Gogofo - Learning to go dark

[gogofo]

Link to old thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...937#Post2537937

Not going to beat around the bush here, I am trying to find the level of respect to show to my W at this time.

I feel I should tell her tonight that I responded to the complaint because my rights as a father were not being protected and just leave it at that. If discussion continues, then so be it.

She gave me a heads up that I would be contacted by her L when she started the process. She deserves the same respect in return. I was mad that she told me via text message, I wished she would have told me in person.

It would be a 180 for me to tell her in person and face whatever reaction she has. I never brought up any tough talks at any point during our M until things were about to go nuclear. I avoided any talks that were painful. I don't care if she will be angry or not, I respect her enough to be open with what actions I am taking.

[LITB]

Gogofo,

You will know that you are detached when you stop calculating every single interaction.

Personally, I wouldn't tell her anything about the D. You probably know by now that DB'ing is counter-intuitive. You can't seem to stay out of your own way.

Eventually you will learn to quit putting your hand in the fire. You have already been warned to put on your spew jacket. That sh!t storm is script. You don't have to sit there and take it. It already been said in your last thread.

[sandi2]

If discussion continues, then so be it.

. Oh brother.

I think it would be a bigger 180 for you not to give in to your urges to TALK. You always want to tell her something, discuss something, confront something. Please don't cover up your urge to talk about the stitch by saying you have enough respect to tell her why you did or didn't agree with her and her lawyer. Please! She and the L know what they are pushing for.......so you just need to let the lawyers work deal with it and you not try once again to talk about it with her. It does not work.

Don't you realize that any good father is going to get all the rights he has with his kids? Would she expect you to settle for less? IDK, but her L may have suggested going for XXX and if you didn't agree, then they could always pull back. I don't believe you should be discussing it. It will only lead to more anger.........and you even anticipate her responding if you bring it up. Which is enough said.

[Drew]

I feel I should tell her tonight that I responded to the complaint because my rights as a father were not being protected and just leave it at that. If discussion continues, then so be it.

You like to lead with your chin, don't you?

Do not trust your feelings young Skywalker, they will betray you.

Leave.
The.
Divorce.
To.
The.
Lawyers.

[gogofo]

Well as you can tell I am a ball of emotions. I need to find some peace and clarity.

The emailed a schedule with days that will be issues for her all the way through June.

She then called about the schedule stuff and then said "my L called and said your L called him and you are contesting?" I said that I need to make sure that my rights as a father are respected and represented by the law, as they were wrote they were not. I needed to respond to be able to be legally represented in this process. She said okay, that is what we agreed upon.

So that is taken care of. I also told her that I was taking the kids to the movie on Saturday night.

I think now I am working past the denial stage of grief and getting into the angry area.

Angry because we had a trip planned that she is going on now, don't know with who but I would assume OM.

Angry because I feel betrayed. Angry because I have not been able to give up control or my attachment.

I need to keep working towards staying dark. I feel much more at peace when alone in my room. I am also getting more excited about my place so I can get some distance and peace.

[bdub]

You feel at peace when you are alone in your room because you are just putting it off. The only way to get through this is to go through it. GAL and detach.

I am telling you my friend, I have been in your shoes. I have sat alone in my room. I have felt the anger, betrayal and anxiety.

While she is with OM she should get very very little respect from you. If you keep showing her respect while she disrespects you, she will see you as weak and will NOT be attracted to you at all.

[gogofo]

I am feeling pretty angry right now so I need to journal.

I am pissed off that my W will talk about how important her family is to her and then not be willing to work on our M. I feel like she is giving up on the family.

I don't understand her hot and cold feelings and how we cannot talk about our feelings. Oh that's right, you are confiding in another person. This is not what happens in a healthy relationship.

I am pissed at the realtionship quotes she puts on pinterest. They totally embody how I feel about our R/M and where we can build it up to.

I am pissed how she verbalizes that she wants a divorce because she is done trying. This just days after planning a trip for us because she said that she needed to keep trying to.

I am so mad right now at the situation because we don't understand each other's feelings. I don't understand how someone can tell you she loves you, expresses it in multiple different ways and then be so sure that things will never work out. AHHHHHHH!!!

There are so many things right now that I want to yell and scream at her. From I love to to F!@K YOU and everything in between.

I know that DBing principles go against what feels right. I feel that I should talk to her about how she feels about this whole situation, like I never did much before. So that means I need to STFU and wait and wait and wait to see if she ever feels any different.

Trying to go dark is going to be very hard. I am scared about it even though with the D in progress I have nothing left to lose. I am addicted to her, not as much as last week or the week before, but I am still addicted. I am emotionally drained right now and all I feel is anger this afternoon.

I am so confused by her swings in emotion and how she goes from acting like herself to acting crazy. I am in love with the woman that acts like my W, the other person just has me in disbelief.

I want nothing more than for us to rebuild our R into something greater. I am so disappointed right now that I don't know whether to scream or cry.

I am glad the W is gone tonight hanging our with her friends because I may have went nuclear on any shred of R that is left.

I hate operating out of fear and pain. I need to get through this and these emotions I am feeling tonight. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will be busy so hopefully my mind will not be on the R.

(Rant over)

[Karma12]

I just posted so great info on my thread about detaching. I copied it from a thread on the MLC forum by Job and Cadet. Worth reading for sure

[gogofo]

Thanks Karma, I have read it before (a year ago) but just read through it again and now have a new perspective on it. I was actually reading it when you replied to my thread.

After the kids and I finish watching a movie I plan on working through the information and writing out how it applies to me and my attachment to my W.

Thanks for the suggestion.

[Karma12]

It was good for me too even though I have read it before too. Sometimes we get more when we go back and read again