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#2538653 02/15/15 04:06 PM
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raliced Offline OP
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Hey, it's time for a new thread! The last one ended with my canine sidekick restored to health and with Old Dog speculating that the Newcastle I was enjoying might not be the same formula as they enjoy in the old country.

Links to Old Threads

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...663#Post2477663
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...461#Post2493461
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...700#Post2498700
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...509#Post2512509
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...460#Post2524460

The start of a new thread is always a good time to take stock. I'm resigned that I will be divorced in a couple months. And while I am theoretically open to the idea of reconciliation, I can't see it as a possibility for years down the road.

I'm good on most practical matters. The reclassification of my job that will give me enought of a raise to solidify my finances is slowly winding its way through various budget committees. Bit by bit, I'm finding solutions to various logistical problems that have arisen as a result of my basically being a single parent. D6 started taking the school bus for the first time last week - which has given me a precious extra half hour in the mornings.

Emotionally, I'm still on the rollercoaster although the dips don't last as long. I've noticed that the real "high" moments where I feel determined to take on the world, are also starting to level out somewhat into something more realistic and reasonable. I think that's a good sign.

I do give way too much headspace to the “whys” of the situation and general speculative thinking. Rationally, I know this is not going to get me anywhere, but I can’t seem to stop it yet. Maybe it’s something, much like grief, that I just have to go through. Lately, I’ve been thinking how we had finally gotten to our goal – the house we planned on living in for the next 40 years, secure jobs, kids in the school system we intend to keep them in etc. That plateau lasted for such a brief time – not even a year. And I wonder about stupid things like whether this OW knows that she isn’t the first. Not constructive - hopefully by next thread I will turn a corner on this issue.

As to STBX? Who knows what is going on in his life? He moved an hour away, so no gossip ever drifts my way about what he is up to. He has girls between 4-6 nights a month (always on school days due to his schedule) and he relentlessly entertains them the entire time he has them, it doesn’t sound like they have any quiet family time at all. This actually predates BD, I thought the girls needed to learn to be self-reliant and play without out us for at least a little bit of time each day – while he thought they needed constant arts and crafts, game playing etc. Maybe this was more of an issue with him than I realized. He claims to be his Mom’s “favorite”, and he definitely prefers his Mom to his Dad, so maybe he was trying to recreate that dynamic (He’s wrong BTW, his Mom is just as fond of his sister). I’m on excellent terms with his family (who live across the country), but I don’t know how much of his current life he shares with them. His mom is coming out next month when D6 becomes D7 (she stays with me), which should be interesting. I’m not sure when he will make the attempt to introduce her to OW. My MIL has hissed “What kind of woman could she be?”, but she loves her son (as she should) and this semi estrangement wears at her – so I’m sure she will crumble eventually.

Anyway- let’s see where this thread takes me.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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raliced Offline OP
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Having a nice end to the three day weekend.

Didn't end up taking D6 skiing, becuse the snow report sounded pretty dire (Curse you, drought!). I think I will spring for season passes for next year while they are still cheap and keep my fingers crossed we have a better year. The more I think about it, I would like to work this back into my life.

To compensate for the cancelled ski trip, had a one on one day with D6 today, and bought her the next size bike (although she won't let me ditch the training wheels yet). As an aside - they had an "antique" Schwinn with the same sparkly banana boat seat I rocked as a kid - and they wanted $400 for it. Not sure if that made me feel old, or really cool 35 years too late. Anyway - bike was a hit which opens up another outdoor activity for us. Lots of fantastic bike trails in the area. While I am not particularly outdoorsy, I notice right now it does help keep my PMA up.

Couldn't sleep last night, couldn't find my Kindle, rummaged through my bookshelves and ended up reaquainting myself with some Saki and Wodehouse. I realized I really need to start reading for pleasure more. While I've gone on the occasional jag, I haven't done it consistently since D3 was born and I miss it.

Anyway- got through Valentie's Day without any heartache. There are about 3 B and Bs that are popular wedding venues within a mile of my house and there's not a weekend that goes by without someone's Pinterest inspired decorations adorning the signpost at the street corner, so I'm pretty immune to the rest of the world's in your face romantic gestures.

I'm pleased that D6, D3 and I seem to be hitting a groove as a party of 3. D6 is mopey for about half a day when she returns from her Dad's, but seems to be pretty stable for the rest of the week. She did ask me if I could buy some massage oils like Lisa's . Ouch. Apparently OW is quite the amateur masseuse.

Ready to start the week - a few divorce details to tackle this week and then we should just ride out the waiting period.

Last edited by raliced; 02/17/15 01:12 AM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
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Divorce Final 2/16
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Raliced you seem like you are in such a good level place. I'm happy for you. smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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First day of Lent today- I'm going to give up sugar for 40 days- that will be quite an exercise in self control (for me anyway).

Tonight is my time without the kids. Hoping I can get some stuff done in the garden. The combination of the massive rainstorm we had last week and the now unseasonably warm 72 degree weather (sorry East Coasters) has created a lot of springtime clean up I wasn't really ready for yet.

I started this thread by saying I wanted to stop the speculative thinking - and I'm afraid I haven't had any success with that. For the last week, D6 has worked wedding rings into conversation a lot - it naturally made me wonder what's been happening at her Dad's that could have promoted that topic. Or I suppose she could have seen it in one of her kids movies. Who knows. I don't want to quiz her about it.

Last edited by raliced; 02/18/15 02:22 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
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Divorce Final 2/16
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Raliced,

I've been away and am so happy to hear your pup is okay. I have a Bernese mix too. Since you are giving up sugar, I'll have an Almond Joy in your honor.

In regards to wedding rings, my kids ask about marriage frequently too. Their dad has said he can't wait to make his GF his 3rd ex wife (lofty amibitions:) but it is fruitless to speculate. Hang in there. You are doing fantabulous:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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You really do sound strong and grounded, Raliced.

I think the speculating stuff is natural. It's hard not to wonder how we got here. I know sometimes I sit and ponder that for a loooong time. Last year at this time I was looking for a dress and shoes to wear to H's movie premiere complete with paparazzi, red carpet interviews, publicists, after parties, stars...and now I'm swiftly heading towards divorce. Lol!! It's laughable but oddly and arguably I'm happier. Huh. Interesting.

This thread has big things in store for you, I can feel it!!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Ss06 #2540719 02/20/15 10:35 PM
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raliced Offline OP
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I met STBX at the local library yesterday for kid exchange. I think I've said this before - but there's always this moment of extreme dissonance when I see him. On the one hand - after years together he is so familiar and comfortable to me. My heart swells a little. And then he puts the kids in my car, gets back in to what is now his truck as he checks his phone for messages and drives home to the OW. And I feel so betrayed all over again.

For years when I have described STBX to people who don't know him, I always start off by saying he's such a good guy. And since BD, I've felt so foolish, because I missed so many red flags. I think I need to start accepting that he can be a good guy who still did a cr***y thing in a particularly cr***y way, because he's human and he's in some sort of crisis.

That doesn't make me feel a lot better about the decisions he has made - but it does give me hope that the future with him will be better, no matter what it looks like. Because.... he's the father of my children and that makes him family....for as long as we both shall live.

My, I'm in a benevolent mood today.

Last edited by raliced; 02/20/15 10:36 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
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Divorce Final 2/16
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Raliced, I've struggled a bit with the seemingly Jekyll and Hyde of a guy who cheated on me and walked out on me but comes over to fix my heater and takes our D12 shopping when she needs a new party dress. My IC has helped me put this in perspective a bit. And what I've decided is that H is a crappy H, but a good friend and will be a good X. I guess one person can't be everything. I'm trying to focus on the good parts. I hope he does the same about me.



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^^^ this shows so much strength and grace. Kudos to you, raliced and rpp. I wish I was there. Someday, I suppose...


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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I used to do the same....say things like he's really a good guy...he just in crisis. I think unfortunately the crisis brings out their dark side full force. How long it lasts and whether or not they can get past it is the problem.

Don't messure your worth on his yardstick. Keep moving forward. He will either catch up or eventually get left behind. If you don't move you will be stuck in limbo. That is like he-- on earth.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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