seperated 4 months

[help67]

Looking back at my wifes emails she said at the beginning of the seperation that she wanted to get settled, do the legal agreement, and in a year that agreement could become the divorce. After I promised, pursued, she said she would be open to some sort of relationship in the future, I have to do the deep work long term, but she can't promise anything. Are these things that can change, is this part of believe nothing she says, because feelings can change. I know I am changing. Is there anything to add to my 180:I quit drinking, am in therapy to change my behaviors, treat my wife with respect, mostly listen and am there for her. How will I know if/when she stops leaving, and maybe puls closer to me.

[Mozza]

Hello help67,

I'm sorry you had to come here but it sounds like you're on the right track.

It seems to me that what you need now is patience and consistency. There aren't many magic things to do in the meantime, magic words to say, etc. It's like the cake is in the oven and you have to give it time. You work on your changes. You know they have to become permanent but you acknowledge yourself that you have failed in the past. You should know that your best intentions at the moment might fall apart if your WAW were to come back too soon. You're still very focused on her reaction to your changes and over time, over the course of the year, you will start thinking about what it means to you, without her in your life. It's ok to acknowledged that you're not there yet, it's a process. You'll feel the change over time.

Have you read the Divorce Remedy already? There's a way to create a plan in there, so that might help you pass some time and get some direction.

[MrBond]

Have you read DB or DR yet?

[help67]

Hello help67,

I'm sorry you had to come here but it sounds like you're on the right track.

It seems to me that what you need now is patience and consistency. There aren't many magic things to do in the meantime, magic words to say, etc. It's like the cake is in the oven and you have to give it time. You work on your changes. You know they have to become permanent but you acknowledge yourself that you have failed in the past. You should know that your best intentions at the moment might fall apart if your WAW were to come back too soon. You're still very focused on her reaction to your changes and over time, over the course of the year, you will start thinking about what it means to you, without her in your life. It's ok to acknowledged that you're not there yet, it's a process. You'll feel the change over time.

Have you read the Divorce Remedy already? There's a way to create a plan in there, so that might help you pass some time and get some direction.

I agree, even if she wanted to come back it would have to be some time from now. I am still focused on what she thinks, and need to detach. I was closed down for so long. Now that I am sober and opening up the person I need the most is her, just one of the ironies in my life right now. I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday due to a nightmare, was alone and that felt like a bad dream, I wanted to fall back asleep because the nightmare felt better. Going to get DR tomorrow, I think I read it the first week, but will see it differently now, plus my mind isnt totally mush anymore. I am excited though to finally do the work I need to in order to be who I truly am, the person my wife fell in love with, once again.

[help67]

I know one of the 37 rules is not to contact you waw, but to let her contact you, and I have been doing this mostly, though now I am only going to let her contact me. I know she has an upper respiratory infection and is home sick, is there anything wrong with me emailing her to see how she is.

[MrBond]

See, that's why you need to read DR as soon as possible. That "rule" is for those LBSs who find themselves constantly trying to contact their WAS and not giving them space.

Those rules are found in the book.

[help67]

[quote=MrBond]See, that's why you need to read DR as soon as possible. That "rule" is for those LBSs who find themselves constantly trying to contact their WAS and not giving them space.

I am reading it now, I am giving her space and am not initiating contact now, but if I know she is sick then why is ignoring her good. I ignored her too much when we were together so isnt this part of what 180 means. There is no om, she just couldnt deal with my issues after a long time, being there for her when she is sick seems right.

[MrBond]

When she is sick, of course you don't ignore her.

[Mozza]

help67 - I would also encourage you to create a signature similar to mine under your profile. It helps the community tailor its advice to who you are and what is your situation.

[help67]

I would suggest you do what she requested. Having a physical separation from each other can work for good, if you will use that time for your personal boot camp.

At the moment, I can't think of any of the 37 rules you should reconsider just b/c there is no A. Can you?

You may be concerned in how she will see your changes. Don't worry about that. Just worry about setting those changes permanently, okay? If you are changing just to get her to come back, then you will be back down this road again. A year is not that long to work on the changes you need to make.

Is it true that you did not show her much respect? If so, do you know why?

Have you read Divorce Remedy?