A new M--a new me, a new him!

[reachingHigher]

I need a little attitude adjustment :-)

Everything has been going great!

H & I have been working on getting our house ready for sale and I listed it 2 days ago. Yesterday I had 3 showings on it!

B/c I knew there w/b a lot of activity on it I declined to go to a wine share event with H yesterday evening.

Well, H wanted to go and stay out all night with his guy friends, I said I wasn't comfortable with that, and that's all I said about it. H told his guy friends "she doesn't like the idea" but went anyway.

I don't exactly know what they did but I know H stayed over his friend's house in the guest room.

He texted this morning and said he is on his way home.

Problem is....my emotions are high...feeling sad...remembering bad times during MLC. I am not a guy. I am not a guy who went through a MLC. I don't understand why a guy would do this.

I am positive H isn't hiding anything. I am positive he is in love with me. But for some reason he wanted to show his independence.

So....how do I receive H when he comes home? I feel a small amount of bitterness. I stayed and showed our house and he went and partied.

[job]

rh,

When he returns home, just go about your business and don't jump on him the minute he walks in the door. At some point, you will need to sit down w/him and advise him why you weren't comfortable w/him going. Honesty is the best policy and you are in a new relationship w/him. Don't come off sounding like his mother, but point out that you still have some issues w/what he did during his mlcing days and state that it's going to take some time for you to learn to trust him again.

His partying may be one of those traits that he will retain now that he's back at home. Some do retain traits that they acquired during their crisis and others don't.

You can do this...breathe and stay calm.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi RH, I'm sorry that night was tough for you. I like the advice job posted to you.

H doesn't stay out overnight often, right? So unless it's a deal breaker for you, you have to let it go. Like you said, you're confident he's not hiding anything, and that he truly loves you. Talk to him about it, (remember timing is everything!) but show him love. Everyone likes to be loved.

[reachingHigher]

Hi guys!

Just a quick update so you know things are going along smoothly again!

I took job's advice (thank you!!!) and was low key when H came in. He was NOT distant and was very loving.

I, however, felt distant, but was kind. He asked if I didn't feel well and I said I was just sad because I wished he hadn't stayed out all night.

He told me what they did (clubs, drinking but not to excess, etc.). We worked together in harmony on different home projects.

Mid-morning H looked at me and said "I'm never going to drink again. (with fervor) I NEVER want to feel this way again!" I have never heard him say anything like that. It has always been "I'll drink more water next time."

I doubt that is exactly true that he will never drink again, but of course I didn't say that! That was Saturday and this is Tuesday and he hasn't had a drop and seems very content.

It just made me realize the wisdom of letting people figure stuff out on their own!

There was no emotional games played out here. I didn't punish him for being out all night and he didn't seem guilty or anything.

I got an email yesterday from him inviting me to a "party of 2" at a very nice restaurant for Valentine's Day.

* * * * * * *

I reflected this morning on our journey.

I realized that at times H & I feel like one person we are so close. I think this is that "higher love" he spoke to me of in a diner 2 weeks before expected D in December of 2012.

I realized that in time people discover and grow to who they want to be and I am fortunate that my H wanted to heal and grow.

* * * * * * *

In other news, we have moved to a 1 acre property and last Thursday I put our dome home on the market. I had numerous showings all weekend from myself and other realtors. The response was overwhelming!

By Sunday night I had 4 offers and one was full price, cash, as-is (so no inspection issues) closing ASAP but might take a couple of weeks. H & I are so grateful!

We worked hard over the years so had no mortgage on the house. We are making plans what to do with the money...accomplishing some goals and dreams...I see the light in my H's eyes and a contentment beyond words.

* * * * * *

Thank you to all who have helped me along this journey

Thank you so much job and Forever for helping me to see this party-event from my H to be the small thing it was.

Thank you, 123Gwen, nero, seaspin, AJM, 2BHappy for the posts of encouragement!

* * * * * *

I have completed one year of being a real estate agent so now I am no longer "provisional". I have more confidence, more knowledge and I wasn't one of the 90% that didn't make their first year! So happy and moving on to a great new 2015!!!

[job]

Bravo! I'm so happy for you. Try to remember that even though marriage brings two people today as one, you still have to accept that each party will individual hobbies, likes and dislikes. Each person has to take the time to grow individually as well as together.

Congratulations on the home sale and I'm very proud of you in the fact that it's been a year now and your real estate experience and accomplishments are soaring and will continue to soar!

Such a great success story!

[123Gwen]

All the best for you and your husband. I truly appreciate you taking the time to post. It helps me think that maybe someday H will want to try to reconcile.

[reachingHigher]

Hello all!

Just read my last update.
Our cash buyer for our dome home did 2 extensions of contract so that it was under contract for 60 days. Then the night before closing he texted the other realtor and said he wasn’t going to get it. I waited a couple of days and put it on the market again, securing another contract. Then the original cash buyer changed his mind and wants it again. Such a drama!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Had an awkward situation with H this weekend.

H told me last week he had something to run by me. That always means I won't agree.

He wanted to take a female colleague out for a drink. This is a woman that he used to work closely with but she moved away about a year ago. I was so relieved!

H told me she, at that time, was about to start her own MLC. They were very, very close. She had attended drinking parties with him. The three of us dressed up for Halloween a year and a half ago and H got totally smashed and acted VERY inappropriately with her in front of me. So much that I had to pull him off of her and tell him her H wouldn't appreciate that.

We also have been out together (the 3 of us) and H wouldn't touch me (hold hands or put his arm around me) in case she might feel uncomfortable.

Well she was back in town for this past weekend and somehow they came up with the idea of the 2 of them going out for a drink. I said if your W isn't welcome or you don't want to bring this girl to our house b/c our boys don't like her (which is true) then something is wrong.

So here's how it went. I had an Open House to run in the afternoon. The girl arrived at our house at 6 pm. I purposely avoided coming home until 9:30 pm. I really felt it wouldn't go well with me here. I was already feeling highly annoyed.

So H and girl went in man cave and drank beer for 2 1/2 hours. No texts from H during this time. Boys were in the house and very upset.

H doesn't feel he did anything wrong. I told him today I felt like I never wanted him to do that again. It was a terrible example to the boys and I didn't agree with it.

H just listened to me. I know he doesn't agree with me.

It's not like I have a problem him being alone with women that are mutual friends of ours but these drinking women...always have a sexual undercurrent and that bothers me. And the fact I know she doesn't like me or want me around. The boys have hated it when she visited H at our other house but I was always there.

I find her incredibly boring and bordering on stupid with nothing in common with me. The boys say she has the "drunken laugh" whether or not she has been drinking.

And when I went to her and H's goodbye lunch at an expensive steakhouse last year (just the 3 of us...me obviously being the 3rd wheel)...I left to the parking lot or bathroom or something to give them some time alone. When they said goodbye in the parking lot, I had my head turned. H said she gave him the "never gonna let you go" hug and cried. And H was morose for days.

I know men and women can be friends and maybe nothing inappropriate went on but I still feel angry. I have almost zero compassion for him.

Justified?

[job]

I wouldn't have liked that situation either. If there is nothing going on, then they should have: 1)had a drink or two in the kitchen/living room area (out in the open and not in the "man cave"), where they can be seen and/or heard by the boys if they should be on their way out; 2)gone somewhere public such as a bar or café where they were out in the open; or 3)should have waited until you were there to meet up. This kind of situation, i.e., drinking and partying by themselves could lead to something else.

The meet up may have been innocent, but it doesn't provide a good example to your sons of how people should behave when a spouse is not around. To me, both of them were disrespectful to you because I'm sure they both knew how you felt about this type of behavior.

I certainly would stand by my boundaries and she wouldn't be allowed in my house unless I was there, no matter whether I was the third wheel or not.

Just my two cents.

[reachingHigher]

Thanks, job! Always bringing me back to earth.

[uRworthy]

RH, he knows how you feel about this woman, so, he should have honored your feelings.

It is not ok for either of them to disrespect you, especially in your home.

Trust your gut, R. This is a boundary he needs to stick to.