Well I'm not sure what this means yet, and yes rpp, we're getting old and forgetful, but you can't remember joy between college and kids?
Really? Have you pulled off the WAS trick of forgetting/rewriting all marital history?
Maybe, Zew. It's certainly one possible coping mechanism. But the first things that came to mind for the between college and kids time frame had to do with grad school, professional certification, the job I had at the time. H wasn't in the forefront of those memories. He was there of course and shared those events with me, but my joy memory wasn't primarily H centered. Maybe that's a re-write. Maybe that's been the issue all along.
I feel similarly. Once in a while I pause from wondering why HE married ME and realize the question of why I married him is just as fair. I'm not sure that's rewriting. I loved him, certainly... But what ELSE drove that decision? Because it is absolutely ok to be in love without getting married. Maybe it's that when I was 24 I didn't realize that was true.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Because it is absolutely ok to be in love without getting married. Maybe it's that when I was 24 I didn't realize that was true.
And I thought it was ok to get M without being in love. I absolutely did love him, felt a great deal of affection and a good amount of sexual attraction. But I knew at the time I wasn't in love. I thought my reasons for getting M were solid even without it. Now I don't know. What a thing to question 25 years later.
Good morning, all. All contact with H yesterday was kid and house related, and he kicked it off. I wonder if this is how he envisioned the S, is this what he wanted, is this what he imagines the rest of our lives to be? Because I think it kind of sukks. It's not even a friendship. I don't have a single friend that I only talk about one topic with. H has become the repairman and the driver/nanny (from my viewpoint, not from my kids viewpoint). Is that what he was after? How can that be better than what we had? At least we talked about other things before, jobs, news, friends. Maybe we weren't sharing emotions and hopes and dreams like healthy M couples do, but good grief, at least it was a friendship. I hope it's something we can get back to with some time, who knows.
So, that's where I am today. In the I don't want to be M but let's be friends camp. I keep cycling back to that, and I think that's the true one. I'm worried that in our end-of-S talk that I'll cry and fall apart and tell him I want him back. And I'm afraid he'll want to file because he's "moving in a different direction." I need to somehow pull myself together in the next couple of weeks, figure out what it is I really want going forward, and how communicate that without a ton of emotion clogging up the message. Some of you have done that well. Any tips?
Hi Rppfl, no tips, sorry. just my point of view but it seems to me that you are not sure waht you want. Is it H you want back or the idea of H ? I am the last to advise on detacthment but the email from him seems to have set you back. Re clogging up your message, plan out what you want to say, say it and listen. Your H seems very confused and anything he hears from you will have to be clear and simple. Again, just my thoughts.
Try to not anticipate your mtg with H too much. Tall order, I know but it only robs you of today. If it gets emotional, so be it. This is a big deal. Just try not to make decisions based on those emotions.
About joy. I can remember telling my IC I couldn't remember being really happy or feeling joy, outside the kids for...ever. As I would come to find out, I was afraid of being really happy because there was sure to be another side to that. The other shoe would drop, unhappiness, pain, sadness. There was always fear attached to joy.
So I tried not to be too happy, stuff my happy emotions in an attempt to stave off the negative stuff. Needless to say, it didn't work.
I thought it was just me but it seems it's quite a common defense mechanism. Until we realize it, we can't change it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
rpp: Could you be rewriting your marital history a little? It is VERY easy to do. It goes both ways. You can rewrite to emphasize the positive or the negative.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
