Gogofo - Learning to go dark

[gogofo]

Link to old thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...937#Post2537937

Not going to beat around the bush here, I am trying to find the level of respect to show to my W at this time.

I feel I should tell her tonight that I responded to the complaint because my rights as a father were not being protected and just leave it at that. If discussion continues, then so be it.

She gave me a heads up that I would be contacted by her L when she started the process. She deserves the same respect in return. I was mad that she told me via text message, I wished she would have told me in person.

It would be a 180 for me to tell her in person and face whatever reaction she has. I never brought up any tough talks at any point during our M until things were about to go nuclear. I avoided any talks that were painful. I don't care if she will be angry or not, I respect her enough to be open with what actions I am taking.

[LITB]

Gogofo,

You will know that you are detached when you stop calculating every single interaction.

Personally, I wouldn't tell her anything about the D. You probably know by now that DB'ing is counter-intuitive. You can't seem to stay out of your own way.

Eventually you will learn to quit putting your hand in the fire. You have already been warned to put on your spew jacket. That sh!t storm is script. You don't have to sit there and take it. It already been said in your last thread.

[sandi2]

If discussion continues, then so be it.

. Oh brother.

I think it would be a bigger 180 for you not to give in to your urges to TALK. You always want to tell her something, discuss something, confront something. Please don't cover up your urge to talk about the stitch by saying you have enough respect to tell her why you did or didn't agree with her and her lawyer. Please! She and the L know what they are pushing for.......so you just need to let the lawyers work deal with it and you not try once again to talk about it with her. It does not work.

Don't you realize that any good father is going to get all the rights he has with his kids? Would she expect you to settle for less? IDK, but her L may have suggested going for XXX and if you didn't agree, then they could always pull back. I don't believe you should be discussing it. It will only lead to more anger.........and you even anticipate her responding if you bring it up. Which is enough said.

[Drew]

I feel I should tell her tonight that I responded to the complaint because my rights as a father were not being protected and just leave it at that. If discussion continues, then so be it.

You like to lead with your chin, don't you?

Do not trust your feelings young Skywalker, they will betray you.

Leave.
The.
Divorce.
To.
The.
Lawyers.

[gogofo]

Well as you can tell I am a ball of emotions. I need to find some peace and clarity.

The emailed a schedule with days that will be issues for her all the way through June.

She then called about the schedule stuff and then said "my L called and said your L called him and you are contesting?" I said that I need to make sure that my rights as a father are respected and represented by the law, as they were wrote they were not. I needed to respond to be able to be legally represented in this process. She said okay, that is what we agreed upon.

So that is taken care of. I also told her that I was taking the kids to the movie on Saturday night.

I think now I am working past the denial stage of grief and getting into the angry area.

Angry because we had a trip planned that she is going on now, don't know with who but I would assume OM.

Angry because I feel betrayed. Angry because I have not been able to give up control or my attachment.

I need to keep working towards staying dark. I feel much more at peace when alone in my room. I am also getting more excited about my place so I can get some distance and peace.

[bdub]

You feel at peace when you are alone in your room because you are just putting it off. The only way to get through this is to go through it. GAL and detach.

I am telling you my friend, I have been in your shoes. I have sat alone in my room. I have felt the anger, betrayal and anxiety.

While she is with OM she should get very very little respect from you. If you keep showing her respect while she disrespects you, she will see you as weak and will NOT be attracted to you at all.

[gogofo]

I am feeling pretty angry right now so I need to journal.

I am pissed off that my W will talk about how important her family is to her and then not be willing to work on our M. I feel like she is giving up on the family.

I don't understand her hot and cold feelings and how we cannot talk about our feelings. Oh that's right, you are confiding in another person. This is not what happens in a healthy relationship.

I am pissed at the realtionship quotes she puts on pinterest. They totally embody how I feel about our R/M and where we can build it up to.

I am pissed how she verbalizes that she wants a divorce because she is done trying. This just days after planning a trip for us because she said that she needed to keep trying to.

I am so mad right now at the situation because we don't understand each other's feelings. I don't understand how someone can tell you she loves you, expresses it in multiple different ways and then be so sure that things will never work out. AHHHHHHH!!!

There are so many things right now that I want to yell and scream at her. From I love to to F!@K YOU and everything in between.

I know that DBing principles go against what feels right. I feel that I should talk to her about how she feels about this whole situation, like I never did much before. So that means I need to STFU and wait and wait and wait to see if she ever feels any different.

Trying to go dark is going to be very hard. I am scared about it even though with the D in progress I have nothing left to lose. I am addicted to her, not as much as last week or the week before, but I am still addicted. I am emotionally drained right now and all I feel is anger this afternoon.

I am so confused by her swings in emotion and how she goes from acting like herself to acting crazy. I am in love with the woman that acts like my W, the other person just has me in disbelief.

I want nothing more than for us to rebuild our R into something greater. I am so disappointed right now that I don't know whether to scream or cry.

I am glad the W is gone tonight hanging our with her friends because I may have went nuclear on any shred of R that is left.

I hate operating out of fear and pain. I need to get through this and these emotions I am feeling tonight. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will be busy so hopefully my mind will not be on the R.

(Rant over)

[Karma12]

I just posted so great info on my thread about detaching. I copied it from a thread on the MLC forum by Job and Cadet. Worth reading for sure

[gogofo]

Thanks Karma, I have read it before (a year ago) but just read through it again and now have a new perspective on it. I was actually reading it when you replied to my thread.

After the kids and I finish watching a movie I plan on working through the information and writing out how it applies to me and my attachment to my W.

Thanks for the suggestion.

[Karma12]

It was good for me too even though I have read it before too. Sometimes we get more when we go back and read again

[gogofo]

Posting my detachment work I started this evening so I can refer to it when I need to. I know I have to refer back here often and keep reading it until I have it developed it. The whole fake it until I make it idea.

Some of the "letting go" statements that define detachment were painful to think about. I am realizing the reality of the loss of my W and family as I wanted it to be is very painful.

Gogofo's steps to develop detachment

1 - Toxic relationship qualities I identify with
*I find it hard to let go because it is addictive
*She is emotionally unavailable to me
*I’m overly dependent on Her
*She has the power to impact my feelings about myself
*I am a chronic fixer
*My loyalty to Her won’t allow me to let go
*I have a dream that She will come around and change to be what I want
*She has not forgiven all past hurts
*My needs and wants are ignored

2 - These qualities are specific to my attachment with Her

3 - My irrational beliefs that prevent me from becoming detached.
*Being detached seems so cold and aloof. I can’t be that way when I love and care for
Her. It’s either 100 percent all the way or no way at all
*If I let go too soon She might change to be like the fantasy or dream I want Her to be
*Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and unreachable. I could never allow
myself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between Her
and I. It seems so unnatural.
*I don’t want Her to be emotionally detached from me so why would I think it’s a good
thing to do to Her
*The family that plays together stays together. Never do anything without including Her.
*If She hurts, I hurt.
*If She is in trouble how can I ignore her, it seems cruel and inhuman
*When She is hurting I must always get involved and try to help Her solve problems
*I would rather forgo all my pleasures in order to assist Her to be happy and successful
*I can never give too much when providing support, comfort, and care for Her
*No matter how badly She hurts me I must always be forgiving and continue to help and
support Her
*I should love Her more since love is the answer to all our problems

4 - I am being hurt emotionally because I am not detached from my relationship with Her. I build myself up and think that my relationship is one of the main characteristics that defines me. A successful marriage and happy family means that I am a worthy person. If She is happy then I am doing a good job and being happy too. If She is in a bad mood then I must have done something wrong or need to change something about myself so I can make her happy again. I do not have the ability alone to make her happier, but I can make her sad and then bring her back up to the same level she was before thereby making her feel like I can cheer her up. I base my actions on what I think She would like. Very few, if any, of the decisions and choices I make are based on what it is that I want or desire. I look at my actions to change her actions and how she feels. I feel like I need to fix Her and Us so we can have a more fulfilling relationship. If I am not working on the relationship then I am hurting it. I am scared to lay back and let us naturally grow together.

5 - I need to accept that I can only change myself, I cannot change Her. She is unchangeable in my life. I cannot have expectations that things will be better than they are in reality. My expectations are created by not detaching and cause me pain. She will do whatever she feels she needs to do or change what she needs to change. I need to let go of my need to change Her, no one has this ability but her. Let life play out the way that it will.

6 - I do not need to feel guilty about letting go and emotionally detaching from my relationship with Her. My detachment does not mean that I do not care for her, it means that she has the freedom to be who she wants to be. If her life turns out to be worse than it is right now, I cannot feel guilty about this. It will be her choices that lead her there and I do not have the ability to fix her or her choices and therefore should not feel guilty if this happens. I should also not feel guilty if her life becomes happier than it is right now or was in our relationship. She made the choices and did the actions she chose inside and outside of our relationship. If she was unhappy I should not feel responsible or guilty because those were her choices.

7 - I deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy and fulfilling. I am a great person who is full of love to share with a person that wants to give the love back to me. I am a great catch with many unique and good qualities that plenty of woman would be so lucky to experience. My desire to better myself and learn and grow should also be reflected and given back to me in a relationship. I am a person who deserves all this and more and can find someone who deserves this and gives this back to me as well. I will become strong enough to let go to improve myself to become the person I deserve to be.

8 - I will gain support from the forum as I begin my journey to develop detachment from Her. I will find solace in not feeling alone and unique in my situation and know that others before me have walked this difficult and painful path before me and came out of the other end as better people. There is not growth without pain.

[sandi2]

What can we do to help you?

[gogofo]

Not sure yet Sandi. Keep me honest and straight and call me on my BS.

Right now the W and I are packing up the marital house we are selling. Wouldn't you know it, the ice queen has thawed a little. she has been sniffing and weeping quietly on and off. But no love from me. I have been walking around the house whistling and being merry.

Back to work and no support for W from me. She can cry about it if she wants, it is the reality she created.

[gogofo]

W continued to have waves of emotions. At one point she may have been trying to be noticed, but I would just walk by and keep doing what I was doing. She left wearing sunglasses because her eyes swell when she cries.

Most of the time I did not engage her in conversation either.

Now it is off back to our shared home for dinner and then I am taking the boys to see sponge bob movie. Should be awesome. The W will be home alone doing homework.

Not going to lie, I felt good today and it even cheered me up a bit to see the W grappling with her emotions.

[gogofo]

I was dreading today and this morning I was a grumpy. Now I am feeling great and happy and energetic. Movies with the boys here I come!

[sandi2]

See? We have tried to tell you how this works. Today was just a little example. You could feel this well most of the time, if you would realize your happiness comes from within yourself and is based on "you".......not her.

You went about the packing & moving exactly the way you should do. You weren't trying to get her to change her mind, or any R discussions. You were even whistling?

You know, I wasn't going to mention it, but since you brought it up.....you may be right about her wanting some attention at one point. I bet she was wondering what on earth got into you! And furthermore, don't be too surprised if she doesn't bait you a little more.......to temperature check you out. You know what I'm talking about?

[gogofo]

I was going up and down the stairs and she had been in different rooms or with her back to me. When I came up the stairs she was sitting on a stool right at the top.

She just handed me a new jacket and said "here, see if you have a use for this." Probably was supposed to be a Valentine's gift. I just flatly said thank you and left it at that.

A package did arrive that has gourmet chocolate in it that I had ordered a while ago. It is addressed from one of our favourite delis. I just need to fight the temptation to share it with her.

Now off to the movies!!

[sandi2]

My temptation would be to hand it to her and say, "Here, see if you have a use for it". But since we don't encourage tit for tat, I suppose you could open it up when the family is watching TV together. "Care for some chocolate, W? No? Okay, look what Daddy has, kids".

[Karma12]

Good one Sandi! Love the " if you have a use for this" hahaha. Yes sharing a family Valentines treat is a good way to go

[gogofo]

Update post:

The last couple of days have been busy. Spent the weekend packing up the old house into a trailer and the last couple of days have been busy at work.

The W and I ended up having a heart to heart on Sunday night. I was wore out and tired from two days of hard work and decided that I wanted to have a bottle or two of wine. I then got out the chocolates and gave her the same line she gave me and we then shared them together. Lots of organic talk between us and it was an enjoyable time.

The talk slowly got to R talk. The gist of it was that I am against the D and think we can work it out. She asked why I was so against the D, she voiced that it didn’t necessarily mean the end of “us”.

She said that she is excited to see what my house will look like when she isn’t the one decorating it. I never had many design ideas for our houses, but I was good at telling her no.

She said that we only had two dates where I really tried. One was the very first date we had when trying to get back together in the beginning of May. It really was a great reconnection we had. I took her for a drink, then to a dance performance, and then to dinner, then for a walk in the dark to a swing where we sat and cuddled in the dark holding each other. The second time she referenced was the amazing weekend we had around Thanksgiving. We stayed at a nice resort and had an amazing time as a family and as a couple.

I would disagree that these were the only times I really tried, but what her message was is that she still felt taken granted of. This is why (I assume) that she felt we were doing better when living apart. She said I had to try during these times, and she was looking forward to seeing me on date nights. She wants to feel wanted, and worthy, and something worth fighting for.

We talked more about feelings and where we went wrong or what had happened to us. We both think that when we had our first son that things significantly changed in our M and we both failed to respond. I told her how happy it made me to see her hurting when we were at the house on Saturday. She said she knows it made me happy and she was actually thankful that I did not try to console her. She said she did not know what she would have done if I tried to hug her.

She let me get away with things that aggravated her and I didn’t know they did. We both were letting things go that needed addressed in our R. I told her that I need to learn lessons with a hammer, I don’t “get” or understand subtle hints or suggestions.

We were just being open and teasing and she was being feisty and I was being silly, basically like when we first got together. This dynamic we have is very good for the both of us and what created our love. I told her that she was being “mean” and I liked it, this part of her personality was very attractive to me.

Her feelings seem to be that she needs to get a D to end the relationship and all that it might have been. In the past she told me that part of her felt that she needed to D me to date me again.

We kept talking and the discussion turned to our future, etc. and that she felt the D wouldn’t be the end of us. I asked her “Do you mean you would be open to dating me again?” She instantly responded, with lots of feeling, “Yes, and you better bring it.” So I told her I would take her out on the first weekend in March after I get my house together a little bit.

During most of this discussion we were holding hands and being emotional. When the discussion was over, way too late for a Sunday night, we embraced very tightly for a couple minutes. I also did get a candid moment from her and that there may be feelings for me inside her still. I was leaning in and talking to her and she said something to the effect of “I’m not ready to kiss you yet” to which I laughed because I wasn’t going for one.

[gogofo]

So here is where I sit. The D papers are in their last iteration. I am not as upset about the papers as I thought I would be. I will be D soon. My STBXW says she is open to dating me again.

Last night after going through the agreement we had a snack and talked about her trip out of town and shared a nice evening together. The tension I felt, or more accurately created, between us seems to be gone. We ended with her feet on my lap.

I had my walk through on my house I am going to by yesterday and it was good. I like the house, not the neighborhood, but the house should be great. I know I can make it a wonderful home.

Sandi had asked above what we can do to help me, I know what it is.

I need to do the work to become a better person and grow and detach and not be so dependent on my W’s feelings etc. I know the interactions I am having with my W right now are helping me feel upbeat, but I want to feel upbeat and get the passion back into my life.

I want to get Gogofo back. If I get him back, then I know I can have a happy, fulfilling life. Maybe the STBXW will be a part of it, maybe not. That remains to be seen. I need to work on me and light the fire under my ass. As far as possible R with her, that will have to be low and slow, like a good BBQ.

I watched the movie “Chef” the other night and it excited me and got me inspired. I need to embrace my passions again. The W has been telling me this for a while.

My passion needs not to be the R between her and I. That was my passion the last year and it killed me and us.

Once out of the house I it will be easier to detach more and work at GAL activities.

Now to building the better me, any and all advice, 2x4s and inspiration is welcome.

[Barrybran]

Well that's a turn of events. It's all a bit out of my league but I agree that you need to do what you can to detach from your wife as well as doing what you can to reignite your passion for life.

[Sotto]

"I will be D soon. My STBXW says she is open to dating me again."

GOSH! What do you make of that turn of events Gogofo? Sounds like you may need some vet advice I agree. Could be that 'facing the end' or 'no pressure' has led your W to see you in a different way.

Pleased for you though....

[gogofo]

What I make of it is that she needed an end to what was going on between us. The limbo of trying to "fix" the M was killing her. Now that the M has/will be ended that wipes the slate clean. We could possibly have a new start to a R without all of the pressure of fixing things.

This also guarantees that I will not be trying to come back to us living together. I was terrible at slowing down and not pushing the pace. This way I am in my own place with my own bills, etc, and we are not trying to sell a house and figure out what happens next.

I know she wants pursued and valued and appreciated. She said we were doing better apart, she was right. She also wants me to find myself and not be so worried about "us" right now.

This D will probably put us in a different mental state. I was scared to open my mouth and vocalize things when trying to reconcile. This did not help the situation. I operated with this feeling that if I messed up or angered her she would not want to try to reconcile.

We are both interacting differently and more freely, there seems to be a weight off of both of our shoulders.

She still seems has feelings for me, more than just a "friend" feeling. I don't know two friends who hug the way we hug when we break down the barrier between us. It is a very tight embrace that lasts longer than a normal hug and is tighter than a normal hug.

In the end this is all mind reading and speculation and things I have no control over. It seems to be a weird situation, not unique, just weird for me.

I do need some more advice and need to work on building myself. I am more excited than I have been to get into my house. Should be a good beginning to the next chapter in my life.

[Zelda09]

Hi Gogofo, thanks for stopping by my thread. I've been catching up on yours a bit.

Sounds like you've been through it with the piecing. Wow, what a journey. Your poor hearts have been through it.

Something occurred to me for whatever it may be worth in the future - the dates your W said you tried - my H believed the important things to our R are little, consistent, foundational. He's right but I'd say he never 'tries' either in the big romantic, sweep me off my feet sense. If you heard of Love languages, this can be very powerful for some of us. I planned a birthday weekend for my H years ago where I flew him back home (cleared day off with his employer, bought tickets, alerted friends so they could get a party going) all without him knowing until we got to airport. That's the kind of thoughtfulness that makes a lot of us feel worthy. I get aggravated sometimes that he would 'phone it in' and not put more effort into special days for me. His low key-ness is gorgeous in most senses except this one, for me. Worthiness shouldn't be attached to this stuff, but we can't help what we prefer. Idk if this helps explain 'trying' in another light that may be useful to you?

Q: did you ever work with a MC in the past as you were piecing?

[gogofo]

Q: did you ever work with a MC in the past as you were piecing?

Quick answer, no. We both said we didn't need it at different times. I will get more detailed later.

Quick update. This last week has been crazy busy. Spent all last weekend, both days, and yesterday moving what was left at our old home into trailers. I am way tired and sore, I don't know why I have so much stuff.

Last Thursday I signed the D papers.
Sunday W and I had another heart to heart.
Today we sign the papers on selling the house. Tomorrow is XW b-day. Friday is my g-ma's b-day and I sign the papers to buy my house. Saturday I start to move in and have a b-day party for my g-ma.

Really busy, but that is okay. I will have a full update later when I have time. Today I have to train my employees all day.

Last night W had a meeting and I was listening to music and being all happy and dancing around the house, even though I was exhausted. The new Black Keys album Turn Blue is great breakup/heart break music. W had to do homework, but I was having fun and enjoying myself. As Train has been saying, I am showing her what she will be missing. More on this later.

But at the end of the night she may have been a little overwhelmed. Oh well, I was light and breezy.

Too bad she thinks she needed to be D'd from me, her loss!

[gogofo]

Super GAL from Friday to Monday night. Spent many hours loading up all that was left at the old house into trailers. Friday night went out with one friend for dinner then met my parents down at the VFW for a couple of beers. My dad found a book on the 199th Light Infantry Brigade that he was in so I ordered it and am excited to read it. Saturday I went out with another friend who is a single dad for some dinner.

The W had ski class on Saturday so when she came to the house on Sunday she was upset and overwhelmed at the amount of work left. She was passed. I told her, yeah this is overwhelming isn't it. She then spewed in stress about me not asking for help, etc, but I just let it roll off my back. We knocked out most of it that day.

Sunday night she cooked a steak dinner and we cuddled with the kids on the couch. Later we were talking and the talk migrated back to R talks.

She said she is excited to see me function on my own. She wants to watch me do the bills, etc because she always did those types of things and felt taken advantage of.

She wants to see what the house will be decorated like because she said I was good at shooting down her ideas.

She said she knows I won't fail, because I don't fail. She said I am a good supervisor and said that is how she felt I treated her in the M, like her supervisor.

She said that the M was okay or decent but she doesn't want to settle for okay or decent, she wants more. She felt she sees a lot of mediocre marriages and didn't want to have a long term marriage like that.

She said I was doing the same thing I have in the past with buying the house. I am getting something that is almost at the edge of what I can afford. I sold three vehicles for down payment money for the house and she said I am ridiculous because I could've had a lesser house and kept the vehicles. I don't share her opinion because I wanted to be rid of them because I lost my passion for working on them. I needed a life change and they were mentally and physically burdensome.

She talked about her feelings for me and how she is still open to the idea of dating me. She does still care about me but is still upset about our R. She didn't like the way I treated her. She felt controlled and belittled but knows it was not on purpose. She said if she felt it was on purpose she would have left long before. She is also upset that she let me treat her that way and that she didn't voice her feelings or opinions more. She said she is not a hateful person and she wants to get over her anger.

We talked about the bad timing of selling the house and trying to move forward during a time when we were not ready. We talked about how we were better living apart.

She also talked about feeling that I wasn't present in understanding and appreciating all she did for us and the kids and the house. Things like if she didn't buy the kids clothes that I would not have noticed and that she paid for Xmas all on her own and I didn't ask or notice. Not quite the truth but definitely how she felt and views the past. She has previously said we started as equals in the M but when we grew she did more and I didn't.

Monday I took the day off and did the rest of the house stuff. The XW (I need to get used to this) spent the day with me and we team worked the rest of it. She went to work and I got the kids.

I ended the day in a super good mood. She came home and I was dancing to music and the kids were happy. I was listening to the Black Keys, who we saw in November and had a great time. I had thawed some Spanish style Chorizo that I made and we had it for dinner. She loves them and remind her of her family's home in Spain, but has admitted she likes mine better.

She offered to make a burrata, fruit, basil and honey dessert when she was done with homework.

She was teasing me that my rent fee was half of my chorizo and pancetta and bacon, and that she is entitled to my future production too. I just smiled and laughed.

She had to finish homework and was stressed so I just relaxed and danced around enjoying my wine and the kids. Put them to bed and then took a shower. I made sure to scrub up well and smell great when I got out.

I then just laid down on the couch and read. She made the dessert and I poured some wine and we chatted while on the couch. She looked a little wore out and stressed but I remained light and breezy. When I left the room she quickly drank the last of her wine and told me she was going to bed. She did this in a hurry which was unusual for her, like she wanted to get away quickly. My mind reading would be that she may have been upset by my upbeat and happy mood when she was feeling stress.

[gogofo]

So I have been trying to remain upbeat and happy around her. Want her to see what she will be missing. I also need to separate my feelings and trying not to read more into the situations we spend together.

I know I am still attached. This is obvious in the fact that I get some peace and hope of the fact of possibly dating her again. I know I need to work on this because my heart wants to take her out on a date the first weekend in March. So let me have the 2x4s about this one because I best get messages this way.

Our interactions together have changed too. We signed off on the house today and went for a little ride and had dinner as a family after. I wouldn't say we are flirting but we have been teasing each other with funny honest slightly mean statements. We used to do this previously in our R when we were good.

This also is an issue for me in reading too much into these interactions.

I know what I haven't done is try to push the situations or her like I had in the past.

Tomorrow is her birthday and I am not invited to attend her family dinner. Doesn't hurt, but just seems awkward. I may have to go to dinner with a friend.

Now you can slap me around but I have earrings that I planned on giving her for her birthday that I bought before Xmas. I think I am going to give them to her by leaving them in her room with a note. Something along the line of "I had these for your birthday and I still want you to have them." No pressure, no anticipated reaction. I really do want her to have them and don't expect anything to change or for her to even address it.

I plan on laying low the next couple of days and pull back since she has seen enough of me for a while and we have been having good interactions.

[gogofo]

Reading some advice on other people's situations, this is where I need to do a lot of detachment work:

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanding or controlling.

I do care about her, but need to separate this emotion from my Mr. Fix-it mentality. I have not wanted to try and help her recently, but I still find myself wanting to fix the situation.

[LITB]

I know I am still attached. This is obvious in the fact that I get some peace and hope of the fact of possibly dating her again. I know I need to work on this because my heart wants to take her out on a date the first weekend in March. So let me have the 2x4s about this one because I best get messages this way.

You know it is more effective to have the cart behind the horse?

Now you can slap me around but I have earrings that I planned on giving her for her birthday that I bought before Xmas. I think I am going to give them to her by leaving them in her room with a note. Something along the line of "I had these for your birthday and I still want you to have them." No pressure, no anticipated reaction. I really do want her to have them and don't expect anything to change or for her to even address it.

Why would we slap you around? You already know not to give them to her, yet you justify your actions.

My BS meter went off when I read "No pressure, no anticipated reaction. I really do want her to have them and don't expect anything to change or for her to even address it."

You really need to be honest with yourself Gogofo. The longer you remain on this path, the slower the process. You have setup camp in the land of attachment, and expectations, even though you have the map to get out.

If you prefer, I can hit you with a 4x4 or driver to get you to the land of detachment and no expectations.

Seriously, think about this. If/When you are calculating every interaction with your W, you are attached. When you begin doing things naturally, then the change is genuine. Not a whole lot of thought needs to go into your actions. True, and genuine change. It's a process.

[gogofo]

Well I feel like a genuine idiot and my attachment has led me here. I have been disregarding blatant facts for the hopes that I have sold myself.

I felt that she was just wanting a quick clean break to get out of the M and go to OM. But I put this out of my mind, she wouldn't do this to me, that is not her. She wouldn't tell me half truths, she wouldn't confide in him, etc.

Wow am I an idiot! My W would not do that, but she is not acting like she did when she was my W. I should have listened to what was going on. I even dismissed the OM's XW when she called me and told me she they were in contact again. I believed her when she said they were talking, but not seeing each other.

Well now I know they are going to Denver together for a weekend. UGGGGHHH

I am/was so beaten down that I would go for any little crumb she gave me. I feel so pathetic and spineless. I am mad at myself and at her.

Today is her birthday, but I think I am going to confront her about what she was doing before the end of the M. I am so angry but I don't care if this ruins anything that may be there. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't respect me they way I should be respected.

I feel that she is just f@#king with me. I am really mad.

Hopefully this helps push me over the edge of letting go of attachment. I feel so weak that I am still attached to my XW.

[gogofo]

Unfortunately I have regressed from most of the growth I had made a year ago. I have a sensitive heart and I let myself get hurt again because I did not learn anything.

[LITB]

Unfortunately I have regressed from most of the growth I had made a year ago. I have a sensitive heart and I let myself get hurt again because I did not learn anything.

We all make mistakes brother. You can't change the past. You can change from this point, forward. You get to decide.

What are you going to do?

[sandi2]

I'm sorry, Gogofo. I am sorry you are still suffering so badly from your stitch.

I thought you had said that you were signing the D papers, thinking it might help you detach. I am confused why you continued playing the whole big happy family role. Even cuddling on the couch?

Well, you are going to do what you want, but what is the point of confronting her? She played you. You just need to move on. What do you wish to accomplish by confronting her, now that you have the papers signed? Just to let her know you now know the truth?

[gogofo]

We all make mistakes brother. You can't change the past. You can change from this point, forward. You get to decide.

What are you going to do?

I know I am not willing to be in an open R, but we are legally D'd once the judge signs the paperwork, so we don't have a R. We haven't had one for the past 6 weeks anyways.

I am willing to stand for the M I feel we could rebuild, but not right now. She would have to drop the OM completely and I doubt a freshly D'd woman would be willing to do that, especially when the OM has to be a big part of the reason for the D.

I feel she was going for the D to clear her mind so she would not be a cheater.

What I need to learn how to do is grow as a person and get over this hurt. I don't want to start a R with who she is right now.

Being in my own house will feel great. The physical space will allow me to start detachment and work on myself.

Right now I am just angry and hurting.

[gogofo]

I'm sorry, Gogofo. I am sorry you are still suffering so badly from your stitch.

I thought you had said that you were signing the D papers, thinking it might help you detach. I am confused why you continued playing the whole big happy family role. Even cuddling on the couch?

Well, you are going to do what you want, but what is the point of confronting her? She played you. You just need to move on. What do you wish to accomplish by confronting her, now that you have the papers signed? Just to let her know you now know the truth?

I thought it would help me detach, but it was a big lie to myself. She is still acting like a WAW with her indecision. I took it as a sign that we could rebuild and then my attached mind started to wander and plot out what our future could be.

She has never had to earn me back, while I have been kissing her ass.

My confronting her was motivated by anger of the fresh feelings. I doubt I will do it, I am calming down more. Today is her birthday so my emotions were already a little elevated.

Confronting her would be just to make her hurt, which would feel pretty good right now.

I just feel confused by the I like you and we could date and the OM situation.

I never even got close to detachment.

[sandi2]

I never even got close to detachment.

I agree.

[gogofo]

My emotions have gone from
"I know we can fix this, look how good we are doing" to
"Things are getting rough at times, but we can figure this out" to
"Why can't you see how much I love you" to
"This needs to end, this limbo (from her)" to
"I want a D to end this limbo and pressure I feel" to
"I talk to OM, but we talk about lots of stuff" to
"Now we are D'd, and she is running to him"

Should I be surprised, no. I am sure many people would have seen this coming. Not me, I was blinding myself with a false reality and attachment. I was definitely stuck in the "denial" phase of grieving.

I was feeling good about the possibility of a future R, and wanting it too soon. My fantasy land was far from the reality that I am living in, and it [censored]. I am letting her hurt me. I don't want this and I don't need this, no one does.

[sandi2]

You are the only one who can control how this affects you. I believe every action you have taken has been with the idea the M was not over. You just could not accept it and you refused to detach. Even after signing the D, you continued doing what did not work.

So now, what is your next step?

[gogofo]

The next step is to move out this weekend after I sign the papers tomorrow. Living in my own place will help me detach.

I don't want to let go of her, and it hurts. If I don't let go of her then I will just be hurting myself. The only way to get through this is by accepting reality and dropping the rope.

I am going to struggle.

I will not be trying to force interactions with us at kid swap times. I will not be sending text messages. I will try to keep any interaction short and sweet.

She has never once felt like she could lose me through this whole situation, and that is a big mistake. He11, she has divorced me and she still hasn't lost me.

I need to cry, hard, and work through the pain from betrayal and being lied to that I feel now.

I need to accept that she would rather run off with this fantasy R with OM that does not include the day to day life activities. The weekend of March 13th will be hard because they will be out of town together and I don't want my mind to wander to what they may be doing.

I will need some serious GAL that weekend, and before.

A big part of me feels like I need the whole story and truth from her to move on. I don't know why. Probably because I think it will be another chance to change things.

[gogofo]

Emotions are still up and down, but not as bad as the last two days. Tuesday and Thursday the W was out after her evening class until midnight. This screws with my emotions because of my attachment and my mind wanders to her and OM. I have no idea what she is doing, but I don't like having to think about it. Being in my own house and not knowing where she is and when she gets home will allow my to detach a little bit more.

Yesterday I got my down payment checks ready for my down payment for buying my house today. I am excited!

After I got back to the house my BIL and SIL came over to deliver half of a beef that my FIL got for my XW. I helped them unload it and my nieces played with my two boys. It was really nice to see them all playing together.

My SIL and BIL started talking to me about the D and my XW. They both are confused and think she is wrong for wanting the D, made me feel less crazy about being confused by the situation. Her brother said she messed up and doesn't know what she it losing and I completely agree.

They also let it slip that she is angry about me buying a new house. I have noticed this and think it is funny/ridiculous. She wants me out, wanted the D, and is upset that I bought a new home. Well tough, and too bad. Maybe seeing me moving on is not as pleasant as she had thought it would be.

It also made me happy that she was upset, she needs to be. Maybe one day she will look back and see what she is missing. Is it wrong to find pleasure in my WAXW and her anger and pain regarding the reality of what is going on? It certainly cheers me up. I am not purposely trying to punish her, but when life shows her the errors of her ways, I like it.

SIL also told me that she does not like my XW's good friend that she hangs out with. This girl got a D from her husband about 10 months ago. My SIL said my XW would talk like "oh they got it all done in a week, it was so fast." and "she is so happy, it was only like two weeks before she started to feel better." I think SIL feels she was a bad influence on my W and her feelings towards our M. The friend also is the only one that know about the OM.

I have been trying to figure out what happened in the end to us. I don't know why, but I think I need closure. The story I have is that she likes the family life and wants it. She likes me and wanted to be with me. Then she started back talking to OM and his fantasy R that is all romance and pleasure and fun made her miss that. So she is choosing to chase that out instead of the mature love of a 10 year R. Was I perfect, heck no, but I was willing to work on any and every issue we had. Looking back I can see how her attitude and interaction with me changed when OM started back around again. In my mind she gave up on me and her family for a relationship that is not based or grounded in reality. Does it hurt, yes but I will get better. I don't want to be with a woman that would choose easy and quick pleasure over someone who is committed to a R/M.

I think she feels there is something better out there.

GAL this weekend will keep my busy and I need it. I will be unloading my stuff into my new house!! I will also get the kids and to go to a family b-day for my Grandma (83 years) and I will cherish it because she is going down hill fairly fast. I hope to get out within the next week and start the focus on me.

[gogofo]

I was just driving back from my closing on the house and saw my XW pulling into a restaurant for lunch. I was so very tempted to see who she is meeting, but I decided to go back to work and have lunch with my friends.

Don't want her to ruin my great mood.

[gogofo]

Had a nice night tonight. Went out and met with my parents, brother and aunt from California and had some drinks. This is the first time we have all been together in over three years, great time.

I also went through my house and was happy and getting excited. The last house we bought I felt a good deal of anxiety, but not this one. I am not ecstatic, because of the situation and D, but I am ready to start building a home there for me and my boys.

I still find myself wondering and thinking about my XW, but not as much. I still have raw feelings, but this time I am feeling more anger than I have before. On the first BD I just felt paralyzed by pain. Not now, thank you DB. This anger I feel is directed towards my XW and the situation. I am mad she gave up and is walking away again. I will get over it, or through it, but it is new for me as I am not am angry person.

[gogofo]

Going to be completely raw and honest with my feelings right now. I am laying in bed and cannot sleep.

I am still angry at my XW about the bullsh1t she is pulling. She is destroying our family to chase some ridiculous R with her OM. This guy has been trying to pull the same crap on other women at her work. She is hiding it from everyone and it burns my ass.

We could have built a great R if it would have been the two of us, but not the three of us. I was putting in all of the day to day stuff as he was having an EA with my W. I wouldn't be surprised if it went to a PA again too.

I really want to expose her for what she is acting like, only to make her hurt like I do.

I cannot get over the fact that she has a weekend trip planned with him in two weeks. This shows that they were connecting before she ran again. Only this time the D gives her full release. I am so f'ing pissed off right now. I feel so betrayed and want to call her on her BS and expose her secret R.

It makes sense how she went from good with us to not wanting to try. She wants to try with her fantasy man who left his W and kids and ruined another family.

Is this how she would want her son's to act? Secret phones and rendezvous and chicken sh1t betrayal.

I hate hurting and love who she was and who we could be. I so want to call her out and see if she is brave enough to tell me the truth.

She told me many times before that she would bury my bass if I ever cheated on her. Oh, not so funny now.

Carp I have a lot of work to do.

[Sotto]

Hi Gogofo

You do have some work to do if you are feeling like this. I'm re-reading DR at the moment, and it is helpful to go back to it. I read it in post BD crisis first time around abd this time it's more slowly and with pencil in hand.

These strong feelings you are holding onto only harm you my friend. Without looking back, have you read co-dependent no more? People seem to recommend that one, adn you do still seem pretty 'attached' to your W and struggling to 'accept' things. Acceptance may make a big difference to how you feel..

Why not come up with a plan that's all about you - about how you want to get from point A (your feelings now) to point B (how you want to be feeling.) And remember, none of that is about your XW. She will do what she will do. It's purely about your life going forwards and your own healing.

[gogofo]

The point A to point B plan sounds simple but I will have to lay it out as I know it won't be. The plan for today is to start getting settled and unpacking boxes at my house. With help I got both trailers unloaded, but nothing is put away. That will take some time.

I started codependent no more but did not identify with anything in it. I am sure I was not self aware enough at the time. I should start it over again.

[gogofo]

Had some good GAL today at my new house. My parents came over and helped put things away and put stuff together. It was nice and they are really excited about my new place. My mom even said she is jealous because it is new. My aunt came and took a tour too. It was nice to be surrounded by my family.

I sat there alone for about 5 minutes and it felt a little odd. Emotions were starting to come up. I feel that the first night or two that I am there it will be emotional. I am sure I will cry, but it will feel good to cry. It will be the end of my chapter as a H to my XW. From then on it will be a new beginning.

I still have a bunch of boxes to unpack but the house is almost to a livable state. I should be there permanently by this weekend.

Feeling good tonight and want to carry this momentum with me all week until the final move out. It is starting to feel and look like a home which is nice.

[gogofo]

Got spewed at tonight. My STBXW sent a text this morning wondering what the status of the D papers was as she needs to file them with her employer. Then she finds out that the kink in the chain is her L. So she is upset and then her L made the comment "I'm surprised that you went for such a low child support number."

She came home angry at me and at her L. She was steaming while making dinner. On top of that the weather is bad so her mom and two of our nieces are staying the night. I told her we would talk about it later.

I know I didn't handled this well but was getting tired of having no back bone.

She thinks I low balled her on child support. When I got the agreement I told my L we would probably have to adjust the amount. He said we should lower it first then, I said no I will talk not over with her. She agreed and I agreed and that is that.

Her (and my) assumption was that it is the standard calculated rate. Her L convinced her other wise. So now she thinks that I did it on purpose.

We argued back and forth about what happened and then she got angry that I hired a L. She said there was no need to. Ha!!

So she was really upset and cannot wait for me to get completely moved out.

She was even upset that our middle niece wanted to cuddle with me on the couch. More spew about me putting up an act because it is in conflict to how I was. She feels that I am trying to manipulate her.

I know arguing wasn't the best idea but I got tired of her view of reality. I am not who she thinks I am.

[Wonka]

GoFo,

Keep walking on the high road and ignore all that silly noise emanating from SBTXW.

Firmly tell W that this is what a D looks like and yes it is within your right to get your own L to protect yourself from her choices.

Many WASes have this fantasy that all will be cotton candy and popsicles with a red bow on top of the box. So silly! Of course, things don't play out as planned in their head because...HELLO!...this is real life.

[gogofo]

Thanks for the little pep talk.

I will be more cautious about talking with her. I know she was really upset for multiple reasons and I should have let sleeping dogs lie. I just was mad that she has such a skewed vision of who I am. But I know better than to be surprised.

Many WASes have this fantasy that all will be cotton candy and popsicles with a red bow on top of the box. So silly! Of course, things don't play out as planned in their head because...HELLO!...this is real life.

I have thought and felt this from her for a while, even when she first walked away. I made a comment when she was filling out our calendar with her weekend and work trips, etc. I said "wow you sure are out of town a lot." to which she replied "I LIKE to go out of town."

All I thought was "yes I know you do, that is why I was planning things for us to do to get away" but as always a WAS will pick and choose what to see and remember.

I think we both need some time for clarity. Me to come off my cloud and her to climb up out of her pit of anger towards me.

She even went off a little about some actions and attitude that had not been displayed in a year or better before she corrected herself and said that she has seen some changes BUT.. blah blah blah.

I now have my house about livable, just need to go on a big shopping trip for bathroom stuff and food and things like that. The big bummer is my washing machine is broken... AHHH
Thanks okay though, I like to try to fix things.

[gogofo]

Took the kids to dinner last night and then to WalMart to pick out bathroom decorations. It was fun. They decided on Batman, which is pretty awesome.

I had been a little nervous about showing them the house as in the last couple of days both of the kids have been saying that they don't want me to live in a different house. It is hard to hear and hurts a little bit, but each time it gets a little easier.

After buying the items we went to the house to decorate the bathroom and show then the house. They both were excited and happy to see things like the dinner table and their beds and funny things like "ahh! This lamp! I love this lamp!" Silly kids.

I had a quick flood of emotion and a quick sniffle and watery eyes. I was happy and a little sad at the same time. Sad that we don't have a family home anymore, but happy that I am in a good place and the kids will like it. They are a lot stronger than I think.

After the spew from the previous evening the STBXW and I had pleasant interactions. We have been dealing with people at the cell phone company to spin off my phone line into a separate contract and after 4 or 5 tries we finally got everything the way we needed. So no tension.

The plan now for me is to get the house ready for permanent living by this weekend. No more living together and the start of official co-parenting.

Today we have a parent teacher conference at 4:00 for our oldest, he is in Kindergarten. He is quite the thinker, so he does not listen very well or follow directions because he would rather talk about what you asked him to do or talk about how things might be done differently or better. Just like his dad.

One of my GAL activities I am doing is I am not getting any television service at my house, just internet. I hope it will inspire me to be more active and not just veg out and feel sorry for myself. It will also help with the kids and there TV consumption. They definitely like Sponge Bob and Teen Titans Go! With our moving situation unfortunately they have been sitting in front of the TV and electronics too much. We need to have some more Lego fun.

I have been telling myself that I need to stay active and moving around. If I want to watch TV I can do it while exercising or being creative etc. Don't want to be stagnant. I would much rather do something to the house or read or something I would consider to be productive.

[gogofo]

Yesterday went pretty good. Moved a couple more things to my house and am getting ready to clear everything out this weekend, do some grocery shopping, and move in.

STBXW and OM are texting really frequently and exchanging "love you". I saw a message from OM flash on her phone.

It set me off, not as bad as before, but it set me off. She could tell and asked if something was bothering me. I really wanted to unload on her and call her out and berate her and verbally attack her. I held all that in and said "Yes a lot of things are bothering me about this, I just don't know what I should or should not say." Not really a complete STFU, but I didn't get worse with my actions.

I went and watched the end of a basketball game with my friends for an hour and or so.

When I came back I was giving the W a pretty big cold shoulder. One word answers and the like. I am assuming it was the first time that I have gotten to true LRT or going dark. I say this because she was getting more into chatting me up and trying to talk to me. I just didn't feel like it.

I laid in bed thinking about how she is choosing to get a D and chase this OM who has a history of seeking out other women when married, etc. I heard a lot about him before, about how he may have been having an affair with another woman where my W and him work. I know it was an EA for sure. He is definitely good at what he does. Makes me sick and angry, but each time I confront the feelings it hurts less and less and lets me know more about how my STBXW is acting.

The part that hurts the most is the betrayal, dishonesty, and deceit. I don't know if it would be better if she was open and honest with it, but the secrecy about it and her lying to me is something that I thought she would never do. She even told me on numerous occasions that she would kill me and bury me in a pit if I ever cheated on her, and she was fairly serious about it. Wonder what she feels about herself... oh wait she justifies her actions.

I will be out of the house this weekend and will try to focus on building myself and my life up to higher levels. I need the head space and clarity of not being in the same house with her to detach and look at the situation without emotion and see her for who she is right now.

[gogofo]

Dumping this thread with a grim title for a new positive thread to reflect how I am feeling.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546117&#Post2546117