Absolutely. What it is they say? "trust but verify?". Think for me right now, I'll just try to verify what I can, my trust is gone. The only consistency I see when she talks, is that she'll consistently lie...and I don't need that.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Well, another argument, this time, completely her. Bought my kids pizza last night. I was heading up to the kitchen and found a slice on the carpet on the basement floor. So, pick it up, and head upstairs to see which one of them just left it there...once in the kitchen, I heard my kids and tabby upstairs, so, pizza in hand, I head up the steps. Tabby comes out into the upstairs hall way, on the phone, looks at me and says "eavesdropping? I'm allowed to vent on the phone to my mom!" In a pissy tone. Held up the pizza, explained I was trying to find out who left it on the floor, that was all. Headed back to the basement. Tabby comes down to do laundry, still on the phone, so, I ask her to please go upstairs to vent, as I did not wish to be accused of eavesdropping in another section of the house. After her call, she came to the basement and (loosely) apologized. As she headed back upstairs, I followed. I asked her about the joint bank account idea my lawyer thought about to give us both piece of mind regarding where the money being made is going. She said she's not doing it, as it doesn't make sense to her (I really don't see how it couldn't). She sat on the couch. I mentioned her wanting to leave the marriage. I told her I'll give her 5000.00 to find herself a place, pay first and last months rent, plus to months, giving her essentially 3 months rent free in her own place. She has said "we're better apart as both her and I are more productive when apart and better parents" in the past. So, I told her that if she took this 3 months rent paid opportunity, she should have NO problem getting a job, as she's so much more productive and happier alone. I told her with the shared custody, the opportunity for her to flourish, and enrich her life when she does not have the kids should be so very easy -she'll be alone and as she's so driven now, and so determined, and with horrible me out of the pic, she should be at her peak in terms of self fulfillment. Currently doing child daycare out of our home, she said again, no. That she makes her money here at the house. I mentioned that all parents bring their kids in vehicles, 5 or 10 more minutes to ferry their kids to my wife's new place shouldn't be an issue at all. Again met with a defiant no. And then (of course) it happens. The words come out of her mouth. "I'm confused. You say you want to work on/save the marriage, but you're trying to get me out".. Aaaaand the tears. So, I calmly told her. " You have SO much going on in your head. You have no idea what to think or do (she agreed). I have to give you that time. I'm letting you go, I have to be me, the me I was before we met, and I have to do it for me, I need to be happy. I'm going to live my life. (She knows it means I'll be going out, meeting people again - and that I've done it before and was quite happy, and I know, it drove her nuts, and that was DURING the time she and OM were chatting everyday..if they truly aren't now, its probably going to make things a little harder on her). She said "..we can still talk". I stood up, said " this will be the last time I do this" and gave her a kiss on the forehead and went to bed.
Interesting though, the fight to stay in the home when the reality is she could be in her own place rent free for months, and easily have her daycare kids (her money) come to a new address.
Second thing I found interesting..the "you say you want to work on/save the marriage but.." Comment I'm getting so used to hearing.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Of course, she brought up me moving out. I told her it wasn't an option, as legally, it can be seen as 'abandoning' your children. She mentioned at this point she had gone to a lawyer and I could call our babysitter to confirm that, and the lawyer she went to said that wasn't the case. I told her that the thousands of lawyers online, from our province with their own websites must all be wrong. Including mine. She mentioned my lawyer is only looking out for my own interests. I told her she was wrong. I told her exactly what my lawyer told me. "You two are too young for this, you two have a chance, the marriage is young, and you need to focus on it, work on it, before doing this to each other" (exactly what he said)
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Just read all the posts from Vet DB'ers. Realized I've been making some mistakes. Have to set a few goals to implement starting today. I've been telling her she has to leave the house, effectively telling her I don't want her in my life..and yet I've been telling her I want to work on the marriage - my words are confusing her, placing more stress on an already stressed out woman. Goal#1. Not to mention lawyers, moving, or participating in any argumentative behavior.
She's lost some of her daycare kids this week, dramatically reducing her pay, therefore she's very concerned about her finances, thus Goal#2. I will not mention amalgamating funds, nor question where and how she spends money (including Gov't baby bonus), and will take an active role in assisting her with some of her expenses (she owns the vehicle and I drive it once in awhile, so I'll spend money to fill the tank when I notice its low, and make certain routine maintenance is done). I didn't spend enough time with the kids pre BDay, though I am spending time more so than before, she doesn't always see it as we play games in the basement. Goal#3. I will actively pursue outside activities with the kids; swimming, the park, ect.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Txt'd me today to ask when I'd be home from work so she would know how much money she should leave for me to pay the babysitter (she started volunteering awhile back, before the switch happened, every saturday. Now only twice a month (think it was dropped by half due to the stress after BDay). I didn't tell her what time I was done, but mentioned I had already considered the cost, and will pay the sitter myself. *hopefully implying that I understand her financial stress and have no problem stepping in to help.
She also texted back that she will be a little late tonight as she's going grocery shopping after volunteering. With the switch and arguing the way its been, she 'may' have expected me to question that (and I do get paro about it depending on occasion). Instead, I told her it wasn't a problem, thanked her for letting me know, and let her know that I appreciated it.
Wow, second time she's informed me that she'll be later than expected. Maybe she DOES understand that my faith in her is gone, and, even after the recent fighting, is taking her own steps. Either way, I actually smiled when she sent it.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
A few times.... first time was three days after I posted that I was going to a movie alone. It was the day she cried in bed, and told me how she feels I'm out with someone else, that I must be...I was in new clothes, new cologne, shaved before I left....she balled as she told me I was "dressed to the 9's " and I MUST be out with someone else. The second time, was the day I came back from seeing a lawyer and she pretended she didn't know I actually went. When I told her that yes, that is where I was, he suggested this, this and that. She was up the stairs in 20seconds, back on the bed, bawling. Telling me everything was her fault, she's hurt so many people, ect. And, I somewhat felt it today when she was again on the couch crying. Unfortunately, I cannot allow myself to believe any of it anymore, for I have learned that she can (though for a short time) be an actress, and use my feelings to her advantage - pulling my on a string. And, shitty as it is, and as scared as I am, I have to let go of the one I love in order to have chance to get her back, and to see just what really happened, and the why behind it. I love my wife, more than I've ever loved any one thing in the world, so I have to let her go. Only by becoming the man I was, the man I need to be, can I truly become her husband. Until them, I'm just a memory she'd rather not relive.
So, in each one of those times, how long did you allow her to CONTINUE to feel like she may lose you, before you rescued her??
In all honesty, I didn't allow any time. I rescued her that second, the second the tears flowed. I was weak. I said it to my mother, WTF did I do?. I coddled her and told her everything will eventually cam be alright. What I should've done, if anything at all, should've been: "I'm sorry you're upset in dealing with the decisions you have made. You're a smart woman, I'm sure you'll figure it out." ..and left the room. But I coddled. Today (after last nights fiasco) I told her that I will no longer tell her she has to go. No tears, nothing, but I admitted I was wrong to "confuse" her with my words. "Stay, and work, or go" I left it at that. So, no more BS, no more "if only", no more "I love you, and i think...." nothing. I'll walk the walk that I've talked. I WANT to be there when she opens up, but, if she does, I cannot accept much of what she says. Even today, when I told her I appologized for giving her mixed signals (I want to work on the marriage/get out), she didn't say anything stupid. In fact, she said, "regardless of whatever happens, we can't be enemies". I took solice in the "regardless of what happens..." part...only because she could've said "when we're separated/done......" but she didn't. [censored] it's tough, but I'll keep plodding along. If she decides, perhaps it's better to stay, I'm sure I'll see it.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
