The arresting officer called me again last night and explained everything to me. I can do a restraining order where she is allowed in the house, but she has to behave. No swearing, threats, property damage, or violence. So I am going to do that today.
I am still not sure if I am going to pursue the D or not. I think when the W gets home (it's Saturday night, not Sunday) we will sit down and have a talk. Right now, my thinking is to still let her file first.
FWIW, Sandi2's 37 rules were working. Part of the "discussion" last night was that how my behavior had been different.
And yes, the kids come first. We sat and talked for about an hour last night. I called my boss and he gave me a half day today and tomorrow off. So I am going to get them off to school here shortly. We have activities planned all weekend.
The judge approved the restraining order after about a minute of testimony. She was still in jail when it was approved, so they were able to serve her there. Met with the school principal and gave her a copy as well.
I also opened a new checking account and moved most of my money there.
The W still cannot come to the house until tonight. But I don't think she will come home until tomorrow.
I have decided that i am going to continue DB'ing. Had some fun activities ith the boys this weekend. Took them to their favorite restaurant and bowling yesterday. And we have a birthday party tonight.
S9 is also eating better, which is good.
Most people that i told said that i did the right thing in calling the cops. And personally, i had to draw the line somewhere. If convicted, the offenses are on her record permanently.
I am not sure if we will live together, it is up to her. The "cool off" period has ended and she hasn't returned home yet. And I am starting to think that she isn't.
And yes, she has shown violence in the past. There was an incident years ago with S12. In hindsight, I wish I would have reported that one as well.
The W and I had a long talk about our sitch. She is facing two battery charges for attacking me. In this state, once charges are filed they cannot be dropped, so the county prosecutor is taking over. I told her that I do plan to testify if subpoenaed. She didn't like that. But as I said in Sandi2's thread, I am doing it for the following reasons:
1. I have to draw the line somewhere. Hitting is NEVER OK in my opinion. 2. I feel that if i let this go she will continue walking over me. 3. I am showing her "tough love".
The irony here is that she started using the same types of reasoning that I used right after the BD. "What about the kids?" "How can you do this to me?". She has also sent several text messages as well.
She swore that she was not involved in an A and that the picture(s) on her phone were that of a guy she has a crush on. She still didn't explain the card I found, but I didn't bring it up. She did say that the Latino guys from her office all hit on her, which gives her an ego boost. So that could explain why she dresses up nice for work.
I did meet with another attorney last week. I did screw up and I told the W what I was doing (we were trying to work out logistics for the kids). She immediately told me that she hadn't filed anything yet. I told her that I wasn't planning on filing anything either, but I was just going to get information.
She did call me out on moving my money to another account. She said she was going to do the same. I told her to go ahead. And we are also going to get separate cell phone plans (her idea).
As far as changes in the W: She has been more helpful with the kids. Her and S9 did a school project together last weekend. And she doesn't seem to get irritated when they ask her for stuff. She is less secretive with her phone as well. I'm not checking it anymore, but I do see it laying around when she is showering or otherwise occupied. And she spends less time in her room.
She is still dressing up nice for work. But she did say she plans on quitting that job.
I have also stopped bending over backwards with the housework. I do make sure the boys have everything they need. But I am not going out of my way to appease her as far as that goes.
I have really been bonding with S9 throughout all of this. I have come to realize that we have a lot in common and it has really brought us closer. I think he is really struggling with this and our bonding is helping him as well. S12 is different though, he is more reclusive and doesn't talk much. And I think he is starting to enter that phase in his life when he is wanting independence. However, both of them said they want to do more outdoor things this summer. So I am planning some stuff for us.
Now that it is getting warmer I am going to start training for the half marathon. Ran three miles yesterday.
Leon, I think it is very important, as the leader and protector of your family, you set a hard boundary about any violence in your home.
Boundary: "I will not have my children afraid of violence in their own home. If any violent incident occurs, I will call the authorities and do what must be done to protect my family. If the mother of my children reacts in violence toward another family member in my house, she will be expected to find other living arrangements thereafter".
By you calling the police the last time, she should know you mean business. She is being careful right now, b/c she knows she is under scrutiny.
She may try to make you feel guilty for "doing this to her" or make you feel sorry for her. Those two things are tools the WW uses most on the LBH. Stand firm, and don't back down. I believe if you ever back down, she will get much worse.
I feel complimented that you asked for my advice about testifying against your W, however, I have to tell you to follow your lawyer's advice. It could turn her around or cause her to be more angry than ever toward you. IMO, the status of the M comes second to the issue of safety in your household. At this point, your main objective is to do what is necessary to secure the protection of the kids. You would like to think she would never do anything out of anger toward one of them, but under the circumstances, how can you know?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
