I’m still trying to let go… And hopefully making a slow, but steady progress…
Nothing much to update. I did some yard work over the weekend and today I’m so sore. I replaced the wood chip beds at the front of the house. Had to remove the old wood chips, remove a layer of dirt, tore down the old landscape fabric, then place the new one and finally top it off with new wood chips. I think every single muscle in my body got worked and now hurts.
This is where I missed the team work on the projects we used to have with H. I definitely could use some help. But... I did it all by myself. It looks great now. I still need to get a couple more bags of wood chips for better coverage, and it will take some more lifting. These bags are heavy. Good work out for my tummy and my arms though, LOL.
RAI, you might be right, and H is trying to compensate for being such a j!rk for the last couple of years. But, I still think he is just super happy right now, after his trip with his drunken, obnoxious crowd.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Sounds like you've been doing a lot of "manual" labor over the weekend. Boy, that can take a toll on those muscles that haven't been used for that type of work in a while. I'm sure your place looks refreshed and beautiful. You have a lot to be proud of in the work that you are doing.
Be kind to yourself. Letting go is not a sprint, but a marathon and it will take some time to do so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bea, thanks. Yes, I was reading job’s post tread about depression. I will post my thoughts when I have more time. I find more signs in myself though… At least I know what it is.
Job, thank you. Yes, those muscles have not been used, as I haven’t done the yard work for quite some time. As a result, I have a lot to catch up with. The front of the house looks much better. There is still some more work to do. The backyard is a disaster though. I need to get motivated for that part. Or… Hire some help...
I know it is not much approved here, but I did look at H’s FB again yesterday. It seems like he changed the privacy setting, so I was not seeing any updates, until… I became friends with one of his friends. Actually this lady and her H were my friends first. They also have a place at the vacation home, and this is how we met. Anyway, I saw a couple of pictures posted by somebody else with H in them. On one of the pictures he is in the car packed with the women. He is on the back seat and there are three women with him, one of them sitting on his lap. Before, I would get my heart racing by looking at this. This time, I felt NOTHING! OMG, I really felt nothing! He looks so pathetic on this picture.
So, I was waiting until today to see if this feeling of feeling nothing would change. It didn’t! I don’t know what to make out of this yet, but it feels different.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Dont follow H on FB, we have to avoid "checking" "peeking"..( you just read mine post,,,I dont even know if it was my imagination)
Maybe you still feel nothing cause you are detached and moving on.
All we can do is keep the focus on ourselves.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy, Gwen, thanks for stopping by. I don’t need my imagination to paint the picture of “old” H, I want the facts. This is what I get from the FB. And it seems to be helping me to detach more. Plus, I think he changed his privacy settings and I don’t see much updates there. Don’t really care. I think I’ve seen enough.
Small update. Got a text from H this morning, saying that he might be coming to town and if there are any tax issues he can take care of. Addressed me by my name… I was very busy at work, so I didn’t reply until I got home. I just replied with the question “business or personal”. Didn’t feel like I wanted to put in the sentence and sugarcoat it. No reply back from him. He is probably partying with the friends, LOL.
I have a feeling that he was trying to avoid the tax subject, but I’ve been silent on that too. I was waiting for him to bring this subject. I know that I’m going to do the taxes anyway, but I also knew that I had time. I was wondering when and if he would ask me. Here we go, LOL.
I don’t feel any emotion about him coming. The only thing I’m kind of thinking about is how my house looks. If he would come into the house with some excuse, while I’m not here… I have a little mess in the house in certain places. I just don’t want him to see that, just like I would not want any stranger to see my mess. Anyway, I will try to clean up a little. But, other than that, my heart is not rushing, I don’t have a knot in my stomach, I’m calm. Sweet!
Not sure what brings him to town. This is a bit different. I’m not aware of any events that he might be coming for. Car oil change? Maintenance? But, he is so determined to live in the vacation home. I’m sure there are places for oil change and maintenance. He better let me know if he wants something from the house… Ahead of time… Maybe he is ready to file for D? Will see…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hey Bright! That's great you aren't getting the knot in your stomach or racing heart with h coming to town. That's a good feeling to not be phased. Good for you.
His "partying" will only be fun for awhile, I'm sure. Once he realizes that it really isn't fulfilling anything for him. It's an avoidance. And boy do they love to avoid. Numb. Disengage. Hide. It's one in the same.
But you, my dear, are doing so well. I'm happy you are finding your way, Bright. Kudos to you! Cheers!
Thanks, Mighty. Today I feel a little bit uneasy though. This morning H replied to my message from yesterday where I asked "business or personal". His reply: "either. On my way now". Ha? I didn't even say anything yet about needing his help on taxes. It is kind of awkward.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hmmmm... interesting, Bright! Maybe he doesn't know what he wants to meet about... maybe he likes the suspense.... perhaps he doesn't want to say. Who know? But, probably he is looking to engage. Temp check. See where you are after this time.
Be the amazing girl you are. I know you will. Always so composed.. man I have a lot to learn about that!
