PS You mentioned you're journaling about what you plan to say to W. If you plan to WRITE something to her - like some of the valuable RobX stuff - post it here first, won't you? We'd all love to give you some feedback on it so you can fine-tune it with little-to-no emotion.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Starsky, What about the the NC that is out on the guy. should i drop that when i let her go? or should i leave the NC up.
I've been thinking long and hard on this, and I've read Train's thoughts on it as well, and philosophically I don't disagree with anything she said -- it's pretty much my position on most affair-busting and DBing. However, you have to keep in mind that the "RobX" approach is VERY different -- and in some ways the exact opposite. For example, while we normally preach no-contact and transparency, this plan says "Hey, you do what you want" (while at the same time saying "From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.")
So my advice would be . . .
To remain SILENT on the issue of your NC order on her OM, hoping that she doesn't ask. And you keep it in place. However, if she asks you say something like "Look, I'm not lifting another finger to either do or UN-do any of the things I've done to try to save this marriage. I've already wasted far too much time and I need to start living my life, whatever that holds. But I really don't care who you see or you don't see anymore, because you're not with me. If you ever decide you want to be with me, well . . . my standards and boundaries are pretty clear, aren't they. You're a grown woman -- go do as you wish. This isn't working for me any more, and I deserve better than this."
4:06am, Train? What are you doing up at that hour, LOL?! Cleaning my cape.
remain SILENT on the issue of your NC order on her OM, hoping that she doesn't ask. And you keep it in place. However, if she asks you say something like "Look, I'm not lifting another finger to either do or UN-do any of the things I've done to try to save this marriage. I like that.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Not to belabor the point but I think you want to come across as in control, focused and in some respects apathetic - it could go either way and you're fine with either. Remember the opposite of love isn't hate - its apathy.
She will feel your absence much stronger than she'll feel a negative presence. You also don't appear pursuing and you don't give her a reason to continue to be resentful.
Don't do anything to hurt, don't do anything to help. Live your life as if she didn't even exist.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Not to belabor the point but I think you want to come across as in control, focused and in some respects apathetic - it could go either way and you're fine with either. Remember the opposite of love isn't hate - its apathy.
She will feel your absence much stronger than she'll feel a negative presence. You also don't appear pursuing and you don't give her a reason to continue to be resentful.
Don't do anything to hurt, don't do anything to help. Live your life as if she didn't even exist.
She's a friend who betrayed you horribly, and continues to take advantage of you if you allow it. Treat her as such.
That is exactly how i am going to approach this when the time comes. I think i will give it a few weeks before i even decide to have this talk. it give me time to focus get my thoughts in order and really express my self in a non-bias for without malis or anger. i am not going to address the NC on OM unless she says something about it. then i'm going to slam the door just as you stated Starsky. She will be free to make her choices and live her life. And i will move forward. thank you guys very much. i will post as i write some things out to get input.
