Hmm. Read a past by MRbond to someone else, makes me feel a bit better. Much like my switch, the original writer wrote: (paraphrasing here)
."..a wife will not leave a coasting marriage if they don't have the financial means to support themselves."
To which MRbond responded.
"Wrong. If they want to leave, they leave."
I sorta disagree with Bond here. It HAS been my experience and observation that a wayward woman, especially, will not leave the financial stability of the marriage unless she is either:
a) set up sufficiently financially, through either her own financial independence or support from her OM; or
b) SO fed up with the home atmosphere and relationship with her husband that it trumps the lack of "a".
It's CLEAR that the particular version of the fantasy that your wife had all planned out in her head did NOT involve her even beginning to put on her BGPs. So it stands to reason now that you've begun to remove yourself as her fall-back option and stand up to her, that she is spinning about her lack of potential financial security.
Man, appreciate it, been dying to see you on as of late. In all honesty, I did slow down my leaving the house and going out. Last time I was out was (other than dancing last night (Thurs), Friday night. So 'detachment" was put aside to see if I could implement "love bank" ideas. I realize she's a "needs affection" and "quality time" person, so I thought I'd attempt affection as I spent time with her, and, though it wasn't reciprocated, it wasn't denied either..and it truly appeared to make a dif. Even today as she sobbed, I caressed her arm, and back as I told her listened and validated her thoughts (yup yet right, yet fault- wanted to say that, but didn't). Then to get hit with the, "I let you tochvme for the sake of the kids BS'.
As I mentioned the purpose of my affections towards her,she was told it wasn't a game, or a ploy, or an attempt by me to get her in the sack, even a trick, she actually visually looked me in the eyes, and I believe understood I was being honest to her. (Any affection I used to give was predominately so I could get her in the mood). I explained it was non-sexual affection based on a want to be close, not a want to satisfy an urge.
She had appeared " normal" since her last meltdown almost 2 weeks ago. I remember believing she was just ice cold and repressed all the shame guilt and anger. Didn't know how she could do that. After this a.m., I know she hasn't, that stoic, strong exterior was a facade (again). And sadly, part of me felt good to see her so troubled, and make some of the statements regarding my past actions, and her present thoughts. It means that at least the gerbil isn't dead, and she's making comparisons between the 'now' me, and the 'old me'. Now the issue from my perspective is this. If her OM's gone, her prospects to go home are gone, and I continue (again) to detach and GAL, how can I be sure of myself...let me put it another way. I want to detach, to take myself out of the picture so her resentment, anger, shame,and any indecisiveness isn't put on me. However, I want to continue to meet her emotional need for affection and quality time at the same time to deposit units in her bank. Is that possible. Zero issues meeting all other emotional needs (other than sexual connection of course), such as family, domestic, and when she asks, recreational needs. Being a great dad, no problem. Tough, I focus on me, absolutely. But I'm trying to find a means to provide her with the "oh, these changes ARE real".. As she mentioned she noticed I changed (the same way I am now ) 4 yes ago when we got back together after 1yr step. Its y she said she gave our R a shot again, but ended up disappointed when they didn't stick. Patience is the answer I would think. Whole switch only 6weeks old tomorrow. Ya, has to be patience.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Oh, your right. Crystal clear this wasn't planned. The more she argues when we talk, and complains when I show her the reality, only cements the fact that she never planned on any of this happening.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
I can't do it for her, but if I could 'steer' her a bit I would. Its been 2 weeks NC OM, I should still expect he's still amongst her thoughts, and she's still lost in the fog, no matter how clear she thinks the atmosphere is. Still wants out of the marriage and contact with OM had nothing to do with it..- it's tough, but I'm still holding on to that olive branch. Don't believe anything she says. The words she says though, just like sticks and stones!
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Oh, the affair. They haven't chatted two weeks now. She doesn't provide email, but I check using a kelogger her FB and Outlook, NC as of yet. I expect it will eventually happen (history repeats right?) Which is y I stay in the marital bed,(to make it harder). When contact happens, I'll know..and, of course, I also understand it'll stagnate again shortly after, hurting her again (hence I'll continue detach/GAL so as she has less or no string to pull during next relapse. You're right, she needs the fear of goodbye. Just got paid. Feels like a good week to say, goodbye whoever Tabby has become, and hello new, fun, fascinating life!
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Let me ask you something. At any point through all of this, do you think your wife has honestly felt she might be losing you? Might have gone too far? Does your intel reveal any such doubts?
I've never yet seen one of these sitches turn around unless and until the wayward spouse credibly feels like they may be losing their betrayed spouse.
A few times.... first time was three days after I posted that I was going to a movie alone. It was the day she cried in bed, and told me how she feels I'm out with someone else, that I must be...I was in new clothes, new cologne, shaved before I left....she balled as she told me I was "dressed to the 9's " and I MUST be out with someone else. The second time, was the day I came back from seeing a lawyer and she pretended she didn't know I actually went. When I told her that yes, that is where I was, he suggested this, this and that. She was up the stairs in 20seconds, back on the bed, bawling. Telling me everything was her fault, she's hurt so many people, ect. And, I somewhat felt it today when she was again on the couch crying. Unfortunately, I cannot allow myself to believe any of it anymore, for I have learned that she can (though for a short time) be an actress, and use my feelings to her advantage - pulling my on a string. And, shitty as it is, and as scared as I am, I have to let go of the one I love in order to have chance to get her back, and to see just what really happened, and the why behind it. I love my wife, more than I've ever loved any one thing in the world, so I have to let her go. Only by becoming the man I was, the man I need to be, can I truly become her husband. Until them, I'm just a memory she'd rather not relive.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
