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#2537917 02/13/15 03:24 PM
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Figure I'd start a new thread...
First Thread here...

Cliff Notes Version with updates:

My wife started a new job last year. At her new job she works with mostly Hispanic men. Last October I started noticing changes in her behavior. She was being verbally abusive to our oldest (who looks a lot like me). She changed her musical tastes to salsa/pop music. She started spending more time getting ready for work. She also became very protective of her cell phone. And started learning Spanish.

November 2014: BD1. We had a fight that seemed over nothing. She was trying to be intimate with me and I was fast asleep. This has happened to both of us before and we had an understanding that this was common. She accused me of being gay (along with a lot of other things). However, we both agreed to go to IC and work on things.

November 2014-December 2014: More coldness from her until BD2 (12/14/2014). She said she was unhappy in our M and needed space and time to figure things out. I never got the ILYB speech, but it was close. From that point on until the weekend after Christmas, I broke several of the 37 rules. Presents, crying, begging, reasoning, reassurances, "I love you's"...none of it worked. She moved into the spare bedroom on Christmas Eve.

January 2015: Eventually I convinced her to go to MC. Mainly because of our house situation. But she said she didn't see how it was going to help. After the first session, I told her that I was going to fight for our M and she blew up at me. Blaming all of the M problems on me. Before the second session I tried empathy. She seemed to lighten up a bit. But during the second session she said she was moving forward with the D.

February 2015: After doing some detective work (and with some insight from fellow DB'ers), I am pretty sure she is having an EA/Fantasy with a guy from her work. No solid evidence yet. But I did discover a secret email and FB account. This FB account has no friends, posts, or likes. But it did have searches of two guys from her work. I also found pictures on her phone of a guy at her work. I was unable to determine if the guy in the pics are one of the guys from the FB search. So far the phone and text records are clear.

She has also stopped wearing her wedding ring.

Currently: No more discussion on the D. I have been applying the rules and trying to GAL (took a boxing class this week). We still talk and sometimes eat meals together. Most of the talk is small talk and I let her initiate it. We rarely text or talk on the phone unless it is dinner plans or kid related.

She is becoming more secretive about her work. She doesn't wear perfume to work, but she takes it with her. She's more obsessive about the salsa music. So much so that our kids have noticed. She's also still protective of her phone, but has gotten a little sloppy and I have been able to get access to it.

I am still seeing my IC but the W has stopped.

She rarely goes out, but I just got a text that she wants to go out with a friend next weekend.

I'm in for a rough ride....


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Hi Leon,

Other than "following the rules" and "GALing," what is your current PLAN? Have you set any sort of internal deadlines for yourself as to next steps? What is your wife's current understanding of what your position is?

thanks,

Starsky


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At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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. . . and are you keeping that daily log, including tracking the family finances?


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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Hi Leon,

Other than "following the rules" and "GALing," what is your current PLAN? Have you set any sort of internal deadlines for yourself as to next steps? What is your wife's current understanding of what your position is?

thanks,

Starsky


I guess my only real plan is to try to set as much money aside that I can. No big purchases. But no plan though. Suggestions? I still haven't picked up the DR book yet. I plan to this weekend.

I told my wife that I don't want to D, but I understand her position. Maybe not the best choice of words.

And yes, I am keeping a log of everything.


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As for as the EA/PA goes, what should I do when it is confirmed? I thought about sending a message to the OM's W. Or contacting my W's work (I a sure it is frowned upon). Should I confront my W?

Last edited by Leon01; 02/13/15 04:16 PM.

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Originally Posted By: Leon01
But no plan though. Suggestions? I still haven't picked up the DR book yet.



YES -- read Divorce Remedy!!! You'll be much more able to ask us specific questions on here about the techniques that way, and we can better help.

Might wanna plan disappearing for a few hours tonite or tomorrow night, with only "I'm going out -- I won't be late." Look good, smell good (new cologne), be mysterious.


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Thanks again Starsky.

Question: should I tell my W again that I don't want to D? I feel that in our last MC I didn't stress it enough.


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Only if it's in context (she uses the "D-word" first). Example:

WW: "This is never going to work! I still want a divorce, you know!"

BH: (calmly) "Do what you feel you need to do. That's still not what I want, but I hear you when you say that you want that, and I certainly am not going to keep living in an open marriage."

When the betrayed spouse initiates its use, it can look like a tactic or a grand pronouncement. It's also very disrespectful to the marriage for it to be thrown around casually, so I generally don't like to overruse it. Trust me, she remembers.

Last edited by Starsky309; 02/13/15 04:43 PM.

M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Thanks again. I may go pick up DR during my lunch break today.

Oh and I will duck out for a few hours tonight. Even if I just come back to work.

Last edited by Leon01; 02/13/15 04:51 PM.

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Hey Leon, when your W keeps son at home, claiming he is sick, how does he seem to be by the time you get home? (besides being hungry mad)

Do you ever speak with the child during the time he is staying in from school?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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He did have a bit of a cough this week. But otherwise he seemed fine. No fever or any other symptoms that would lead me to believe there is anything wrong with him.

I think the W had a concern because of the measles scare going on.


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Last night I came home, made dinner and we ate. Afterwards i hit the shower dressed up nice and left for a couple of hours. She was up waiting for me when I got home again. So thanks again Starsky.

I ordered DR as well. Hopefully it will come next week.


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Another friend advised me to remove my wedding ring since the W removed hers. Good idea?


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Originally Posted By: Leon01

I ordered DR as well. Hopefully it will come next week.


In the mean time read chapter 1

http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm


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Don't get hung up about the rings. Some LBH'S tend to make a big deal out it, but my opinion is to do whatever makes you feel better. Just as long as you don't go either way hoping to get some reaction from her.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Ok. Thanks for the advice.


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Thanks. Hopefully the book will arrive tomorrow.

The Weekend was pretty uneventful. I found out that a close friend is going through the same thing so i have someone to connect with now.

Tonight is going to be tough though. I get to sit here and watch her dress up nice for work. I have been doing something reading on the affair fog and a lot of it is very similar to my sitch. I really have to learn to practice patience when it comes to this.


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Is there anyone who could keep the kids a while? If so, beat her to the punch and YOU get dressed up to go out. If that's not possible, then find something fun to do with the boys. Never give the impression you are playing the role of a victim. You are not a victim who gets to watch her dress up for work! Seriously, don't pay any attention to her getting ready. What can you do that will be fun for the kids, where all three of you are having a blast when she leaves out.

Then don't make a big thing over her leaving. No hugs, kisses, ILY's, .....nothing more than, "Okay, see ya later".


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi,

Thanks for the advice. I don't show her that it bothers me. I usually smile and say goodbye when she leaves. I will find something to occupy myself with tonight when she leaves.

Oh and the ILYs stopped a while ago.


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Don't wait till AFTER she leaves. The point is to be doing something enjoyable BEFORE she leaves.

Do you see?



It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Gotcha.


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I found a book on filing legal documents in the house last night. The W said she would make the D amicable. Not sure what that means to her, but we'll see.


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Quote:
Question: should I tell my W again that I don't want to D? I feel that in our last MC I didn't stress it enough.


Personally, I feel that some LBH'S say it too much. If you have told her, and if she heard it, then there comes a point it could be seen by her as you being in a weaker position.

I lean toward Robx's attitude of "Yeah well this sure isn't working for me!". It tends to take a lot of wind out of the sail of the WAW. It is not always best that she knows every feeling you have or what you may decide. I really believe the WW should have concerns about her H and he should not continue to give her assurances while she is in that mindset.

Quote:
I found a book on filing legal documents in the house last night. The W said she would make the D amicable. Not sure what that means to her, but we'll see.


Sounds as if you confronted her about the book.

What she means by amicable? "I'm going to take every thing away from you that the law allows, with a smile on my face".


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi2,

I have not confronted her about the book. Earlier she said she'd be amicable. But it does appear that she wants to do this without involving an L. She did tell me that she'd work with me on visitation. Like she talked about us getting separate apartments in the same complex or relatively close to each other.

I just want to see what she has in mind.


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You need "legal" advice, and not take the word of a WW. And, it would not be a good idea to be neighbors if you plan to separate. That arrangement may sound good, at first, but it's worse than having your in-laws next door! Separation is for distance. The closer you live, the more you see and the more advantage of you she'll take. It is in your best interest not to live close to her.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I have gotten legal advice. I'm pretty much screwed if she goes that route and gets the max amount. I make 3X what she does and the alimony laws here are messed up.

I am kind of torn though.
Do I:
1) Agree to move close to her and work with her with the kids. She works nights, so the kids would probably sleep at my place. This is nice because I still get to be involved in the boys daily lives. I wonder if she would not take me to the cleaners as far as finances go if I did agree to help out.
Or,
2) Lawyer up, sue to be the custodial parent and let the chips fall where they may. She'd have to get a job during the day and put the kids in child care. Something she said she'd never do. But with this "fog" she's in, I am not so sure now. This could also help me because she would not be around the OM on a daily basis.

I already told her that I wasn't sure if I could live near her if we separate. And most people tell me that my chances of getting custody are slim to none. This is part of the reason I started the log about her behavior towards the kids.


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Originally Posted By: Leon01
most people tell me that my chances of getting custody are slim to none.

Did a lawyer tell you this?

Personally I would do whatever it takes to be with my kids.
Nothing - not even wild horses would keep me away from them.

You need to be the BEST DAD that you can be. JMHO


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Originally Posted By: Cadet

Did a lawyer tell you this?

The lawyer I talked to said that there's always a possibility. She said I had a better chance if I file first.

My IC said that in the cases shes seen, about 10% of the dads get full custody. And those are usually in cases of abuse or neglect.

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Personally I would do whatever it takes to be with my kids.
Nothing - not even wild horses would keep me away from them.

You need to be the BEST DAD that you can be. JMHO

Agreed. Which is why I am curious as to what the W has in mind and why I am torn. As per the rules, I cannot discuss this with her until she is ready. But it is something I have been thinking about.

Also, through all of this the W has said that I am a great dad to the boys and that has never been an issue. I think this is the only positive thing she has said about me in the past few months.

Last edited by Leon01; 02/16/15 09:00 PM.

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Unfortunately we are not suppose to post links from outside the forum on this website.

If you can take it off I suggest you do that.


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Quote:
As per the rules, I cannot discuss this with her until she is ready. But it is something I have been thinking about.


Huh?


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You have to understand the the "rules" aren't definite rules. They are detailed in the DB and DR books. I don't think you're applying them correctly.


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Ok. I still feel somewhat afraid to bring it up with her. She hasn't discussed our relationship with me since our last MC session. We've just been going about our lives.


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I can't edit that post with the link. So i self notified.


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Don't bring up your relationship. In what ways have you changed?


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Originally Posted By: MrBond
Don't bring up your relationship. In what ways have you changed?


As far as changes go:
I'm more diligent about house cleaning and repairs. Before,she'd handle most of that.
I'm taking more initiative when it come to the kids activities.
I haven't looked at porn.
I make eye contact when she or anyone else talks to me. I notice that it has an impact on most people I interact with.
I only contact her when it is necessary.
I make myself scarce when we are both home.
I don't expect her to cook on her days off. Keep in mind, I normally cook.

I'm sure there's more, but this is what i am consciously doing.


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Did you actually pick up a copy of the books yet? You're doing alot of mistakes that are detailed in there and it's not fair that you expect people to spoon-feed you answers.

We all did the work and studied the books. It's how you know what the right path to take is.


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I am reading DB I ordered DR. It was shipped today.


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So in DB terms, what changes are you making to get a positive response from her?


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Quote:
Quote:

Quote:
As per the rules, I cannot discuss this with her until she is ready. But it is something I have been thinking about.


Huh?


Is this the rule you were thinking about?

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

This rule was to encourage newcomers who want to flood their WAS with a zillion relationship questions about their M to hold back and wait for her to be ready to discuss things. It was not intended to include important information about your children and where they will be moving. As a father you have as much right to your children as the mother does. That includes knowing when & where she plans to move with them.

Therefore, get the information you need as calmly as possible.
I think you need to protect you finances, property, college funds, and any other accounts from her being able to get her hands on it, and......don't be free in what you tell her in advance. I think you really need legal representation.

Btw, do you live in a "no fault" divorce state?


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Originally Posted By: sandi2
do you live in a "no fault" divorce state?

All states in the US are now no-fault as NY changed to no-fault in 2010 becoming the last state to become no-fault.


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Originally Posted By: MrBond
So in DB terms, what changes are you making to get a positive response from her?


The housework for sure.
And taking initiative when it comes to the kids.


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As Cadet said, we live in a no fault state.

I've pretty much found proof of an EA. Just need the guys name.


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I have another question. I do about 95% of the cooking in the house. And I usually make enough food for everyone. Lately, the W has made it a habit to avoid eating with us. She'll either eat while standing in the kitchen or wolf down her food as fast as she can and leave. She does this without even a "Thank you" or any other compliment.

Friends have told me to stop cooking for her and only make sure that I and the boys eat. Should I do that?


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Forget my last question. It is not in my character to behave that way.


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No problem Leon. I think it's up to you anyways - but I can't see anyone complaining "my H - he's terrible - cooks for me every night - just awful!"

Do what you think is right. If you're doubtful, you could always say - hey, I'm making fajitas for me and the kids - want some?


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Thanks, Toots. She usually agrees to eat whatever I am making.

Also, she forgot her phone at home this morning when she took the kids to school. I had about 20 minutes to check it and found nothing new other than one contact named Juan.


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How convenient.


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I have IC today so I'll ask her about it the cooking deal.


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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
How convenient.


I am thinking this Juan is the guy. Lots of circumstantial evidence, but hear me out.

He is listed as a suggested friend on the W's secret FB account. His FB page has very little information. It appears that he does have a kid though. And he has a friend that is listed as working at my W's job. And his picture looks a lot like the ones on her phone. Again, the pictures on the phone are not clear, but they do look a lot a like.

Must continue to gather evidence though. I got a gift this morning though.


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My IC suggested that I confront the W about her eating by using an "I" word. For example: "I feel unappreciated when you eat and don't even acknowledge that I cooked for you." If the W snaps at me and says "You don't have to cook for me", then I have my answer.

Last edited by Leon01; 02/18/15 09:41 PM.

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Mehhh-- that makes you sound needy, imho. I'd rather see you do a cheery (but get-the-point-across) "YOU'RE WELCOME!" the next time she eats and begins to leave the room without saying thank you.


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Ah, good point.


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I'm still torn if I should confront the W about the EA. I am thinking of asking again but not pointing out that I have been snooping. I am thinking of asking her if she is in love with someone else. And she questions me on it I will just point out what I have observed in her behavior. I will not point out how she has been protective of her phone, BUT I will ask her if I can see it. If she refuses, I'll then point it out and say that I have my answer.


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Oh and I am about 3/4ths through DB and DR will arrive on Monday. So I will post more once I am through those.


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Originally Posted By: Leon01
I'm still torn if I should confront the W about the EA. I am thinking of asking again but not pointing out that I have been snooping. I am thinking of asking her if she is in love with someone else. And she questions me on it I will just point out what I have observed in her behavior. I will not point out how she has been protective of her phone, BUT I will ask her if I can see it. If she refuses, I'll then point it out and say that I have my answer.


never, EVER ask. You either confront with a statement, if and when you have ROCK-SOLID evidence (and never EVER revealing the source of your intel!). You do this with a "I know all about you and ______, and it needs to stop. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and (if applicable) to our family" . . .

. . . or you say nothing, and continue to monitor the situation.

ASKING is NEEDY and ACCUSING, and besides, you also have the problem of all cheaters lie . . . PERIOD. So if you ask her if she's in contact with OM, and she's not, she'll say "No, I'm not." And if you ask her if she's in contact with OM, and she is, she'll say "No, I'm not."

Good luck with that.

If she asks you how you know, you say "That's not important, I just do, so please stop lying to me about it -- it's incredibly disrespectful."

If she asks you WHAT you know, you say "I know everything." This way, if she doesn't know what you do know and what you DON'T know, she'll have to assume you know everything. There is much power in that.

Make sense?


Starsky

Last edited by Starsky309; 02/20/15 06:42 PM.

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Originally Posted By: Starsky309


never, EVER ask. You either confront with a statement, if and when you have ROCK-SOLID evidence (and never EVER revealing the source of your intel!). You do this with a "I know all about you and ______, and it needs to stop. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and (if applicable) to our family" . . .

. . . or you say nothing, and continue to monitor the situation.
...
Make sense?


Starsky


Yes, sir.

I think this has a lot to do with my emotions being all over the place. I will continue the detective work.


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And please don't believe that just getting her to confess about OM ends it. If anything, it goes further with the announcement of how unhappy she has been for years, and bringing up all your faults.

You are not prepared to have such a conversation yet. She'll eat you alive.

Know what you are dealing with, and have a plan......before you see yourself pointing out certain things while confronting her.

First thing she'll do is catch you off guard, and then what? So, get a lot more DBing under your belt, first.


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Will do. And thanks.

I am still early in the process and i have to learn to practice patience.


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A few updates from the weekend:

She did go out with a female friend Friday night. She voluntarily told me where she was going. I was not up when she got home, but I could hear her in the house when I went to the restroom around 11:30p.

Did some GAL Saturday and Sunday: worked out, haircut, new clothes, fixed stuff around the house and cooked nice meals for the boys and I.

Another thing: she's dong my laundry again. Before, she'd just pile it in a corner. Not sure what that means. She's also starting to complain again (mostly kid stuff, but I am listening!).

I have about 20 pages left on DB and DR should arrive today. I do have a statement about 180's though: one of my good friends mentioned that I used to spend a lot of time at the gym. And this is true, I used to workout 7 days a week for about two hours a pop. He said that my W may feel overwhelmed because with her new job she is having to get home and get the kids off to school. So, as I mentioned in the first thread, I have cut back on my morning workouts so that I can get home and help get the kids ready. IIRC, the DB book states that a 180 is something you do different that gets a positive response from your partner. Even though she doesn't say it, I can see that she appreciates that I am doing this. Same goes with the cooking that was stated earlier in the thread.

Still doing the detective work and logging as well. Nothing new to report on that front.

And as per Sandi2's advice, I have been making myself scarce in the evenings when she prepares for work. It is helping me detach.

Last edited by Leon01; 02/23/15 04:20 PM.

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When i got home this evening the W was up cleaning and helping the boys with homework. While I don't think this is the fog clearing, maybe she's at a thin spot?

DR did not arrive today...

Last edited by Leon01; 02/23/15 11:28 PM.

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Odd change tonight at dinner. She waited until we had all eaten and then asked if she could have whatever we were not going to eat. I let her. She then complimented the meal. I still excused myself before she left though. I bet we will have many ups (and downs) through this process.


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Originally Posted By: sandi2
I lean toward Robx'sattitude of "Yeah well this sure isn't working for me!". It tends to take a lot of wind out of the sail of the WAW. It is not always best that she knows every feeling you have or what you may decide. I really believe the WW should have concerns about her H and he should not continue to give her assurances while she is in that mindset.


I have seen a few references to him on this site and there is a rob_x I see on a different forum (MB). Is he still active here? Is there a way to access his old comments/threads there. Searching only seems find a few newer references.


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From my personal archives; you can follow the second link:



"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"



1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.


2. Do either:


2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)

Allen A's Posts

; or


2b. "Set Them Free" (Robx/Gucci approach)

"Setting Them Free"


Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.

Puppy


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Thanks Starsky.

Divorce Remedy arrived today (finally). So I am going to take some time off to read and digest that.


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Excellent. You'll see that MWD's approach is much closer to RobX's "let them go" than it is to Allen's "affair-busting" methods. DB/DR is all about working on yourself. Where RobX differs is that he advises the betrayed spouse to COMPLETELY stop fighting for the cheating spouse -- just the "Hey, I realize now that I deserve better, this isn't working for me" speech and tack. MWD advises to experiment with little forms of pursuit and monitor what the wayward spouse is receptive to.


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More downs yesterday.

I was talking to a friend who was upset because one of the kids he coaches was arrested this past weekend. He wrapped up the conversation with "the kid hasn't been the same since his parents divorced." Ouch. That got me down.

And secondly, I found an unsigned Valentines Day card in the W's room. The front message: "I'm giving you my heart for Valentines Day". And inside: "But if you want to play with the package it comes in, that's OK too!" It looks like she bought it (it was still in the bag) but since it is almost two weeks after V-day maybe she had second thoughts about giving it to the guy.

For some reason, that didn't bother me as much as the first story (about the kid). Is this detaching?

Last edited by Leon01; 02/25/15 03:04 PM.

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On the up side I had another good IC session last night. The counselor said that I am making great progress (even though my posts don't show it). I'll probably start going every other week now.

And I got a great workout this morning. I'm back up to benching 225. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. I'm going do longer treadmill runs on weekends until its warm enough for outside runs. I'm eating much better as well.


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That's great to hear, Leon!

Taking a break from the forum is something I frequently recommend. And when you do come back, go back and re-read everything that everyone has posted to you. Sometimes getting "a fresh set of eyes" on it can reveal some new perspectives.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
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Thanks Starsky. I will try to spend the next week or two reading DR and coming up with a plan. I still may post from time to time if there are any updates to my sitch.

And I will be lurking here as well. There's lots of advice in these threads.


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Umm.....wow.....

So, I guess your going to pursue D? A couple things. Spend a lot of time thinking about your kids. You're new here and I can tell you the first thing I thought was I was going for full custody. Wife just up and abandoned us. Then as I calmed down I realized that wasn't what was best for them. So I started to lighten up. Then I heard a story from a guy at work that ended up getting a restraining order on his wife for him, but the judge wouldn't grant him custody. Then he got an order between his wife and their one kid. Judge gave temporary custody, but only till wife could go through AA and rehab. The short of it is custody battles are hard, ugly, expensive and unfair. We've all been wronged to a degree that is unfathomable, but need our heads to clear from our fog to truly figure out what's best for our kids.

Get the other stuff straight, but remember it's just that....stuff and money....your kids need you right now. Make them your priority.

Best of luck for calmer waters.


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Thanks, MCS.

The arresting officer called me again last night and explained everything to me. I can do a restraining order where she is allowed in the house, but she has to behave. No swearing, threats, property damage, or violence. So I am going to do that today.

I am still not sure if I am going to pursue the D or not. I think when the W gets home (it's Saturday night, not Sunday) we will sit down and have a talk. Right now, my thinking is to still let her file first.

FWIW, Sandi2's 37 rules were working. Part of the "discussion" last night was that how my behavior had been different.

And yes, the kids come first. We sat and talked for about an hour last night. I called my boss and he gave me a half day today and tomorrow off. So I am going to get them off to school here shortly. We have activities planned all weekend.

Last edited by Leon01; 02/26/15 12:26 PM.

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How are things going, Leon?


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The judge approved the restraining order after about a minute of testimony. She was still in jail when it was approved, so they were able to serve her there. Met with the school principal and gave her a copy as well.

I also opened a new checking account and moved most of my money there.

The W still cannot come to the house until tonight. But I don't think she will come home until tomorrow.

I have decided that i am going to continue DB'ing. Had some fun activities ith the boys this weekend. Took them to their favorite restaurant and bowling yesterday. And we have a birthday party tonight.

S9 is also eating better, which is good.

Most people that i told said that i did the right thing in calling the cops. And personally, i had to draw the line somewhere. If convicted, the offenses are on her record permanently.


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Sorry things turned out this way, Leon. Are you going to spend any time with her under the same roof? Has she ever shown violence in the past?


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Sanid2,

I am not sure if we will live together, it is up to her. The "cool off" period has ended and she hasn't returned home yet. And I am starting to think that she isn't.

And yes, she has shown violence in the past. There was an incident years ago with S12. In hindsight, I wish I would have reported that one as well.

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Quick Update: The W came home last night. Nothing really has changed. Well, she is being nice now.

Last edited by Leon01; 03/03/15 07:09 PM.

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Any more incidents?


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Sandi2,

No new incidents. She's been a model citizen so far. From what i have been hearing, the case will go on for a while.


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Thought I'd post an update.

The W and I had a long talk about our sitch. She is facing two battery charges for attacking me. In this state, once charges are filed they cannot be dropped, so the county prosecutor is taking over. I told her that I do plan to testify if subpoenaed. She didn't like that. But as I said in Sandi2's thread, I am doing it for the following reasons:

1. I have to draw the line somewhere. Hitting is NEVER OK in my opinion.
2. I feel that if i let this go she will continue walking over me.
3. I am showing her "tough love".

The irony here is that she started using the same types of reasoning that I used right after the BD. "What about the kids?" "How can you do this to me?". She has also sent several text messages as well.

She swore that she was not involved in an A and that the picture(s) on her phone were that of a guy she has a crush on. She still didn't explain the card I found, but I didn't bring it up. She did say that the Latino guys from her office all hit on her, which gives her an ego boost. So that could explain why she dresses up nice for work.

I did meet with another attorney last week. I did screw up and I told the W what I was doing (we were trying to work out logistics for the kids). She immediately told me that she hadn't filed anything yet. I told her that I wasn't planning on filing anything either, but I was just going to get information.

She did call me out on moving my money to another account. She said she was going to do the same. I told her to go ahead. And we are also going to get separate cell phone plans (her idea).

As far as changes in the W: She has been more helpful with the kids. Her and S9 did a school project together last weekend. And she doesn't seem to get irritated when they ask her for stuff. She is less secretive with her phone as well. I'm not checking it anymore, but I do see it laying around when she is showering or otherwise occupied. And she spends less time in her room.

She is still dressing up nice for work. But she did say she plans on quitting that job.

I have also stopped bending over backwards with the housework. I do make sure the boys have everything they need. But I am not going out of my way to appease her as far as that goes.

I have really been bonding with S9 throughout all of this. I have come to realize that we have a lot in common and it has really brought us closer. I think he is really struggling with this and our bonding is helping him as well. S12 is different though, he is more reclusive and doesn't talk much. And I think he is starting to enter that phase in his life when he is wanting independence. However, both of them said they want to do more outdoor things this summer. So I am planning some stuff for us.

Now that it is getting warmer I am going to start training for the half marathon. Ran three miles yesterday.


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Leon, I think it is very important, as the leader and protector of your family, you set a hard boundary about any violence in your home.

Boundary: "I will not have my children afraid of violence in their own home. If any violent incident occurs, I will call the authorities and do what must be done to protect my family. If the mother of my children reacts in violence toward another family member in my house, she will be expected to find other living arrangements thereafter".

By you calling the police the last time, she should know you mean business. She is being careful right now, b/c she knows she is under scrutiny.

She may try to make you feel guilty for "doing this to her" or make you feel sorry for her. Those two things are tools the WW uses most on the LBH. Stand firm, and don't back down. I believe if you ever back down, she will get much worse.

I feel complimented that you asked for my advice about testifying against your W, however, I have to tell you to follow your lawyer's advice. It could turn her around or cause her to be more angry than ever toward you. IMO, the status of the M comes second to the issue of safety in your household. At this point, your main objective is to do what is necessary to secure the protection of the kids. You would like to think she would never do anything out of anger toward one of them, but under the circumstances, how can you know?


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Originally Posted By: sandi2
By you calling the police the last time, she should know you mean business. She is being careful right now, b/c she knows she is under scrutiny.

...

Stand firm, and don't back down. I believe if you ever back down, she will get much worse.

The cop said something similar to this as well.
Originally Posted By: sandi2

I feel complimented that you asked for my advice about testifying against your W, however, I have to tell you to follow your lawyer's advice. It could turn her around or cause her to be more angry than ever toward you. IMO, the status of the M comes second to the issue of safety in your household. At this point, your main objective is to do what is necessary to secure the protection of the kids. You would like to think she would never do anything out of anger toward one of them, but under the circumstances, how can you know?


I find a lot of your advice very helpful (and VERY MUCH appreciated). Even in threads that are not related to my sitch. I'm sure others on this board feel the same way.

The lawyer advised me to show up in court on every court date and be ready to testify.

Thanks again for your advice.


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Got a text from the W earlier stating that she doesn't want separate cell plans. My response was "OK", but the more I think about it, I want my own plan.

I think she was definitely testing me.


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It's been over a week so I thought I'd post an update.

The first court appearance for the restraining order was last week. It was only extended for a few weeks. The court appearance for the battery charges are coming up as well. I should also apologize for my poor reading comprehension. The only court dates so far are for the battery/restraining order. So my questions regarding court are only about those cases. No one has filed for D yet. I did find an attorney that I will retain when that time comes though.

As far as where I am at mentally/emotionally: I am getting to the point where I am letting her go. I'm no longer concerned about how she will react to what I do. And I don't agonize or analyze her actions either.

Physically speaking, my weight is still down but I am eating much better now. I'd like to gain another 15 pounds or so. But I am still exercising and going to boxing class. I am still running too. I'm up to 4 miles at a 9 min/mile pace, so that is good.

I did close all joint credit cards we share and I gave her a months' heads up that we will be switching to separate cell phone plans (thanks, sandi2). We are going to set up a time this weekend to figure out how we will handle the bills moving forward as well.

This morning we had another conversation. She said that she didn't understand how I was doing this to her (the battery charges). She said that she "stood by me" for all these years with all of my issues and didn't think it was fair for me to not stand by her now. I almost laughed. I just told her that she is NOT standing by me and I am doing what is best to protect myself and my kids.

Then the big one came: "So do you want me to stay?" My response: "I don't know after all this." And left it at that.

I started reading DR. But to be honest, I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. Or at least applying some of the strategies to my current sitch. Maybe I will finish it and continue to work on me for my next relationship.


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Quote:
Then the big one came: "So do you want me to stay?" My response: "I don't know after all this." And left it at that.


Excellent answer.


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We had another talk last night. She now wants our current living situation to continue indefinitely, even after the divorce.

This time I did laugh. I told her that there is no way I can continue living like this. I said that eventually I will start dating again and us living together is going to complicate things.

I should also add that I had a bit of an epiphany last week. I went in for a dental cleaning and the hygienist was hitting on me. She was very attractive (think Rashida Jones), and it was quite the ego boost I needed. As I was driving home it hit me: Why am I agonizing over being with someone who doesn't want to be with me?

With that in mind and re-reading (and re-reading) Sandi2's "Newcomer LBH" thread only solidified my answer to her question about her planned living arrangement.

Last edited by Leon01; 03/19/15 03:09 PM.

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Thought I'd post another update.

I asked the W to move out again and again she refused. She still wants to remain in the house as roommates.

We have agreed to split all bills based on our respective salaries. I know I shouldn't have, but I suggested we split the cell bill 50-50 instead of getting separate plans. She wasn't happy about that, but she did agree.

My IC thinks that i haven't fully detached yet, but she thinks I'm better emotionally.

I have still been going to boxing class and doing stuff with the boys.

The battery case is still pending. I won't post anything on that until it is over.


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Leon01 Offline OP
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Another update:

Had a discussion with the W last night. It started with the bills, but soon turned into a discussion about how I have been excluding her from dinner plans and not cooking for her. She cried, but I think she was just being manipulative. I just kept my cool about it.

I also asked what was her plan. She didn't have one. So I'm torn. I am thinking of filing myself if she doesn't. And I'm thinking by the end of the year.

Back to me...Random stuff...

I have my half marathon in about a month. I've been running, but not as much as I should be. Ran 8 miles Sunday.

And I have boxing class again tonight as well.

Now that it is nice out I have been taking the boys bike riding. We have lots of trails around so they enjoy venturing out.

S9 really enjoys meal planning and cooking with me when he's allowed to. (I don't let him handle raw chicken). I can tell how important it makes him feel to be involved with that. Cooking appears to be his passion as well.


life is too short....
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Leon01 Offline OP
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I just want to say that I admire each and every one of you for standing up and fighting for your marriages. The seniors and others who actually saved their marriages are like super heroes to me.

With that said, I just can't take it any more. The lies, the disrespect, the bizarre behavior, her neglecting the kids, me being blamed for everything. And now, being accused of everything (even attempted murder). Her behavior has gotten MUCH worse.

I'm done.

It got to the point about a week ago that I was wanting to move out ASAP.

For months I've been afraid. Afraid of being single. Afraid I'd be one of those guys that troll night clubs with the hope that some female, *any* female would give him any attention. You know what? I'm not afraid anymore. I would rather be one of those guys than to have to put up with this. No one, I repeat NO ONE, deserves to be treated like this.

I'm young (40 is considered still young, right?). I'm in decent shape. I'm educated. I'll find someone. Besides, I have my boys to focus on now anyway. Dating? As Sweet Brown would say: "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I've hired an attorney and filed for divorce today. I am going to sue for sole custody of our kids. I've filled out the forms for the bank for a short sale on the house, she says she won't sign them. But I think a judge will force her to.

I'll remain active on this site. Maybe I'll be an example of what NOT to do when your SO drops the bomb.

And thanks to the admin for removing the post about the "incident". The trial is coming up soon and I'll post more about that when it is done.


life is too short....
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Leon01 Offline OP
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It's been 2 months since my last post so I figure I'd bring everyone (those that have been following) up to speed.

The divorce is still in progress. The W got very upset when she was served. I don't know why, this is what she wanted. We are done with mediation and decided on joint custody, but the boys will sleep at my place most of the time. She gets them every other weekend and we split the holidays. My boss said that he'd work with my schedule if needed as well, so that helps.

I've done some repairs around the house to try to get it ready for sale. I have also spoken to a few real estate agents. They all agree that it helps to fix things up even if we are short selling. I have also been checking out apartments in the area. Prices aren't too bad. The credit hit with the divorce and short selling is going to put me out of the home buying market for a while.

As far as the W goes, we pretty much don't speak unless absolutely necessary, which is fine by me. I got the boys a cell phone to share so I can call them directly if I need anything, and vice versa.

Getting back to me: Yes I am still working on myself and still seeing my IC (once a month now). She's been extremely helpful through all of this. And I will probably have my youngest see a counselor when this is done. I'm still working out and going to boxing class. I ran my half marathon and finished in 2:08. I have gained most of the weight back as well.

***I am not sure if the following violates any of the posting or DB rules. Admins, please delete and accept my apologies if it does.***

I did tell a few people at my gym about my impending divorce and the rumor must have spread. That said, I have been on a couple of dates. Mainly just meeting for a drink or meeting for a run. But I do have a second date with someone I met through a friend this Friday. Again, nothing serious, just meeting for drinks. There is also another lady that I text with every day.


life is too short....
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