[AJM]

Hey Bright, now that you've had a chance to process, how goes it?

AJ

[BrightFuture]

Hey AJ, funny you asked. I was just about to post about that.

So, today I’m still processing the events from this weekend. Even though I was prepared for H’s visit and thought that I didn’t care, it still shook me off a bit. I realized that there was a little bit of hope deep inside to see something positive. This little tiny hope came to the surface and now I feel like there is a battle going on inside of me. This little hope is fighting with the feelings of disgust and disappointment about what H has become.

Then, I’ve been having these thoughts again, that H is not in MLC. It is just who he is and always has been, I just didn’t see it clearly enough. My BIL (sister’s H) told me that H looked and behaved normal, with the exception of the remark about the smart phone and Facebook.

H seems to understand where he is in life, he is enjoying his life, having fun, meeting with people… He looked normal to me too when I saw him the other day. So, maybe this whole MLC thing is just in my head to keep my hope alive. And there is nothing wrong with H, he is not in crisis, it is just H stopped loving me because I was just not good enough for him. Notice, I said “good enough for him”, meaning he just needs a different person to be his companion and soul mate. That is all it is.

Oh, forgot to mention my thoughts about H’s comment that he has changed. 2 years ago one of his reasons that our M would never work was that “people just don’t change”. He meant that he could not see me changing from that “negative” person he said I was to someone who could be fun to be with again.

[123Gwen]

Bright- I can totally relate to wondering if MLC is the reason H left me or was I just not worthy of being married to after 25 years? Honestly I believe MLC is the catalyst and very real. It is also easy to use the label MLC as an excuse for bad behavior or as a reason to hang onto the M rather than focus on ourselves.

I think I love my H enough to let him go and now I am trying to love myself enough to quit giving him any energy (negative or positive). All my effort and time and emotion is best spent on the present and with the people in my life now. The heart of DBusting is saving yourself and that is never more true when dealing with MLC.

Bright, it's been a bumpy road and you've come a long way but your posts seem to imply you still have expectations. Try to let them go and free up some room in your heart for something even better to reside there.

You didn't imagine your M or your truth. Hope is not a bad thing if you don't use it as an excuse to shy away from living an independent life.

[AJM]

What Gwen said and then some.

Oh, forgot to mention my thoughts about H’s comment that he has changed. 2 years ago one of his reasons that our M would never work was that “people just don’t change”. He meant that he could not see me changing from that “negative” person he said I was to someone who could be fun to be with again.

So... what's your thought on this? Was he a martyr to stay married to you for 17 years? Was he right that "people" don't change?

I doubt it on both counts. Does that mean there's hope? There is as long as you say there is. But I have to wonder if you'd want to go back to the way things were or if you're just missing the 'old' days a bit

I won't lie to you. I had those kind of feelings. I'd love nothing better to have reconciled my relationship with my ex. Notice I didn't say have a relationship with her. But since she is unavailable for that task, and although one day it *might* happen, I'm not waiting for that. No matter what happens or happened, I don't want a relationship with my ex. I did for a long time. I'd be surprised in a good way if she were to write a note and explain it all and apologize for the damage she's done.

Pigs might fly of their own accord too. Or as my grandmother used to put it, if frogs had wings, hummingbirds wouldn't f*ck with 'em (verbatim). Things are as they are. The question then becomes, what are you going to do about it?

You don't walk away from a 17 year marriage because your spouse doesn't make you happy any longer. Is it MLC? Who knows? But no, you walk away because you're unhappy. And you don't lie, cheat, belittle the other person because of it. Nobody walks away from a relationship that has lasted that long if they are "normal" There's a problem with him, but it's not one that is going to be solved by you. And he may never solve it. That's sad, but it's his choice how he deals with himself. Don't be confused by the story.

And that's really the part that chaps many of us. The unilateral choices where once there was teamwork.

Were you perfect? Not likely. Were you a good wife. Likely. Were you a good companion? Likely again. It's not you and it's not in your control. That's the risk we all take when we make a commitment in a relationship. You can stick around and hope. That's human. But at some point, you'll have to stop holding your breath and decide that you don't want him in your life and go be the best you that you can. Only you get to decide that, as unfair as it seems. Or, looked at another way, as good as it seems because that is your choice.

Keep at it, Bright. Be you. While you wait to see what happens, drop the expectations and deal with things as they come. It's ok to put that hope on a shelf. It'll be there later if you need to dust it off and want to take the risk with him.

AJ

[beatrice]

Nobody walks away from a relationship that has lasted that long if they are "normal" There's a problem with him, but it's not one that is going to be solved by you. And he may never solve it. That's sad, but it's his choice how he deals with himself. Don't be confused by the story.

AJ is on the money. I think most of us doubt the MLC story at times. But since my xh has faithfully followed the script I am inclined to believe it.

As to family - my xh now tells me that his siblings think he is autistic!! They do pass for normal until you watch them closely, and then the cracks show.

[BrightFuture]

Gwen, I don’t know if I would call it expectations. I think I had some hope, but no expectations. Actually, just the opposite might be true, IDK. I totally expect him to be short and business like, and he has actually being pretty nice recently, addressing me by name all the time, which was not the case a year ago.

AJ, thanks for the post. Your insights are very valuable to me.

So... what's your thought on this? Was he a martyr to stay married to you for 17 years? Was he right that "people" don't change? I doubt it on both counts.

According to his words, he was not happy for the last 2-3 years before the BD, so it could be that he considered himself a martyr. I knew he was not right about “people don’t change”. I was just pointing out that he disproved himself about that.

Does that mean there's hope? There is as long as you say there is. But I have to wonder if you'd want to go back to the way things were or if you're just missing the 'old' days a bit

No, I don’t want to go back to the way things were, and you are right I just miss the old days.

Pigs might fly of their own accord too. Or as my grandmother used to put it, if frogs had wings, hummingbirds wouldn't f*ck with 'em (verbatim).

– Love that

You don't walk away from a 17 year marriage because your spouse doesn't make you happy any longer. Is it MLC? Who knows? But no, you walk away because you're unhappy. And you don't lie, cheat, belittle the other person because of it.

He actually didn’t lie, cheat or belittled me. Well, I say didn’t cheat in his own mind. There was no OW per se. I think there was a close friendship and probably some interest which he didn’t consider cheating at that time.

And that's really the part that chaps many of us. The unilateral choices where once there was teamwork.

Yes, it has been the hard part to accept that the decision was made without me having any say in it.

But at some point, you'll have to stop holding your breath and decide that you don't want him in your life and go be the best you that you can.

I think I came very close to this. And this is where he decided to visit, LOL.

I think I’ve been pretty much dealing with things as they come up recently. Thanks for the visual about putting the hope on the shelf. I can totally see it there, just hope it will not get too dusty .

Bea, thanks for the prospective. My sister’s H shows some signs of MLC sometimes, so no surprise there, that he considered H “normal” .

[BrightFuture]

Have been having tough time for the last couple of days. I think I'm sliding into another episode of depression. My life seems to be turned upside down and the future is not looking so promising today.

Thanks for listening.

[job]

Be kind to yourself. Meeting w/your h has knocked your footing loose a bit. What do you mean that your life has burned upside down and the future is not looking so promising? Did something happen at work?

[Wonka]

Sweet Bright,

This caught my attention. Are you alright, sweetie? Have a chat with us around the fire pit and we'll be right here. Ok?

[job]

edit alert:

Third sentence should read: "What do you mean that your life has "turned" upside down and the future is not looking so promising?"

BTW, Wonka is so right...we are here for you.