some time, tho. Bea is right....4 weeks from now, you will likely feel different. You'll still have down days, but the balance will begin to shift.
I still cycle in the grief of this. I have sad nights when I just miss the old times. They become fewer and further between. Reclaiming my own sense of self-worth, and imagining what could be next.....even if it seems like a crazy idea....helps remind me how much control over my life I have.
You are an inspiration to so many here. The awareness you have of your own feelings is a gift that will serve you well. Once the weight of these first raw months (again) lifts, you will begin to move forward with far less effort.
Keep going, Mighty. And continue to be gentle with yourself.
Sweetie, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Trust in that. The anger, the sadness, the not understanding..all of it is part of the process.
When I was going through this, I remember one day thinking...today I am going to choose joy. Not happiness, because that is fleeting..but joy.
for that day, I found joy in the simplest things. In my son, my niece and nephew, my home. I found it in a funny tv show and outside in nature.
It was fleeting at the time. But, I tried to remember that feeling. Because that was the feeling I was working towards. Feeling that each day. That was the goal.
So, get angry. Throw something, hit something, scream at the top of your lungs. Get it out. And cry some..big gulping tears.
Afterwards, do something nice for yourself..read a book, take a bath.
You feel how you do. There are no wrong feelings. Its what we do with them that matters, M.
Its a sad thing this. It really is. But you wont always feel as you do now. You wont feel the raw, searing pain. It will be replaced one day with a small ache from time to time
But you gotta get through this stuff to get to there. And you will. I know it without a doubt.
He isnt worthy of you, my friend. She cant shine your shoes.
Doesnt make it hurt less knowing that now, I know.
You are gonna be fine, my friend. Better than fine. You just have to get through the mud.
You know how you do that? You stop fighting it. You walk through it in measured steps. One moment at a time sometimes. Taking small breaks and regrouping. Til one day..you are on the other side.
Keep taking those steps, Mighty. One foot in front of the other. You will have backslides til one day when you back up, its to take a giant leap over a puddle.
I think your anger is healthy and moving you towards healing. I don't blame you for being angry!
I agree with Heather. It really does a number on you when your ex is going through a MLC. I know I was agood wife. I do not have regrets about my part in our marriage. There was nothing deal breaking from my end.
It has taken me a long time to get to a place where I am actually glad to be away from him. You will get there too.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
If it works out for him like that, so be it. But, that won't work for me.
Try to hang on to that thought, each day, Mighty. The others gave you great advice, but as you're working through this, try to hang on to that thought. Each day when you wake up, make a conscious effort to remember it. And remember to choose that joy over whatever else.
I remember having to crawl out of that hole you describe. I'm sure many of us do. It takes persistence and hard work whether you like it or not. But with time and effort, as was mentioned, you'll feel the tide begin to shift. Like climbing, it seems slow at first. It seems insurmountable. Then one day you look back and realize you've come a long way.
Forget what you've seen in the movies or read about. Just focus on that feeling. A minute at a time at first. Until you can string 10 of them together, then 20, then 40... It'll shift.
There may always be a time here and there when you feel "something" about the past. That's not abnormal. But it'll have less and less hold over you after a while of working through it. I know it's that way for me and it hasn't always been like that, for sure.
As the old saying goes, "when you're going through hell, keep on going!"
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
bea- I think you are right about 4 weeks. I know it will only be a drop in the bucket, but if I look back two weeks from where I am now... it totally freaks me out. Not something I EVER want to go back to.
Shining- heeeeeeeeeey, girl! HA! Beautiful writing? If you call a big, burly female truck driver cussing up a storm at the road block when on a deadline put into a sweet cadence of my writing...
That kind of beautiful? Possibly the first time I've metaphor-ed myself as "big, burly" female... but the mouth of a trucker... well... in my most innocent girly giggle... maybe?
uR, thanks for the post. I will choose JOY! Little by little it wont even be a choice... it will be my life. I have appreciated your posts, and I recently read your post, I think to Heather?, and it really meant a lot to me. I know you have been through it and you understand so well. I have been looking at things to look forward to. Small, little things that I know xh wouldn't enjoy, and I can enjoy them carefree, without guilt, or taking away from anyone. (I think part of xh's insecurities is being able to enjoy things for others... things he didn't understand seemed almost like a threat to him... if that makes any sense.) But I am TRYING to find the little thing to REALLY enjoy and look forward to.
Karma- I too am glad to be away from him. Like this, anyway. And "this" is what he is. I miss "that" but "this" can stay away!
AJ- I was just thinking about how I felt that I'd hit a wall for the day. And I was thinking that as days slowly progress, I have a tendency to hit a wall... Like OK, enough for the day. Then I read your post and you gave the stringing along the minutes analogy, and it was like you read my mind! So, I guess it's pretty "normal" to have this wall-hitting feeling. As long as I realize that the time pre-wall-hitting was enjoyable. Love that time of day!
Well, I did hit a wall. My heart takes a toll... I really feel it internally. So I was contemplating on things I could do to... feel better. I came up with what I stated to uR. Then I though I could just be. That its OK to not be on cloud nine, and yet I don't need to soak in misery either. I can just be.
Then xh dropped of d14 (he took her and a friend to the movies today- she still won't go without a friend or s18- he used to say no and not take her if she wanted a friend, at least now he will). But, as I was stewing in my wall-hitting, getting-through-it, just-be-ing, mind, I had to watch pull off to hww's. Yeah, it gave me a hari kari moment. But, I'm OK. I picked myself back up. And I'm gonna chill. I'm gonna enjoy the night in my bed watching shows I like (prob w d14) in my fleece sheets. C'mon, y'll... you tried them? They are the BEST! Need them 'round these parts! And they make me happy.
You know the best thing (practically) about living alone - thermal pjs. They can be cute (I have some leopard skin printed ones, among others (with a black top!)) but I do not kid myself they are a glamour item! I wear them with indoor uggs for extra appeal
Fleecy sheets are next . . It is small things that can help us to be happy
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Feeling lots of grief today. Trying all of my tools in my tool box but nothing is helping with this uneasy feeling.
I did realize that it is not about me. I kept trying to figure out why he like her more or would go back after everything he told me., but I don't think that is it at all.
He even said that he has feelings for me still. How could he really feel good about jumping into that if that's the case.
He is so confused (he even said a million times "I don't know what I'm doing" and he can't make decisions. He even said she is a control freak, I I know 100% she is a manipulator. I'm not blaming her- he's the one choosing these actions when there are other choices. But I just know it's not about me. He didn't choose her. He is choosing to be manipulated and choosing not to be accountable and choosing not to do the work inside, choosing not to do the work in r's.
I think it's sad. For him, for my kids, for my family. That he does not have the courage to be alone. To work on himself. He is digging himself deeper. It's awful to watch, especially knowing that it is closing the door on our family forever.
I can't shake this horrible feeling inside.
I know it is the same ol', but I just don't know what else to. I was hoping I'd feel better after this acknowledgment of my feelings. I don't. It works sometimes.
Ok, I will keep moving, but it isn't easy. I am stuck in a abyss of despair. Still can't find what I'm looking for. What will bring less despair into my world. I can't believe this. I can't believe he has this baby. This is the pits.
Mighty, I remember reading something a while back that says that "not making a decision is a decision".
What you are feeling is very normal and you are going to have days where nothing helps. Those are the days that you have to take it step by step, grieve, cry, shout, beat the stuffing out of something, etc. Feel those emotions and then let them go. You've got some DIY things to work on and today is a good day to take that hammer out and use it.
As for your xh, he's confused and yes, he's still got feelings for you...but are they right kind of feelings, i.e., a man should have for his wife and not just a friend? Quite frankly, he doesn't know which end is up and you can't listen to his bs right now. He's sitting on the fence and is hopefully keeping his options open by dropping those tidbits of saying he's got feelings for you.
Yes, it is very sad that this grown man can't get it together, but that's not your problem to fix. Yes, it's sad for your children because they need a mature, responsible and accountable father who is there for them 24/7. Mlcers can't stand to be alone because they have to have someone there to use as a crutch and to help them focus on what they are doing at the moment. If they don't have that crutch, then they would have to find something else to take their focus off what needs fixing. It's a sad situation and no one should ever want to be walking in their shoes.
It's not easy turning a deaf ear and a blind eye to what he's doing, especially when he's living next door...but you've got to find a way to help yourself off that mlc train or you will be right down in the dark pit w/him, living in a very confused state all of the time.
I think what's going w/you is that you are heading towards acceptance of the situation and you are having a difficult time of it because you know that once you've accepted the situation for what it is today, your heart will break completely in two.
Please be kind to yourself today. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mighty, I'm sorry this is another tough day for you.
Job said some golden things right there.... resonated with me as well.
There are days I STILL look around and I can't. fn. believe it. There is definitely another level of pain that comes with the acceptance. And I believe the acceptance happens in stages, too, with varying degrees of ***really*** accepting it all.
For example, I am so sure my H still has feelings for me, just as yours still does for you. Does it change anything today? Nope.
Healthy people don't do what they did, in the way they did it. And they continue to run from their accountability.
Healthy people don't disregard their children and cut off family members like this.
He is sick. He is in crisis. He cannot cope with the feelings....especially the deep ones.
He cannot see a way out of this, nor can he see a way back to you, so he convinces himself to keep going the opposite direction because that way, even if he is not happy, it just hurts less. And that's all he can handle.
Nothing we do is going to change that. Nothing.
He has to do this on his own. No other way. Of that I am certain.
The best thing we can do is get out of their way. Get out of their thoughts. And better yet, get them out of ours for now.
You have to feel this. It's a death inside. I remember feeling a part of my heart....dying. And it keeps doing that off and on, with less hopeless despair.
On the other side of this period in time, is a life to be lived. You don't have to have it all figured out today. But with each small step you take, your path will become clearer and clearer. Be patient, be gentle with the way you talk to yourself, and be ok not knowing what the future is for now. It will begin to take form in front of you with each day, even if you can't see it yet. One day, you will.
Mighty, Im sorry you had a difficult day. This is heartwrenching stuff.
I'm glad you are realizing it isnt about you. This crisis was years in the making. No amount of love could have stopped it.
Although it is hard to see through all the heartache this causes, your xh is in pain, too. Unbearable pain at times.
He is deeply unhappy. He doesnt know why. He just keeps trying everything he can, but, the despair it is still there. He became someone opposite of who he was. He lashed out at you, alientated his children, acts out, regressed. The deep sadness and confusion continues. He will keep searching until and unless he looks within.
I know his actions are devastating. I know you are angry, disappointed, hurt and deeply pained.
The way I see it is, that in life, we come to expect it to go a certain way.
But then life throws us some tough stuff from time to time.
We experience illnesses, death, miscarriages, divorce, etc. We think we cannot possibly get through them and yet we do.
Some of us come out stronger, some not so much. Some become bitter and some do not.
The difference, I think, in how we survive is not so much how tough we are, but, in how open we are.
We only get this one shot and we get to choose how we take it.
So, my friend, you will get to the other side. You just have to go through some really crappy parts to get there.
It is hard Mighty,...it's hard when it makes no sense. He is not healthy and not making healthy choices. My ex still has feelings for me too and where is he? He's with his new 30 yr old GF. It doesn't matter who they hurt us, their children their families. You can't fix him or make this right. All you can do is duck and save yourself from all the crap he throws your way
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I am taking my power back! This is MY life and I determine what makes ME happy. And it OBVIOUSLY isn't a cheating, lying, abusive, miserable, confused, irresponsible dumb-ass. Yeah, he is struggling... well he made sure to take everyone down in flames with him. And throw lighter fluid on them as he ran away... again.
And what annoys me about this post... it is TOO much about him.
Right. Anger doesn't feel good, does it Mighty? But it is the way through it as long as you don't get stuck. It may take a while of being angry. If it didn't, I would worry about you because it meant you didn't care before. I'm sure you wish you didn't care.
I know from experience that if they go but don't go, it's harder. The longer and quieter they are, the more you can heal. Believe me, the hardest part is finding that ability to heal with the knucklehead in your face on a frequent basis.
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Mlcers can't stand to be alone because they have to have someone there to use as a crutch and to help them focus on what they are doing at the moment. If they don't have that crutch, then they would have to find something else to take their focus off what needs fixing. It's a sad situation and no one should ever want to be walking in their shoes.
Spot on from what I've seen. And honestly, I wouldn't want to be that person. It's pathetic. It's sad. It's their problem because they made it their problem and theirs alone.
It's frustrating because you weren't given a say.
But you're on the right track, ending the conversation about him more often than not. That's the key. More often than not make the conversation something else. In your own head as well as what you say. After a while it'll become more natural. Ingrained.
Don't wish away the anger, but don't stay there either, Mighty. It's part of the process. Let it wash over you. And get plenty of exercise and some alone time, yeah?
Things will be ok in time. For you and the kids. The rest will be what is. And that will be ok too.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I would think that I was going totally crazy if I didn't step back and look at what has happened to me in the past year and a half. If I didn't acknowledge the crazy $hit that has been bombarding me... I'd would be seriously concerned. My emotions are ALL. OVER. THE. FREAKING. PLACE!
Yet, I think that is a good thing??? At least I'm not stuck. And HOPEFULLY this isn't permanent. If that's the case, then I'm definitely going to go friggin crazy.
This may be the longest that xh has gone without contacting me. That's good. I totally feel panic stricken when I see his contact name come up on my phone. It's not in his name, because just seeing his name would increase the amount of anxiety.
No, when I hear I a text come through, I still get slightly jumpy and anxious when I see who it's from. It's back to how I felt awhile back. Ick.
Yet, it still makes me a little uneasy with no contact. Not that I want it. At all. Just weird. I know... it means I'm not totally detached. I get it. I am acknowledging it. Working on it.... just... uneasy, I guess.
job- your post to me yesterday was beautiful. Always so calming and insightful. And you are right, xh's feelings towards me are not anything that I want for a husband. And I find it so insulting for him to want to act like my friend while after what he did. Not even give me the dignity or respect to have a conversation. Pursue a r with her and be my buddy w no explanation. It is just so wrong on so many levels.
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He cannot see a way out of this, nor can he see a way back to you, so he convinces himself to keep going the opposite direction because that way, even if he is not happy, it just hurts less. And that's all he can handle.
Shining ^^^ Well said! That is so accurate, I believe. I can totally see him going through the motions. Maybe it's like "new" again and they have their new baby, but that does not equate to inner peace and happiness. I don't know how anyone can truly be happy with how that r started and how he left his family. For either of them. Someone who is really happy inside, I don't think, could do what they did and be at peace with it. Superficial people, but I don't believe they are truly happy inside.
uR:
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The way I see it is, that in life, we come to expect it to go a certain way. But then life throws us some tough stuff from time to time.
We only get this one shot and we get to choose how we take it.
Yes, uR! This is one of those things that just gives me a sweet reality check. Life isn't over for me. It's just different. I am so blessed. There are others out there suffering way more than me. This is life! This is what happens. Crap, sometimes. But, there is more to it than crap. That's the stuff I need to focus on, surround myself with, and work towards. Thank you for that much needed reminder!
Hey, Karma! So confusing, aren't they! That's why its best not to figure it out. That's what all my peeps here keep telling me! It is hard to see these men w younger women, huh? I mean, I still thought I was pretty spry and youthful... until he left me for a 25 year old. Ouch! After reading your post, it dawned on me.. when xh turns 40, hww and our son with both be in their 20's. Her age weird's my kids out.
AJ- first, I wanna say.... AMAZING post to Wet earlier. I loved it, loved what you shared, and was able to benefit from that post. Thank you for sharing.
Yeah, I am mad that I wasn't given a say. But, I don't even know what I was going to say! I was all up for taking things slowly, setting boundaries.. that stuff. I knew I had changed and things would be different. Xh, I believe, anticipated coming right back in and everything would pick up where he left off. I mean, he was acting like it, totally. And talking like it, too. I was a little stand-offish about that. It made me nervous.
And two things: one... the post earlier which said they don't like being alone... well it was like 2 days after I really stood firm about having some time and space is when he started staying w hww. It took like a week to get it through to him. He fought me on it, but I stood my ground (I wanted him to settle things w the baby and get on track) and he bailed- blind sided again. Didn't realize how he really couldn't be alone. Of course I have had my moments questioning how I could have done that differently, but I realize if that's all it took for him to jump in the sack with hww- AGAIN, after his declaration of finality there, it wasn't right. And not something I would have wanted to engage in, anyway.
And two: your post to Wet about you being over it before your w. I think in a way that it is the same here. Xh was truly surprised when I told him I didn't contact him bc I truly didn't want anything to do with him. He really thought, like I said, he could just jump back in without change or repercussion. No way, Jose! And if he thinks I'm on stand-by now... he will be sorry.
I don't think he has ever grieved the loss of our m. Thought he could come back whenever(?). And irrationally jumped back in w hww (shocker??). So... perhaps when he does... if he does... ever sort through stuff... I think he will be shocked at what happened. And I think he will be shocked at where he finds me in my life.
Maybe not!
I could be all wrong. Clearly, it wouldn't be the first time.
Just some ramblin' thoughts for today. I need to do that.
Hold on to those thoughts we talked about, Mighty. Each and every day.
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I totally feel panic stricken when I see his contact name come up on my phone. It's not in his name, because just seeing his name would increase the amount of anxiety.
Of all the things I had to work through, this was one I chose last. It was only recently that I noticed I don't get worked up about seeing her name in my inbox. I don't let her text or call, but I leave email open for communicating about the kids. This is a woman who's husband told me (last time) that I should tell my kids I don't love them. And he included my daughter in that email. This is a woman who has gone out of her way to tell me how happy she is and how glad she is she cheated on me. A woman who walked out on her kids. Who made up accusations against me, and would contact me asking about my son's doctor's (same as he had since he was 4) as if she had no clue (she seems to have amnesia.) A woman who then turned around and asked for old photographs of my daughter and oh yeah, my son too.
She and her husband have actively tried to inflict whatever they could on me for years. I'm not innocent. I childishly and ignorantly played into some of it early on right after the divorce. It took time to stop responding to the attacks. It took some effort on my part to not get antsy or uptight when I saw her email or the Christmas card to the two of them each year that showed up at my house from old friends.
I had to let it go as something that was done and I could not control or undo. Something I didn't deserve, but happened anyway. Just life, ya know?
My point is that regardless of the situation, you must and will find a way to deal with things in a way that works for you. Maybe not him, but certainly for you. At times you may feel like you're kicking a puppy (I sometimes did in the past). You're not. You must push them out of your life regardless, even if you later open the door to being civil or even friendly, if it comes to that in your situation.
It's not that they don't do some horrendous things. They do. It can always be worse, but we wonder how sometimes, ya know? No, the real question is not, "what are they doing to you or how could they?" That's not really relevant when you boil it all away. The relevant question, after you process the rest, that you need to answer is, "What am I going to do about me?" Not out of selfishness or self-preservation although those have a place. But out of good old fashioned self-respect.
You did not drive him away. He was already gone. He made his choice. It was more of a touch and go.
He says he doesn't even like her? I recall my ex telling my daughter that she didn't like the new friends (ex's). She still has them to my knowledge. Because unless and until she makes a different choice, she likely will have them. Her business. Just like it's your ex's business.
The question is, what are you going to do? What are you going to do tomorrow to show you respect yourself?
And focus on those items we talked about. In your quiet times and when you first wake up for a few minutes.
Small steps for now. Bigger ones later when you aren't going to pull a hammy
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
My SD was weirded out too Mighty. She said how can my Dad date someone so young. She doesn't understand that kids need to come first.
I too look good for my age and actually was in better shape than my ex. The new guy I'm dating looks good for his age (51) and is in better shape than my ex too. My SD made a point of telling her D I was dating a firefighter. She wanted him to know I was dating someone fit. Lol
We are maturing and still full of life and healthy. One day these men will wake up old. Whether they are with someone younger or not they will still be old. Old, sad and lonely.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Hi - the panic when we see their name, hear their voice is due in part to the scale of the emotional abuse. It does fade, but you might want to try some specific short term therapy if it doesn't
It will take a while, but at some point you will realise that you are MUCH better off without this man and all of his baggage. Doesn't mean you made a mistake, or that you will necessarily cease to love him, but that they couldn't/wouldn't grow and you can and will.
If he can leave you alone for a few weeks or months you will heal faster. Weirdly when they do finally leave us alone we illogically can feel rejected all over again. But actually they are doing us a favour here!
Everything you are experiencing emotionally is normal and on track, and your courage and honesty ensures you will keep moving forward
AJ - I DO have to remember those thoughts- "this" will not work for me. Hey Karma! Thanks for keeping up w me. Bea- I am hoping my new ic may be able to help. I start next week.
Real quick... I have been feeling slightly better in the mornings, but I am having lots of dreams. Last yr I had them every night & xh was always w me. Now I have them & he is rejecting me.
I do feel like I'm coming out of hibernation a little. Opening up more, feeling better. But then I have a thought, like this morning, after all we have been through, how could he do this? It breaks my heart. But he DID do this and I have to accept it. That's who he is now.
I have been coming to terms w some personal issues. Praying and talking to God about the lessons I need. I prayed in the middle of the night about it.
When I woke up this morning, this was my message (I read on my inspirational app every morn before I get out of bed);
☆ Isaiah 30:20-21, 23 Though the Lord may give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your teachers won’t be hidden any more, but your eyes will see your teachers; and when you turn to the right hand, and when you turn to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way. Walk in it.” He will give the rain for your seed, with which you will sow the ground; and bread of the increase of the ground will be rich and plentiful. In that day, your livestock will feed in large pastures.
I seriously can't believe what a roller coaster I am on right now. It's almost like I am breaking out of something, but BAM, I get hit hard and fast.
I literally was in the car w d14 and was all over the map w emotions. I was in tears one second (this is the time I am happy for iphones as her face was buried). Then I was feeling so angry- I think that's what the tears are about- not sadness- anger. Then, she played a song and was like, here, you like this! It was one of her songs, but silly and fun. We were being silly and dancing in the car. I turned the corner and was at the stop sign and realized I had freaking tears again!
Smokes! It is the craziest thing ever! I am becoming aware of specific things which I am dealing with. These are some MAJOR tasks to take on. I am not sure how I am going to climb Mt. Everest of my "issues".
Another thing, which is separate from these monumental "issues" is that I have realized over the past few days I have been thinking more and more about my inlaws. My fil, who has been very ill recently has been on my mind. I know both my inlaws have lots to do w xh's inability to deal... the reason he has to deal... the mlc... and more. MIL has done a 180 since childhood. I knew her then and she and xh have a decent r now. The don't see each other often, but I do know that she comes from an sincere place now. She is not one to voice anything though. After xh left hww, mil cried and told xh that she knew he wasn't happy and she was glad he left. But she didn't say anything before that. I also believe xh avoided all his family except occasionally his one b, which is prob the only person on earth he trusts (outside of me).
ANyway.. Fil cheated... xh caught him. FIL abandoned xh- IN COURT! FIL was told by judge (xh was like 14 and didn't get along w ow... ow called police on xh... after she moved in with fil and xh.. they lived together after xh caught fil cheating) Judge said to make a choice- xh or ow. XH was going to be sent to a boy's home in NYC. FIL walked out. Said he wouldn't choose. Abandoned xh- right there.
MIL finally stepped in and stopped it. Took him in. But really.. xh ended up on his own at that point. He cried to his dad after that day and begged him to take him in. FIL chose ow.
OW has now passed away. (We paid for the services).
FIL always belittled her and talked badly about her to his sons. It was his way. But still... he chose her. I am realizing how that must have made xh feel. He chose her but had nothing good to say about her. And she was a priority. FIL was heard to be talking trash about us to family bc we "made it". We were married, had a nice home, great kids, worked hard... yadda... FIL only hated on it. Never once said anything like, "I'm proud of you." "Good job." Nothing. Took advantage of us. Would take things... money and such.
Wow... I'm getting it out there... there is much more.. but I'm cuttin loose!
But, he would come around here and there. I haven't heard from FIL in quite some time. Now he is not doing well. XH, during his brief stint around here, RUSHED to the hospital to tell his dad he forgave him. Now, he says he doesn't know what is going on with his health bc he doesn't have time. So... as much as he tried to reconnect w us... he did so w his dad, too. Then, right when he "redumped" us, he redumped his dad.
I wonder if I should go see his dad. I was always very kind to him and got along with him fine. I held lots of animosity towards him bc of how he treated my h.. and my kids. But, I always took the high road w his family. I was actually the one who saw to it that they got together (won't do that again- with whomever). I don't know. I mean, it is the weirdest feeling. I may never see him again.
I was part of that family for 20 years. I got along with everyone in the family. It's a big one... xh is one of 7 with 30 something grandkids and ?? great grand kids now. Xh and I were the matriarch and patriarch... seems weird at our age.. but we were the only ones married in the fam for a long time. Married the longest. Organized (and paid) for most of the gatherings.
It's just weird. Sad. I just feel like maybe I should say good bye. It makes me so sad saying that, but that's what it is. They won't keep in contact with me. I haven't heard from any of them since before bd a year and a half ago. ( Except for bil whom xh is close with- I am also very close w. He is amazing and I love his fam... I'm also Godmother to his d. They live 8 hrs away).
It's a weird sitch. His fami is not used to marriage and all that. Cheating happened. They looked to us... and it makes me so sad that they see this fall apart. His nieces... when I think about it... it makes me sad bc I know they looked at us as family role models. Now hww is THEIR age or YOUNGER!
OK, just more stuff to process. Man, am I a mess or what? I am crying my eyes out as I type this. It's probably so lame, but at 37 years old and 20 years with this person (and family) I just don't know much else.
One thing I realized I was angry about (and needs FOCUS) is my anger at him for taking ME. I feel gone. I always laughed. I don't anymore. Not really. Not real. And that freaks me out.
Ummm...I still don't know who you are in reading your posts. What makes you tick? What are your favorite colors? What activities do you enjoy?
You have the choice to quit auditioning for XH's Klown Skool.
I get your anger. My concern is that it is festering and keeping you stuck. Life is a hoppin' around you and you're letting it pass you by.
In fact, I saw a poster at a local pizzeria about African masks that will be displayed at the local university for a month. I plan to go there in the next week or so and learn some more about those masks to expand my horizons. Something to chat about at cocktail parties.
Wonka... that's f'in awesome. In fact... I had put a down payment on a trip to Africa in 1995... Xh said he wouldn't be havin' it. I didn't go. Down payment was nonrefundable. I am just remembering this. I was 18. I could have seen those masks- straight-up!
The thing is... I think I put a lot of me to the side. I kept the "core" me. But it feels dead. I'm sorry you don't feel like you know me. I am putting it out there as best I can. I am SO friggin pissed that the part I KNEW and still enjoyed.... I CANT FIND anymore!
The past two days I have done much more with my kids... I'm feeling like myslef more.. but I'm not exactly sure what that is.
I can tell you this... I may be the class clown... but I AIN'T no f'in Klown in xh's charade.
And... I can't wait for you to meet me. BC when I RE-find ME... it ain't no joke. I'm just ticked that I have to find the me I was so familiar with.
Does it surprise you to find that you may not know you? That you may have sacrificed part of you to be who you were? To make your relationship work? I'm not. That's how relationships work - you become entwined with one another. Sometimes it's very easy to find that you can't tell yourself from the other because you were so close. That's normal and how things should be in a healthy relationship. Contrary to what people say of course
Quote:
I am not sure how I am going to climb Mt. Everest of my "issues".
One step at a time of course. Just keep steppin' on this adventure of yours. Along the way there will be thrills and chills, joy and sadness, anger and happiness. But keep steppin'. No other way right?
What you describe, feeling like the core you is dead? I get that. I've been there. I didn't let it last for too long, but it was that way for a while. Why? I think it's part of the grieving. There were times I thought I'd never smile again. And I didn't until the tide turned. Until the pendulum swung.
That is a sad story about your ex. Very. I think it's natural to feel sorry for him in that situation. I also think that's part of the feelings you have. Whether an explanation or not? We all have issues right? But we're measured by the choices we make, whether explainable or not. Your anger is justified. So is your sadness and grief. I'm sure there's a few other emotions in there somewhere too.
But none of what you describe is abnormal. In the least. It's painful. It's tough to wake up and find that somebody you trusted took away the dreams you had and you had no say in the matter. And they just won't go away! It's tough to see them hurt your kids. It's tough to see them hurt themselves. But like watching a 3 year old about to put their hand on a hot stove, they won't listen. They must learn for themselves, if they can.
If you clear all that away, and start to live YOUR life, you'll find the joy and sunshine you once new. Will it be different? Sure. But like the quote you posted, the new happiness will be better.
We all go through seasons. Trials. Highs and lows. They each take time and from each we learn something. We learn who we are more deeply. We learn to appreciate things more. Trivial things such as laughing and dancing in the car. We learn that time passes in a wink. We learn to accept and we learn how to appreciate joy.
But while in the middle of the storm, sometimes we have to really hunker down and weather it. We have to know it won't last. We have to know we don't like it, but we also have to know we'll be OK when it passes. I think you already know that, Mighty.
An IC might be just the ticket to help things along a little faster. A little more completely. A person to help clarify the jumble of thoughts and emotions.
While I don't recommend visiting the FIL at this time in your processing, I do understand what you're thinking. He's family. Right now might not be the best time for you though. I had done similar with former family. I spent 20 years with them as part of the family. Some I still talk to. Others won't. All of them have made it clear that they understand what happened, but it doesn't work for some of them and some of them it doesn't work for me to keep in touch. But that's OK. Now anyway
One last thing. I remember being your shoes after the second time ex left. It was harder. I was pretty down. I remember walking into work one day and just stopping outside the door and laughing like a madman. Because it hit me - this isn't about me or anything I've done or didn't do. I wasn't "rejected" per se. My ex was broken. I laughed because I had put so much effort and focus on me and being a failure etc. I laughed because I realized what a clown I'd been for focusing on me in such a negative way. Heck, I was darn near perfect in my ex's eyes. It took her years and many tries to come up with a story she could live with as to why she had to leave. Years later she doesn't remember a bit of saying those things and thinks I'm crazy
It's a point in time and one where you are grieving. Give yourself the permission to do so. And don't think you're just going to snap out of it. It takes time.
While you're passing the time though, focus on those things we talked about before. Focus on finding the joy in each day. The joy in your kids, your life, your circumstances. Practice that gratitude even if you don't feel it right now. It'll make a difference until you finish grieving.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi Mighty, Wow, your XH's R with his father sounds much like my W's with her father! I know that what her father did to her and her family has EVERYTHING to do with her MLC.
For me it's been a wake up call to keep me on track with my D's. I realize the power parents in general and fathers in particular have in the lives of kids and I know how important it is for me to be there for them.
More proof that this MLC thing started WAY before we were ever in our S's lives. Like they say, we didn't break them and we can't fix them. Your xh could have chosen to make sure that what he went thru wasn't something that his kids would ever have to deal with. I thought that this was how my W felt (and said she did for 20 years). I think it takes real strength to over come that kind of abandonment from a parent. Our S's just didn't have that strength and instead chose to repeat their parental mistakes. Very sad. But it has NOTHING to do with us or how good (or not) we were to them or for them. Remember this Mighty. Nothing you did caused your xh to be the person he is and make the choices he has. In fact, the fact that your M lasted as long as it did and you have the great kids you do says that you were probably the best choice your xh could have made. In the end, he just couldn't escape the demons from his past the same as my W.
You got this Mighty. You and I both will break the cycle for our kids by being the best US that we can and showing them that we all have our own power in ourselves and NO ONE can stop us from being the best we can be. We alone choose the path our lives will take. I can't think of a better reason to not allow our sitch's to stop us!
It seems crazy, but sometimes the WAS seems compelled to re enact their childhood trauma. My ex left just when our kids were the same age he was when his mom left.
It seems crazy, but sometimes the WAS seems compelled to re enact their childhood trauma. My ex left just when our kids were the same age he was when his mom left.
My xh has married someone (not the original OW) who is very like his mother . . . . The original OW was like the crazy version. He never sorted it out when she was alive. From where I am sitting the dynamic of the relationship is much more like the one with his mother. Not at all like the relationship we had.
Does it surprise you to find that you may not know you? That you may have sacrificed part of you to be who you were? To make your relationship work? I'm not. That's how relationships work - you become entwined with one another. Sometimes it's very easy to find that you can't tell yourself from the other because you were so close. That's normal and how things should be in a healthy relationship.
I have to disagree to an extent with my friend AJ...which never happens.
I dont want to get all Oprahy on here. Cuz I aint that. But, having been in a relationship where I lost me, I feel like I had to say something.
I think someone should enhance your life, not define it. I think you should both accept who the other person is. I sacrificed part of who I was to make the relationship work and it was not a good thing. There are going to be things that you dont like about each other. There are going to be differences. That doesnt mean you have to change who you are, change your core, in order to keep a relationship.
As I said, I lost me. I didnt know who I was anymore because I was too busy trying to be who he wanted me to be.
Should you try to be flexible? Yea. Should you try to accomodate when you can? Sure. But sacrificing who you are or expecting them to do that? I dont agree.
I think you can have a close, rewarding, loving, accepting relationship by being true to who you are and by accepting who the other person is.
Sorry to hijack, Mighty.
And AJ, I hope you know by now how much I respect you and how very much I enjoy your posts and love what you have to say.
Wonka, I thought a little more about the "who I am" question. And, really, who I was before xh was a 17 year-old. I'm not that person, nor do I want to be. Having been with him for 20 years, since a teenager... well, we grew up together. He was my life. We came from NOTHING. We worked hand-in-hand for everything. Experienced everything together. We came from small towns with no worldly experiences or anything outside of that small-town mentality. So, really, everything we did for the first time, it was together. We were very intertwined. Yes, we brought our own things to the table, but we were so enmeshed, that our personalities bounced off each other. PB &J, salt & pepper, Batman and Robin... you know... like that. It's just hard being me without my partner.
I also don't think I am stuck in anger. I am really feeling it now... really... after all he has done to me. For a year and a half, I couldn't really access it. Couln't digest the reality of MY reality. I think I have a lot to be angry about. I think I have a right to be angry. I don't like it, nor do I want it to stay. I know it won't. But I am using it to help me see reality. It is helping me access things I need to really let go. It's been like two weeks of real anger. I don't know how that is stuck. I got some mad $hit to work through here. I hope it's gone soon. For real. But, I need it, I know, to work through some stuff. To get me past this stage of feeling paralyzed. Like a prisoner of circumstance.
I also don't see this whole audition thing... I don't get it. I know I cycle a lot. But I have had so much to process. My actions are not at all for his benefit. My actions are first, to try to find my footing. Trying to get some semblance of my surroundings. It is so f'ed up, what has happened to me. I am not saying that as a victim... It just is! And I am taking steps to become stronger for me and for my kids. I don't get the whole audition analogy. I don't dig it, either. I mean, if others see it that way, that's totally fine with me. I know my intentions and my struggles. I know that I am just trying to find my way. Who am I? Well, I think that will take time. I also think that accepting my past and my present will help me define that. I can't gloss over it. I think the first true step starts with acceptance. It is then that every step is stronger and with more determination. I'm getting there. I'm not in a rush. Well... I would LOVE if it went MUCH faster... but I don't want to screw it up. And to figure out me, I need to be authentic to me. I feel I have been a raw and real as I can be. That's my way of doing things. THIS is me. THIS is my present. THESE are my thoughts. My feelings. My sincerity. Me.
Hi, AJ! I learn so much from your posts and find them endearing and helpful. I'm getting there, my friend. Thank you for your guidance and support. It has given me incredible insight and reminders which I keep in my pocket for much needed moments.
Matt, thank you. Your encouragement means the world. I am so sorry you are enduring this painful mess, but I know I have a friend who understands. I haven't seen updates from you recently... I hope you are doing well. And you are right, No One will stop us!
Ellie & bea- xh used to say for 16 years as he looked as s18, "I don't know how anyone could do that. I would never do that to s18." He said it all the time. Now, he talks about his childhood... he has several times to s18 and when he met with my mom recently he talked about it a lot.
I do think that xh's r with hww is similar to his dad's w ow. Just in the way ow was with her kids vs fil's kids and hww w hers vs my kids. LOTS of similarities in how things went down. (ex: xh caught fil in the act, s18 caught xh on phone and saw text). Lots more, but you get the point.
Hi uR! I understand both pov between you and AJ, actually. Totally. I do think that to b in a r, you have a working partnership, and that you bring your own individuality to, which... as a partnership, is cherished and supported. That's part of it. I don't think I could ever have a r again in which I am as close to someone as xh and I were.
Just a quick update. Feeling sad this morning... but I had a burst of energy... a little shake it off moment... which I love. So, I kept track of the time and how many hours it takes me to shake it off. I know it seems weird, but it's almost like counting the lightening and thunder. I've never been through anything like this and I don't know what it's like or how long it will take for me. So, I guess I'm just trying to count the time to see if the storm is moving further away or something. It took 4 hours this morning to shake it off. And in and out here and there... but whatev.
Got a text yesterday from xh. A week after I asked him to fill out deed forms... he was attempting. He was frustrated. Said it was a "different language" (meaning confusing) and he was giving it back to me to do or have a lawyer do and he will sign. I was not happy. I was so upset. He costs me so much money and has screwed me in every way... but I'm not going to elaborate. But, I prayed on it. Let it go. Didn't respond. I am just waiting for him to give them to me. Haven't yet.
He texted d14 tonight and told her he had a stomach bug from eating breakfast pizza at work this morning. She said he can't be sick bc he's not home at uncle (bil)'s. No response to that. She had just walked home from a friend's down the street and had to pass bil house (and saw xh not there) See... they do pay attention. And I am sure xh will never tell them if he has actually moved back in.
But, I can honestly say that I am feeling more and more distance, which is good. I'm not concerned much about his sitch. I have my moments where things bother me... feeling betrayed, violated, all that good stuff... but I am coming to grips with things. Seeing things more clearly. Anger is helping me. I dont feel it as strongly, but I get sensations. And I know there will be many, many more moments.
A guy friend was telling me today I need to date and was trying to tell me to get on a website. That is really weird for me. Not that it's a weird thing, but I just never thought I would be in that sitch. I dont want to do that. I do miss having someone, but I know I need time. And the thought of going out there is exhausting to me. It no longer freaks me out or repulses me (I hated the thought of anyone but my h). I know I'm not in a rush, nor am I ready, but I guess someday... maybe. It just seems like so much work! Isn't that terrible! What do I know... I've never been on a friggin date! Oh, I sound so corny. Icky me.
No, you're not ready to date yet. But let me just tell you...it was hard for me to picture being with another man after 26 years with my ex. But I quickly found myself with some delightful men who were sexy, wise, and comforting. It took me a few years to find the guy I'm with now, but ALL the men I dated before stay in touch and make it clear that I have a special place in their hearts. (They were all unavailable for one reason or another....an unconscious choice on my part, I'm sure...but I don't regret any of them.)
Mighty, you are right where you are supposed to be. There is not right or wrong way to go through this...there is only your way.
The process isnt the same for anyone.Sometimes it will be in tiny baby steps. Sometimes it will be too steps backwards and one forward. Some days will be great, some horrible. All part of it..the important thing is that there is forward motion.
I couldnt get this for a long time. I was stuck. I was confused. I was stubborn. I fought against it all. Until one day the fear of staying the way I was..was greater than the fear of moving forward.
So, yea, you are going to cycle through all the emotions..in, out, back and around again. The trick is to not live in any one for a longer period than necessary. They all serve a purpose.
You are amazing in how raw you are here. Your thoughts and feelings put right out there. That takes such courage.
So, use that anger..get mad, M. Get so angry that you say to yourself, F him...he doesnt get one thing more from me. Not one freakin thing. That's when you let it wash over you. That's when you say, ok, today is the day that I stand for me. Today is the day that he has no more power over me.
You are getting there. I can see it. I cant wait to see where you land.
I wanted to be sure that you understood what I was saying. I am not saying that we shouldnt be close to our significant others. I am not saying we shouldnt share who we are, share our lives and our heart or that we shouldnt become emeshed. Not at all. I am saying that we shouldnt lose us in order to do that. We shouldnt forget that we matter. We shouldnt have to become someone we arent in order to have that.
We run the risk of getting lost. We run the risk of putting the relationship or the other person before ourselves. That isnt good for anyone. Its a terrible burden to put on the other person. It's a terrible loss to put on us.
You neednt worry about dating now, sweetie. Finish your stuff before you think of that. That's important because you matter. Grow you back. Find you. Figure out who you are and what you want.Plenty of time for all of that.
I am saying that we shouldnt lose us in order to do that. We shouldnt forget that we matter. We shouldnt have to become someone we arent in order to have that.
See uR, we do agree. We just said it differently
There's never a good time to be somebody we aren't. We fall into that trap as we try different things, but in the long run, it never works to be something or somebody we are not. Too stressful and eventually falls apart.
As the old saying goes, "Be you. Everyone else is taken"
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Right, Ellie... not ready. I'm so happy for you that you have that. I love it and think of it often. There are opportunities out there for me.. when I'm ready. Hopefully someone will be ready for this!
Sooo... a couple of things made me smile today... first.. my kids and I hung out for awhile this afternoon. We had tears rolling we were laughing so hard. I love that. It's totally our personality.. it was good to have that.
Then, uR... your post made me smile ear to ear! Thank you! You confirmed how I felt and I knew it was OK to feel how I feel. I mean, it is such a messed up sceniro and sitch, dealing w mlc, that I often question my own intent and feelings... I know they are real and genuine, but I don't want to be totally crazy! Thank you for confirming that this is a real crazy-train of emotions. Right now... keep pushing through... forward!
AJ... I totally agree... you guys are saying the same thing.. just differently. Appreciate yourself and what you can bring to a partnership... to blend together.
) 
