Bright, I can't even imagine someone telling you such stuff...but the alcohol loosened her lips. Continue to listen because you know what? Much of what she told you possibly is the truth, i.e., not the married part.
I'm so sorry you had to be exposed to her and her loose lips. I do hope that you can enjoy the rest of your time there.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bright Hope you had and or still having great time on your vacation.
IGNORE fools who want to bring you down emotionally or mentally.
Keep up your focus on YOU.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
So, H didn’t show up at the friend’s house. Not sure why. I was quite sure he would be there, because another guy friend who called me to let me know about the party, told me to bring my dog, so H could see him. This friend told me that he heard from H that he misses the dog. Oh, well.
So, here is the second part of that day (after golf tournament, at the town.) I and my GF arrived at the bar/restaurant where everybody was meeting. Everybody was already there. H was there, talking with my mutual friend (male). We said hi to everybody, and I went to greet my female mutual friend. She had her 2 ½ son on the chair next to her. When he saw me, he lit up and wanted me to hold him. He was so excited to see me. Some people were surprised. I’ve heard some “wow!”s.
That crazy woman (H’s drunk buddy who was taking pictures in her bra with everyone) was also there. She made a move towards me again and said how happy she was to see me. WTF again! So, my friend’s kid kind of saved me from her, because he was in my arms, giving me hugs and putting his head on my shoulder. So, I was kind of busy, as you can tell…
Well, I looked great in my leggings and red blouse! So, I had a lot of attention from the guys. My so called “boyfriend” was hanging around, giving the compliments and trying to be funny. I didn’t pay for a single drink. A few guys wanted to buy me one. And for my GF.
At one point, I was next to H. My GF went on the other side of the bar. She asked me to hold her purse for a second, so she could get another chair, or something. So, H was so kind to pass her purse and my jacket in between us. He was trying to make a joke, but I honestly didn’t get it. At this time I took a good look at him. He did not look good. I don’t know what it was, but at that moment I felt sorry for him. It must have been not very pleasant to see the xW (me) getting all the attention from other guys. I don’t even know why he stayed there.
This crazy woman was lingering close by for a while and I overheard some conversation between her and H. Now, some of this is my guessing, because I didn’t hear the whole conversation, but my intuition kicked in. I bet she asked him about our split. His words were that “oh well, it was a bad situation at the time”. And then I heard him saying “But, I’m still a Mr. Bright (his and my last name.) He repeated it twice.
He tried to make more jokes, but they didn’t come out right. I think at this point he doesn’t even know how to be around me. I didn’t give him much attention, I was busy talking to other people.
Then most of the people went for a walk. It was a tequila festival in town as well. I and my two GFs (one who lives there) stayed at the bar for a little longer and then went for a walk too.
Overall, I think I overshadowed H over the weekend. I probably kind of spoiled it for him, LOL. I was at the party next day and he wasn’t. I bet he couldn't take it anymore. I think all the guys (friends of friends) knew how we were related. One of the guys (married) gave me a compliment at the party, saying that I was a very nice person and H was a fool.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
So, wanted to have a separate post about my feelings. My feelings went from indifference when I heard the story about H and crazy woman staying in same room on their trip, to feeling sorry for H looking at him while we were at the bar, to feeling really sad next morning. Sad about what was, and that he was not the H I knew anymore. He is a different person who choose to have a different life.
I know he is not happy. I know he feels like he painted himself to the corner. But, I don’t think he knows how to get out of there. It looks like he is continuing to dig himself deeper in the hole.
And I’m sad too. I remember what it used to be, but I have no interest in H the way he is now. Am I crazy? I still don’t know how to reconcile the two worlds.
In a way, learning this “cr@p” about H helps me to detach more. But, at the same time I think it closes the door to a possible R, if there is any possibility of it. Does it make sense?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I'm so sorry you had to hear what you did....you've been dealing with this for so long.
You and I have much in common.. Being sad for the guy who no longer exists?? Oh, yes.... I know that pain well.
Here's the thing.... Ruling out any possibility of a R in the future is up to you. But consider this: 3 years ago, did you ever imagine you would be here?? What crazy thing could happen 3 years from now that you may not imagine today??
No one knows what the future holds. You just never know.
Live your life. Find your inner "amazing".... Because it's in there.
The chances of him coming back (if that's what you want) are far greater once you finally cut the rope, and live your fabulous life. After he's done and baked.... You having a life will be extremely attractive to him. Or...... Someone even better for you than he will ever be.
You're an amazing gal, Bright!! You deserve better.
Now about your h. It's true, he doesn't know how to interact w/you because you both have changed quite a bit during the crisis. He may feel uncomfortable round you because he is very much aware of what he's done. Guilt and shame play a role in all of this and until he can figure out how to cross that bridge and become comfortable enough to be around you again, he's going to appear to have a bit of a wall up.
Bright, yes, he's painted himself into a corner and he doesn't know how to get out. They all do this and it's going to take some time before he figures things out. He has now seen you w/friends and family members and he knows that you harbor no ill will against him. I'm hoping that as times moves along, he'll come to realize that you are not the reason for his problems.
Your weekend was a fun, busy and educational one for you. You now have had a good view of what has been happening. He's not a happy camper and it shows in most of what he does. I hope that what you learned over the weekend will help you to detach a bit more.
His journey is not yet over and I do hope that when he does cross he finish line that he comes to the realization that he had a wonderful wife who loved him and would have done anything for him. Bright, never forget this....you are the prize!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Shining, thanks, your words made me to tear up. You are right, I don’t know where I’m going to be in 3 years. I already have a pretty good life, and hope that it will only change for even better. I feel that H already finds himself attracted to my life, he just cannot admit it even to himself. I don’t know if I would want for him to come back. I guess I will know when and if I know.
Job, thank you. I try to remind myself that I’m the prize. This time, he will have to work a lot harder to win it though. I think he knows that and it might be a huge obstacle for him. But, you know what, if he really wants it badly, he will do the work. Until then, I will continue to laugh and smile and enjoy my time with my friends. I think you are right about him feeling more comfortable with me and my friends and family members. I think he tested the waters with my BIL (my sister’s H), with my son and his GF, and now with my friends, and he saw that nobody is rejecting him because of what he did.
Small update. Found out that H is now friends with my son on FB. I was curious about that, whether he would even invite or accept my son (don’t know who sent an invite, H or my son.) At least on my son’s part, he is open for communication. It’s my boy! BTW, I’m not friends with my son on FB. This might be the reason H invited/accepted him.
Received a text today (15th of the month) from H about the money transfer. Instead of just regular “Transferred $XXXX to your account”, it started with “Hi Bright, I hope you had a good time over the weekend”. Ha! I replied that I had a great time and thanked him for the money.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, You ARE the prize. That is something that we all have to remind ourselves of and we have to do it often! This journey that we are on gets tiring at times and we just want to walk away from all of it. We do have that option as Shining said and can leave our R/M when we choose. I look at it this way. I've been at this for 4+ years if we count the beginning my h journey. I think that's about the same amount of time that you've been dealing with you h's mlc as well. I have decided to watch it play out while as I enjoy my new life.
It's always harder when we have interactions with them. It hurts to see them struggling with their issues, trying to find their way and what's up with their appearance? The Mothership should seriously consider adding a Spa! In some ways it would be easier if they went away and came back when they were fully baked. LOL
That woman that you h "married" sounds like a real prize, doesn't she? Don't give that Band-Aid another thought! Who else would have them while they're going through their mlc? Most of the ow appear to be trash or broken in one way or another. He was attracted to you 20 years ago because of you are a classy, intelligent woman. Right now he feels that he doesn't deserve you. Job is so right when she says that they feel guilt and shame. As they move further along in their journey, regain their self-esteem, confidence and redefine themselves they deal with the shame and guilt. From what I've read here some of them will ask for forgiveness, others can't forgive themselves (that's where my h is right now) and some come back without acknowledging that it was an issue.
You are doing so well! I've been away for 4 months and I've seen a change in you. I think it's detachment that I'm seeing.
Keep the focus on yourself and continue having fun, smile and be polite when you have to deal with your h. He WILL remember that.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Hey, NLT. Thanks for the kind words and for giving me some perspective. It will be 3 years since BD in June, but you are right, H’s MLC started before that. Now I know what I was seeing. He was angry at things he was not before, he could not sleep, he as doing and saying some strange stuff.
There is something strange going on between H and this crazy woman. Still not sure what to make out of it. She is definitely a crazy one. But, H is good friends with her H. So, not sure what he is thinking and doing here. If there is anything going on between them, he must be completely out of his mind. Or, his “reasoning” chip is completely broken. If he thinks that he can have this kind of “close” friendship” with her and be friends with her H… IDK what to think anymore…
So, some thoughts and findings…
This woman had been H’s friend for a few years now, so is her H. But, it looks like now this friendship is developing into something different. Maybe. I think this crazy b!tch is having MLC on her own. Both of her kids are now in college, away from home. They were home-schooled. So, she must feel to be empty-nested or something. Whatever… It doesn’t bother me that much. It is actually pretty entertaining. The sad part of it could be that if it goes too far, H will be so screwed. Will he be able to live at the vacation place with all these people? But, I also realize that it is a different culture over there. Like my mutual GF said, it is so redneck.
Some other stuff I found out… H still has sleeping problems. Like he wakes up in the middle of the night and cannot sleep.
He becomes close friends with women and rides on high for a few months. Then it gets old…
Observations… He drove to the state he works. He started driving last Wednesday. I think he might have made the stop at his home city to see his HS friends, but I’m not so sure. At least it was not a party, like he would have previously.
He stopped at another state/city where his other brother lives and met with him, his W, their daughter and her H (who’s wedding he attended last fall.) This made me annoyed a little. He didn’t come through my city and didn’t want to meet or spend time with my son. But he made sure he saw his niece and nephew (her brother.)
He seems to want to be close friends with women. Until it gets old or weird. What is up with that? Is he looking for a mother figure? What is he looking for?
As for me, I’ve been a bit down lately. I feel tired again. I think the info about H seeing his family got me spinning again. I’m still dealing with unpleasant memories. I just need to figure out how to move past that.
I hope all this makes sense. My thoughts are all over the place.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, I'm sorry your thoughts are all over the place, but it's understandable after being around people you both know and enjoy interacting with.
About him visiting w/his family, many of the MLCers will become close to their family members once they are further along in crisis. It's that "going back to the fold" to revisit family life once more and try to recapture their youth. For example, my xh wasn't as close to his mother and even less so w/his brother, but once he left, it was like he became attached to the hip with both of them. It was the strangest thing. Another example of crazy making behavior, my xh really didn't like his job and took no interest in the outside activities that he could have participated in that his job offered. Behold! Once he left, he lived and breathed that job and still does. Why? Because it's the only thing he has in his life that is from the past and now into the future.
What I'm trying to say is that each case is different, but many of the elements are the same. The family ties are the ones that always interest me because they may have been either distant or somewhat distant w/family members, but they sure do change those dynamics once the crisis hits.
As for visiting w/your son, that may come later. If he follows the pattern of doing the opposite of returning to earth from leaving it previously, you and your son will be the last reconnections that take place. It could be a while before this happens, if it happens.
I know this stuff is frustrating and you want answers, but there is no rhyme or reason for what they do. You can analyze the situation until pigs fly, but the answers won't be there because it's so off the wall. One minute you think you've got it all figured out and the next minute, it's changed up again. That's why we emphasize not to over analyze because it will drive you crazy.
Continue moving forward and keep the focus on you. Okay?
