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Ggrass #2541158 02/22/15 05:22 PM
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Mighty Offline OP
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Hey 2B... No only do I not want him to see me sweat, I don't want him to see me!

G- sounds like a form of meditation. After the game yesterday, the team was taking a picture on the court. Parents were going out to snap a pic. I was bracing myself bc I had a feeling xh was going to go over there... and put him right in front of me again. So, I braced myself. And, he did. I prayed. I prayed really hard. It kept me calm. I didn't move or flinch. I just prayed. It got me through. But, I have to be prepared for when I see him.

Mighty #2541165 02/22/15 05:54 PM
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I am still finding mornings so difficult. I don't know what the heck it is. I have got to figure out a way to make it better in the morning.

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. And after the basketball game last night, I took d14 and 4 other girls "night sledding". It was pretty late, but they had so much fun. They were the only ones there.

I was thinking how nice it was to help these girls create these memories.

Then, morning comes. Its is the same dark, dreadful feeling every day. I remember I used to wake up every day, excited for what was to come. I loved my life, I loved my job, I was a happy camper.

I just wrote a list of things that has happened in the past 20 years. Things that xh has done to me which have been really hurtful. It may seem unfair, but if I am honest, xh has done some things over the years which are really, really mean. It wasn't often. It was sporadic. Nothing to the extent of now... but... maybe they were signs of what was to come? I never really focused on these things, bc I knew that xh had some demons inside that he was trying to fight. I gave him a pass. I knew that he had childhood wounds which affected him greatly. Overall, things were good. Like I said, I was happy with my life. But, these things were very hurtful. And things I would never, ever allow back into my life again.

I wrote them down today. It is not a tally sheet. Not to keep score, or anything like that at all. I think I have just always had a tendency to gloss over these very hurtful things. But, I remember them. I was able to come up with a list pretty easily. I never threw them in xh's face or used them against him at all. My focus was always on making things better. But, there were easily accessible to me this morning.

I guess my thinking was that if I am able to see things more clearly, factually, without excuses or emotion, maybe I can move on easier. I can call a spade a spade.

I just keep feeling, in a way, that I was really controlled... like more than I know. Maybe it is just the abandonment. I don't know. But, this internal fear I have, which I seemed so oblivious to. Maybe not. I don't know. I don't want it to seem like it was awful or scary, bc it wasn't like that. I was like, just these roles we were in. And, I never went outside of that role. I know it wouldn't be good. I know xh was insecure about a lot of things. He would never admit that before. But, I do know that it comes from childhood abandonment, verbal and physical abuse.

And it wasn't until recently that he admitted how horrible feeling insecure is. We were having a pretty honest talk about it. I was telling him how I now understood those feelings of abandonment and how I had never experienced such insecurity before. How I had never even been insecure before, but it was the worst feeling. He actually agreed and admitted it. He has never, ever admitted such a thing.

OK, so anyway. This really wasn't supposed to be about him. It is about me and how I get past this part. Seeing things that I no longer will allow in my life... I am hoping will help me let go- totally.

Right now, this is what I see: an accumulation of all of those things on the list, smacked together, to create the person he is now, with nothing else to offer. It is like that, the errors of his past, have become the only character traits he has to offer. It is now who he is, like it is a full time job and he is working overtime.

I think if I remember the hurt I felt when those things happened, and instead of giving it a pass, realizing that that is all he is right now, I think it will really keep me from trying to figure out everything.

I do think it has gotten worse. It makes me sad, but more than anything, it makes me want to stay so far away.

And the funny thing is, that he really does not get that I want him away. It is all like a game to him. All of his thoughts are so calculated.

Recently we were having a discussion about things that had happened over the summer, and that I had driven past him when he was headed to his house and I turned around and followed him. I said NO WAY! (and that never happened!) I said that, first, I couldn't even go anywhere near that house (even when he was in the apt b4 living w hww, I would take a detour so I didn't have to go past the road!) I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him and that situation. That whenever I would get a text or email or anything, I didn't want it. (I am such a bad example for db). I didn't want to communicate with him. He said, "REALLY?!" and was so surprised. I thought he knew since I stayed as far away from him as possible, I would not even look in his direction, and I NEVER contacted him about anything. I usually ignored his communication, unless necessary. And he was shocked! OMG! Now, who knows... who cares.

Mighty #2541168 02/22/15 05:59 PM
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Mighty,

I want you to count the days since you sent your Declaration of Independence email to Bonebrain. How long has it been?

I KNOW, if the tables were reversed, you would remind me to give this time.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2541171 02/22/15 06:05 PM
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12 Days, 1hr, 14 minutes (no joke)

And I have followed through with my word to him.

LoisB #2541173 02/22/15 06:09 PM
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Grief from abandonment is very different than grief from death...there's a lot of rejection, longing for what was (real and imagined) and self-doubt...along with the grief of losing a person and dream.

Treat this recovery like you would if your ex had committed suicide. He chose to leave you and that leads to a whole gamut of feelings that take time to work through.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2541177 02/22/15 06:12 PM
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Let's say he was in a coma from a suicide attempt. You had a brief glimpse when he sorta reawakened...then he tried to off himself again.

Let him do himself in...allow yourself to gently recover...and that means feeling all the crapola until it's gone. TAKES TIME :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2541209 02/22/15 08:37 PM
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It does take time Mighty. It took me a long time to get over the abandonment. The first year was the worst. Facing each occasion one by one. The first Christmas after we split up my kids were coming for dinner so they came in the afternoon. It was the first Christmas morning I woke up alone in over ten years. The only thing that helps is time. Time to heal, time to change so the memory of the last holiday is not one with your ex.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Karma12 #2541220 02/22/15 08:57 PM
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Yes time is the only thing to take away the stench. I mean we all do lots of things to cope but time helps quell that heart wrenching grief into a more manageable sort of melancholy.

It is totally normal to feel salt in those fresh wounds.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



123Gwen #2541369 02/23/15 01:03 PM
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I guess it is a form of snippets of kinds of stuff yoga mediation mindfulness.

I ain't no raving greenie tho, raving perhaps but no hippie commune greenie! grin

It's more about flipping that switch in your head when you want and not just going with.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Ggrass #2541790 02/24/15 03:22 PM
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Hey Gwen, karma, heather & g!

Time is on my side! The good thing about lbs... We are able to use the time starting at the bottom and work up. Poor mlcer a have an entire tunnel to dig through befor they can start to climb up.

I am doing much better. Think I'm re hitting some anger stage. My stages are a little different this time around. However, it's like a pinball machine inside me, and every time the ball hits, I feel a different emotion. Yet, overall- much better.

All the details and nonsense don't consume me. I just don't care anymore. It's like I just dropped it all, like dead weight.

Observation...
Haven't had much contact w xh. Since I made it clear I am not engaging in petty or unnecessary communication, I think he is having a hard time coming up with anything to communicate about. Or- he doesn't want to. I don't know, but either way, I prefer nothing.

He stayed at bil last night. I got a text from him ranting about something with s17. Something he is complaining about... Which if here were at the house I would engage in a discussion, but it is pointless. He sees the kids for "fun" things when he wants. He has no "home" to take them to. No real impact on child rearing other than "having a talk" then dropping them off.

I didn't see the text for a few hours, as it was charging in my room. The kids and I spent the afternoon & evening together and I wasn't going to be distracted. I read it at like 2:30 this morning. I did not respond. It's not necessary.

This morning I was running late. Xh was in the driveway waiting for s17 as he takes him to school. When I was going to my car, I actually waved. He yelled out if s17 was up. I say yes and that he has to move bc I was leaving. He yelled out again, this time agitated, if s17 was up. I said, yes, and that I answered him, and to pls move.

He did and that was that. But for someone restarting a fancy r, you'd think he'd be a little happier.

Oh well, not my gig. I've got me on my mind.

Oh... S17 is officially s18 today! Yikes! That one is hitting me!!! I can't believe it.

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