My wife left me 4 months age saying she needed a deeper emotional life, less negativity, and to always be treated with respect. We are together 26 yrs, married 17, and have a 12 yr old daughter. She wants to do a seperation agreement and wait a year before anything else. I have been controlling, judgemental, critical, you name it and I drank too much. Since she left I quit drinking and am in therapy to work on my issues. I have made many mistakes like pursuing in first 3 months but have stopped. Any help and I am grateful.
Me:47 W:47 D:12 T:27yrs. M:17yrs. S:10/14 Wife wants legal sep., which can be divorce after 1 yr. om b 7/15 but probably a lot longer
Have had a hard time with GAL and detaching, we were together so long, I still love her, but I understand why she left and am working to change these issues. She is on her own, there is no Om, does this affect how I go about treating her, for me a 180 is to be respectful and there for her.
Me:47 W:47 D:12 T:27yrs. M:17yrs. S:10/14 Wife wants legal sep., which can be divorce after 1 yr. om b 7/15 but probably a lot longer
Is there any advice on how to proceed when there is no affair. My wife left me and is on her own so do I do the typical 180 or go about it differently. Everything I read online has to do with om, ow, but this is not my case. She said she wants space, wants to always be respected, right now would appreciate my friendship, is open to some sort ov relationship in the future, wants to heal, wants to do a seperation agreement so something is in place and she is not so anxious. I was controlling, negative, critical, judgemental, drank too much, etc. My 180 is to quit drinking, which I have, do therapy to deal with why I was this way, and I am, and to support her. Is there anythinv I am missing.
Me:47 W:47 D:12 T:27yrs. M:17yrs. S:10/14 Wife wants legal sep., which can be divorce after 1 yr. om b 7/15 but probably a lot longer
Sorry to hear about your situation. Negativity, four months and no OM...sounds like we're in the same boat. I'll be paying close attention. Good luck to us both.
Me:31 W:31 D:6 T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009 W unhappy: 6/14 W moves to parents: 10/14 W wants D (angry): 12/14 W okay w/ S: 2/15 W wants D (calm): 2/15 W gets new job/place: 3/15 W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
I'm sorry to hear about your sitch, and glad that you are seeking support for your drinking. Is your therapist also helping with some of the other areas you describe - critical, judgemental etc? Do you know what led to you being that way with your W? Have you read DR?
WAW's are pretty different to WAH's, particularly if there's not an OP involved. WAW's have often become miserable to the point where they have had enough. I recently read a book by Andrew G Marshall - My Husband doesn't love me anymore and he's texting another woman. He wrote a book about wives leaving too - and that may be worth a look alongside DR.
It may well be that your W will need a lot of reassurance about both your use of alcohol and your behaviour - over a period of time. I think she'll need to see that you have dug pretty deep and done some pretty significant introspection - otherwise she may fear a return to the same difficult situation.
What kind of contact are you and your W having at the moment?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I would suggest you do what she requested. Having a physical separation from each other can work for good, if you will use that time for your personal boot camp.
At the moment, I can't think of any of the 37 rules you should reconsider just b/c there is no A. Can you?
You may be concerned in how she will see your changes. Don't worry about that. Just worry about setting those changes permanently, okay? If you are changing just to get her to come back, then you will be back down this road again. A year is not that long to work on the changes you need to make.
Is it true that you did not show her much respect? If so, do you know why?
Have you read Divorce Remedy?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am working with my therapist and reading a lot, the changes I am making are for me with no plans to revert to my old ways. It will take a long time for my wife to trust me as I have made many promises to change in the past,but always went back to my old habits. I think most of the respect issues were my problem and I took it out on her, but she wasn't good at setting boundaries and so it got steadily worse, I guess she set a boundary with leaving. We see each other 2-3 times a week exchanging my daughter, but that is brief, and we email about my daughter or the house. Sometimes my wife sends me something funny or interesting she thinks I will like via email, but i am not sure why. She knows I am not drinking, am in therapy, and I have been treating her with love and respect, she said I know you are making changes and that is great, but I still want the seperation agreement so something is concrete, since things have stayed the same for so long. I have made mistakes like promising to change, pursuing, etc., but I have stopped and am going to do the 37 rules.
Me:47 W:47 D:12 T:27yrs. M:17yrs. S:10/14 Wife wants legal sep., which can be divorce after 1 yr. om b 7/15 but probably a lot longer
I think most of the respect issues were my problem and I took it out on her, but she wasn't good at setting boundaries and so it got steadily worse, I guess she set a boundary with leaving.
This. A million times over. I also projected my own issues onto the W (and child) without even realizing it was all me.
Originally Posted By: help67
We see each other 2-3 times a week exchanging my daughter, but that is brief, and we email about my daughter or the house. Sometimes my wife sends me something funny or interesting she thinks I will like via email, but i am not sure why. She knows I am not drinking, am in therapy, and I have been treating her with love and respect, she said I know you are making changes and that is great, but I still want the seperation agreement so something is concrete, since things have stayed the same for so long.
I would consider myself fortunate (relatively speaking) to be in your situation. My own W is stonewalling and actually said that she refuses to speak about anything other than official matters for fear that she would get pulled back in. Imagine..."How's your day going?" "You don't have to ask that anymore." Other than that, same thing over here: W acknowledges that changes have been made but is unfazed and continues to run.
Me:31 W:31 D:6 T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009 W unhappy: 6/14 W moves to parents: 10/14 W wants D (angry): 12/14 W okay w/ S: 2/15 W wants D (calm): 2/15 W gets new job/place: 3/15 W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
All you can do is work on yourself and make yourself into the person that only a fool would leave.
My ex also never had an affair that I could determine. Let me say that infidelity still occurs when she leaves the marriage, this was something that took me a very long time to understand.
It is possible that she had a fantasy in her head from romantic novels, not really something that you can compete with.
Keep posting and reading be the BEST DAD you can be
