I think you need to be careful not to let her cake eat. You don't want to fall into the friends role and you don't want her to think that you're still there waiting. Remember at some level she has to miss you to come back and the first step in that is realizing that she might actually lose you. I am not sure that initiating friendly exchanges helps to get that point across.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
I am not sure that initiating friendly exchanges helps to get that point across.
I totally agree. But it was ONE. What I'm trying to encourage here is for Rys to begin to trust some of his own DBing instincts, and not get so hung up on the tactical stuff that he loses his overall "mojo." Sort of a "Hey, wife -- it's a pic of the cat, it's not all about you, get over yourself, babe" sorta thing.
Make sense? But absolutely agree with the "I won't be friends with you as long as you are with another man" and "I won't just sit here and wait forever for you to decide," ab-so-damned-lutely.
It totally makes sense and I don't necessarily see anything wrong with the single exchange either. Just wanted to give him a word of caution to continue to think about the larger goal (detaching).
Also - Rys please make sure you think really hard about your motives when you do something like this. I personally made a lot of excuses to contact my W when really, I was looking for her to say something nice that I would then frantically look for deeper meaning to. Be a little hard on yourself when you get the urge and make sure your motives truly lead towards detaching, or at the very least, don't adversely affect it.
Make sense?
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
It totally makes sense and I don't necessarily see anything wrong with the single exchange either. Just wanted to give him a word of caution to continue to think about the larger goal (detaching).
I think you need to be careful not to let her cake eat. You don't want to fall into the friends role and you don't want her to think that you're still there waiting. Remember at some level she has to miss you to come back and the first step in that is realizing that she might actually lose you. I am not sure that initiating friendly exchanges helps to get that point across.
She cant "lose" you unless she does lose you. If she has an OM, you have every right to be done with her and you should.
It's like a girlfriend chose another guy over you, but will let you come over and change her oil or move furniture around and that OM only has to seduce her and have fun with her.
She knows you will be always around, but doesn't love you like that anymore.
Please do not wait on her crumbs. As long as their is an OM involve, you are not important enough to her.
It totally makes sense and I don't necessarily see anything wrong with the single exchange either. Just wanted to give him a word of caution to continue to think about the larger goal (detaching).
Agree.
I wouldn't give her nugglets of "feel good" or support while she is still carrying on with the OM(s). It does you no good.
If you pull away truly, she will feel the truth of their interaction and if they argue or she is disrespected she won't have you to wipe her feet on to feel better. She will feel the blows of that relationship.
Thank you both for your input. I see it from all points. I am doing my best to detach. I am without a doubt not going to make it a habit. But I was thinking along the lines of this is what is moving on but in a Suttle way, cause I'm not hanging around for you. I have made it a point to be out and about. I have blocked her from Facebook and everything. I have done my best to brake check myself if I get that urge to dig for conversation. Mostly short and to the point statements. And then I go dark. But as starsky said I wanna try and feel my own instincts out as well. But I need you guys to lean on encase I get too far out. Better have a big reel and some strong line. Lol. Thanks again everyone.
I also have a few questions for Train. I do not want to do things all wrong.
When W and I first split I moved out of our room into my Mancave and literally moved all my stuff into that room. I have since decided that I am moving back into our bedroom because im not going to let her see that I am hurting and cant sleep in the same bed that we once did. do you think this was a good move or should I stay in my other room. Remember she does not live with me ATM. I also started being busy allot out later than usual stuff like that I don't think that she checks but just encase. Then the other day I had a wild hair up my butt. I decided to take two martini glasses and put them in the dish strainer along with a drink shaker. Don't ask me why I did it but I guess I just wanted to present the appearance of me having a life and not just being by myself. I hope I didn't jack this up, also I hope I didn't present the appearance of being with another woman. Unless that could be a good thing. I really don't know I was kinda going by the seat of my pants and what I felt was right at the moment. please give me some input.
I still do not reach out to her or anything but I do know she comes by most every day while im gone. I also started cooking my own dinners. I never really showed her that I knew how to cook allot of things but now I am going to lay it all out there lol. Last night I made a killer crockpot dish, and I will toot my own horn for it. Well when I got home I noticed she had come home and in fact eaten dinner while I was out. kinda made me smile.
Gotta say EVEN though I miss her more than anything, things do seem to be getting better and I don't find myself dwelling on the past as much. and the pain though ever present doesn't hold as much weight. I think the detach phase is in full swing and I am starting to pull through. But deff. not out of the woods not by a long shot. There will be no success until I can hold and kiss my W again! bring on the MARATHON!!!!!!
I think you should move back into the marital bedroom and man cave IT up a bit! Dark, masculine sheet and comforter combo. Maybe paint the walls. A drum set in the corner where the highboy chest used to be. That sort of thing.
(This works with other areas of the home as well -- turn a formal living room that's never used into a music room or put a pool table in there, complete with a big velvet "dogs playing cards" wall hanging. )
Women on here, including Greek, have reported how unsettling that was, that her husband wasn't just sitting around pining for her.
