Recoup

[BrightFuture]

Happy Birthday to S18! My son turned 27 this month… This was something for me to reflect on, LOL.

Looks like you xh has started the second round of house of cards. It is like, there was a new R with hww, all wonderful and exciting, and then it went down… Not new anymore… Then there was a new baby, all wonderful and exciting… You see where I’m going…

[Mighty]

Hey Bright! Yeah, I see where you are going. I do think he has a while yet before all that shine starts to dull again. But he is definitely all over the map.

So, s17 has been testing me a little since xh has burrowed himself back into the tunnel. S17, ahem, s18's recovery time is much quicker to get him to come around, but he is exhibiting definite anger. D14 has taken this second round much harder than the first. I think they are used to xh not being around, but there is some stuff happening inside for sure... it's all starting to seep out.

Anyway, s17 was texting me today and trying to see how far he could push me. I drew a line and stepped out of the conversation. He was definitely trying to cross it. I just became so overwhelmed and frustrated. Here I had xh all down my throat yesterday via text. I knew if I didn't let him know what was up w s18, he'd throw it in my face. However, I did not feel that it would even be helpful. I could really USE his help, but not this nonsense of a "discussion" then disappearing. I am just so frustrated by it all. And he walked out again, and now I'm picking up more pieces.

I was really ticked about it and not sure what to do. But, I composed myself, took my personal emotions out of it, and called him and calmly told him what was going on.

As I was about to hang up, xh started pushing the conversation more.... "Well, is that it?" and things like that. I was like, what do you mean? About what? He said, I don't now, s18.

I said, No, but honestly, I thought the conversation was counterproductive. That I was frustrated bc I didn't think that it was helpful to even talk to him about it, and that I only had to deal with him too. That he can have a 5 minute discussion with them, and drop them off, but I am the one who is there 24/7, making the decisions and doing the hard part every day. That he came riding in on a horse to save the day and then bailed again, leaving me to pick up the pieces, again. That he f'ed the kids up even more, and now d14 is really taking it hard this time. He was going to focus on the kids, but it is pretty difficult when he is in bed with a __________.

OK, so... I did not intend to say any of that. And, I'm not exactly sure what I said... but something along those lines. He didn't say a word, just let out a sigh of frustration. I know it wasn't right... but I don't even care. And he wanted to hear more. Maybe its what he wanted from me. Maybe I fell right into his trap. I don't care. It's not about me. I am so pi$$ed about what he did to my kids. That he kept saying it was about them... but he only had THEM on his mind. Sunday was the first thing he has done with them, really in a month, and the time a month ago, was bc I arranged it. It was a few weeks before that. Really, since the baby came, my kids have been an after thought. Ugh. I am so over it.

Anyway, xh did stop here tonight and s18 went to his truck. Xh gave him a present. Then, s18 said he was going to go to bil with the ps4 to play Madden with his dad. I am glad about that.

Maybe he heard what I said? Who knows. But, whatever. I just don't want my kids to feel abandoned or like leftovers.

I am so tired. I only slept an hour last night. It is going to be an early one tonight! (I hope)

[Mighty]

I guess 45 min w s18 is better than none. Just like a teenage brain... Who wants to hang w family when your girlfriend is waiting for you? C'mon, xh.... Silly rabbit. Tricks are for kids!

[Mighty]

Feeling pretty pi$$ed off. Nothing in particular triggered it. But it is increasing with time. Not exactly sure what to do with it. I don't know what good the anger does, sit it festers.

Part of that is me. I am supposed to be growing and finding myself. But I feel like I am losing myself. The best parts of me has vanished. That ticks me off! I'm fun, energetic, and funny (at least I crack myself up). But those qualities seem to be gone! I'm aggravated by that, but I don't think I have anyone to blame but myself for that part.

I'm just mad. Really mad. I know there are "outlets" but I don't think it's gonna work. How long will I feel like this? It's all inside. It's not like I'm acting like a rageing lunatic, that's all festering inside... Lucky me. I'm just more- there. Physically. Non- emotional, I suppose. What happened to me that I feel so.... Gone?

What a stinkin pity party. I don't want that. Not at all... Which is why I tend to stay to myself. It stresses me out to be around people sometimes. Partly bc I'm embarrassed of who I've become.

I want to be better, but I just don't know how. I'm even sick of the same old song. I don't want people to worry, and id rather be left alone.

Then I realize how lonely I actually am. I have always been such a people person. LAst night I realized that after work, the only people I talked to were my kids. I went to bed feeling pretty sad about that. It's like I'm waiting for life to happen. But I am conscientious that life will happen, but what happens to me is up to me! Thats a lot of pressure.

Whatever. Life is hard. I get it. I am trying to make good decisions, be a good person, have faith, and find my way. Maybe I'm not doing enough of the hard stuff. Maybe I am really missing something... Something I am avoiding?

It's like I am spinning my tires. It has been a year and a half since the initial bd, and I don't feel like I have gotten anywhere. I have done things, but, that's where my spinning tires come into play. I haven't moved.

Ok. This is just embarrassing at this point. I've really got to figure this out. What I am doing wrong.

[job]

Mighty,
You have every right to be angry. Your xh dropped the bomb a year ago, had an ow, she got pregnant, he's living next door, he attempts to reconcile (so to speak) and now the baby is his and he's as confused as a twirling top that can't stand up straight. He's upset your apple cart, not once, but twice and now you are attempting to find your footing again. Heck yes, you should be angry about how things have gone down...but this is also part of the grieving process and it does take time. I have been sitting here waiting for that angry to appear and you need to get it all out there so that you can feel better. You will notice that this anger will spur you on in the days ahead. Feel that anger and then let it go. Each time you have this happen, you'll move a little bit further on down the road.

Right now, you are finally grieving for the old marriage and yes, what could have been. It all takes time. Be gentle w/yourself and take each day as it comes. No one is expecting you to be happy all of the time and you shouldn't expect yourself to be that way either.

If you want to talk or have someone to email with, Heather has my email address and home number. I would be happy to chat w/you and maybe help you release some of that anger. It's up to you.

Please be gentle w/yourself. You are not a super human and yes, you do have feelings and have been hurt very badly.

Take care.

[Mighty]

job,

Thank you so much. Your post really means a lot to me. I just cant seem to snap out of this. And it is really starting to take a toll. I mean, I think I am getting better, then I don't know what happens to me.

A lot of things are really frustrating me. Including him with his superficial parenting. Acts like he is taking care of everything. (For example, apparently he called the school today bc the bus has been late p/u kids at d14 bus stop. It is freezing out. I didn't even know anything about it. I heard her on the phone with him. He sees her at the bus stop when he takes s18 to school.) Anyway, I'm not at all upset that he called, its just that makes him feel like dad of the year.

Then w/ s18 yesterday, and xh letting him do things after I built up the stamina to call xh and let him know what was going on. He said he would take care of it and let s18 do what I said he couldn't do bc of the disrespect s18 had shown me. That ticks me off. I was so mad about it, I couldn't even talk about it. He swoops in here and there to take them to the movies, let them do what they want, guilt crap... blah, blah, blah....

At least I get my kids. We do have fun together. It has just been a trying time. But, I do think that the three of us do recognize our good times together- and appreciate them.

OK, man did I digress...

So, job, thank you very much. You have been steadfast with your support, compassion, and wisdom. It is very appreciative.

I don't know if being weepy is part of the anger or not, but I feel that too! That's not so normal for me.

I do feel a little better. I am glad to not really have contact. Sometimes it can be difficult, and I would subconsciously question it. Now I think, that if I still allowed him to come around and talk to me... things wouldn't be any different. He would be taking advantage of me. Using things at the house, "acting" friendly, but still spend the night there. No thanks.

As I was leaving for work this morning... trudging through the snow to get to my car. Xh had just arrived at bil to get ready for work (blah). I was thinking about how little responsibility he has. I mean, I know he is "dealing" with a lot. And I am sure hww has him getting up with the baby through the night (I notice he stays there all the time since hww is back at work), and.... lemme count the times xh got up with both of my kids.... um... hold on... give me a sec.... umm.. oh. Easy. None.

See how easily I digress! OK, so... Mr. Responsibility. I mean.. really, he grabs food wherever it is available. He does not have to shovel or do any of that kind of house work, he just kind of exists. You know.. .the two mortgage guy, with no permanent home. Well.. I am just glad that I am no longer allowing him to take advantage of me. Nope. I made his lunches for him every day last year, even after he moved out (bc he came to the house to p/u s18). I realized after, I was still making them for him around the time hww got pregnant. AND! I was doing it for awhile when he moved into bil!

During a conversation once, I asked him if hww made his lunches for him. He said no. He told me that she didn't make a lunch bc, "She would never eat that stuff." He would make his own and she would eat out every day. (Yes, and he "financially f-ed her" Honestly, she is set financially. Her x gives her more than enough to cover their mortgage, her mom babysits for free, she gets support from xh, and she has a decent paying job. But, she is constantly harassing both of them for more $) Oh well...none of that bothers me. Just a fun fact for the day.

I have to make a few more arrangements for the vaca next month. I will work on that this week or weekend. I plan on taking the cupboards down in the kitchen this weekend, too. The roof is actually starting to leak in the "finished" yet soon to be "gutted" part of the kitchen. I mean... like all over. It isn't even an old roof. It's fairly new. OMG. It's just humorous at this point... right?????

Oh man, I feel like I am all over the place tonight.

***job, thank you!******

[Georgiabelle]

Mighty,

You are so strong! Job is 100% as usual. Take care of you. Sending you a hug:)

[Mighty]

Thanks, GB. I need that hug tonight! BTW... you sound amazing... in your hot @ss pants!

[beatrice]

Mighty - I cannot believe that you made your XH's frigging lunches last year. Wow. I would have put rat poison in them.

Now, they do have to try and play dad of the year, because deep down they know they are not.

And two mortgages and no home? Oh that sounds like a good idea.

Please Mighty, disengage. As Job has posted - they sacked us as wives. Don't hang around and sweep up after him. He is conflicted.
He is selfish and self centred right now. He has done a stupid thing and fathered a child with a young woman who can't keep her knickers on. He even doubted the paternity. How would you have felt if your xh had asked you for a paternity test. I would have been so outraged that I would have changed the locks! (After assaulting him in a painful place) OK the assault is fantasy, but the locks would have been changed.

What a piece of work they both are. Be glad you are not legally tied to him.

Fwiw I think your xh will work through this, but you need to step right away and let him and his gf get on with it, while you smile sweetly and enjoy the show. It is all smoke and mirrors, not the real thing.

Drop the rope as much as you can. You are one strong woman.

[AJM]

Might. Did you think it would be easy sailing to remove him from your life? Takes a lot of work. The kind of work you've put into other areas of your life over time. Persistent, sometimes back-breaking, laborious...work to one thing at a time remove them from your life. It starts slow and picks up speed.

See how easily I digress! OK, so... Mr. Responsibility. I mean.. really, he grabs food wherever it is available. He does not have to shovel or do any of that kind of house work, he just kind of exists. You know.. .the two mortgage guy, with no permanent home. Well.. I am just glad that I am no longer allowing him to take advantage of me. Nope. I made his lunches for him every day last year, even after he moved out (bc he came to the house to p/u s18). I realized after, I was still making them for him around the time hww got pregnant. AND! I was doing it for awhile when he moved into bil!

So if I may, perhaps your way of showing love is to action things for others? i.e. your way of showing you cared, was to make his lunch or maybe mail some letters for him or wash a shirt?

I think that's very sweet and commendable, Mighty. But since he asked you to not do that, I suggest you'll have to consciously stop that on all fronts with him. What he also may have done or be doing is regretting that things are this way and misses you doing those little things for him. Or anyone doing those little things for him.

But he did ask for things to be this way. You do need to respect that. And you do need to remove him from your immediate life. It's making you a little mental, right?

I think you've also learned enough to know that he can't be counted on to parent the kids. The man who was previously a father to the kids is absent. Gone missing. Can't be counted on. Time for mom to step up and do what needs to be done without expectation of him doing anything even slightly helpful.

Look, it s*cks. It wasn't what you asked for. It wasn't what you deserved. But it happened. You tried all you could and let's face it, he f'd up and made some poor choices (for reasons we'll never know).

Now its time to gather yourself together, say goodbye to the old life and man you knew, and get back on the trail. Somewhere in this world, there's a person that's missing out on you and all you have to offer as a partner (in crime).

Elephants are best eaten in pieces. Focus on dealing with one issue at a time, Mighty. Pick one thing that is bothering you, and exclude the rest until you've dealt with it and can put it to rest.

And remember that strength isn't like what you see in the movies. It's not about putting on a brave face and saying the right quip or smart thing when faced with something. That's more about grace and dignity. Strength is doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done because you are in that situation. Strength is about getting back up after falling, as many times as it takes. Strength is about seeing beyond the immediate and moving toward that future.

AJ