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I think you've pretty much figured out why he doesn't want to do things w/you....he doesn't want to get close and actually feel something for you. They tend to make excuses when we ask them to do things w/us, not only do they not want to be around us all that much, but they also do not want to commit to anything. They like to "young and free". They never know what might come up and they don't want to feel like the bad person should they need to cancel. You mentioned to him about not wanting to do things w/you and you got your answer for now...he doesn't want to do things w/you at this point, so stop now you know not to ask him.

As for asking him about the divorce and if he's thought about not getting it...you may want to stop asking him. The questions you ask are not giving you the answers you are seeking. I'm going to suggest that you not bring up any more topics on your relationship and divorce w/him. The more you ask about he divorce, the more determined he's going to want it.

Try to keep the focus on you and your children. I know you have questions, but his answers are most likely going to be negative and not what you want to hear. I'm sorry, he's still in the deep part of his tunnel for now.

Take care.

Last edited by job; 11/26/14 12:49 PM.
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Hi Job,

Thanks for the comment. Yes, I won't be asking anymore. And as far as asking about the divorce, we were talking about all the issues his attorney keeps creating. It just slipped out.
I have not asked about the divorce or the OW in a long time.
I just wanted to see if I was thinking correctly about H not wanting to get to close for fear of feelings. In the past he'd just say no. I don't want to be around you. The "not ready yet" shocked me as he would say that last split up a lot. When I would ask about something and he'd say I'm not ready yet. He said that in the beginning this time but quickly changed to no, never, no going to happen.
I now longer expect anything anymore. Just was shocked by his statement.
Thanks again.


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 502
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Happy Thanksgiving!


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
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Happy Thanksgiving to you too!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi all. It's been a long time since I've been here. Not much has changed still getting a divorce, sort of its on hold.H's attorney is still doing all she can to milk money cause conflict. They cancelled the court date in October
because she couldn't get our documents together.
So we made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Christmas was bad we had a huge fight over nothing he was just angry and lashing out. Then I found out that his gf was supposed to come up here and see him over Christmas because he did not have the kids, I did. And I guess he told her not to, he wanted to spend time with his family. But boy was he angry at me. I have noticed that when he has conflict or fights with her he takes it out on me. Of course he does! I've always been as whipping post lol.
So since December I have decided to do all I can to be super sweet and super nice. Then Friday I said something he didn't like and game on he lashed out at me and we got in a fight. Later on that day, I sucked it up and called him and apologised and said I was wrong. Even though it wasn't all at fault.
He did tell me that these broke up with her because she's long distance he works too much and the rest of the time he spends with our kids. He's rather be with our kids he said. They made it one year.
Anyway he sent me a text saying we can never get along you just can't do it. You only made it three weeks and we started fighting. He hates me and leave him alone.
I guess I should be happy that he was counting the weeks that we got along. I was just shocked that he even noticed.
He still determined to get a divorce he said he called his attorney last week I'm just trying to get another court date. Its fine. Maybe he's always been an angry person and I just never noticed I don't now. Maybe he's angry at me because they broke up or he just really hates me!!
We don't talk about anthing except the kids anymore, he doesn't ask me to help him with any of his job hunting. He is determined to be independent. Thank you for listening.


excuse my typing mistakes if there any I'm doing this on my phone.


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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He's angry, not at you, but at the entire world and yes, the biggest one...himself. Just leave him alone. If he wants to see the kids, fine...but you don't have to participate in the visits. It's time to step back and allow him alone time w/the kids and you do something for you. It's time he begin to realize that w/a divorce things change. It's time for you to keep that focus on you.

He's not ever going to miss you if you are always there for him. Let him go. He needs to grow up and learn to appreciate what he had and lost.

You are far too much living to do to be playing "mom" to this man child. Your world has been rocked, but it's been rocking for some time w/his back and forth relationship. You need to your balance and begin living your life for you.

Keep the focus on you and allow your h to twirl in the wind by himself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job.
Yes, I've just had no communication with him for over a week. That's probably the longest we've ever gone. I'm determined to just stay away and not talk to him .
Well today he called and I let it go to VM. Left a very nice mesh starting with good morning ending in have a great day. I waited a few hours and answered via text. It was about kids.
Then late this afternoon he called again when he new I'd be off work. Again to VM said he forfogt to tell me some other stuff like bringing the truck over after getting a new tire and bring wood if needed.
Ha. Funny how after NC again with the wanting to do things for me. I just texted back politely we are good and no thanks for the wood.
I feel so empowered and good. Took a year but finally I'm okay without him.
oh I'm sure now that I have decided finally let it go and be without him he won't be able to handle it. I will not give in this time he knows that I will start talking to him if he calls and is nice. Not this time.

Last edited by NotAgainPlease; 02/14/15 03:29 AM.

M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 502
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Its been 11 days of pretty much no contact. At least for me. He will call or text very friendly and I will text back a few words. No hi how are you? back from me. He called me 2 times in a day last week I only texted a few words back. Today, I got the hi how are you? bla bla bla. I just texted back OK.
I know that doesn't seem like much nc but in the year since separatation we have never gone more than 3 days we text/talk multiple times a day. Not always pleasant.
It's taking all I have but I'm doing it and will continue. I can't go on the way we've been. He knows I'll always be here and also talk to him. No more!


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 502
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OP Offline
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Joined: May 2007
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Well its been forever since I've been here. Not a lot has changed and a lot has at the same time.
We are not divorced. Stbx says it's my fault. We are using one attorney he hired. I have turned in all that is asked. She hasn't done anything since October. He keeps saying when I bring it up every once in awhile she said she'd contact me.
He is still with the one you left me for and she is still long distance. However she comes up every other weekend to see him. And she says when my kids are there what really bothers me but I guess there's nothing I can do.
We get along for a while and then something is said he doesn't like and the s*** hit. I rarely contact him anymore because he's always so angry. And when I don't contact him then he's nice to me. He now lives down the street closer. I asked my son if I could pick him up and he can help me move something and I bring him right back. He asked his dad and came back and said no its his weekend do it when I have it. So I called my stbx and ask him why I couldn't haven't for a few minutes and bring him right back since technically it was my weekend can I let him come over to go away with him for the weekend. He said I never told him that I told him to tell you we were busy and had to go to town. I've been asked if you could please bring me my check if you. She said fine and he brought my son. My son said to me mom he did tell me that. I asked my stbx he would say that and he said it's none of your damn business what I tell him we were busy. Nice daddy is the frozen cat under the bus. I did not know the girlfriend was here and I have learned that when he is really nasty to it's when she is here or she can hear him talking to me. Otherwise you try to be nice to me especially if I'm ignoring him.
I've learned that he is a narcissist and I am codependent.
I am solely trying to work at this and realize that my relationship really was never good I was always longing for more and wanting something that he could not or would not give to me. I feeling sad a lot especially now when I feel that is girlfriend is taking over my life with my kids. I realize I will always be there mom but it still hurts me to know that they like her even though they know what she did to us.
I have tried to go on dates but I haven't found anyone special yet. I have to finally get over the fact that we will never be back together and even if we were to it would not be right for me.


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
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I'm sorry to read that your divorce hasn't taken place.

So, you've turned in all of your paperwork to the one attorney and nothing has been done since October? Don't ask your h again about it...call the attorney yourself and find out what is going on. For all you know, he's told her not to do anything w/the paperwork. Besides, why would he push for a divorce when he's got everything just the way he wants it? He's got you right where he wants you. He does love control and manipulation and if you were to divorce, that control would go away.

As for calling him up on weekends...now that you know that the ow is there, I wouldn't do so again. I would also treat him as a "just a friend" when he calls being so nice, etc., when she's gone. It's time to step back from him and detach even more. Only have conversations w/him about your son.

Do yourself a favor...call the attorney today to inquire about the status of your divorce. It's unacceptable that she hasn't been in contact w/you since October.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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