Posting my detachment work I started this evening so I can refer to it when I need to. I know I have to refer back here often and keep reading it until I have it developed it. The whole fake it until I make it idea.
Some of the "letting go" statements that define detachment were painful to think about. I am realizing the reality of the loss of my W and family as I wanted it to be is very painful.
Gogofo's steps to develop detachment
1 - Toxic relationship qualities I identify with *I find it hard to let go because it is addictive *She is emotionally unavailable to me *I’m overly dependent on Her *She has the power to impact my feelings about myself *I am a chronic fixer *My loyalty to Her won’t allow me to let go *I have a dream that She will come around and change to be what I want *She has not forgiven all past hurts *My needs and wants are ignored
2 - These qualities are specific to my attachment with Her
3 - My irrational beliefs that prevent me from becoming detached. *Being detached seems so cold and aloof. I can’t be that way when I love and care for Her. It’s either 100 percent all the way or no way at all *If I let go too soon She might change to be like the fantasy or dream I want Her to be *Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and unreachable. I could never allow myself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between Her and I. It seems so unnatural. *I don’t want Her to be emotionally detached from me so why would I think it’s a good thing to do to Her *The family that plays together stays together. Never do anything without including Her. *If She hurts, I hurt. *If She is in trouble how can I ignore her, it seems cruel and inhuman *When She is hurting I must always get involved and try to help Her solve problems *I would rather forgo all my pleasures in order to assist Her to be happy and successful *I can never give too much when providing support, comfort, and care for Her *No matter how badly She hurts me I must always be forgiving and continue to help and support Her *I should love Her more since love is the answer to all our problems
4 - I am being hurt emotionally because I am not detached from my relationship with Her. I build myself up and think that my relationship is one of the main characteristics that defines me. A successful marriage and happy family means that I am a worthy person. If She is happy then I am doing a good job and being happy too. If She is in a bad mood then I must have done something wrong or need to change something about myself so I can make her happy again. I do not have the ability alone to make her happier, but I can make her sad and then bring her back up to the same level she was before thereby making her feel like I can cheer her up. I base my actions on what I think She would like. Very few, if any, of the decisions and choices I make are based on what it is that I want or desire. I look at my actions to change her actions and how she feels. I feel like I need to fix Her and Us so we can have a more fulfilling relationship. If I am not working on the relationship then I am hurting it. I am scared to lay back and let us naturally grow together.
5 - I need to accept that I can only change myself, I cannot change Her. She is unchangeable in my life. I cannot have expectations that things will be better than they are in reality. My expectations are created by not detaching and cause me pain. She will do whatever she feels she needs to do or change what she needs to change. I need to let go of my need to change Her, no one has this ability but her. Let life play out the way that it will.
6 - I do not need to feel guilty about letting go and emotionally detaching from my relationship with Her. My detachment does not mean that I do not care for her, it means that she has the freedom to be who she wants to be. If her life turns out to be worse than it is right now, I cannot feel guilty about this. It will be her choices that lead her there and I do not have the ability to fix her or her choices and therefore should not feel guilty if this happens. I should also not feel guilty if her life becomes happier than it is right now or was in our relationship. She made the choices and did the actions she chose inside and outside of our relationship. If she was unhappy I should not feel responsible or guilty because those were her choices.
7 - I deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy and fulfilling. I am a great person who is full of love to share with a person that wants to give the love back to me. I am a great catch with many unique and good qualities that plenty of woman would be so lucky to experience. My desire to better myself and learn and grow should also be reflected and given back to me in a relationship. I am a person who deserves all this and more and can find someone who deserves this and gives this back to me as well. I will become strong enough to let go to improve myself to become the person I deserve to be.
8 - I will gain support from the forum as I begin my journey to develop detachment from Her. I will find solace in not feeling alone and unique in my situation and know that others before me have walked this difficult and painful path before me and came out of the other end as better people. There is not growth without pain.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Not sure yet Sandi. Keep me honest and straight and call me on my BS.
Right now the W and I are packing up the marital house we are selling. Wouldn't you know it, the ice queen has thawed a little. she has been sniffing and weeping quietly on and off. But no love from me. I have been walking around the house whistling and being merry.
Back to work and no support for W from me. She can cry about it if she wants, it is the reality she created.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
W continued to have waves of emotions. At one point she may have been trying to be noticed, but I would just walk by and keep doing what I was doing. She left wearing sunglasses because her eyes swell when she cries.
Most of the time I did not engage her in conversation either.
Now it is off back to our shared home for dinner and then I am taking the boys to see sponge bob movie. Should be awesome. The W will be home alone doing homework.
Not going to lie, I felt good today and it even cheered me up a bit to see the W grappling with her emotions.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
See? We have tried to tell you how this works. Today was just a little example. You could feel this well most of the time, if you would realize your happiness comes from within yourself and is based on "you".......not her.
You went about the packing & moving exactly the way you should do. You weren't trying to get her to change her mind, or any R discussions. You were even whistling?
You know, I wasn't going to mention it, but since you brought it up.....you may be right about her wanting some attention at one point. I bet she was wondering what on earth got into you! And furthermore, don't be too surprised if she doesn't bait you a little more.......to temperature check you out. You know what I'm talking about?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was going up and down the stairs and she had been in different rooms or with her back to me. When I came up the stairs she was sitting on a stool right at the top.
She just handed me a new jacket and said "here, see if you have a use for this." Probably was supposed to be a Valentine's gift. I just flatly said thank you and left it at that.
A package did arrive that has gourmet chocolate in it that I had ordered a while ago. It is addressed from one of our favourite delis. I just need to fight the temptation to share it with her.
Now off to the movies!!
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
My temptation would be to hand it to her and say, "Here, see if you have a use for it". But since we don't encourage tit for tat, I suppose you could open it up when the family is watching TV together. "Care for some chocolate, W? No? Okay, look what Daddy has, kids".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The last couple of days have been busy. Spent the weekend packing up the old house into a trailer and the last couple of days have been busy at work.
The W and I ended up having a heart to heart on Sunday night. I was wore out and tired from two days of hard work and decided that I wanted to have a bottle or two of wine. I then got out the chocolates and gave her the same line she gave me and we then shared them together. Lots of organic talk between us and it was an enjoyable time.
The talk slowly got to R talk. The gist of it was that I am against the D and think we can work it out. She asked why I was so against the D, she voiced that it didn’t necessarily mean the end of “us”.
She said that she is excited to see what my house will look like when she isn’t the one decorating it. I never had many design ideas for our houses, but I was good at telling her no.
She said that we only had two dates where I really tried. One was the very first date we had when trying to get back together in the beginning of May. It really was a great reconnection we had. I took her for a drink, then to a dance performance, and then to dinner, then for a walk in the dark to a swing where we sat and cuddled in the dark holding each other. The second time she referenced was the amazing weekend we had around Thanksgiving. We stayed at a nice resort and had an amazing time as a family and as a couple.
I would disagree that these were the only times I really tried, but what her message was is that she still felt taken granted of. This is why (I assume) that she felt we were doing better when living apart. She said I had to try during these times, and she was looking forward to seeing me on date nights. She wants to feel wanted, and worthy, and something worth fighting for.
We talked more about feelings and where we went wrong or what had happened to us. We both think that when we had our first son that things significantly changed in our M and we both failed to respond. I told her how happy it made me to see her hurting when we were at the house on Saturday. She said she knows it made me happy and she was actually thankful that I did not try to console her. She said she did not know what she would have done if I tried to hug her.
She let me get away with things that aggravated her and I didn’t know they did. We both were letting things go that needed addressed in our R. I told her that I need to learn lessons with a hammer, I don’t “get” or understand subtle hints or suggestions.
We were just being open and teasing and she was being feisty and I was being silly, basically like when we first got together. This dynamic we have is very good for the both of us and what created our love. I told her that she was being “mean” and I liked it, this part of her personality was very attractive to me.
Her feelings seem to be that she needs to get a D to end the relationship and all that it might have been. In the past she told me that part of her felt that she needed to D me to date me again.
We kept talking and the discussion turned to our future, etc. and that she felt the D wouldn’t be the end of us. I asked her “Do you mean you would be open to dating me again?” She instantly responded, with lots of feeling, “Yes, and you better bring it.” So I told her I would take her out on the first weekend in March after I get my house together a little bit.
During most of this discussion we were holding hands and being emotional. When the discussion was over, way too late for a Sunday night, we embraced very tightly for a couple minutes. I also did get a candid moment from her and that there may be feelings for me inside her still. I was leaning in and talking to her and she said something to the effect of “I’m not ready to kiss you yet” to which I laughed because I wasn’t going for one.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
