By you calling the police the last time, she should know you mean business. She is being careful right now, b/c she knows she is under scrutiny.
...
Stand firm, and don't back down. I believe if you ever back down, she will get much worse.
The cop said something similar to this as well.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I feel complimented that you asked for my advice about testifying against your W, however, I have to tell you to follow your lawyer's advice. It could turn her around or cause her to be more angry than ever toward you. IMO, the status of the M comes second to the issue of safety in your household. At this point, your main objective is to do what is necessary to secure the protection of the kids. You would like to think she would never do anything out of anger toward one of them, but under the circumstances, how can you know?
I find a lot of your advice very helpful (and VERY MUCH appreciated). Even in threads that are not related to my sitch. I'm sure others on this board feel the same way.
The lawyer advised me to show up in court on every court date and be ready to testify.
Got a text from the W earlier stating that she doesn't want separate cell plans. My response was "OK", but the more I think about it, I want my own plan.
It's been over a week so I thought I'd post an update.
The first court appearance for the restraining order was last week. It was only extended for a few weeks. The court appearance for the battery charges are coming up as well. I should also apologize for my poor reading comprehension. The only court dates so far are for the battery/restraining order. So my questions regarding court are only about those cases. No one has filed for D yet. I did find an attorney that I will retain when that time comes though.
As far as where I am at mentally/emotionally: I am getting to the point where I am letting her go. I'm no longer concerned about how she will react to what I do. And I don't agonize or analyze her actions either.
Physically speaking, my weight is still down but I am eating much better now. I'd like to gain another 15 pounds or so. But I am still exercising and going to boxing class. I am still running too. I'm up to 4 miles at a 9 min/mile pace, so that is good.
I did close all joint credit cards we share and I gave her a months' heads up that we will be switching to separate cell phone plans (thanks, sandi2). We are going to set up a time this weekend to figure out how we will handle the bills moving forward as well.
This morning we had another conversation. She said that she didn't understand how I was doing this to her (the battery charges). She said that she "stood by me" for all these years with all of my issues and didn't think it was fair for me to not stand by her now. I almost laughed. I just told her that she is NOT standing by me and I am doing what is best to protect myself and my kids.
Then the big one came: "So do you want me to stay?" My response: "I don't know after all this." And left it at that.
I started reading DR. But to be honest, I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. Or at least applying some of the strategies to my current sitch. Maybe I will finish it and continue to work on me for my next relationship.
We had another talk last night. She now wants our current living situation to continue indefinitely, even after the divorce.
This time I did laugh. I told her that there is no way I can continue living like this. I said that eventually I will start dating again and us living together is going to complicate things.
I should also add that I had a bit of an epiphany last week. I went in for a dental cleaning and the hygienist was hitting on me. She was very attractive (think Rashida Jones), and it was quite the ego boost I needed. As I was driving home it hit me: Why am I agonizing over being with someone who doesn't want to be with me?
With that in mind and re-reading (and re-reading) Sandi2's "Newcomer LBH" thread only solidified my answer to her question about her planned living arrangement.
I asked the W to move out again and again she refused. She still wants to remain in the house as roommates.
We have agreed to split all bills based on our respective salaries. I know I shouldn't have, but I suggested we split the cell bill 50-50 instead of getting separate plans. She wasn't happy about that, but she did agree.
My IC thinks that i haven't fully detached yet, but she thinks I'm better emotionally.
I have still been going to boxing class and doing stuff with the boys.
The battery case is still pending. I won't post anything on that until it is over.
Had a discussion with the W last night. It started with the bills, but soon turned into a discussion about how I have been excluding her from dinner plans and not cooking for her. She cried, but I think she was just being manipulative. I just kept my cool about it.
I also asked what was her plan. She didn't have one. So I'm torn. I am thinking of filing myself if she doesn't. And I'm thinking by the end of the year.
Back to me...Random stuff...
I have my half marathon in about a month. I've been running, but not as much as I should be. Ran 8 miles Sunday.
And I have boxing class again tonight as well.
Now that it is nice out I have been taking the boys bike riding. We have lots of trails around so they enjoy venturing out.
S9 really enjoys meal planning and cooking with me when he's allowed to. (I don't let him handle raw chicken). I can tell how important it makes him feel to be involved with that. Cooking appears to be his passion as well.
I just want to say that I admire each and every one of you for standing up and fighting for your marriages. The seniors and others who actually saved their marriages are like super heroes to me.
With that said, I just can't take it any more. The lies, the disrespect, the bizarre behavior, her neglecting the kids, me being blamed for everything. And now, being accused of everything (even attempted murder). Her behavior has gotten MUCH worse.
I'm done.
It got to the point about a week ago that I was wanting to move out ASAP.
For months I've been afraid. Afraid of being single. Afraid I'd be one of those guys that troll night clubs with the hope that some female, *any* female would give him any attention. You know what? I'm not afraid anymore. I would rather be one of those guys than to have to put up with this. No one, I repeat NO ONE, deserves to be treated like this.
I'm young (40 is considered still young, right?). I'm in decent shape. I'm educated. I'll find someone. Besides, I have my boys to focus on now anyway. Dating? As Sweet Brown would say: "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
I've hired an attorney and filed for divorce today. I am going to sue for sole custody of our kids. I've filled out the forms for the bank for a short sale on the house, she says she won't sign them. But I think a judge will force her to.
I'll remain active on this site. Maybe I'll be an example of what NOT to do when your SO drops the bomb.
And thanks to the admin for removing the post about the "incident". The trial is coming up soon and I'll post more about that when it is done.
It's been 2 months since my last post so I figure I'd bring everyone (those that have been following) up to speed.
The divorce is still in progress. The W got very upset when she was served. I don't know why, this is what she wanted. We are done with mediation and decided on joint custody, but the boys will sleep at my place most of the time. She gets them every other weekend and we split the holidays. My boss said that he'd work with my schedule if needed as well, so that helps.
I've done some repairs around the house to try to get it ready for sale. I have also spoken to a few real estate agents. They all agree that it helps to fix things up even if we are short selling. I have also been checking out apartments in the area. Prices aren't too bad. The credit hit with the divorce and short selling is going to put me out of the home buying market for a while.
As far as the W goes, we pretty much don't speak unless absolutely necessary, which is fine by me. I got the boys a cell phone to share so I can call them directly if I need anything, and vice versa.
Getting back to me: Yes I am still working on myself and still seeing my IC (once a month now). She's been extremely helpful through all of this. And I will probably have my youngest see a counselor when this is done. I'm still working out and going to boxing class. I ran my half marathon and finished in 2:08. I have gained most of the weight back as well.
***I am not sure if the following violates any of the posting or DB rules. Admins, please delete and accept my apologies if it does.***
I did tell a few people at my gym about my impending divorce and the rumor must have spread. That said, I have been on a couple of dates. Mainly just meeting for a drink or meeting for a run. But I do have a second date with someone I met through a friend this Friday. Again, nothing serious, just meeting for drinks. There is also another lady that I text with every day.
