I underestimated how hard it would BE to become what I envisioned. Doesn't mean I have regrets or won't get there, I just made the faulty assumption that following my vision/my purpose meant it would be easy sailing.
For years and years, decades, I prayed for something more than the life I had with Smokey. I prayed and envisioned the car I'm driving now...literally, envisioned myself sitting in a car of the same color with the same interior...it's eerie how close this vehicle is to what I imagined. I envisioned myself living somewhere like I live with mountain views...I prayed to be unhitched from someone who was content with a much different life than what I wanted.
I remember writing in journals, years ago, praying for the salary I have now. Praying hard for the things I have now.
What I didn't prepare myself for...the challenge of becoming the person I envisioned. Because it means letting go of old habits and ingrained beliefs. It's a process.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
In order to attain what I envisioned...in order to become the person I have always had this sense I could become...I have to face my fears, confront my imperfections and plod on with tenacity. I have to move outside my comfort zone to open this mystery of who I am capable of being. No matter how scary and I have to trust, have faith, that it will be worth it.
If I can do it, anyone can do it.
Transfigure yourself. Keep climbing the mountain, over the boulders, past the cold, the loneliness, the storms, the mistakes, the fear of what's ahead...keep going. The view is spectacular. But, prepare yourself that it won't look the way you think.
I am the same I was 3 years ago, but not. I am becoming the person I was meant to be. I'm still wrestling with where I came from, I'm still wrestling with the change and adjustment...I'm definitely out of the valley now. I'm on the mountain. Climbing out of the valley was much, much, much harder than I ever anticipated. But, it's how I know how tough I am today. And, I would have died had I been dropped from valley onto the top of the mountain. I wouldn't have been able to handle such a quick transformation. I needed each one of these painful, lonely, difficult steps to get to the top.
I'm not there yet, but, it's within sight.
Have faith. Fill your head with positive messages each day to drown out the negative. Gradually, it all comes together.
Last edited by LoisB; 02/22/1503:29 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Believing I deserve it. I HAVE to get past the idea that I DON'T deserve good things in life...that I'm somehow inherently flawed because of the abandonment I've experienced.
I think I sabotage my blessings, often, because I don't believe I'm worthy of the good things in life. I believe I deserve the bad stuff.
Time to move past that. It may mean surrounding myself with people who believe I deserve good things and letting go of people who don't.
Just thinking out loud today...pondering things I've learned in the past few weeks and months.
How do you convince yourself you are worth it when you have deeply-rooted experiences which show you the opposite?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Beautiful posts. I can see you are taking some time to really look at how far you've come and what you have to offer. Your posts above are inspirational and absolutely true!
As far as the last post, I offer no insight. I am struggling with the same thing. But, with the awareness in which you have gained, I think you will find the answers. You have the capacity to over come that, I have no doubt.
Most of the messes in my life, especially financial, are self-imposed.
A big part of this move to N.Y. was about embracing what I deserve in life...just like everyone else.
But, something in me feels at home when I'm under fire.
When Wonka and Job were calling me on the carpet for my performance at work...I was horrified and satisfied at the same time. I could hear my dad saying--"See, I told you she couldn't pull this off"...that's what he said before I moved. I could hear Smokey and my mother saying, "See...told ya."
I feel this internal struggle between being what I see for myself and what I've always been told I was...or maybe what I wrongly imagined people were saying? IDK.
I do know there's a very small child who cries for her mother every night when I fall asleep. I hear her crying and looking for the safest place to run to. Sometimes, actually most nights, I hear her saying, "I'm going to run really fast and hard away from here."
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Every night, for as long as I can remember, I've listened to that child cry for her mother each night and, then, she runs. Fast and hard from whatever is frightening her at the moment...usually as some mess she feels responsible for creating. Because she is, in her eyes, responsible for it all...all the bad. Then, she deserves only bad in return.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Throw out the old tape and get a new tape. The old tape wasn't working for you at all. All of that recording is your FOO. Take what worked for you and discard the rest that aren't good for you or doesn't resonate with you any longer.
We grow up with each new challenges that life throws at us. We evolve or devolve. It is HOW we all rise and meet those challenges that is the making of US.
It is all a choice we make each and every day. No outside forces conspiring against us. We are each the painter of our own lives. We determine what we allow on the canvas and where we channel our focus on.
Like attracts like. I am a big believer of this philosophy. Just take a look around you. You see druggies hang around with other druggies. You see Scrabble buffs hang around with other Scrabble buffs. You get the idea.
What do you want your life to look like it? You visualize it and CREATE it.
I've done a new experiment myself all this week and I am quite surprised at how it has impacted me. Each night before going to bed, I tell myself this affirmation:
"I am inspired. I am energized. I am motivated"
Guess what? When I wake up each morning, I actually feel energized and motivated.
Your subconscious mind receives those messages and believes it to be true.
I think we all have a lifetime of messages, good and bad, running through our heads and it takes a lot of work to get to a point where the good outweigh the bad.
I believe, for me, good and evil exist in this world and each day we are tempted by evil. WE HAVE THE CHOICE...mind you...but, we have to CHOOSE GOOD over EVIL. And, Evil can sound very tempting and tantalizing and easy over good.
When an alcoholic is faced with the decision to drink, they must choose to ignore those negative messages saying---with every possible cunning and baffling message..."DRINK. You deserve it."
If it was as easy as Just Say No, then there wouldn't be adultery, alcoholism and poverty...
I'm not blaming the Devil for my problems. I own them...But, I also respect that nothing happens in a vacuum. There's a reason I struggle in the areas I struggle.
Everyone has a battle to fight each day. I wish a nightly affirmation was enough to make the decades of poverty and drug addiction and emotional abuse go away...It's not. It takes action and a fierce vigilance, for me, to fight off the negative messages each and every day.
I've learned over time...that filling my head with overwhelming positive messages leads to progress for me. Sometimes slowly, but still progress.
In my experience, many of life's problems don't have cut and dried answers...as much as we'd like to just "fix it." f
Life can be very difficult and wear you down. And, often, dark forces ARE at work to make things worse. If this wasn't the case, then my daughter would deserve to have a developmental disability, I would deserve a husband who left me for someone else and a whole slew of things would be MY fault. I'm not that powerful.
I'm like everyone else. I have good things and bad things happen each day and I have to make the conscious effort to choose to see the good over the evil.
I'm the kind of person who needs to digest the information, fill my head with words of love and acceptance and then trudge forward.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The choice is yours. No pretend "Devil" or "negative" or "evil" outside forces.
It comes down to WHO you want to surround yourself with in your life.
In my life, I pick friends who are supportive, positive and nourishing.
As for family, I manage them because I manage my own expectations. The only 'problem' person in my family is my own stepmother who has issues as long as the Nile. I don't hold it against her nor do I judge her for those issues. I just simply keep her at arm's length and interact with her for few days. Four days is my max with my stepmother.
Mind you, I have a very loving and supportive family.
There are always at least one or two family members that are off kilter. It is just the way it is.
I don't try to change my stepmother but show her the way to forgiveness by example. She's even come to me and asked how I do it.
Blaming things on the "Devil" and "evil" forces just rubs me the wrong way for it tells me that people have NO CONTROL over their own choices.
Oh yeah...people have issues. It all comes down to choices. I have read and heard about people staying clean. Because they WANT to. One of my late great-uncles just simply quit drinking one day---cold turkey. Hadn't had a drop of it for 30 years until he passed on.
Choices, my friend. The choices you make today influence your future.
LoisB (Heather) & Wonka - I think you are more in agreement than you realize. You are both in agreement about making choices but it reads as if you are unsure about how much to attribute to factors out of our control.
Wonka you seem to totally embrace the philosophy that while we can't control what happens to us but one can ALWAYS control how we react.
Heather you seem to believe more like the old "Star Wars theory of life" AKA you must be aware of the dark side or you will never become a Jedi.
My observation is that right now Wonka wants you to embrace your inner Princess Leai(so?) because you are spending entirely too much time being Luke Skywalker before he met Yoda.
Heather be the Princess. Embrace the Princess and quit thinking like Luke before Yoda. In with the new and out with the old.
i think you are splitting hairs when the message is the same. Wonka you are just a Jedi master and Heather can't process the force as quickly as you.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
