Gogofo - Learning to go dark

[gogofo]

Well I feel like a genuine idiot and my attachment has led me here. I have been disregarding blatant facts for the hopes that I have sold myself.

I felt that she was just wanting a quick clean break to get out of the M and go to OM. But I put this out of my mind, she wouldn't do this to me, that is not her. She wouldn't tell me half truths, she wouldn't confide in him, etc.

Wow am I an idiot! My W would not do that, but she is not acting like she did when she was my W. I should have listened to what was going on. I even dismissed the OM's XW when she called me and told me she they were in contact again. I believed her when she said they were talking, but not seeing each other.

Well now I know they are going to Denver together for a weekend. UGGGGHHH

I am/was so beaten down that I would go for any little crumb she gave me. I feel so pathetic and spineless. I am mad at myself and at her.

Today is her birthday, but I think I am going to confront her about what she was doing before the end of the M. I am so angry but I don't care if this ruins anything that may be there. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't respect me they way I should be respected.

I feel that she is just f@#king with me. I am really mad.

Hopefully this helps push me over the edge of letting go of attachment. I feel so weak that I am still attached to my XW.

[gogofo]

Unfortunately I have regressed from most of the growth I had made a year ago. I have a sensitive heart and I let myself get hurt again because I did not learn anything.

[LITB]

Unfortunately I have regressed from most of the growth I had made a year ago. I have a sensitive heart and I let myself get hurt again because I did not learn anything.

We all make mistakes brother. You can't change the past. You can change from this point, forward. You get to decide.

What are you going to do?

[sandi2]

I'm sorry, Gogofo. I am sorry you are still suffering so badly from your stitch.

I thought you had said that you were signing the D papers, thinking it might help you detach. I am confused why you continued playing the whole big happy family role. Even cuddling on the couch?

Well, you are going to do what you want, but what is the point of confronting her? She played you. You just need to move on. What do you wish to accomplish by confronting her, now that you have the papers signed? Just to let her know you now know the truth?

[gogofo]

We all make mistakes brother. You can't change the past. You can change from this point, forward. You get to decide.

What are you going to do?

I know I am not willing to be in an open R, but we are legally D'd once the judge signs the paperwork, so we don't have a R. We haven't had one for the past 6 weeks anyways.

I am willing to stand for the M I feel we could rebuild, but not right now. She would have to drop the OM completely and I doubt a freshly D'd woman would be willing to do that, especially when the OM has to be a big part of the reason for the D.

I feel she was going for the D to clear her mind so she would not be a cheater.

What I need to learn how to do is grow as a person and get over this hurt. I don't want to start a R with who she is right now.

Being in my own house will feel great. The physical space will allow me to start detachment and work on myself.

Right now I am just angry and hurting.

[gogofo]

I'm sorry, Gogofo. I am sorry you are still suffering so badly from your stitch.

I thought you had said that you were signing the D papers, thinking it might help you detach. I am confused why you continued playing the whole big happy family role. Even cuddling on the couch?

Well, you are going to do what you want, but what is the point of confronting her? She played you. You just need to move on. What do you wish to accomplish by confronting her, now that you have the papers signed? Just to let her know you now know the truth?

I thought it would help me detach, but it was a big lie to myself. She is still acting like a WAW with her indecision. I took it as a sign that we could rebuild and then my attached mind started to wander and plot out what our future could be.

She has never had to earn me back, while I have been kissing her ass.

My confronting her was motivated by anger of the fresh feelings. I doubt I will do it, I am calming down more. Today is her birthday so my emotions were already a little elevated.

Confronting her would be just to make her hurt, which would feel pretty good right now.

I just feel confused by the I like you and we could date and the OM situation.

I never even got close to detachment.

[sandi2]

I never even got close to detachment.

I agree.

[gogofo]

My emotions have gone from
"I know we can fix this, look how good we are doing" to
"Things are getting rough at times, but we can figure this out" to
"Why can't you see how much I love you" to
"This needs to end, this limbo (from her)" to
"I want a D to end this limbo and pressure I feel" to
"I talk to OM, but we talk about lots of stuff" to
"Now we are D'd, and she is running to him"

Should I be surprised, no. I am sure many people would have seen this coming. Not me, I was blinding myself with a false reality and attachment. I was definitely stuck in the "denial" phase of grieving.

I was feeling good about the possibility of a future R, and wanting it too soon. My fantasy land was far from the reality that I am living in, and it [censored]. I am letting her hurt me. I don't want this and I don't need this, no one does.

[sandi2]

You are the only one who can control how this affects you. I believe every action you have taken has been with the idea the M was not over. You just could not accept it and you refused to detach. Even after signing the D, you continued doing what did not work.

So now, what is your next step?

[gogofo]

The next step is to move out this weekend after I sign the papers tomorrow. Living in my own place will help me detach.

I don't want to let go of her, and it hurts. If I don't let go of her then I will just be hurting myself. The only way to get through this is by accepting reality and dropping the rope.

I am going to struggle.

I will not be trying to force interactions with us at kid swap times. I will not be sending text messages. I will try to keep any interaction short and sweet.

She has never once felt like she could lose me through this whole situation, and that is a big mistake. He11, she has divorced me and she still hasn't lost me.

I need to cry, hard, and work through the pain from betrayal and being lied to that I feel now.

I need to accept that she would rather run off with this fantasy R with OM that does not include the day to day life activities. The weekend of March 13th will be hard because they will be out of town together and I don't want my mind to wander to what they may be doing.

I will need some serious GAL that weekend, and before.

A big part of me feels like I need the whole story and truth from her to move on. I don't know why. Probably because I think it will be another chance to change things.