[BrightFuture]

Didn’t realize my previous thread has over 100 posts.
Here is the link:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2515390&page=1

I’m still trying to let go… And hopefully making a slow, but steady progress…

Nothing much to update. I did some yard work over the weekend and today I’m so sore. I replaced the wood chip beds at the front of the house. Had to remove the old wood chips, remove a layer of dirt, tore down the old landscape fabric, then place the new one and finally top it off with new wood chips. I think every single muscle in my body got worked and now hurts.

This is where I missed the team work on the projects we used to have with H. I definitely could use some help. But... I did it all by myself. It looks great now. I still need to get a couple more bags of wood chips for better coverage, and it will take some more lifting. These bags are heavy. Good work out for my tummy and my arms though, LOL.

RAI, you might be right, and H is trying to compensate for being such a j!rk for the last couple of years. But, I still think he is just super happy right now, after his trip with his drunken, obnoxious crowd.

[beatrice]

Bright - well done on the yard work - and read Job's newest thread on depression if you think your h is happy!

[job]

Bright,
Sounds like you've been doing a lot of "manual" labor over the weekend. Boy, that can take a toll on those muscles that haven't been used for that type of work in a while. I'm sure your place looks refreshed and beautiful. You have a lot to be proud of in the work that you are doing.

Be kind to yourself. Letting go is not a sprint, but a marathon and it will take some time to do so.

[BrightFuture]

Bea, thanks. Yes, I was reading job’s post tread about depression. I will post my thoughts when I have more time. I find more signs in myself though… At least I know what it is.

Job, thank you. Yes, those muscles have not been used, as I haven’t done the yard work for quite some time. As a result, I have a lot to catch up with. The front of the house looks much better. There is still some more work to do. The backyard is a disaster though. I need to get motivated for that part. Or… Hire some help...

I know it is not much approved here, but I did look at H’s FB again yesterday. It seems like he changed the privacy setting, so I was not seeing any updates, until… I became friends with one of his friends. Actually this lady and her H were my friends first. They also have a place at the vacation home, and this is how we met. Anyway, I saw a couple of pictures posted by somebody else with H in them. On one of the pictures he is in the car packed with the women. He is on the back seat and there are three women with him, one of them sitting on his lap. Before, I would get my heart racing by looking at this. This time, I felt NOTHING! OMG, I really felt nothing! He looks so pathetic on this picture.

So, I was waiting until today to see if this feeling of feeling nothing would change. It didn’t! I don’t know what to make out of this yet, but it feels different.

[2BHappy]

Bright...

Dont follow H on FB, we have to avoid "checking" "peeking"..( you just read mine post,,,I dont even know if it was my imagination)

Maybe you still feel nothing cause you are detached and moving on.

All we can do is keep the focus on ourselves.

[123Gwen]

The feeling maybe detachment but time on FB can make that feeling morph into bitterness or sadness in the blink of an eye.

Be careful Bright. Any time spent on him is less time focused on your life.

You deserve only the best.

[BrightFuture]

2BHappy, Gwen, thanks for stopping by. I don’t need my imagination to paint the picture of “old” H, I want the facts. This is what I get from the FB. And it seems to be helping me to detach more. Plus, I think he changed his privacy settings and I don’t see much updates there. Don’t really care. I think I’ve seen enough.

Small update. Got a text from H this morning, saying that he might be coming to town and if there are any tax issues he can take care of. Addressed me by my name… I was very busy at work, so I didn’t reply until I got home. I just replied with the question “business or personal”. Didn’t feel like I wanted to put in the sentence and sugarcoat it. No reply back from him. He is probably partying with the friends, LOL.

I have a feeling that he was trying to avoid the tax subject, but I’ve been silent on that too. I was waiting for him to bring this subject. I know that I’m going to do the taxes anyway, but I also knew that I had time. I was wondering when and if he would ask me. Here we go, LOL.

I don’t feel any emotion about him coming. The only thing I’m kind of thinking about is how my house looks. If he would come into the house with some excuse, while I’m not here… I have a little mess in the house in certain places. I just don’t want him to see that, just like I would not want any stranger to see my mess. Anyway, I will try to clean up a little. But, other than that, my heart is not rushing, I don’t have a knot in my stomach, I’m calm. Sweet!

Not sure what brings him to town. This is a bit different. I’m not aware of any events that he might be coming for. Car oil change? Maintenance? But, he is so determined to live in the vacation home. I’m sure there are places for oil change and maintenance. He better let me know if he wants something from the house… Ahead of time… Maybe he is ready to file for D? Will see…

[Mighty]

Hey Bright! That's great you aren't getting the knot in your stomach or racing heart with h coming to town. That's a good feeling to not be phased. Good for you.

His "partying" will only be fun for awhile, I'm sure. Once he realizes that it really isn't fulfilling anything for him. It's an avoidance. And boy do they love to avoid. Numb. Disengage. Hide. It's one in the same.

But you, my dear, are doing so well. I'm happy you are finding your way, Bright. Kudos to you! Cheers!

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, Mighty. Today I feel a little bit uneasy though. This morning H replied to my message from yesterday where I asked "business or personal". His reply: "either. On my way now". Ha? I didn't even say anything yet about needing his help on taxes. It is kind of awkward.

[Mighty]

Hmmmm... interesting, Bright! Maybe he doesn't know what he wants to meet about... maybe he likes the suspense.... perhaps he doesn't want to say. Who know? But, probably he is looking to engage. Temp check. See where you are after this time.

Be the amazing girl you are. I know you will. Always so composed.. man I have a lot to learn about that!

[BrightFuture]

Mighty, very interesting indeed... I have a lot of time on my hands to analyze, LOL. My H only appears a few times a year, I mean in person, so I have aaaallll this time…

Well, the business taxes are done and filed already. He doesn’t know this, because I didn’t notify him. Most of the business taxes and reports are actually due at the end of Jan. He is a bit too late for that, busy partying.

And, why did the heck he assume that we are doing the personal taxes jointly? I could have already file my own… I didn’t, but still…

Mighty, thank you for the compliments. You have no idea what it cost me to become this composed person you think I am. Actually, I might be this composed person now, just need to change my view on this.

Haven’t heard from him yet. I’m actually expecting my son and his GF for dinner tonight. Need to get busy cooking now…

[123Gwen]

Bright,

Hope you enjoyed dinner with your S & his GF.

I can imagine how off it must be to see H in person. My H has not returned and I wonder if we will ever see him again. I imagine if I do then awkward will be putting things mildly. It has been a long time. It is odd how H acts via text or the occasional phone call that he is just across town. I know it must be hard but try not to think about it too much.

H may just be thinking filing taxes jointly is cheaper. This might be nothing more than that. Hang in there ok?

[beatrice]

Bright - seeing them does get easier. I am still shocked on my occasional meetings with xh at how old he looks and how so obviously life hasn't worked out as he planned.

They lose everything and try and pretend that they are OK. MLC is a b*tch for everyone who gets involved. We grow, but it isn't costless.

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, Gwen. The dinner with my son and his GF was nice. They stayed longer than I expected, but we had some fun. And drunk an extra bottle of wine .

I think the same about taxes. He just tries to save money everywhere possible, because he didn't make much last year. I also think that he is here for a concert or some kind of event.

Bea, same here, things are not working for H as he hoped they would.

So, not a beep from H since that text that he was on his way. I'm curious how he thinks he can help with taxes. Come to my house, go through the files and documents to put the info together? As far as I know the only tax related document that he has is his car registration. I have all the mortgage statements, other financial documents, etc. Will see what he comes up with...

[BrightFuture]

So, my sister called me last night and said “Guess where my H is right now”. He was meeting with my H for a drink. And they ended up to have some dinner. Interesting…

This morning I got a text from H asking me when I would up and around and if there is any mail for him. It was after 10 am, so he remembered that I told him that I’m not available before 10 am on a weekend. He addressed me by name again, LOL.

I replied that there is mail and if he can come in half an hour. So, expecting him in the next few minutes.

[reachingHigher]

"You have no idea what it cost me to become this composed person you think I am. Actually, I might be this composed person now, just need to change my view on this."

Yes, Bright, you are this composed person!

Just peeking in momentarily to say hi! And wanting things to be well for you, my friend

[bustingout]

Hi bright- You sound like you are really doing well- have turned a corner. :-) how was it with H when he came by?

Thinking of you often ((())))

[BrightFuture]

Wow, it is amazing that two people who are piecing posted to me today! I think it is a good sign!
ReachingHigher, Busting, thank you so much for stopping by!

So here is the latest. I got the mail ready for H and I had a couple of questions I wanted to ask, like when he would pick up his two chests that still have some of his stuff in there, and if he would want any parts of the old bedroom (dresses, bed frame) when I replace it with the new one. I’ve been thinking about that for some time now. But, now I feel like I’m actually getting excited about the new bedroom set.

What I didn’t expect though for H to show up with his brother. They both came into the house. So, I had a bunch of thoughts going through my head. He brought BIL in because he didn’t want to face me alone, he wanted to avoid the possibility of me bringing up a conversation (I’m sure our mutual friends gave the info to him that I was considering filing for D or separation), he was testing the waters, etc. There a lot of other thoughts about this, I just don’t know how to express them at the moment. So, if this is his way to avoid any serious conversations, it worked. I didn’t say anything about the chests and the bed. I just didn’t feel like BIL needed to know these kind of details.

While I was handing him his mail he asked me if there was anything important. And, yes there was, a Jury Duty letter. I had a thought to ask him why he didn’t update his voting record and stuff, because he doesn’t live here anymore, but I didn’t. Then there was a Playboy, of course. He said that my son told him that he took the previous issue. I said that I was not aware of that. So, he was like laughing at that, saying that the Playboy is his and how dare my son was to take it. It was all presented as a joke. I think he actually enjoyed the fact that my son took something of his.

Then he asked me if he could take a couple of cassettes with music. He said that the people he came with didn’t have CD player in the car, only the cassette player, which he thought was kind of strange these days. I’m not sure if this is the case, or he just wanted to take these cassettes (relieving his old teenage years?) The interesting part was that he knew exactly were these cassettes were in the house and went straight upstairs to pick them up. He took a few, I didn’t see which once.

He asked me about the car insurance. I told him that I haven’t received the bill yet. He asked me again to let him know the numbers before I pay it, because he wants to see if he can reduce the coverage. I told him that there is probably no way to reduce it even more, because he already changed it to liability only last year. He didn’t remember that. Ha, MLC brain…

Then he asked about the taxes and what I wanted to do. I told him that it was up to him whether he wanted to file separately or jointly. He told me that he didn’t make much money last year, and if it would make sense for him to file separately. I told him it would not matter in our case, at least what I was told (we are still legally M and live in a community property state.) He then said that it is ok to file jointly. I told him that in this case I need his car registration (as tax deduction) and any interests from the bank accounts. Apparently, he didn’t have the car registration on him! What!? I though he came to help me to do the taxes? He then processed to the kitchen to look for a pen (again, he knew exactly where he could find one) to write this down because he would not remember it after… BTW, the bank statement was in the mail that he just picked up. I didn’t say anything…

I was chatting with his brother meantime. When everything was addressed, BIL said that they were now heading “to play in the rain”. I assumed that he was taking about golfing, and asked him about it. He said no, there are going to do some other things. I guess it is a secret, LOL.

My BIL gave me a hug when he came in and when he left. No hug from H. Not that I expected, just an observation.

[BrightFuture]

Decided to split this into the second post. Sorry for the long posts. The H “sightseeing” is only happens like 2-3 time a year.

So, here is what I observed and learnt:

- H didn’t drive by himself, came here with some people (probably a couple of his friends from vacation home). This is unusual, because H always wanted to be in control of him moving around places and not being dependent on other people. It is like he knew I was going to ask him to pick up more of his stuff (chests).

- I think he is staying at his brother’s though.

- The tax thing was just an excuse (not sure for what though)

- He arranged to meet with my other BIL yesterday (sister’s H.) Wanted to connect? Catch up on the family stuff? Test the waters? (I’m going over to my sister’s for dinner tonight, maybe I will learn something.)

- Apparently he is doing something with his brother. Connecting? Catching up? Not sure what happened with BIL’s GF. Not sure if she is still in the picture. If she is, then this is kind of remarkable, because it’s been a long time since H and his brother did something together, like a guy things, you know.

- He brought his brother in with him to my house. I guess he is not hiding anymore about some affairs that we still have together, like the car insurance, taxes. I thought he didn’t want anybody to know about that kind of stuff. I could have been wrong all along. Also, was he trying to avoid a possible talk?

- H thought yet about something else to pick from the house (cassette tapes), LOL.

- He didn’t bring any of the D or separation subjects. Talked about car insurance and other stuff like business as usual.

So, something to digest. I’m looking at it from the outside observer point of view. Just observing the behavior. I’m glad he stopped by today and didn’t drug it through the weekend. I can enjoy the rest of my weekend without warring about when I would need to be home for him to come over.

[BrightFuture]

Yesterday was not a good day for me in terms of emotions running me down. I went to a baby shower to one of my neighbors and then to my sister’s for dinner.

The most difficult moment at the baby shower was the moment when the expecting couple was opening the gifts. The husband was sitting next to his wife and looked like he was excited about the whole thing, about the expectant baby and everything that went with it. I could not help but to feel sad for myself. I never had something like that. My son’s father was never present, I don’t even think he realized that he became a parent. He was very selfish. My current H never liked small kids specifically. So, I had nobody to share the joy of having a kid with.

I was sitting there, thinking how much I would love to start over and find me a right husband and have a loving normal family. Too late now…

Then I went to my sister’s for dinner and found the info about my BIL and H’s night out. He told me that there were three of them, my H, his brother and my BIL (sister’s H). Here are the things I found out:

H came to the city because his friends were coming for whatever business they needed to do and used an opportunity to catch a ride with them. Still kind of strange. It’s like he wanted to use this opportunity to catch up with “old friends”, if you can call my BIL and his brother that. Also, maybe wanted to see me? OK, not going there…

H talked about my son and how he is pleasantly surprised how my son turned out, how he has everything together, working full time and going to school, paying his bills, etc. (Yeah, no kidding, this is my son, takes after his Mother!)

H told my BIL about how he has changed, specifically talking about the fact that he has a smart phone now and that he is on Facebook. No kidding…

H mentioned how broke he is in terms of money, but he is hopeful that this year will be better for him (he was hopeful last year too, but it turned out to be worse than previous), and how hard it is to pay for the mortgage (condo.)

He also said something about his brother’s GF when his brother went to the bathroom. Like she is not going to last much longer, and his brother is going to boot her off. My sister’s H said that when he went to pick my H and his brother, he sensed that the GF was not quite happy about all of them going out on a Friday night especially. This GF has been around for the second year now, which is unprecedented for my BIL (H’s brother.) Well, he broke his knew cup last year and could not drive and even walk, so she was taking care of him. I guess now she started to put some restrictions and rules in the house, and BIL is not quite happy about that. Interesting part is that my H didn’t like her from the beginning (even last year when he first met her.) This is kind of strange, because she is (was) one of these easy going girls that my H would like to hang around with.

Sorry for the long post again. Just needed to get it out, so I could process all these different thoughts in my head.

[AJM]

Hey Bright, now that you've had a chance to process, how goes it?

AJ

[BrightFuture]

Hey AJ, funny you asked. I was just about to post about that.

So, today I’m still processing the events from this weekend. Even though I was prepared for H’s visit and thought that I didn’t care, it still shook me off a bit. I realized that there was a little bit of hope deep inside to see something positive. This little tiny hope came to the surface and now I feel like there is a battle going on inside of me. This little hope is fighting with the feelings of disgust and disappointment about what H has become.

Then, I’ve been having these thoughts again, that H is not in MLC. It is just who he is and always has been, I just didn’t see it clearly enough. My BIL (sister’s H) told me that H looked and behaved normal, with the exception of the remark about the smart phone and Facebook.

H seems to understand where he is in life, he is enjoying his life, having fun, meeting with people… He looked normal to me too when I saw him the other day. So, maybe this whole MLC thing is just in my head to keep my hope alive. And there is nothing wrong with H, he is not in crisis, it is just H stopped loving me because I was just not good enough for him. Notice, I said “good enough for him”, meaning he just needs a different person to be his companion and soul mate. That is all it is.

Oh, forgot to mention my thoughts about H’s comment that he has changed. 2 years ago one of his reasons that our M would never work was that “people just don’t change”. He meant that he could not see me changing from that “negative” person he said I was to someone who could be fun to be with again.

[123Gwen]

Bright- I can totally relate to wondering if MLC is the reason H left me or was I just not worthy of being married to after 25 years? Honestly I believe MLC is the catalyst and very real. It is also easy to use the label MLC as an excuse for bad behavior or as a reason to hang onto the M rather than focus on ourselves.

I think I love my H enough to let him go and now I am trying to love myself enough to quit giving him any energy (negative or positive). All my effort and time and emotion is best spent on the present and with the people in my life now. The heart of DBusting is saving yourself and that is never more true when dealing with MLC.

Bright, it's been a bumpy road and you've come a long way but your posts seem to imply you still have expectations. Try to let them go and free up some room in your heart for something even better to reside there.

You didn't imagine your M or your truth. Hope is not a bad thing if you don't use it as an excuse to shy away from living an independent life.

[AJM]

What Gwen said and then some.

Oh, forgot to mention my thoughts about H’s comment that he has changed. 2 years ago one of his reasons that our M would never work was that “people just don’t change”. He meant that he could not see me changing from that “negative” person he said I was to someone who could be fun to be with again.

So... what's your thought on this? Was he a martyr to stay married to you for 17 years? Was he right that "people" don't change?

I doubt it on both counts. Does that mean there's hope? There is as long as you say there is. But I have to wonder if you'd want to go back to the way things were or if you're just missing the 'old' days a bit

I won't lie to you. I had those kind of feelings. I'd love nothing better to have reconciled my relationship with my ex. Notice I didn't say have a relationship with her. But since she is unavailable for that task, and although one day it *might* happen, I'm not waiting for that. No matter what happens or happened, I don't want a relationship with my ex. I did for a long time. I'd be surprised in a good way if she were to write a note and explain it all and apologize for the damage she's done.

Pigs might fly of their own accord too. Or as my grandmother used to put it, if frogs had wings, hummingbirds wouldn't f*ck with 'em (verbatim). Things are as they are. The question then becomes, what are you going to do about it?

You don't walk away from a 17 year marriage because your spouse doesn't make you happy any longer. Is it MLC? Who knows? But no, you walk away because you're unhappy. And you don't lie, cheat, belittle the other person because of it. Nobody walks away from a relationship that has lasted that long if they are "normal" There's a problem with him, but it's not one that is going to be solved by you. And he may never solve it. That's sad, but it's his choice how he deals with himself. Don't be confused by the story.

And that's really the part that chaps many of us. The unilateral choices where once there was teamwork.

Were you perfect? Not likely. Were you a good wife. Likely. Were you a good companion? Likely again. It's not you and it's not in your control. That's the risk we all take when we make a commitment in a relationship. You can stick around and hope. That's human. But at some point, you'll have to stop holding your breath and decide that you don't want him in your life and go be the best you that you can. Only you get to decide that, as unfair as it seems. Or, looked at another way, as good as it seems because that is your choice.

Keep at it, Bright. Be you. While you wait to see what happens, drop the expectations and deal with things as they come. It's ok to put that hope on a shelf. It'll be there later if you need to dust it off and want to take the risk with him.

AJ

[beatrice]

Nobody walks away from a relationship that has lasted that long if they are "normal" There's a problem with him, but it's not one that is going to be solved by you. And he may never solve it. That's sad, but it's his choice how he deals with himself. Don't be confused by the story.

AJ is on the money. I think most of us doubt the MLC story at times. But since my xh has faithfully followed the script I am inclined to believe it.

As to family - my xh now tells me that his siblings think he is autistic!! They do pass for normal until you watch them closely, and then the cracks show.

[BrightFuture]

Gwen, I don’t know if I would call it expectations. I think I had some hope, but no expectations. Actually, just the opposite might be true, IDK. I totally expect him to be short and business like, and he has actually being pretty nice recently, addressing me by name all the time, which was not the case a year ago.

AJ, thanks for the post. Your insights are very valuable to me.

So... what's your thought on this? Was he a martyr to stay married to you for 17 years? Was he right that "people" don't change? I doubt it on both counts.

According to his words, he was not happy for the last 2-3 years before the BD, so it could be that he considered himself a martyr. I knew he was not right about “people don’t change”. I was just pointing out that he disproved himself about that.

Does that mean there's hope? There is as long as you say there is. But I have to wonder if you'd want to go back to the way things were or if you're just missing the 'old' days a bit

No, I don’t want to go back to the way things were, and you are right I just miss the old days.

Pigs might fly of their own accord too. Or as my grandmother used to put it, if frogs had wings, hummingbirds wouldn't f*ck with 'em (verbatim).

– Love that

You don't walk away from a 17 year marriage because your spouse doesn't make you happy any longer. Is it MLC? Who knows? But no, you walk away because you're unhappy. And you don't lie, cheat, belittle the other person because of it.

He actually didn’t lie, cheat or belittled me. Well, I say didn’t cheat in his own mind. There was no OW per se. I think there was a close friendship and probably some interest which he didn’t consider cheating at that time.

And that's really the part that chaps many of us. The unilateral choices where once there was teamwork.

Yes, it has been the hard part to accept that the decision was made without me having any say in it.

But at some point, you'll have to stop holding your breath and decide that you don't want him in your life and go be the best you that you can.

I think I came very close to this. And this is where he decided to visit, LOL.

I think I’ve been pretty much dealing with things as they come up recently. Thanks for the visual about putting the hope on the shelf. I can totally see it there, just hope it will not get too dusty .

Bea, thanks for the prospective. My sister’s H shows some signs of MLC sometimes, so no surprise there, that he considered H “normal” .

[BrightFuture]

Have been having tough time for the last couple of days. I think I'm sliding into another episode of depression. My life seems to be turned upside down and the future is not looking so promising today.

Thanks for listening.

[job]

Be kind to yourself. Meeting w/your h has knocked your footing loose a bit. What do you mean that your life has burned upside down and the future is not looking so promising? Did something happen at work?

[Wonka]

Sweet Bright,

This caught my attention. Are you alright, sweetie? Have a chat with us around the fire pit and we'll be right here. Ok?

[job]

edit alert:

Third sentence should read: "What do you mean that your life has "turned" upside down and the future is not looking so promising?"

BTW, Wonka is so right...we are here for you.

[beatrice]

Being around these people can be upsetting - hope it is nothing more

[Mighty]

Hey Bright.

I know how you feel. The anticipation builds up, even if we don't realize it, and have no idea what to expect. We think we are prepared, but it' like holding your breath and not really being able to properly exhale... they suck it out of us. It leaves us bewildered. Exhausted. Spinning. I get it. I'm sorry you are feeling the aftermath of a "visit".

Let it out. Work through it. Find the source and start there. I am sure you will bounce back quicker and stronger.

You are amazing, Bright. You deserve so much more than an occasional drop-in. Keep doing you. You find your happiness!

I'm sorry that you are feeling down. Put one foot in front of the other. Those encounters really can take a toll. The unexpected is overwhelming... even when expecting the unexpected.

[BrightFuture]

Job, Wonka, Bea, Mighty, thank you for coming to my rescue. I’m so grateful for having you in my life.

No, nothing happened at work. Only the good stuff. I’m actually getting some bonus. And I still like my job and the people I work with.

Normally, when I come to work, I don’t think much about my sitch. I’m busy and interact with people. It is when I go home, I feel completely different. Like I’m in a different world. But this morning I struggled at work too, to pick up the pace.

There are other good things happening at work, like get together events and parties. So, I should feel great, right. I’m moving on with my life and doing fun things and making friends, etc. But, it is not the case recently. I’m struggling with all of this. I almost cried today when I was trying to decide whether I wanted to sing up for a beer brewing club. It is like I’m forcing myself to do all that stuff, but what I really want to do is to go home, crawl on the couch, cover my face with the blanket and do nothing.

I guess I still cannot get used to the thought that my life is different now. All the dreams that I had about growing older with H are gone now. And I cannot picture my life any different but being alone. I guess H’s visit reminded me of that. I cannot imagine being in another relationship. Nothing and nobody excites me. I have some decent vacation time this year, but I don’t know what to do with it. I want to travel, but I don’t like traveling alone.

I feel so alone. I feel different. Other people are able to move on with their lives. I seem to be unable to, in spite of what I’m trying to tell myself. I cannot show any of my feelings to my family or friends. I get beaten upside the head and slammed with “harsh truth” over and over again. They think they know better about what I need to do and don’t miss a change to remind me that H is a history, I should get over it by now and enjoy my life. I agree… I wish I could do it.

I’m sure there is more to process, but I’m just not good at putting it into words. I think I’m a hopeless case. When I think I’m moving on, I slide right back into the same old sh!t.

[beatrice]

Bright - I hope you won't be offended but have you thought of talking to a good therapist? Quiet introverted people who put a good face on things often struggle.

I have benefited greatly from having a good therapist in my life - I don't see him often but when I hit a bump I have an appointment and talk it through. He gives me help in coping, but nowadays i see him very seldom!

[HeavyD]

Bright - please be kind to yourself. This is a terrible situation you never thought you would be in. As for healing - it takes time and on your time table. Don't let family or friends tell you when and how to grieve. You set the pace for that.

I too struggle with feeling so alone and adrift. I have my kids every other week but it's still a struggle.

I am seeing a psychiatrist who has prescribed some antidepressants
And anti anxiety meds to take the hard edge off this. This has helped me.

Keep posting - you have many friends here.

foolish

[Wonka]

Bright,

Glad to hear you coming back and posting about what's going on with you.

All I can say is one day at a time...one foot in front of another. Sometimes reminders of our former spouses sends us in a tailspin. I had a wobble over the last weekend after talking with Ms. Wonka this past Friday during one of our rare phone calls and I had a good cry the very next day.

That emotion, what I identify, is called the pesky "what-ifs' that races inside our noggins. Dang little critter called rumination....grrrr. Be gone and leave me alone!

[BrightFuture]

Bea, no, I’m not offended. I just don’t see how that would work for me. It didn’t in the past. I tend to live my emotions in the moment. By the time I would have an appointment with a therapist, I would be thinking that my feelings were just silly and I would not know where to start. It happened to me before. I don’t know why. It is probably an issue in its own.

FOOLISH, thanks for stopping by. I do have a lot of friends here and I feel very grateful for that.

Wonka, I’m sorry you had a hard time after the phone conversation with Ms. Wonka. This is exactly it, the rumination… And “what ifs”… I’ve been always a person who said “never say never”. I’m the last one to abandon the ship… When do I learn to let go for real? I don’t know. Is it never?

[BrightFuture]

Received an e-mail from my BIL (H’s brother) today with the link to the site for the upcoming run this months, with an exclamation “Yahoo!” It is sent to me, my H and a few friends that we both know. We do this run every year. Well, H always walked it, since he cannot run – bad knee. BIL is going to walk it this year too, because of his knee surgery.

So, this is kind of weird. It is like “we are all friends”… Which includes me and H in the same group…

There was one group reply to this e-mail from one of the friends. So, I sent a group reply expressing my excitement. This could be interesting this year…

[BrightFuture]

Well, I have some updates, just was not motivated to post. Busy, tired, lazy, and well… just not motivated.

First, the GAL activities… I’ve been doing a lot of it lately. Last week I went for a happy hour with a group of people from work, then to a after work gathering for wine and snacks with a different group, then on Friday – dinner with my GF (bumped into my BIL, H’s brother, his GF and the friends who know me and H). Then on Saturday I was at the St. Patrick ’s Day party in the neighborhood.

This Monday I went to a celebration party after work that was dedicated to a completion of a project at work. And at last, this Saturday I’m going to a B-day party on a party boat at the harbor. I’m kind of exhausted, but I’m glad I went to all of these.

H has been sort of in contact. I just don’t pay attention anymore about the frequency. When H was in the house last time to pick up his mail, etc. he asked me to send him a company file, so he could reconcile his credit card. I did send the file. There was no answer for some time. I went online and checked if the card was paid and it wasn’t. He also promised to send me the tax info, but didn’t. So, I sent a text asking him if he was still considering to file taxes jointly, and if yes, to send me the tax info. He replied with the numbers. I also texted him asking to send me updated company file. He texted back that he would do it next day.

So, next day he e-mailed me the file. When I checked it, I saw that he wrote a check to pay for the credit card bill. It was one day before the bill was due. This was kind of interesting. In the past, he would be very upset if he was late with credit card bills. He would find other ways to pay it, over the phone, directly from the back account, etc. This time it seemed like he didn’t care.

A few days ago I sent a text to him with the numbers for auto insurance policy renewal, which he asked me to do, so he could decide whether to reduce the coverage on his car and truck. He replied back asking me if I could wait to pay it, so he could explore his options. I said “sure”. It’s been 5 days now, and there is no reply from him. It is not like him. He normally gets the stuff done pretty quickly. How hard is it to call around and get the quotes!? Or decide to reduce the coverage on the track, since his car is already at a minimum coverage – liability only. Unless there is something different in that statement about exploring the options that I don’t understand…

On another note, he’s been very polite lately, asking me if I needed some favors, thanking me for everything, and even adding my name like this: “thanks, Bright”.

Other than that, there is nothing going on in my sitch . I’ve been feeling better. Just dread another setback, which seems to be inevitable… based on the past experience…

Oh, and I forgot to mention. I became friends on Facebook with a woman who is also friends with H and our mutual friends at the vacation home place. Her FB account was so private that I could not see who she had as friends. Well, H happened to be one of them. And then another common friend sent a friend request… So, this woman had a b-day and everyone was posting on her page. I posted before H, so now he probably knows that I’m on the FB. So, my DB coach’s suggestion from almost 2 years ago has now been implemented. How weird is that.

[job]

Bright,
You are a busy and popular lady these days! It's any wonder you are tired! LOL! However, I'm glad you are getting out and socializing w/others. It truly gives you something else to think about.

As for your h and paying bills. I'm not a mind reader, but he could be having some financial issues and is waiting until the drop dead date to pay the bills or he's in a depressive fog and doesn't think about paying them until the last minute or he's out there staying busy doing whatever and doesn't think about them until later. Teenagers don't always pay their bills early and my guess is that he's just sitting on them until the last minute to pay them. But, no matter what he's doing...he at least paid the credit card bill the day before it was due.

As for the vehicle insurance...if it's due soon, send him an email and remind him. You don't want to see this terminated because he's not done anything about the estimates. If the insurance is terminated, he can't drive the vehicles.

I do hope that you are able to get outside and work in your yard. Spring is here and it's time to think about outdoor activities and not just yard work. So, what do you have planned for the weekend?

[Mighty]

Keep going, Bright! I love it! You sound like you are doing so well. As far as h.... maybe not as well. Sure is confusing to see these guys behave in ways they never have, huh? Well... they are interesting creatures, I guess. I could do without interesting, but never-the-less they are something....

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, job. I think you are spot on with the first two reasons. I know that he doesn’t have much money left, I can see his account (since we still have joint accounts hooked all together) and I know how much is in company account. I think just a thought of 15th of the month when he usually sends me the money for condo mortgage should be making him sick. I feel sorry for him, but it is not my problem, it is what he wanted.

If he would be just busy, he would not forget to pay the bills, etc. He was pretty much on top of things (with few exceptions) until now. Maybe he is deeply in love with a woman of his dreams, and completely lost his head, LOL.

The auto insurance will not be terminated. I have money to pay the entire bill. He can either pay me later, or cancel it and the money will be refunded. I’m going to give him this chance to figure things out. My guess is that he wants to drop the coverage for a few months, when both his car and truck are in Mexico. Will see if I’m right.

I think he has hit a rough spot on his journey. It feels like he is spinning in different directions. His life is probably not exactly the way he imagined. Money is probably the biggest issue. I’ve checked the CC that he was late paying. There are late fees and interest charges, as expected. But, there is also a new transaction for airline ticket. Looks like he is flying to the state where he works during the summer. He will be there for two weeks. I think he received a call about some work, and he is taking it. The ticket is very expensive (more than $600). He would not pay this kind of money before. And the weather in that state is still cold, below freezing at nights and in 40th during the day. He hates cold. Plus, he is going to miss a couple of events that he loves and attends every year (at the vacation home and here.) I guess he is desperate to get some work and make money.

Now, back to me. I’m going to the party on the boat tomorrow. I should be a lot of fun. And yes, the yard needs some major work. Not sure if I get to it this weekend thought, except for moving the grass. It needs to be done.

[BrightFuture]

Hey Mighty, didn’t see your post until now. We posted almost at the same time. Thanks for stopping by.

I had a great time yesterday at harbor cruise party. Today I mowed the grass and did some yard work. I even figured out how to replace the wire string in the trimmer. Normally my son would do it, but he’s been busy, and I needed to trim the grass that was way too much overgrown. My neighbor happened to be outside and helped me to adjust the trimmer. Yay! The yard now looks great.

Still no word from H regarding the auto insurance. I’m getting curious…

[123Gwen]

Sounds like fun. Glad you had a good time.

[dejavu2]

Sounds like your life is moving forward and there is some peace and happiness. Enjoy this time!

[BrightFuture]

Short update. Actually, it is just for me. It seems like my sitch is so boring…

Anyway, went to after work gathering with beer brew team. Learnt some things about the process. Was not too exciting. Maybe it will be better next time.

H sent a text today, asking to send him updated company file and letting me know that he is in his "work place" state for a couple of weeks and will need to do some invoices. He also asked me when the car insurance is due and if he can have some more time to get some info on “alternative options”. Ha! Good luck with that, buddy… He will not be able to find cheaper insurance for the same coverage he has now. I have a very hefty professional discount for my education on the current policy. But, in any case, I don’t really care if he gets a separate insurance. Less disturbance for me... It feels like he’s been in more contact recently, for one thing or another (consistently polite, and addressing me by name.) So, one less thing to contact me about. Is it what I want? Have to sit on this one…

[beatrice]

Hi Bright - boring is good when it comes to MLC - an 'interesting' ride is not fun.

Yes, let your husband find his own car insurance Ha!!

They seem sure that every aspect of life is going to be better including a better deal on car insurance. Nothing we did could have been better.

I think we want and do not want contact - especially if they are not spewers. After all they were part of our lives for a long time, and from our perspective nothing changed - they did.

[job]

Bright,

I agree w/Bea, i.e., boring is good when it comes to the mlcer. A wild and drama filled ride isn't what it's cracked up to be.

I wouldn't be concerned too much about him seeking out better deals on the insurance. You know what you have and I'm sure you'll move forward w/your policy on your own. He's going to find out that it's not cheap out there on his own.

Oh, well...life sure isn't what he thought it would be.

Continue moving forward...you are doing great!

[BrightFuture]

Thanks Bea and Job. Yes, I guess the boring is better than wild and drama. And the car insurance for him is just an expense. I don’t think he is looking for a new one because it is better than to have it with me on the same policy. He is just desperately trying to save the money.

I think he already discovered that “it's not cheap out there on his own”. We were always a team and supported each other in difficult times. I think I’m still kind of an “insurance policy” for him. The condo mortgage is still on both names, so I think he thinks he can count on me in case he cannot pay it. I’ve been nice about things like that so far. And don’t plan to change it, unless it affects my financial stability. I will let the universe to take care of whatever deeds he has to pay for his choices...

Oh, and I guess I jinxed it, LOL. He texted me today telling me that he will be in town next weekend and asking me if the taxes will be ready for him to sign. I replied that the taxes are ready. He texted back that he would arrange some time to sing. This time the texts were kind of dry, he didn’t address me by name, said thank you though… Maybe he thought that he was in contact too much recently and didn’t want to put another “Hi Bright” in his texts, LOL. I replied the same way. I’m getting really good at this . Just wondering how much longer I want to play this game…

[BrightFuture]

Update.. For those who are interested…

Last Saturday, met with my BIL (H’s brother) to pick up the numbers and stuff for 5K run on Sunday.
Then later that day had a dinner party for my nephew b-day at my sister’s. My BIL and his GF came too. We had great food and some drinks.

On Sunday, met up with my BIL, his GF and a couple of other friends for 5K run. My son joined us at the last moment. Went to a beer garden after the run with the whole crew, and then to a pizza place after that. H was supposed to be there as well. His brother had his bib with the number. But, tough luck, H had to go make some money and could not be at the race…

Later in the afternoon, H texted. Asked “how was the run”, and then if I’m planning to be at the vacation home on Memorial Day weekend, because his nephew expressed interest of going.

I replied to the texts, and we had a bit of conversation going on about the run. He knew that I was with his brother. He went silent after one of my replies. I don’t know…. When I have the conventions like that, it feels like he picks out of the tunnel, then gets scarred and goes right back into it.

I texted him that I’m planning on being at the vacation home on the Memorial Day weekend. It is interesting that he is even asking. Not sure what he is going to do with this info. I don’t really want his nephew in the same condo while I’m there. Will see how it will play out.

And… Today, I got a text from him telling me that he transferred money for car insurance. Hahaha, I guess he could not find anything better, which I kind of expected.

Anyway, life is good for the moment. I seem to be keeping the positive attitude going:).

[beatrice]

it feels like he picks out of the tunnel, then gets scarred and goes right back into it.

I think this is 'normal' for MLC. I suspected he wouldn't get a better deai on the car insurance. They live in fantasy land, that is for sure. Updates are always interesting - and they show definite progress!

[job]

Bright,
You had a busy weekend and I'm sure you enjoyed yourself being with family and friends. Your h sounds like he was a curious man and asked quite a few questions this weekend. He's peeking out of the tunnel just a wee bit and it's interesting that he asked about the Memorial Day holiday weekend. That's two months away.

Sometimes they ask questions or the conversation stops them short and then they don't respond back. It's typical mlc behavior because something in the conversation makes them "think" and they don't like to "think" about what was. I wouldn't worry too much about it because he turned around and texted you again yesterday.

I'm not surprised that he finally sent money for the car insurance. Truth be told, he probably didn't even look around. They say that they are going to do something and then it's dropped. Besides, he knew he probably wouldn't find anything cheaper than what you already have.

Continue as you have been and yes, a positive attitude will attract positive outcomes. Keep up the good work!

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, Bea and Job.

Bea, do you really think there is any progress here?

Sometimes they ask questions or the conversation stops them short and then they don't respond back. It's typical mlc behavior because something in the conversation makes them "think" and they don't like to "think" about what was.

Job, this exactly how it happens, the conversation stops short. I think I’m used to it now, it doesn’t bother me at all.

Knowing him, I guess he probably did check a couple of options on car insurance. I’m just surprised it took so long. But, guess what… I was as patient and calm about this as a rock. I cannot even remember the times when I was worried and stressed about stuff like that, wanted to plan things ahead of time, wanted the things to be perfect, etc. It is total 180 for me. And it’s been like that for some time now. He should have notices, for sure… This was just another chance for him to see it. Not that I wanted to prove it, it is just so natural for me now

[beatrice]

I cannot even remember the times when I was worried and stressed about stuff like that, wanted to plan things ahead of time, wanted the things to be perfect, etc. It is total 180 for me. And it’s been like that for some time now

You asked about progress - in every way you are moving forward into a new confidence and enjoyment of life. Keep it up.

[BrightFuture]

H is supposed to arrive to the city from the state where he works tonight. And tomorrow he is supposed to come over to sign the tax return.

I texted him yesterday asking if there is any chance I and the dog could stay at the condo next weekend. There is a big golf tournament, and lots of friends I know from the vacation home place are going to be there. Downside of it that is that a lot of these people are also friends with H. I decided to ask H, even though I knew that he might say no. Which he did. He replied back saying that it is a golf tournament weekend and one of the “guys” might be staying at the condo. Then he said that if I wait for one more week, I can have the condo to myself. (This means that he is probably going back to that state where he works.)

Even though I anticipated this kind of response, it did sting a little. It felt like a rejection… It also brought up the memories and feelings… In the past, H would make some arrangements without asking or consulting with me. When I mentioned that I wanted to be part of whatever event, he would tell me that all the arrangements were made and even would get angry with me because I was upset.

So, my first inclination was to say something sarcastic in reply to his text, like ask him if the “guy” paid the bills or helped him with the mortgage, etc. Then I thought about it… So, I replied that I know it is going to be the golf tournament weekend and that I will try to make other arrangements.

I’m still processing my first reaction to the text. I thought I was making good progress and I’m not the person I was before. This conversation brought back the old stuff. Now, I’m upset. Is this so ingrained in me that it will never change? I cannot explain everything that is going on inside of me. I wish I would be a better writer.

Today, I have a better handle of my emotions. I understand that he might have made an agreement with a “guy”, or he just doesn’t want to leave the condo (like he did before when I came), plus, I’m not his W anymore and he doesn’t have to accommodate me. So, I’m making other plans for next weekend. I will find a place to stay, or will not go at all.

[Mighty]

Hey Bright. I think you are a fine writer, and I totally understand your feelings. (I have gotten some great posts from you, which have said a lot in a little and I know that you just get it. You are very in tune to things- and I get that with your writing... your point comes across very clearly- don't underestimate it!)

I also get the immediate reaction we feel, even if we think we have "changed" or "made progress." But, Bright, the fact that you think about it and assess it shows growth. The bottom line is, you feel hurt by his response, and that strikes a chord in you. It is human to have a reaction like that. But your responses have changed. You have a right to feel a certain way. But, Bright, you don't wallow in bitterness or negativity. You pick yourself up and move on- even when it is so difficult.

You got this, Bright. I understand, even when we feel we have no expectations, we can still feel rejected. And sometimes it comes when we didn't even think it could! Rejection stinks. But, he is the loser here. He will see it. He probably knows it already, but is in denial. He can't live there forever. If he does, it will be a pretty unfulfilling life.

[beatrice]

hi Bright - not sure what the legal/financial situation is wrt to Condo. maybe this is a good time to sort it out?

If you own it 50/50 maybe you need a semi formal agreement about who uses it and when (a bit like a custody arrangement!) Your h will not like this, but maybe a simple agreement about who gets first pick at dates etc would help clarify things. Suggest you wait until after this weekend to do that.

MLCers simply expect life to revolve around them.

[BrightFuture]

Bea, I was thinking about that… Do you think I still get some right here? I don’t know what to think anymore… My name is still on the mortgage, but he’s been paying it for over a year now. Well, the bill still comes to my house. He transfers the money and I pay the mortgage. So, he is paying for it… On another note, if not for me and him being married to me at the time we bought the condo, he would not have it at all. Does this count?

I don’t know. Am I too accommodating in all of these?

[BrightFuture]

Mighty, thanks so much for your thoughts. I feel that I can relate so much and post all my thoughts and feelings, but when it comes to actually posting, it doesn’t come as good as I would like.

I think I know that he feels like he is a loser here. He is just so stubborn… He thinks he can beat “the system”. He is still trying to find his “next phase of life”, but it is not going so well for him.

I have more to post, but I’m just so tired right now. I hope I have enough motivation to do the post tomorrow.

[123Gwen]

Bright- not sure about where you live but I was able to get a separation agreement that is a contract for the finances, property, custody and visitation. This might be available in your state. Talke to a lawyer.

My H works in another state as well. It is hard to live in the land of in-between. Separated but not divorced. I have found having one boundaries in a contract has helped me feel mentally stronger.

Like Bea said maybe just certain dates you agree to in writing? As for the condo as far as the law it is 50/50. You are both paying for it and using it. That is irrefutable. Does H have property where he works?

[job]

Bright,
I like Bea's suggestion for a schedule for the condo. It's time to set up some sort of schedule for the use of the condo so that you both can use it w/o a conflict. He's not going to like it, but hey, that's his problem. You are still his wife and you should have some say as to when you would like to use it. If I recall, you don't go there very often and it would be wise to know when you can use it so that you don't have to ask him about the availability.

You need to speak to a lawyer about setting up a separation agreement so that things are spelled out. This doesn't necessarily mean a divorce, but it helps both of you to see who is responsible for what, etc.

It's all about them and they do not care how we are doing or what we need to survive. Maybe it's time to rethink how much of your time has been used in accommodating him and his needs. It's time to put your needs first...he's certainly not going to put you first any time soon.

I do hope he comes and signs the tax forms and doesn't linger. You need to find your balance and enjoy your day. I'm sorry he shot you down about the condo for next weekend. I do hope you get to go and can find a place to stay. You owe it to yourself to go and have some fun.

[BrightFuture]

Gwen, Job, thanks for the advice. I did go to a lawyer a few months ago with the intent to start the separation process. I learnt a few things that stopped me going any further. In my state there is not much difference between the D and Separation. The only difference is that with Separation, neither spouse can remarry. Everything else works like in D, including the separation of finances and property.

So, what the attorney told me is that in our case, I already have the house (since H signed it out to me), but we will have to divide the condo. There is no equity to divide, the condo is under water, but H will have to refi it and take my name out of the mortgage. Even if we agree to still own it together, the court will enforce the complete separation. The attorney assured me of this.

H would not be able to refi the condo right now. He has no money. So, most likely he will lose the condo all together. And I don’t want to take the responsibility for the mortgage. It works for me pretty good right now. He pays the mortgage, and I get to use the condo.

Gwen, no, H doesn’t have any property in the state where he works. He rents a room in his buddy’s house.

Job, I used to go the vacation home quite often. I normally stay away while H is there, but during the summer I go every month.

...he's certainly not going to put you first any time soon.

–Yes, I just got a taste of this again. I try not to have any expectations, but deep down there is still this tiny little hope lingering every time I have interactions with H.

Anyway, the tax signing is done. It was actually last night. I was at my sister’s for dinner. We were watching the sunset and when I came inside I had a missed call from H. He left me a voice mail, telling me that he was about to board the plane, that he will be in town later at night and he would like to stop by the house and sign the taxes, instead of coming in the morning, because he wanted to leave earlier.

I called him back and I told him that I was not home and I would be home late. He said that he would still like to come over. Oh, and BTW, when I called him, he picked up the phone and instead of usual “hi” said “hi Bright”. This is different...

He texted me when he was in the neighborhood (I suppose at his brother’s). I texted him when I got home and he came.

It didn’t take long. We had a small conversation and I learnt that he actually was looking into a new car insurance. He called USAA (the vet’s organization) and they quoted him a number which was twice as much as he has now. I told him that the amount we pay now includes a significant discount (I think almost like 20%) for my professional degree, and that it would very hard to match elsewhere.

He also told me that he has to maintain some comprehensive coverage for his truck. It is still working pretty well for him (wow, this was one positive statement!) Before he would complain about the truck and how much money he puts into its maintenance and gas.

He thanked me a couple of times for allowing him to come at night and not wait until morning.

On another note… My BIL (sister’s H) told me a few things yesterday. About a month or so ago, when H was in town and met with my BIL, there was a conversation over the drinks. My BIL normally keeps it to himself, but some things come out eventually. A week later my sister told me that she heard that my H expressed some regrets. I kind of bushed it aside, because my BIL didn’t make a big deal out of it. But, the thoughts of it crept into my mind.

Yesterday, my BIL told me a little more about what H said. He said that he’s been doing some dumb things for a while now, like making bad decisions. The way my BIL explained it sounded like H also said that his head is screwed up now and he really doesn’t understand why he is doing certain things.

And interesting thing was that my sister called me later last night asking me how the visit went. I just thought about it. It is not that often any more when she wants to know. Oh, and my BIL told me before I left last night, that if he would be me, he would go home and prepare for H’s visit, meaning refreshing the makeup, the hair, looking and spelling the best. I wonder what is this about, LOL.

[job]

Bright,
I'm glad the signing of the taxes is over and done w/for you. As for the conversation that your h had w/your BIL, he may have had some regrets and was voicing those to him, i.e., using your BIL as a sounding board at that time. Until the man comes to you and tells you that he's made some mistakes and wants to try to figure things out, I would continue as you have been moving forward.

Maybe the reason your BIL mentioned freshening up is because he was hoping that the visit w/your h may give him something to think about when he's away, i.e., you.

Bright, time is on your side. For now, your man is still lost and confused and it's going to take some time for him to work things out...but, it might not be a bad idea to let your h know when you want to use the condo in the future. It doesn't hurt to share your calendar w/him when it comes to the visiting the condo and for how long.

[BrightFuture]

Job, thanks for your advice. You are always here for me and I appreciate it so much, you cannot even imagine.

H never used my BIL as a sounding board. This is something different this time. But… In no way I have any expectations here. I totally agree that if he is into something, he would have to come to me and talk about stuff. My personal opinion, that H was just tasting the waters to see if my family has any issues with him. I think the meeting with my BIL was the prof that my family has no bad feelings. They just want me to be happy, but they are not judging H. Well, to me they keep saying that he is a fool, LOL.

I know H is still confused. He will keep looking for a solution to his problems until he figures it out. All I know for sure that he is not going to find anybody better than me. Unless… he changes so much that he is impossible to resist… hahaha… And any woman would love to be his companion… And even then, there will nobody better than me. How about this kind of PMA!

Job, I agree that I will have to let him know when I want to use the condo. It just never was a problem before. He was either not there, or he moved out. This time he doesn’t want to move out. There might the reasons for that. It could be that he promised somebody else a free room, or whatever. I’m ok with that. I contacted my friends over there and they are arranging a place for me to stay for a moderate fee. And my GF is going with me. She had a house over there, but there are some problems with water. I don’t want to stay at the house that doesn’t have running water, so I will take my friend’s offer.

We are leaving on Friday. It could be a very interesting weekend, since I, my GF and H have quite a few of common friends who are going to be there. I have no expectations, except for me having a good time.

Having an appointment to refresh my hair tomorrow! I should look my best for the weekend!

[beatrice]

Bright - have a good weekend, and keep us posted

[job]

Travel safely and enjoy your weekend.

[dejavu2]

..... go home and prepare for H’s visit, meaning refreshing the makeup, the hair, looking and SPELLING the best. I wonder what is this about...

This error totally made me laugh!!!

Enjoy the weekend at the golf tournament!!! Stay strong and look great!

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, Bea, Job and Dejavu.

I didn't even notice the misspelling, LOL. It is kind of funny, because it could be almost true... English is not my first language, and H used to make fun of me for mispronouncing some words. If he did it during an argument, kind of laughing at how I said something, it made me mad, because I was not in a mood
for jokes at the time. I think I made a very nasty comment one time and he stopped doing it.

Having my hair done right now. I will sure look good this weekend!

[Mighty]

Hey hottie bright! Get that hair done, girl! Have fun. Enjoy your moments... Enjoy your friends... Relax, unwind, and laugh.... And I will have a glass of wine this weekend and we can "cheers!"

And.... English is my first language and I'm a terrible speller. It's all good. I could have worse things wrong w me I guess!

Enjoy it, girlie!

[123Gwen]

I am wonderful at spelling but can't master the touchscreen so lots of funny looking words on my posts. Have a wonderful time!

[Mighty]

Right... Unwind. Case in point. Or typo... Laziness... Blonde moment... Bad speller... Cell phone.. Whatev!

[BrightFuture]

And a couple of glasses of wine! This never fails. Because with wine I don't even care about spelling... Or, is it smelling? LOL!

[BrightFuture]

Arrived at the vacation home place yesterday. Staying at the place that my friends arranged for me. When we were following my mutual friend to that place yesterday, guess who was driving in the opposite direction at the same time. H drove by and stuck his arm all the way out of the car window to wave at us. I waved back.

This place is a one room with a bathroom and a small kitchen area. Everything is so small, I had trouble to arrange my toiletries in the bathroom. The kitchen has minimum stuff. I could not find a skillet this morning, so had to bake my egg in the toaster oven. Now trying to get the tray cleaned with just water and paper towel. The good thing is I have a TV with lots of channels and also Internet.

My GF got her water problem fixed yesterday, so I could stay with her. But I decided to stay here. I need some time on my own.

We went for dinner last night with our mutual friend. Her H is sick, so he stayed home. Not sure what is going to happen today. I found out that the rest of my (and H’s) friends who are here for the golf tournament are just the guys. They wives didn’t come. So, there will be no get together events and I probably will not see H at all.

[job]

Glad to read you arrived safe and sound. Sounds like you "roughing" it while you are there. I have to hand it to you, I've never bake an egg before, but there's always a first time. This place is truly getting you to think outside the box. LOL!

Enjoy your time there even though the women didn't come along on this trip. I'm sure that you and your GF can find plenty to do and have some fun.

[BrightFuture]

Well, I was so wrong about nothing happening today… It was a very interesting afternoon and very weird night. I’ve seen H, and I’ve heard some pretty bizarre ch!t. Not sure what I feel right now… Part of me feels disgusted, part of me feels sorry for H. Don’t even know where to start. Plus, I’m very tired right now. Will see if I have energy and motivation to post all the details tomorrow…

[LoisB]

Bright,

What did you learn? Don't leave us hanging!

[job]

Bright,
I'm sorry if you learned some things that didn't sit well w/you. This trip was an eye opening experience for you. I'm so sorry you had to either see or hear some things that disgusted you.

Digest what you've seen/heard and if you want to talk about it, we are hear to listen. Yes, you can feel disgusted by what he's been up to and yet, you have to feel sorry for him because he's lost a lot along the way and making a possible fool of himself.

Please take care of yourself and travel safely.

[LoisB]

I hope your OK Bright. I know how hard it is to learn about their "life," if you can call it that. Take care of yourself.

[dejavu2]

Big hug as it is difficult to hear information which provides us with a revised history of someone or an event. Stay strong. Digest, but remember there is a brighter tomorrow.

[BrightFuture]

Thanks everyone. I’m OK. Really. I’m enjoying myself and having fun. What I’ve learnt so far is nothing new that I should not “expect” at this point. Couple of things raised my eyebrows, but I had no emotional reaction to this.

I will try to post the details as much as make sense.

So, yesterday was a big golf day. I picked up my GF from her house and we went to the pavilion on the golf course. We had a few drinks, but nothing was going on until about 4 pm. Then all golfers started to come in. I saw a few friends and went to say hi. They invited us to the table, introduced me and my GF to everybody. Then more people showed up. All my male friends were happy to see me. Needless to say that they all had a few drinks by that time. They were making a jokes about another guy who was about to show up. He was my golf partner about 1 1/5 years ago when we golfed with one of the friends and his wife. This guy is way older than I am. He told me last time that he is too old for me, otherwise he would be hitting on me because I was very nice and easy going.

So, my friends were joking that my “boyfriend” was going to show up and what I should do and say. It was all silly stuff, we were laughing and having a good time.

Then I noticed that H showed up and was kind of hanging around by another table. I felt that he could not decide if he wanted to join our table or not. I guess I and my FG spoiled this for him, LOL. The older guy (“boyfriend’) was actually his partner in golf yesterday along with my other friend. So ironic. So, after some time H came in, tapped me on the back and said “well, hi there”, then he went to my GF and gave her a hug. Then he stood next to us for some time, then went back to another table. His other friends showed up, a couple who he became the best friends with. The woman is a wild one, especially when she drinks. She is one of his drunk buddies. And boy, she was drunk.

Her H came to our table to chat and said hi to me. He is always very friendly with me. His W never really talked to me much. Not this time… So, next thing I know this woman shows up at our table. She comes to me, gives me a hug and tells me that it is good to see me. WTF?????

One of the guys commented on her t-shirt and asked her if he could get one for his W. The t-shirt was from the races two months ago and had “Racing Boobs” slogan on it. She brought a t-shirt for the guy to purchase and then they were taking pictures of her. Then she took her t-shirt off and revealed a pink bra. Then she was posing for pictures with some guys.

Everybody was leaving to take showers and then go to town for some drinks and food. I and my GF were invited to join everybody later. And this point, it is only me, my GF and a couple other people left.
This woman hangs around and next thing I know she proceeds to tell us about the trip they took (with my H and groups of other drunks) to the South of Mexico.

And this is where it gets weird. She was mostly talking about her and my H, how they “got married” on the road and how they shared a room at the hotels because both of them were on the budget. She told us about how they went to the whale watching and how my H was taking a selfie with the whale and how they were jumping off the roof of the hotel to the swimming pool, and how it the best vacation.

I was listening to this with a face of an interested bystander. I was surprised how it didn’t stir any single emotion in me. Except it sounded really weird. Why was she telling us all that? I’m still puzzled, but I don’t have ANY feelings. My stomach didn’t turn, my heart was not racing like it would do before.

She asked us if we were going to join everybody in town. We said maybe, we would have to see. She said “I guess it is a big NO”. We kind of looked at each other and shrug our shoulders.

So, next part is in town – to follow. A lot to type. Hope to have not many spelling errors, LOL.

Going to take my dog to the beach. Then we have a party at one of the other friends’ house. H is expected to be there too.

[job]

Bright,
I can't even imagine someone telling you such stuff...but the alcohol loosened her lips. Continue to listen because you know what? Much of what she told you possibly is the truth, i.e., not the married part.

I'm so sorry you had to be exposed to her and her loose lips. I do hope that you can enjoy the rest of your time there.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

[2BHappy]

Bright
Hope you had and or still having great time on your vacation.

IGNORE fools who want to bring you down emotionally or mentally.

Keep up your focus on YOU.

[BrightFuture]

So, H didn’t show up at the friend’s house. Not sure why. I was quite sure he would be there, because another guy friend who called me to let me know about the party, told me to bring my dog, so H could see him. This friend told me that he heard from H that he misses the dog. Oh, well.

So, here is the second part of that day (after golf tournament, at the town.) I and my GF arrived at the bar/restaurant where everybody was meeting. Everybody was already there. H was there, talking with my mutual friend (male). We said hi to everybody, and I went to greet my female mutual friend. She had her 2 ½ son on the chair next to her. When he saw me, he lit up and wanted me to hold him. He was so excited to see me. Some people were surprised. I’ve heard some “wow!”s.

That crazy woman (H’s drunk buddy who was taking pictures in her bra with everyone) was also there. She made a move towards me again and said how happy she was to see me. WTF again! So, my friend’s kid kind of saved me from her, because he was in my arms, giving me hugs and putting his head on my shoulder. So, I was kind of busy, as you can tell…

Well, I looked great in my leggings and red blouse! So, I had a lot of attention from the guys. My so called “boyfriend” was hanging around, giving the compliments and trying to be funny. I didn’t pay for a single drink. A few guys wanted to buy me one. And for my GF.

At one point, I was next to H. My GF went on the other side of the bar. She asked me to hold her purse for a second, so she could get another chair, or something. So, H was so kind to pass her purse and my jacket in between us. He was trying to make a joke, but I honestly didn’t get it. At this time I took a good look at him. He did not look good. I don’t know what it was, but at that moment I felt sorry for him. It must have been not very pleasant to see the xW (me) getting all the attention from other guys. I don’t even know why he stayed there.

This crazy woman was lingering close by for a while and I overheard some conversation between her and H. Now, some of this is my guessing, because I didn’t hear the whole conversation, but my intuition kicked in. I bet she asked him about our split. His words were that “oh well, it was a bad situation at the time”. And then I heard him saying “But, I’m still a Mr. Bright (his and my last name.) He repeated it twice.

He tried to make more jokes, but they didn’t come out right. I think at this point he doesn’t even know how to be around me. I didn’t give him much attention, I was busy talking to other people.

Then most of the people went for a walk. It was a tequila festival in town as well. I and my two GFs (one who lives there) stayed at the bar for a little longer and then went for a walk too.

Overall, I think I overshadowed H over the weekend. I probably kind of spoiled it for him, LOL. I was at the party next day and he wasn’t. I bet he couldn't take it anymore. I think all the guys (friends of friends) knew how we were related. One of the guys (married) gave me a compliment at the party, saying that I was a very nice person and H was a fool.

[BrightFuture]

So, wanted to have a separate post about my feelings. My feelings went from indifference when I heard the story about H and crazy woman staying in same room on their trip, to feeling sorry for H looking at him while we were at the bar, to feeling really sad next morning. Sad about what was, and that he was not the H I knew anymore. He is a different person who choose to have a different life.

I know he is not happy. I know he feels like he painted himself to the corner. But, I don’t think he knows how to get out of there. It looks like he is continuing to dig himself deeper in the hole.

And I’m sad too. I remember what it used to be, but I have no interest in H the way he is now. Am I crazy? I still don’t know how to reconcile the two worlds.

In a way, learning this “cr@p” about H helps me to detach more. But, at the same time I think it closes the door to a possible R, if there is any possibility of it. Does it make sense?

[Shining]

Bright,

I'm so sorry you had to hear what you did....you've been dealing with this for so long.

You and I have much in common.. Being sad for the guy who no longer exists?? Oh, yes.... I know that pain well.

Here's the thing.... Ruling out any possibility of a R in the future is up to you. But consider this: 3 years ago, did you ever imagine you would be here?? What crazy thing could happen 3 years from now that you may not imagine today??

No one knows what the future holds. You just never know.

Live your life. Find your inner "amazing".... Because it's in there.

The chances of him coming back (if that's what you want) are far greater once you finally cut the rope, and live your fabulous life. After he's done and baked.... You having a life will be extremely attractive to him. Or...... Someone even better for you than he will ever be.

You're an amazing gal, Bright!! You deserve better.

You really really really deserve better. <3

[job]

Shining's post is spot on.

Now about your h. It's true, he doesn't know how to interact w/you because you both have changed quite a bit during the crisis. He may feel uncomfortable round you because he is very much aware of what he's done. Guilt and shame play a role in all of this and until he can figure out how to cross that bridge and become comfortable enough to be around you again, he's going to appear to have a bit of a wall up.

Bright, yes, he's painted himself into a corner and he doesn't know how to get out. They all do this and it's going to take some time before he figures things out. He has now seen you w/friends and family members and he knows that you harbor no ill will against him. I'm hoping that as times moves along, he'll come to realize that you are not the reason for his problems.

Your weekend was a fun, busy and educational one for you. You now have had a good view of what has been happening. He's not a happy camper and it shows in most of what he does. I hope that what you learned over the weekend will help you to detach a bit more.

His journey is not yet over and I do hope that when he does cross he finish line that he comes to the realization that he had a wonderful wife who loved him and would have done anything for him. Bright, never forget this....you are the prize!

[BrightFuture]

Shining, thanks, your words made me to tear up. You are right, I don’t know where I’m going to be in 3 years. I already have a pretty good life, and hope that it will only change for even better. I feel that H already finds himself attracted to my life, he just cannot admit it even to himself. I don’t know if I would want for him to come back. I guess I will know when and if I know.

Job, thank you. I try to remind myself that I’m the prize. This time, he will have to work a lot harder to win it though. I think he knows that and it might be a huge obstacle for him. But, you know what, if he really wants it badly, he will do the work. Until then, I will continue to laugh and smile and enjoy my time with my friends. I think you are right about him feeling more comfortable with me and my friends and family members. I think he tested the waters with my BIL (my sister’s H), with my son and his GF, and now with my friends, and he saw that nobody is rejecting him because of what he did.

Small update. Found out that H is now friends with my son on FB. I was curious about that, whether he would even invite or accept my son (don’t know who sent an invite, H or my son.) At least on my son’s part, he is open for communication. It’s my boy! BTW, I’m not friends with my son on FB. This might be the reason H invited/accepted him.

Received a text today (15th of the month) from H about the money transfer. Instead of just regular “Transferred $XXXX to your account”, it started with “Hi Bright, I hope you had a good time over the weekend”. Ha! I replied that I had a great time and thanked him for the money.

[Notlikingthis]

Bright, You ARE the prize. That is something that we all have to remind ourselves of and we have to do it often! This journey that we are on gets tiring at times and we just want to walk away from all of it. We do have that option as Shining said and can leave our R/M when we choose. I look at it this way. I've been at this for 4+ years if we count the beginning my h journey. I think that's about the same amount of time that you've been dealing with you h's mlc as well. I have decided to watch it play out while as I enjoy my new life.

It's always harder when we have interactions with them. It hurts to see them struggling with their issues, trying to find their way and what's up with their appearance? The Mothership should seriously consider adding a Spa! In some ways it would be easier if they went away and came back when they were fully baked. LOL

That woman that you h "married" sounds like a real prize, doesn't she? Don't give that Band-Aid another thought! Who else would have them while they're going through their mlc? Most of the ow appear to be trash or broken in one way or another. He was attracted to you 20 years ago because of you are a classy, intelligent woman. Right now he feels that he doesn't deserve you. Job is so right when she says that they feel guilt and shame. As they move further along in their journey, regain their self-esteem, confidence and redefine themselves they deal with the shame and guilt. From what I've read here some of them will ask for forgiveness, others can't forgive themselves (that's where my h is right now) and some come back without acknowledging that it was an issue.

You are doing so well! I've been away for 4 months and I've seen a change in you. I think it's detachment that I'm seeing.

Keep the focus on yourself and continue having fun, smile and be polite when you have to deal with your h. He WILL remember that.

[BrightFuture]

Hey, NLT. Thanks for the kind words and for giving me some perspective. It will be 3 years since BD in June, but you are right, H’s MLC started before that. Now I know what I was seeing. He was angry at things he was not before, he could not sleep, he as doing and saying some strange stuff.

There is something strange going on between H and this crazy woman. Still not sure what to make out of it. She is definitely a crazy one. But, H is good friends with her H. So, not sure what he is thinking and doing here. If there is anything going on between them, he must be completely out of his mind. Or, his “reasoning” chip is completely broken. If he thinks that he can have this kind of “close” friendship” with her and be friends with her H… IDK what to think anymore…

So, some thoughts and findings…

This woman had been H’s friend for a few years now, so is her H. But, it looks like now this friendship is developing into something different. Maybe. I think this crazy b!tch is having MLC on her own. Both of her kids are now in college, away from home. They were home-schooled. So, she must feel to be empty-nested or something. Whatever… It doesn’t bother me that much. It is actually pretty entertaining. The sad part of it could be that if it goes too far, H will be so screwed. Will he be able to live at the vacation place with all these people? But, I also realize that it is a different culture over there. Like my mutual GF said, it is so redneck.

Some other stuff I found out… H still has sleeping problems. Like he wakes up in the middle of the night and cannot sleep.

He becomes close friends with women and rides on high for a few months. Then it gets old…

Observations… He drove to the state he works. He started driving last Wednesday. I think he might have made the stop at his home city to see his HS friends, but I’m not so sure. At least it was not a party, like he would have previously.

He stopped at another state/city where his other brother lives and met with him, his W, their daughter and her H (who’s wedding he attended last fall.) This made me annoyed a little. He didn’t come through my city and didn’t want to meet or spend time with my son. But he made sure he saw his niece and nephew (her brother.)

He seems to want to be close friends with women. Until it gets old or weird. What is up with that? Is he looking for a mother figure? What is he looking for?

As for me, I’ve been a bit down lately. I feel tired again. I think the info about H seeing his family got me spinning again. I’m still dealing with unpleasant memories. I just need to figure out how to move past that.

I hope all this makes sense. My thoughts are all over the place.

[job]

Bright,
I'm sorry your thoughts are all over the place, but it's understandable after being around people you both know and enjoy interacting with.

About him visiting w/his family, many of the MLCers will become close to their family members once they are further along in crisis. It's that "going back to the fold" to revisit family life once more and try to recapture their youth. For example, my xh wasn't as close to his mother and even less so w/his brother, but once he left, it was like he became attached to the hip with both of them. It was the strangest thing. Another example of crazy making behavior, my xh really didn't like his job and took no interest in the outside activities that he could have participated in that his job offered. Behold! Once he left, he lived and breathed that job and still does. Why? Because it's the only thing he has in his life that is from the past and now into the future.

What I'm trying to say is that each case is different, but many of the elements are the same. The family ties are the ones that always interest me because they may have been either distant or somewhat distant w/family members, but they sure do change those dynamics once the crisis hits.

As for visiting w/your son, that may come later. If he follows the pattern of doing the opposite of returning to earth from leaving it previously, you and your son will be the last reconnections that take place. It could be a while before this happens, if it happens.

I know this stuff is frustrating and you want answers, but there is no rhyme or reason for what they do. You can analyze the situation until pigs fly, but the answers won't be there because it's so off the wall. One minute you think you've got it all figured out and the next minute, it's changed up again. That's why we emphasize not to over analyze because it will drive you crazy.

Continue moving forward and keep the focus on you. Okay?

[BrightFuture]

Job, very interesting facts about your xh. I’m curious about family ties too. My H was very close with my BIL (his brother) who lives in the same neighborhood with me. Now, he they are kind of strangers to each other. My BIL complained for past couple of years that H was not contacting him at all.

The other brother (who he just visited with) was not in contact too much after we moved from that state. H was not either, except for B-day calls and cards for holidays. He would stop by to see his brother’s family though on his way to/from the state where he works. This time he also wanted to see his niece and nephew. Well, I think I might know the motive here. This brother is the only one who is still married and with his family. I have a feeling that H is trying to be around family life. I think he misses that.

He was trying to be close with our mutual friends last year, inviting himself for dinners, etc. The only issue there is that they have a toddler, and H doesn’t like to be around little kids. So, this year, he “was close with another family”, the crazy woman’s family. Who knows what it is going to be next year…

[beatrice]

Bright - my xh got close to his brother and sisters after he left . . prior to this I was the one who kept in touch, mainly . Now it turns out (according to him, at our last meeting in February) that they think he is autistic. Hmmmm Stay around a MLCer long enough and the cracks show.

Just before he left he got together with an old friend from way back (who I suspect encouraged him to leave, based on the lies that my xh was then telling spreading our marriage. Friend had been unhappily married for years, but stayed with his wife - she was impossible, I kid you - and I think he projected his own unhappiness onto my xh) Now he is back in touch with this guy, who has now separated from his wife . . . . .

Fwiw I don't think he is autistic. Just not very good at getting along with people these days. Maybe not ever and I didn't notice.

[BrightFuture]

Hi Bea, thanks for the insights. I think MLCers have hard time connecting with people in a healthy way. My H was always very social, but he maintained the boundaries. Well, until he was not in love with me anymore, LOL.

Going back to what Job posted… If H is re-living some of his past, then I totally understand why he is connecting with his older brother. This was exactly the scenario when we got married. He was listening to his older brother and following his example. He was not so much fond of his other brother and said that his brother was just sleeping around kind of guy.

Over the years, he got closer with his other brother and more distant with the oldest one. The second brother was more fun, doing all kinds of things. And the older brother was a solid family man. I guess it became a bot boring for H…

I think he’s gone back to the old pattern recently. Trying to connect to the family life. Interesting…

Had a text and e-mail exchange with H. Yesterday I e-mailed him about the tax refund and company insurance that I got the bill for. I calculated the portion of refund and transferred money to his account. I also asked him if he wanted me to pay the insurance for the company or mail him the bill. In the text I informed him that I transferred the money and that the details are in the e-mail.

He responded to the text, thanking me for the info the money and telling me that he is back to the state where he works “for the season (too early)”. Haha, he kind of complained to me that it is “too early” for him to be back to work. Because… His life was supposed to be great with a few month of work and the rest of the year – partying and enjoying life at the vacation home. I suppose is still not working out this way…

He also asked me to send any “important” mail to his address in that state. I kind of ignored the “important” part… How am I supposed to know which mail is important to him and which is not… I think he means junk mail that I’ve been sending to him with the rest, LOL. Not my concern…

Then today, I got an e-mail from him , telling me that he has a night job, so he will probably not get up early tomorrow, so he will send the company file (which I also asked for) later tomorrow. Then he asks me to pay the company insurance bill “please”… Then he asks for an end of year statement for the condo mortgage. Oh, boy… I have a feeling that he is re-evaluating whether he can continue to pay the condo… Tough times…

Should I tell him to contact the crazy woman to see if she can handle all of that?

[BrightFuture]

H sent a company file. Addressing me by my name and being nice in his e-mail…

I hosted a Bunco group at my house last night. Hooked up with some people (neighbors) who I haven’t seen for a long time and met a few new people. It was fun. A couple of ladies asked me about my status, whether I was legally D’ed now. I said that I was not. I told them that I have a great life and my status doesn’t bother me for now. Plus, I don’t want that responsibility of being an initiator. I will wait for H to do it. Unless, I will need to do it myself for whatever reason. They also asked me if I was dating, to which I answered that I was not. And, again… I like my life the way it is now.

I left it at that. But, today, I’m having these thoughts… I’m evaluating where I’m… It will be 3 years since BD in a couple of months. I feel that I am in a place where I don’t really see H coming around and coming back, and that I don’t really want the man he is today. But, at the same time I feel that I’m still clinging to the thought that one day he might come around. It feels like I still have one foot in the old world. And now, with H being nice again, it reminds me of the times when he loved me and cared about me. And I loved him and cared about him…

I’ve just re-read the 6 stages of MLC by Heart Blessing. Yes, I did save that post before the purge on this board. I can clearly see the stages of Denial, Anger and Replay that my H went through. I thought I saw some Depression and Withdrawal last year. But, this is where it gets blurry… He might still be in Replay… Or, according to Hearts Blessing, when MLCer reaches the stage of Acceptance, he might still go back and revisit the other stages. She calls it a final rebellion, like for a teenager before he becomes an adult. From what I’ve heard and what I know, H regrets some of his decisions and actions. But, I think he is still trying to “fix” his life by continuing doing what he’s being doing.

I know that it is not popular here, analyzing where WAS is in terms of stages. I just feel that I need to do that in terms of knowing where I stand. Sometimes I think that my H will never exit from the stage of Replay. He will never hit the rock bottom. He has plenty of enablers to make him feel justified in making this choice and help him survive.

Anyway, all these sentiment… I’m just tired. I am invited to a B-day party today, but I don’t feel like going. I only know one person there, the B-day girl. She is 32 and most of her friends are around that age. So, I think I’m going to skip it and go to my sister’s instead. She already called me asking if I would be going to the party or not. It is good to know that my company is wanted tonight…

[BrightFuture]

OK, posting to myself again. Had a happy hour at the company event. That’s it… What am I looking for by posting updates? Don’t even know anymore... Sometimes it feels like everybody around me wants to scream at me “be done already!”

[beatrice]

No - just keep going Bright - everything will happen in its own time.

If and when you are done you will know.

[123Gwen]

I can relate Bright. Hang in there and know you are in control of how you move forward -nobody else. {{{hugs}}}

[job]

What are you looking for by posting updates? Good question. Are you journaling so that you can look back to see how far you have come, or are you looking for support or for someone to just listen? There are times when I don't know what to say to posters because of how they've posted. I have to go on the assumption that they need someone to just listen.

As for everybody wanted you to be done already. I can relate to that. People don't understand that MLC separations/divorces are not like the normal separations/divorces. People who are happy one minute and out the door the next are not normal. There is no lead up time whereby both parties are very unhappy w/life. MLC is like a long illness and then death occurs. Unless people have experienced a crisis situation such as MLC, they will not get it. Ignore them and live your life.

Bright, you will know when you've had enough.

[uRworthy]

Bright, I am one of those posters who doesnt like for people to look at the stages of MLC as definitive. First of all because they all handle their crisis differently. Secondly because we cant possibly know what is in their heads. Some go through all the phases, some dont. Some go through and up and around them again and some dont.

It is good as a somewhat broad outline and I think that's how it should be used. Otherwise we can get caught up in where they are...and thats not where we need to be.

There isnt any timeline for the spouse of someone in crisis (I dislike the acronym LBS - ).

We all walk this in our own time and in our own way. If people dont like it, thats on them, not on us.

I always feel as long as there is some movement forward, even small ones, then you are doing ok. Its when we get stuck at one part, that doesnt serve us well.

You get to where you need to be when you do. This is your journey. You keep walking it.

[BrightFuture]

Thanks for your support, Bea, Gwen, Job, uRworthy. I’m keep going… Just have some moments sometimes…

Job, journaling is not exactly my thing. I’m more likely looking for some feedback, for some response when I post. By the time I post, I’ve already done all the journaling in my head. The reason I’m still on this board that people still listen to me, as opposed to my friends and family, who want nothing to do with my feelings anymore. Job, you are the one who keeps me grounded. Your advice is always well thought out and right on target.

uR, I’m very grateful that you stopped by and posted your thoughts. I‘ve been reading your advice on other threads and I’ve been trying to apply it to my situation. I get what you are saying, that it is not possible to know what in other people’s heads. I also think you hit the nail in the head when you said “Otherwise we can get caught up in where they are...and thats not where we need to be.”

This is how I feel right now. I feel like my head is not in the right place, like I’m stuck and don’t know how to get out of this… I almost feel what H is feeling. Does it make sense? I wish I would express my feeling better. It looks like I’m moving on… But, it also feels like I’m back to where I was…

I’ve been having these feelings of deep disbelieve and hurt recently, the same feelings I had right after the BD. It will be years in June…

I just wish there was already time when I had enough… I don’t know when this time comes… I wish very soon…

[LouR]

Bright - you make perfect sense to me. I think only those who are going through or have been through a MLC sep/d can fully understand and identify with how you are feeling and what you are going through.

Some of my friends are well over feeling compassion for me, they can't understand why I am not angry, why I don't trash h and why when asked if I would take him back I still say "possibly". I don't confide in those friends anymore, I stick to the ones I know support me whatever I do and for however long it takes.

There is no time limit on these things, there is so much to process and let go of. One day will you realise that your heart and head feels more calm and at peace, it will happen when you are good and ready - I know how frustrating it is though, its holds you against your will doesn't it, taking you back and forth, round and round. You just want to get off this rollercoaster and go on a more sedate ride - Bright, its all part of healing your mind, body and soul.

Know that your loved, cared about and supported, you have allowed me in to your world and I am humbled by that. Thank you.

[job]

Bright,
Please go back and re-read the recent postings to you. They all say the same thing...it takes time and each person is different and handles the crisis in their own unique way. You will get to where you think you need to be when you are ready. Until that time, live your life to the fullest and know that no matter what happens, you are going to be okay.

BTW, you've reached the 100th posting/reply...time to think about a new thread.

[beatrice]

Bright - I was just emailng with an old friend whose xh also had a MLC. For us it is a long time and yet she emailed me yesterday saying that she still had moments of disbelief that this had happened to her - she has survived it, but it is incredible that someone could act that way.

Trauma is difficult to get past.

Unfortunately for many the touchstone sems to be 'are you in a new relationship? (yet)' Even some posters here I am sorry to say.

This is so not the point. If we meet someone new, great, but if dealing with MLC has taught me one thing it is to be very careful.

A new relationship is so right for some people and turns out to be not at all what some of us really want in life. But we don't find this out right away.

Please don't think I am knocking those who meet up with a new person and are happy - that is great, but it isn't either the purpose of our journey nor is it a sign that we have healed.

We want happy endings, but I always wonder what happens next, after the honeymoon?

[123Gwen]

I think everyone has some great wisdom here. Often times friends and family want you to have a new relationship so they will feel better. This is only about what you need Birght.

Maybe it is time for a new goal or project? Something to get you a bit excited and distracted. Something to focus on for a bit and help you feel better. Maybe a weekend trip or even a new hobby?

I find that mixing things up a tiny bit is a huge help when I start to feel low.