Recoup

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Mighty,

How did the divorce degree leave ownership of the house? In mine wife has to sign deed over to me even though she will be on the mortgage for several more years. I hope this was addressed in some way.

[Matt165]

Actually you are doing him a favor. Even after D, if the deed has his name on it, he is responsible for paying the taxes, no matter where he lives! You have every right to send him the bill and he pay for half! He is the one who is being an "@ss". If he's going to play house with a girl old enough to be his D and D his W, he needs to know how the process works!

Don't let it get to you Mighty, people like him always think that they are getting screwed....he knows he screwed you so he expects it in return!

[Mighty]

Hey LT. In the settlement, I have to refinance the mortgage into my name only and xh has to sign the deed over to me. But, he said he wont sign it over until the mortgage is out of his name. Which cannot be done until the renovations are complete. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. But, he said today he would sign the paper, so we will see. I know the issue of paying for it will come up. Initially he even said he would help pay the closing cost of refinancing the mortgage... well... we know how that will work out. It wont.

Hey Matt! I've missed you, buddy! I've been thinking about you and hope you are well. How's the new job?

You are right, Matt. He does always think he is getting screwed and is always looking to screw someone over before they can do it to him. I have not done one thing- at all- this whole time that is vindictive, out of spite, in anger, or anything like that. In fact, there are things he still owes me which I haven't made a big deal of. Actually- haven't made any deal of.

Yet, he cries poor about everything. Even though everything was his choice. And is so angry when it comes to monetary things. That is the only thing that still gets him fired up. It was the reason for his monstering- all through the settlement (and would call the next day and apologize.)

Whew. I am so glad that I have been calm and steady through that. I know that I have not been greedy or selfish in any way shape or form. (HWW on the other hand was ALL about that. In fact, it was after she found out she would get less from xh bc my kids are considered "primary" and her percentage comes after that, that I believe she started trying to reel him back in. Prior to that, she was separating everything.) Oh well, as far as I'm concerned- they are each others problem.

I just want everything settled on my end once and for all- then peace out!

And I have got to find a way to not let those interactions get me fired up.

[Lifes Twists]

Was it stated in the agreement that when he signed it over was conditional to when you get it refinanced? Was it the courts understanding that the house is not complete and cannot be financed until all inspections are passed? I am in the same boat as you in terms of an house that is not finished. My wife still has to sign it over regardless of when I get it refinanced. If she does not then the lawyers will be involved. You may have to talk to your lawyer to see if some pressure can be placed on him to sign the deed over. If he goes to court I am sure the judge will tell him to sign it and stop taking up the courts time.

[Mighty]

I don't think my papers specify, LT. He said he'd do it. I will give it a (short) amount of time. He does not want me to call my lawyer. If it gets to that point, I am going for everything he agreed to.... post dated.

He will avoid that. I'm sure.

Minor Mighty set-back. Stupid little thing sent me spinning for a min tonight. I'm ok now, but I don't know why stupid things bother me.

First, I had a small electrical fire. I was doing some things in the kitchen. Taking apart some cupboards and trying to remove a long heavy tiled counter. I moved the stove and bumped it into the exposed wires. It's the heavy duty plug (that the extent of my electrical-technical jargon). Well it sent up a HUGE flame, made a loud noise, blew out some lights in the house. There were a couple smaller flames, smoke, and a bad smell. I screamed and watched the smaller flames to make sure they were going out. D14 came running down (her lights upstairs blew) and before I knew it, she was on the phone with xh. I was like..... uuuuuuuuuuuugh. We are fine!!!!!

Xh told her to call if we needed anything or something. Then, a little bit later, d14 told me she tried calling her dad again and he didn't answer (I guess to see if he'd take her to the store??). She texted him that it was an emergency, so he called back. Gave her some bs about how he didn't have his phone, but was in his car. She asked if he'd take her to the store. He said he couldn't bc he wasn't in the area. She asked where, and he said near the mall. She asked if he was in the car with someone, and he got really quite and whispered, yes. She said, "EWW" and hung up (it was on the car's bluetooth).

OK. I don't know why this bothered me so much. I had no idea that it was even happening. I was busy taking apart an extremely heavy counter! But, when she told me, I could tell she was bothered. And it really bothered me too. This stupid couple... please.

But I know this... First, I have what is important. My amazing kids. And, that shallow "couple" has nothing really worth value to give each other. Nothing that is worth any effort. I know he does not really laugh with her. I know that they have a superficial relationship and they both get off on material things. Sound like a fun night? Boring shopping? No. At least xh and I would laugh and have fun. She's not funny. She is too into herself. So is he. So I am not going to let it bother me. I am sure she was all bent out of shape about d14. Just like she cried and became a victim of s18. Even after she said "They will be fine." With what they were doing. Really? How'd that work out? And since they aren't she talks crap like there is something wrong with my kids and she is a victim. She has xh console her from my kids. Ha! Have fun, buddy! He is going to save her from the world!

OK. I've gotten it out, and I am leaving it here.

D14 is having some friends over. We had fun setting up her room with some special lighting! (We hung strings of lights in her dormers)

I've had a group of guys offer to come an help with the kitchen. And one of my friends who offered has rallied a couple of his friends, one of them is an electrician. Oh man, I hope this comes through. I am going to try to get as much ready as I can to get the ball rolling.

I got some done tonight, but I did get distracted. Damn you, Forrest! You know, I think once my kitchen is done, it will be such a relief. Then I can finalize all the paper crap w xh. I can decide to stay or go. I can have people over and do more things, and not be stressed by this crap.

OK, so a step in the right direction. And acknowledgement that although I am alone tonight. And xh is off shopping with his adulteress... I know that I will be happy in the long run. He must feel shameful to have to have that convo with d14. I know that it wouldn't be like that- EVER- with me. My kids want me to find someone and be happy ("A real man" says d14.) You know, that kid does not say much about it, but when she does... she makes a lot of sense. And her few words have a lot of meaning. And.... try as they may.. they will not find happiness. Me... on the other hand... I am a work in progress. I will not jump into anything that I have uneasy feelings about, that I'm not ready for, that I am ashamed of. Whew! I am coming home. I am bringing it home! I am.... dang... I cant wait to finish my home! See... my home and I are one in the same. Under construction. We will be GLORIOUS some day! Ha. I'm so dumb.

[AJM]

AJ! Well.... he didn't ask me to stop

Sure he did. At the moment HWW entered the picture. You didn't hear it, it seems. But you do now and that's good enough

And one of my friends who offered has rallied a couple of his friends, one of them is an electrician

One of the things I've been able to witness via this experience is something that I've always known. Life happens, but it seems we always find a way or are given a way, to make things better. Seems this might be yours if it comes through. Reminds of the Beatles, "I get by with a little help from my friends." Maybe without the drugs though

You are not dumb by any stretch of the imagination. Just have things to deal with that you'd prefer not to. Keep that perspective, Mighty. Look on the bright side of things - you know where things stand. You know it hurt. You know it hurts your kids. But you don't have to guess at any of it. You don't have to wonder, except as to why he will do the nutty things he'll do from time to time.

It's ok to shake your head, smile, and move along. As if you're watching a dog peeing on an electric fence for the third time (get that image out of your mind!)

If you take away the things that he has or is doing, you're left with just...life. Things you have dealt with in the past and things you'll deal with in the future. Some are repeats (electrical, remodeling, etc) and some are new. But all of them you are equipped to handle when you get your mind right.

If you look at as he is gone (he is) then you'll see that for things you used to rely on him for require new solutions. What a nice challenge, when you step back and look at it. And you are more than capable of doing whatever comes up. You have a lot of experience with trying and even failing fast at things. And you've succeeded before and will again.

Because that's who you are. We've seen it before

One thing at a time, Mighty. Be objective and take some of the emotion out of it.

Find a man? I doubt that'll be a problem when the time comes. But I suspect you have enough to do for now, without kissing frogs for a while, right?

One thing at a time, let's take the focus off of ex and that circus, and let's put it toward the things that you can control and the things you find important. Look at yesterday as what happened and not like it still is. One thing at a time...

AJ

[uRworthy]

Hey girl...still being so hard on yourself, my friend. You cant rush this, nor do you want to. You dont want to skip any of the steps because each one is important.

You keep trying to understand crazy and you cant because you're not.

You know what you know about her and about him. Dont let that drive your thoughts or actions.

You be Mighty, in spite of what they do.

You are capable of great things, M. And you are more than capable to get through all of this.

I see you working so hard to do it. I see your strength and your courage.

No need to try to do it all at once, right? It's all a process. Each day building on the last.

Leave them to their foolishness. You keep working on you.

We are rooting for you.

[Mighty]

OK, so it turns out to be a really amazing night! First, I was in contact with an amazing, dear friend (sorry, Shining... calling you out.. and GB, we talked about how we enjoyed our "fun" nights!)

Then... AJ... who just makes me smile ear to ear when I read his posts. Just gets it.. and I get the point.

uR.. I have missed you so much. And you are right. As always!

Yup... I went into a small tail spin. Well.. the tail spins seem large... but are short lived these days.

I am happy. I am good. I know I will be. I have a lot of really good things going for me. For one, I have really good people in my life. Right here. It is a blessing.

And, I feel comfortable in my skin right now. Well... maybe bc I had a glass of wine.. but... at least I'm not crying in my pillow! I'm good!

You guys are great and I appreciate it. I know, uR... no more energy there... right, AJ?! I don't know why I do it. Is it twisted to know that if they are not a "real" or "happy" r, it makes me feel better? I don't even want that. I just want to know that I am good and that is all that counts. OK, I'm headed there! Thanks, you guys. Whew! You make me so much better.

[beatrice]

Is it twisted to know that if they are not a "real" or "happy" r, it makes me feel better? I don't even want that. I just want to know that I am good and that is all that counts.

I don't get the sense that you want them to be unhappy in an unkind way. What MLC causes many of us to do is to doubt everything about ourselves. MLC behaviour is emotionally abusive because it belittles, trivialises and puts down the person who until that time had been the centre of the MLCer's life

It is cruel: all abandonment is cruel because it strikes at the heart of our security and sense of self.

How could a person who does that and a person who encourages it form a healthy and happy relationship?

I believe that woven into our mental DNA is a sense of story, a sense of justice, and a sense of the rightness of things triumphing.

It isn't naive, or childish - it is human

We can talk all we wish about owning our own feelings, workng on ourselves, letting go, and so on. Great mental disciplne, and it does help us. I am not disagreeing with this, about the need to own our own feelings. But it doesn't help our inner story in the short term. That is what we have to gradually reshape - and initially a triumphant self needs to triumph over the villain.

When we no longer define them as the villain, but as sad and damging people who damage others, we have reshaped it.

I am so glad that these good people stepped up to the plate for you both in the real and virtual world. You deserve this.

Recently my xh said how glad he was that there had been good people in my life!! No sh*t

[Lifes Twists]

Mighty,
I am not sure why you have exposed wiring. The big plug is because it is two hundred and twenty volts. You are very lucky it did not weld itself together and really set the house on fire. I hope you have turned the breaker off to the stove if there is exposed wiring. This needs to be corrected and I would suggest you get and electrician in to repair it or move it if you are moving the stove location in your remodel.