Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
You're lucky. At least he's being passive and not going after your money or creating custody issues. However, I wonder if he doesn't have something up his sleeve that explains his weird behavior? He's obviously not telling you everything.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Ahoy #2548909 03/18/15 08:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
raliced Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Thanks Ahoy. I don't think he has anything up his sleeve (everything is signed and sealed).

Right after BD, I read all kinds of stuff about the "affair bubble" and maybe his behavior is just a reflection of that - he's just withdrawn as much as humanly possible into another world.

I'm amazed that I'm not more jaded at this point. I felt a little sick to my stomach when I realized he must have had a landline all along.

Last edited by raliced; 03/18/15 08:54 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
If I could explain it I would. I think it comes down to -- if they made the same kind of choices we make we might understand their behaviors better. But we don't. So it's all just nutty.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
Yes, totally nutty. And not something you need in your life. When is your court date to finalize?


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Ahoy #2549076 03/19/15 01:12 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
I think it takes such great strength and courage to look inward and make changes in yourself. Unless there is like severe, untreated mental illness or abuse,relationships can be worked on. But not everyone has the capacity to imagine or, more importantly, to dig deep within themselves to acknowledge their role. It's sad, but I think I am finally understanding the part about how it's not "over" until I decide it's over, and what truly dropping the rope means.

It means I have to change my vision of what I thought my H was. He is just limited in his ability/willingness to self-reflective or change. I understand. ..those things are very hard to do because they require us to face ugly truths about ourselves. Not everyone is willing to do that.

I want to be with someone who is. Our WAS will seek someone "easier" or more compatible, but when the reality of their inability to work on a relationship surfaces again... well, they will realize.

It's sad and selfish but out of our hands.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
raliced Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Thanks All,

You know even as I typed it out - I knew there was no explaining it.

I think one of my remaining fears is the narrative that STBX seems to be creating that, yes he did something wrong, but he's being a martyr now by deferring to me on everything. I asked him if he wanted D3 for a night this week (he wasn't going to get her because his mother was visiting and staying with me, but then something with the schedule changed and it became possible) and he texted "Up to you...doesn't matter to me". Yet, I know he says things to the kids like "poor daddy doesn't get to see you very often". Poor him.

I know I have some say in this and I probably just need to keep responding that it isn't all up to me and that it is his choice. This is how our marriage was - the constant expectation that I would make all decisions, no matter how I tried to engage him. And this, along with the completely unnecessary lies about the phone, and the general withdrawal just makes the future as co-parents seem very bleak.

I love my Ds so much and I just struggle with choosing the right decisions to make this better for them.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
R
RAI Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
Originally Posted By: raliced
I think one of my remaining fears is the narrative that STBX seems to be creating that, yes he did something wrong, but he's being a martyr now by deferring to me on everything.
Ditto for my WW. She was determined enough to serve me dissolution papers, but now she has become completely passive and conflict- avoidant. So now I am destined to live in D purgatory unless I take active steps to make it happen - including pay for it, arrange the mediator appointments, arrange the Jewish writ of D. I think our spouses' martyr complex is the only thing protecting them from the ugly truth.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2550248 03/23/15 03:47 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
raliced Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
It's Monday - not only the start of a new week, but a bunch of projects at work concluded on Friday and it was the start of spring - so all in all feels like time to take stock and maybe turn a page here.

I know a lot of posts lately have revolved around STBX - I'll get to my GAL here in a minute. I really thought about why the idea of STBX's apparent narrative that I am driving the bus about all things kid related bothers me so much - and I realize I am afraid that this is how he will present it to the kids and also how they might perceive it. And I have a lot of say in that. I'm going to stop giving it so much headspace, rebut him when appropriate and do my best to reinforce with the girls that they have two parents who love them and do the best that they can (even if I don't believe it sometimes). Then I will just trust that they are smart girls (they are my daughters after all wink ) and trust them.

Anyway - I don't talk a lot about my GAL activities which consist primarily of coaching D6's many athletic endeavors at the moment. Originally, I did this because I get to spend more quality with her, I come into contact more with the parents of her friends, and as coach, I get to set the practice times, which eases my logistical issues. Additionally I have found that I just absolutely enjoy it - all those happy kids have a very uplifting effect on my own PMA.

I have also been singing in the church choir, which allows me to spend a little extra time with my elderly mother who always says "I had no idea you could sing!". 44 years and she never noticed I have a pretty good set of pipes. Thanks, Mom.

Finally- I've been doing a lot of work related stuff- pursuing my PMP certification and various other healthcare certifications. It keeps my brain occupied and right now is a necessity to keep my career on the upswing.

All of this keeps me hopping - my calendar is a logistical wonder.

I mentioned last week that I am weary of "divorce" being such a major topic in my head all the time (still the first thing I think of when I wake up). And I still feel that way - just sort of worn out. I think I've been running at such an emotional peak for so long that I'm just plain tired. I'm not a "relaxing vacation" type of person. I like to see new things and learn stuff on my vacations. But for the first time in my life - I find myself fantasizing about just laying on a beach for a few days drinking something out of a coconut.....

Last edited by raliced; 03/23/15 03:48 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
This is a nice post to read...

Just throwing it out there some friends and I just booked an all inclusive cruise (in not normally a cruise person) with all drinks included for a great deal!

Just sayin..


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2550617 03/24/15 05:41 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
raliced Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
There were several posts floating around yesterday that seemed to have a recurrent theme of “Who do you want to be in all of this – because you have the power to decide who you want to be”. It percolated most of the evening in sort of a mental back burner. It’s something I know rationally – but the picture in my head is just sort of a vague notion that I should be strong and sensible – it’s not really fleshed out.

Then last night with this all bubbling in my head – I dreamed about my grandmothers.

My maternal grandmother was a 5 foot tall spitfire. She was a twin and one of 12 children, and while not impoverished certainly came from limited means. During her childhood, her twin died, her country was on the losing side of WWI, consequently there wasn’t enough to eat for years, several of her beloved brothers were killed and her mother and father basically died from grief before she turned 15. My grandfather immigrated to this country and it took 7 years for him to have enough money to afford to send for her, and during that time she worked like a dog as a ladies maid. He was living on the west coast and could only get her to Halifax so then she had to work for another year to make her way across the continent. Once they finally married, she lost her first child, because a nurse gave her the wrong drug when she was in labor and basically killed her full term infant (this was in the 30s).

That’s the abbreviated list of her misfortunes. How did I know all of this? Not from her. I learned most of it from my Mom when I was an adult. When Grandma talked about her youth and childhood, she only spoke about the songs they sang as they walked to school (and was always willing to give a demonstration), the polkas she danced (more demonstrations), the funny tricks her brothers would play on her and all the wonderful times they had together. Never a word about the other stuff and never any self-pity, that’s for sure. She was charming, she was happy and she was alive.

My paternal grandmother lost my grandfather to a fever in 1933. She was 28 years old and had 4 children under the age of seven, including a new infant. Her parents gave her a little help; she got no assistance from my grandfather’s family. And again- I don’t really know the details, because she never spoke about them. I know this though – she was a widow with four kids in the middle of the Great Depression and she worked sorting apples in a factory. Not only did she keep her family together, which was a feat in itself, but all four of her kids went on to college and good professions. She was a woman of great faith, who worked tirelessly quilting and sewing to raise money for her church. Her needs were few. She lived on a pittance of social security, wouldn’t take help from her kids and somehow still managed to save up 30,000 in the bank by the time she passed away peacefully in her sleep at age 98. She was one of the most content people I’ve ever known.

Who do I want to be? I want to be my grandmothers. I want to not be defined by misfortunes, and I don’t want to pass the legacy of those misfortunes on to my descendants. I sure don’t want my grandkids to know me as the spurned woman that Grandpa left. I want them to know me as happy, alive and content (I don’t think I will ever be able to manage charming wink ). And I can make that happen.

I know I will still cogitate about STBX, and that I’ll still occasionally wonder “Why”. I know we will have a lot of rocky hurdles to jump over as co-parents. I’ll still have plenty of moments of fear and self- doubt. But, I have to keep my eyes on the prize. Who do I want to be? I want to be my Grandma(s).


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard