Last nigh was the kids' birthday party with the family. Xh's absence was a huge void in my heart. It was something we have done every year for 18 years with family (minus two now with xh). And, we always worked so well together on that day. And, there was always such a strong connection between us on that day. Being surrounded by family, celebrating both of our children, in our home. It was always one of my favorite days. His absence was very evident, and it was like I would look expect him to be there, and turn around and remember he wasn't.
But, we made it through. We still had a nice time. My family is made up of a bunch of jokesters.
It weighed heavily on my heart this morning. But, I am finding that all the rest, I seemed to have let go. I am now mourning the loss of my husband. He is gone and I miss him.
Mighty - it is these events that my xh now misses and wants back!!
But the good thing (for us) is that we get together and have a great time without him. To the extent that the children don't really want him back at these things: they say 'too awkward after all of this time' 'weird'. It is a sad mess.
You will be fine. Your xh not so much. I have said this before, I know.
Bea is right...you will be fine in time. It's one step at a time, one day at a time. As for your xh, he's not a happy camper and will regret all that he has done when he begins to wake up and realizes all that he's missed out on and continues to miss out on. However, he is the one that has to find a way to repair the relationship w/his children. Is he strong enough to do that? Time will tell.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Im sorry it made you sad not to have your xh there for your daughter's birthday. If I am honest, it still makes me a bit sad at holidays and other milestones for my son.
I know it isnt what you want for your family, M, but its what you got unfortunately.
So, my son and I make new memories and new traditions. It is different. But different doesnt have to mean bad.
In time, the pain will no longer be searing. It will become just a dull ache that you feel from time to time.
That is part of the process. Remember that you set the tone for your kids. If they see that you are ok, they will be, too.
So, feel it, then when you are ready, let it wash over you.
Life is constantly fluid. It changes, and so must we.
The thing is that though it doesnt feel like it, you have a lot of power here.
You get to control who you become, how you act, what you learn. You get to figure out your life's purpose.
Mighty,,this was the 1st year without your XH there, so it was hard to be expected.
Maybe for a next family event that XH usually attended, try to mentally prepare in advance, find other ways to celebrate or add to the event to make up for him not being there.
Like VDAY was hard for me, so I gave myself all types of rewards, it was still hard but not as hard as it would have been had I not had a plan.
My bday next month, Im planning something every single weekend, to keep myself GAL and to make sure I dont feel like "oh is me" if H does not plan anything for my bday (which Im not expecting)
So try that for the next holiday, or family event.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
OK, successful day. It kind of feels like DAY 1 of my new life or something.
I am not sure how to explain it, or what my exact feelings are. But I think for a long time, I was really scared to truly let go of xh. I mean, really. I had accepted his situation in the summer the best I could. He was in a different life. But, I couldn't help but think he got so caught up and felt trapped and didn't want that life. And, he did admit that. However, now, he is making a choice. And, so I can say- well- he didn't do it bc he was trapped. He is making a conscious decision (as conscious as he thinks) to be there.
OK, so now, I am letting go. I have been doing a little more reading on this subject, and see that there is hope for me. (I know, you have all told me) And I'm also realizing that maybe things weren't as rosy as I made them out to be. Not that it was bad, by any means. In fact, I did love my marriage and life. But I now have the opportunity to fix myself, focus on myself, and reassess every tiny aspect of my life. And do exactly as uR stated above.
I feel better. I care less about xh's sitch. You know, at the beginning of the week, I kept getting those little lame texts from xh. It was to keep me spinning. It's a control tactic on his part. If he really cared how I was doing or anything, he could get off his arse and come find out. Not send some pathetic little text. But, there is really no sincerity... only selfishness.
Clarity!
And since Wednesday, D14's bday, and I told him to make his own plans, he is really throwing a tantrum. I have heard nothing and he has not even been around bil at all. Not that I've seen, but I really haven't paid much attention. I can see... a real tantrum. Like, I will show you. I think it is so lame. I think it is so pathetic. It does not bother me. But, how happy can they be living like that?
I had a good day. There was a basketball tournament at the school. (All of the games were super close and a couple went into overtime.) My niece has been here since yesterday and is staying until tomorrow. After d14 game, her team went to lunch. My niece and I went. The kids had a great time. (I had a nice convo with her coach...who mentioned he knew hww... from a couple yrs ago when she was in high school... BARF! He said, "What's your husband doing messin' with that young girl?" I said, "What's he doing messin' with ANY girl?!") But we just laughed it off...
Picked up s17 and his friend and we all went to the games tonight. It went into overtime. D14 had to video tape it with my niece. S17 was with his friends, and I was volunteering there. Even though we were in different locations, I thought about how nice it was to all be there together, doing our thing, but to know each other were there. And how xh is missing out... and pouting over there. Happy times, bud... enjoy it. I know we are!
Kids are home now hanging with their friends. I do wish I had someone here with me, but it feels good to just get out and be around people again. I've been hibernating a little bit. Or... a lot a bit.
We go back tomorrow for more games, and I am looking forward to it.
Oh, and thank you bea, job, uR, and 2B. It was really nice to check in today and see your posts. As much as it is a good day, I do still feel pretty lonely. It helped hearing from you!
But, there is really no sincerity... only selfishness.
Hang on to that thought! Never sure the extent to which MLCers make choices - they seem like choices to us, but in some strange way they are on a self destructive path. Sounds like letting them off the hook, but when you seem the same patterns over and over again, in such different people, you have to wonder if it is a bit like holding a bi-polar person accountable. But the MLCer goes around breaking everything in sight, and trampling on other people's feelings.
)