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Mac00 #2536825 02/11/15 02:42 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
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Joined: Feb 2015
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I made the biggest mistake I could have made last night. I'll fill you all in...here is my (our) story.

My wife Tabby and I have been married 6yrs. We have 2 small sons, S3 and S6. Tabby and I began dating, and had had a small hiccup during the first few months. She would spend alot of time on the phone texting the man who introduced us. I knew who he was, as he had introduced us. He was a cheat, constantly sleeping around with the people he worked with (in a bar). I mentioned my concern, and she stopped the communication. The first year of our marriage was awesome, yet a little difficult. I was in the military and deployed around SE Asia for most of that first year. We lived together in a small house we rented. Tabby became pregnant with our first son while in that house. We became married shortly after, and moved to a second house. My career was coming to an end (my choice) as I was moving towards law enforcement. Our first son was born, and I took up late night security work. During that second year of marriage, I was under the impression everything was fine between us. There was a little stress, I wasn't making as much money in my new job, and living in British Columbia on the island was very expensive. At one point, I had the sensation that something wasn't right. Before I went to work one evening, I put a keylogger/spyware on my computer. The next morning, I came home. Everyone asleep, I checked the computer to find all her passwords (facebook, ect) and followed a gut feeling. I found emails from Tabby to the man that had introduced us, the one she promised not to contact again. I was devestated. The emails talked about how she wanted him inside her again, and what it would be like if they were together. I left the Facebook page up, shut off the monitor, and waited until she woke up to find it. When she woke up, she was devestated, she was caught. She said she had had a dream, and felt she had to reach out to him. She begged, pleaded for me not to be upset, that we could discuss it, work things out, and move forward. I couldn't, not yet, it was too much. I continued to go to work, emotionally messed up, and began to talk to a fellow guard, a woman, who was understanding and kind. I began to develop feeling for her, we spent time together for a few months. Everything felt new to me again, like I was falling for her. After two months of not knowing what to do, and thinking of my wife with another man, I talked to Tabby and told her I thought it was best if she took my son and stayed with her mom up the island, approx. 3hrs away. She did, she left for 6-8 months. During this time, I continued to work. I still spent time with this woman, and Tabby would come to the house to visit every week or every other week. She'd stay for a few days, we'd talk, we'd make the best love we'd ever made. I started to feel guilty the more time we'd spend together. I thought I was falling for this other woman at work, but when I'd see my wife and we'd make love, I'd realize just how much I was missing her. She became pregnant. I was lost in what and where I would go next. I think the woman from work began to see me change. Began to "see" me missing my wife. She detached and grew distant, I chased and pushed her further and further away. My second son was born, and Tabby decided she was moving back to our city so our visits together could be easier, and got her own place. I began spending more time with her and my sons. I was over at the house on and off, and my visits became more frequent. We grew closer. At the end of March 2013, we packed our belongings, rented a Uhaul, and moved to Ontario, where I was born. I flew in a week before she arrived. She drove with my kids and her mom from BC to Ontario. I had no job prospects, but knew they were more abundant in this province, so there was hope. All four of us lived with my mom from April 2013 December 2013 in her basement. I looked for work, Tabby tried to seek out a new career. It was tough, that 8 months in my mothers basement. December 2014 we moved to where we are now. I had small menial jobs, Tabby fluctuated between Insurance and Real Estate, but ended up working a home daycare. I managed to get a job at the local Walmart working Loss Prevention. I spent alot of time in the basement; were I write from now. Detached already I suppose, as I'm not where I wished I would be at this point in my life. I hadn't spent too much time with her, or my kids. I toiled downstairs practicing online for my police exams, and playing games...anything to take my mind off my situation when it came to our family lifestyle...I had wanted more, and didn't have it. Tabby would come downstairs, and tell me I spent too much time here...I didnt' understand she was reaching out for something, anything from me. I thought she was nagging at me. When once I used to do all the cooking, cleaning, ect. she found she was carrying most of the family load. I tried to change my pattern, spend time, but the day was out of the question. She had 4 daycare kids running around upstairs, plus my youngest son, she she's busy, and quite frankly, the kids don't like me a whole heck of alot. In the evening, I would often wait until our kids were in bed, when I would spent time with her, (if I wasnt working, most shifts are 2pm-11pm) usually on the couch watching a movie, not really talking. We had been excited though, looking for a place, a new home, and recently talking about spending more time together, going out as a couple. We managed to go out 3 weeks ago to a Midieval Times dinner show, and we both had a blast, we talked about travelling to Florida, summer time road trips, visiting restaurants featured on TV....even sex, the last time we had it mid-Jan, was the best we had had in so long. I started feeling like we were connecting again, yet, for 4 days leading up to Dday, she changed, 4 days of "not her" in the house...until Feb 2. Feb 2 I came home at 11pm. Everyone was in bed, so down to the basement I go, as per usual. At approx. 2am I went upstairs to go to bed, to find Tabby on the phone with another man, THE man from back in BC. I asked who it was, she said it was "nobody" I asked again, same response. I asked what was going on, she said it wasn't a good time to talk, I kept bugging, insistant. She got up, we went downstairs, and she told me she wasn't happy, didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, that she hadn't been happy in a long time. I mentioned "Ian" (his name) and she said she still had unresolved feelings for him, said she wanted to know if when they slept together it was #$@&*G, or if it was making love, and that she had to know what he thought. She said long ago, I didn't give her the opportunity to find closure. I asked why she hadn't told me she was unhappy, she first told me that she can't talk to me, and then said, there hadn't been time. I asked what she intended to do. She told me it was her plan to have me quit my job here in Ontario, move all of us back to BC, I would find a new job and separate housing from her and the kids, so I could visit my kids. I told her it was ridiculous, that it took me almost a year to get the stable job I had, and that I would not go to BC so she could "see" what a relationship with him would be like, and of course, she was pissed. She said he had nothing to do with her decision. She said she wanted full custody, that she wanted a divorce...and I mentioned getting a lawyer. I also did what you all say I shouldn't do...I pled my case to stay together, she didn't buy it. She didn't care. She told me a woman should be with her kids as she stormed upstairs to the bedroom. That's it, go call your boyfriend, was the last thing I said to her that night, and back to my basement hole I went. That was 9 days ago. These past 9 days I've tried to focus, tried to improve things. On day 1, Feb. 3, I found Michelle's videos on youtube.com while looking for answers, and I watched, and learned. I learned things I didn't know at all. That the nagging I had heard, the bitching about my time downstairs, were her cries for help, and affection. I learned that my communication with her was just as misunderstood, and how the things I said to her were interpreted very different from what they were really suppose to mean. I found this site and forum, and I read, and I read. For nine days I've tried to do well, tried to cope without begging, which isn't really that difficult, as we hardly talk. I learned abit about the 180, and detaching. I started to do dishes again, and reluctantly go upstairs when I know she's done daycare, just to sit in the same room and see what happens. I spent more time with the kids. And I started to go out. Out of the last 9 days, I've been upstairs on 3 occasions, to watch a movie with her, but once I say goodnight, she's upstairs in bed, and again to the basement I go. Four days ago, I couldn't take all the pressure I'm feeling. I hear her on the phone at 530am, talking to him, laughing, though I had asked her to stop while she's in the house. It's been so frustrating. I decided to try to stop the contact. I exposed the emotional affair she had all over my facebook, to her parents, friends and family that morning. I of course, am the bad guy, and I am hated by all for it. But it was all I could do to save the marriage I didnt know I loved so much. The night I exposed the affair, I came home after work. She was livid, I expected that and accept it. She stormed into the basement. Told me that no matter what I did, said, tried or thought, she was "done". I asked her to spend one hour with me when the kids went to bed, one hour to let me show her things. She calmed down, and agreed. When she returned, I told her I understood why she spoke to this man again. I told her I understood that she was feeling emotionally abandoned, she agreed. I sat her down to watch each of Michelles videos on the net. I explained to her that I now understood her nagging, was really a plea for my time, I showed her that my desire for sex was my way of trying to "connect" with her. She said she understood a little. I told her how I felt, that I loved her, that I missed her. I told her things between us could be better than before, if we took one more shot at this marriage, if we worked not for our kids sake, but for us, that I think she'd be surprised at how far this could go together. She said she'd sleep on it. Before she left to go upstairs, I asked her to please not reach out to the OM until she's had time to think for herself...6hrs later, 5am in the morning, she's on the phone again...so much for hope. Two days ago, I tried to detach again. I went out. I didn't say where I was going, I just left for two hours. When I got home, it took 5mins for her to be down in the basement and she pleasantly asked where I was, so I was honest and told her coffee. She seemed content and left. 10 minutes later she was back, angry, arms crossed glaring at me. "So do you want to tell me where you REALLY were" was her question the second time, my answer remained the same. Yesterday, I put up my first few posts. I came home to write this story last night, but found some things. I found she has been in my facebook, reading my messages..I snooped, and found she signed up for match.com. I "had" to know. I was dying inside. Last night I went up and said something. I was calm, I was trying to be in control. I asked if she had been in my facebook. She said it may have accidentally popped up when she tried to log into her own. I told her that wasn't possible, and, that a female contact(s) had been looked up and msgs read. She admitted she looked. I asked her why, and she said it was just to see if I had written any more stuff about her to publish publicly. (which I dont believe, as all she would've had to do was look at my profile from her own to see any posts I've made). I asked her about the match.com confirmation of acceptance...she stated it was an advertisement. (I dont believe, as it was a "confirmation" of a profile and was found under her "ebay orders" folder.) I talked to her for approx. 1hr last night after this. She told me she's not interested in dating anyone, she said she wasn't planning to move out of the house, that she wasn't going anywhere for a very long time. (We had new windows put in yesterday, she even mentioned that we should ask the landlord for new front ones, so we can open them in the summer) I told her again how I felt, how I know she needs emotional and physical affection, how she needs to talk and be heard, and how it IS truly possible that what's happening between us can actually be better than anything it ever was. I told her I want to be close to her, that I miss being in the same bed, cuddling, ect. I asked her what I'm to do..I have no intent on leaving, nor does she, that living the way we are is a perfect chance to give it one more shot. She said she didn't think there was anything I could do, she said she didn't think she could feel anything happen again to change her outlook. I told her "I" knew it could work, if I was only afforded a crack in the wall she had up..that I couldn't do anything by myself, that I needed her help. But I needed to know where I stood if I were to attempt to show affection. I told her I yearn to be back in the same bed, to be close, that maybe her hardened heart over time would soften..as mine did when I was spending alot of time with the security woman years ago, and would see my wife. I compared it. (Basically, I was in an EA, allowed myself to open up to my wife during our visits, and got caught up in being in love with my wife again). She told me it would be wierd between us if I made advances, and she stopped it. I was hurt, but didnt say it. She went to bed, phone blinking in her pocket with a msg from him...and again, Im back in the basement. Alone.

Thats my story. I @!#$%% up last night. Bad. But, I learned a few things to.
1.) My going out the other day, really bothered her, even though she said she didn't "care"
2.) She has no plan to leave; at least, not for quite some time.
3.) I can now start the process. FOR REAL. She is fully aware
of how I feel. There's no need to say it again.
4.) There's some sort of "need to know" on her part. She's
snooped my email, facebook, and internet history.
5.) Separation/Divorce was not mentioned. Perhaps because
its because the EA (I'm sure it continues) isn't as great
or is fizzling out, or realization is kicking in, or though
its not expressed, she hasn't given "us" up yet, but can't
fathom what to do.

I dont know guys and girls. All I do know, is that my being in this state, unsure what I'm suppose to do. I understand GAL. I've signed up for Dance, I go out for coffee, joined a gym. Its the home time I'm having difficulty with. I'm trying to 180...do things around the house I hadn't done in forever...but when it comes to the overall "feel" here, I'm uncertain what to do. I spend most of my time (when I'm not out or at work) in the basement...a MAJOR issue for her (I now see). But I dont know how or what I'm suppose to do to change that pattern without it looking like I'm "trying to hard".

That all I can write for now. After last night, I'm honestly emotionally spent. See. Even now, Im downstairs doing this, and she's upstairs with all her daycare kids watching tv on the couch. Im such a wreck, I'm trying to figure out what to do when I get home tonight after 11. I know she'll be up there alone, watching tv...but do I man up, sit on the couch and try to make up for that time saying nothing, just "being".

Lost.


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2536831 02/11/15 03:02 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Mac00
I made the biggest mistake I could have made last night. I'll fill you all in...here is my (our) story.

My wife Tabby and I have been married 6yrs. We have 2 small sons, S3 and S6. Tabby and I began dating, and had had a small hiccup during the first few months. She would spend alot of time on the phone texting the man who introduced us. I knew who he was, as he had introduced us. He was a cheat, constantly sleeping around with the people he worked with (in a bar). I mentioned my concern, and she stopped the communication. The first year of our marriage was awesome, yet a little difficult. I was in the military and deployed around SE Asia for most of that first year. We lived together in a small house we rented. Tabby became pregnant with our first son while in that house. We became married shortly after, and moved to a second house. My career was coming to an end (my choice) as I was moving towards law enforcement. Our first son was born, and I took up late night security work. During that second year of marriage, I was under the impression everything was fine between us. There was a little stress, I wasn't making as much money in my new job, and living in British Columbia on the island was very expensive. At one point, I had the sensation that something wasn't right. Before I went to work one evening, I put a keylogger/spyware on my computer. The next morning, I came home. Everyone asleep, I checked the computer to find all her passwords (facebook, ect) and followed a gut feeling. I found emails from Tabby to the man that had introduced us, the one she promised not to contact again. I was devestated. The emails talked about how she wanted him inside her again, and what it would be like if they were together. I left the Facebook page up, shut off the monitor, and waited until she woke up to find it. When she woke up, she was devestated, she was caught. She said she had had a dream, and felt she had to reach out to him. She begged, pleaded for me not to be upset, that we could discuss it, work things out, and move forward. I couldn't, not yet, it was too much. I continued to go to work, emotionally messed up, and began to talk to a fellow guard, a woman, who was understanding and kind. I began to develop feeling for her, we spent time together for a few months. Everything felt new to me again, like I was falling for her. After two months of not knowing what to do, and thinking of my wife with another man, I talked to Tabby and told her I thought it was best if she took my son and stayed with her mom up the island, approx. 3hrs away. She did, she left for 6-8 months. During this time, I continued to work. I still spent time with this woman, and Tabby would come to the house to visit every week or every other week. She'd stay for a few days, we'd talk, we'd make the best love we'd ever made. I started to feel guilty the more time we'd spend together. I thought I was falling for this other woman at work, but when I'd see my wife and we'd make love, I'd realize just how much I was missing her. She became pregnant. I was lost in what and where I would go next. I think the woman from work began to see me change. Began to "see" me missing my wife. She detached and grew distant, I chased and pushed her further and further away. My second son was born, and Tabby decided she was moving back to our city so our visits together could be easier, and got her own place. I began spending more time with her and my sons. I was over at the house on and off, and my visits became more frequent. We grew closer. At the end of March 2013, we packed our belongings, rented a Uhaul, and moved to Ontario, where I was born. I flew in a week before she arrived. She drove with my kids and her mom from BC to Ontario. I had no job prospects, but knew they were more abundant in this province, so there was hope. All four of us lived with my mom from April 2013 December 2013 in her basement. I looked for work, Tabby tried to seek out a new career. It was tough, that 8 months in my mothers basement. December 2014 we moved to where we are now. I had small menial jobs, Tabby fluctuated between Insurance and Real Estate, but ended up working a home daycare. I managed to get a job at the local Walmart working Loss Prevention. I spent alot of time in the basement; were I write from now. Detached already I suppose, as I'm not where I wished I would be at this point in my life. I hadn't spent too much time with her, or my kids. I toiled downstairs practicing online for my police exams, and playing games...anything to take my mind off my situation when it came to our family lifestyle...I had wanted more, and didn't have it. Tabby would come downstairs, and tell me I spent too much time here...I didnt' understand she was reaching out for something, anything from me. I thought she was nagging at me. When once I used to do all the cooking, cleaning, ect. she found she was carrying most of the family load. I tried to change my pattern, spend time, but the day was out of the question. She had 4 daycare kids running around upstairs, plus my youngest son, she she's busy, and quite frankly, the kids don't like me a whole heck of alot. In the evening, I would often wait until our kids were in bed, when I would spent time with her, (if I wasnt working, most shifts are 2pm-11pm) usually on the couch watching a movie, not really talking. We had been excited though, looking for a place, a new home, and recently talking about spending more time together, going out as a couple. We managed to go out 3 weeks ago to a Midieval Times dinner show, and we both had a blast, we talked about travelling to Florida, summer time road trips, visiting restaurants featured on TV....even sex, the last time we had it mid-Jan, was the best we had had in so long. I started feeling like we were connecting again, yet, for 4 days leading up to Dday, she changed, 4 days of "not her" in the house...until Feb 2. Feb 2 I came home at 11pm. Everyone was in bed, so down to the basement I go, as per usual. At approx. 2am I went upstairs to go to bed, to find Tabby on the phone with another man, THE man from back in BC. I asked who it was, she said it was "nobody" I asked again, same response. I asked what was going on, she said it wasn't a good time to talk, I kept bugging, insistant. She got up, we went downstairs, and she told me she wasn't happy, didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, that she hadn't been happy in a long time. I mentioned "Ian" (his name) and she said she still had unresolved feelings for him, said she wanted to know if when they slept together it was #$@&*G, or if it was making love, and that she had to know what he thought. She said long ago, I didn't give her the opportunity to find closure. I asked why she hadn't told me she was unhappy, she first told me that she can't talk to me, and then said, there hadn't been time. I asked what she intended to do. She told me it was her plan to have me quit my job here in Ontario, move all of us back to BC, I would find a new job and separate housing from her and the kids, so I could visit my kids. I told her it was ridiculous, that it took me almost a year to get the stable job I had, and that I would not go to BC so she could "see" what a relationship with him would be like, and of course, she was pissed. She said he had nothing to do with her decision. She said she wanted full custody, that she wanted a divorce...and I mentioned getting a lawyer. I also did what you all say I shouldn't do...I pled my case to stay together, she didn't buy it. She didn't care. She told me a woman should be with her kids as she stormed upstairs to the bedroom. That's it, go call your boyfriend, was the last thing I said to her that night, and back to my basement hole I went. That was 9 days ago. These past 9 days I've tried to focus, tried to improve things. On day 1, Feb. 3, I found Michelle's videos on youtube.com while looking for answers, and I watched, and learned. I learned things I didn't know at all. That the nagging I had heard, the bitching about my time downstairs, were her cries for help, and affection. I learned that my communication with her was just as misunderstood, and how the things I said to her were interpreted very different from what they were really suppose to mean. I found this site and forum, and I read, and I read. For nine days I've tried to do well, tried to cope without begging, which isn't really that difficult, as we hardly talk. I learned abit about the 180, and detaching. I started to do dishes again, and reluctantly go upstairs when I know she's done daycare, just to sit in the same room and see what happens. I spent more time with the kids. And I started to go out. Out of the last 9 days, I've been upstairs on 3 occasions, to watch a movie with her, but once I say goodnight, she's upstairs in bed, and again to the basement I go. Four days ago, I couldn't take all the pressure I'm feeling. I hear her on the phone at 530am, talking to him, laughing, though I had asked her to stop while she's in the house. It's been so frustrating. I decided to try to stop the contact. I exposed the emotional affair she had all over my facebook, to her parents, friends and family that morning. I of course, am the bad guy, and I am hated by all for it. But it was all I could do to save the marriage I didnt know I loved so much. The night I exposed the affair, I came home after work. She was livid, I expected that and accept it. She stormed into the basement. Told me that no matter what I did, said, tried or thought, she was "done". I asked her to spend one hour with me when the kids went to bed, one hour to let me show her things. She calmed down, and agreed. When she returned, I told her I understood why she spoke to this man again. I told her I understood that she was feeling emotionally abandoned, she agreed. I sat her down to watch each of Michelles videos on the net. I explained to her that I now understood her nagging, was really a plea for my time, I showed her that my desire for sex was my way of trying to "connect" with her. She said she understood a little. I told her how I felt, that I loved her, that I missed her. I told her things between us could be better than before, if we took one more shot at this marriage, if we worked not for our kids sake, but for us, that I think she'd be surprised at how far this could go together. She said she'd sleep on it. Before she left to go upstairs, I asked her to please not reach out to the OM until she's had time to think for herself...6hrs later, 5am in the morning, she's on the phone again...so much for hope. Two days ago, I tried to detach again. I went out. I didn't say where I was going, I just left for two hours. When I got home, it took 5mins for her to be down in the basement and she pleasantly asked where I was, so I was honest and told her coffee. She seemed content and left. 10 minutes later she was back, angry, arms crossed glaring at me. "So do you want to tell me where you REALLY were" was her question the second time, my answer remained the same. Yesterday, I put up my first few posts. I came home to write this story last night, but found some things. I found she has been in my facebook, reading my messages..I snooped, and found she signed up for match.com. I "had" to know. I was dying inside. Last night I went up and said something. I was calm, I was trying to be in control. I asked if she had been in my facebook. She said it may have accidentally popped up when she tried to log into her own. I told her that wasn't possible, and, that a female contact(s) had been looked up and msgs read. She admitted she looked. I asked her why, and she said it was just to see if I had written any more stuff about her to publish publicly. (which I dont believe, as all she would've had to do was look at my profile from her own to see any posts I've made). I asked her about the match.com confirmation of acceptance...she stated it was an advertisement. (I dont believe, as it was a "confirmation" of a profile and was found under her "ebay orders" folder.) I talked to her for approx. 1hr last night after this. She told me she's not interested in dating anyone, she said she wasn't planning to move out of the house, that she wasn't going anywhere for a very long time. (We had new windows put in yesterday, she even mentioned that we should ask the landlord for new front ones, so we can open them in the summer) I told her again how I felt, how I know she needs emotional and physical affection, how she needs to talk and be heard, and how it IS truly possible that what's happening between us can actually be better than anything it ever was. I told her I want to be close to her, that I miss being in the same bed, cuddling, ect. I asked her what I'm to do..I have no intent on leaving, nor does she, that living the way we are is a perfect chance to give it one more shot. She said she didn't think there was anything I could do, she said she didn't think she could feel anything happen again to change her outlook. I told her "I" knew it could work, if I was only afforded a crack in the wall she had up..that I couldn't do anything by myself, that I needed her help. But I needed to know where I stood if I were to attempt to show affection. I told her I yearn to be back in the same bed, to be close, that maybe her hardened heart over time would soften..as mine did when I was spending alot of time with the security woman years ago, and would see my wife. I compared it. (Basically, I was in an EA, allowed myself to open up to my wife during our visits, and got caught up in being in love with my wife again). She told me it would be wierd between us if I made advances, and she stopped it. I was hurt, but didnt say it. She went to bed, phone blinking in her pocket with a msg from him...and again, Im back in the basement. Alone.

Thats my story. I @!#$%% up last night. Bad. But, I learned a few things to.
1.) My going out the other day, really bothered her, even though she said she didn't "care"
2.) She has no plan to leave; at least, not for quite some time.
3.) I can now start the process. FOR REAL. She is fully aware
of how I feel. There's no need to say it again.
4.) There's some sort of "need to know" on her part. She's
snooped my email, facebook, and internet history.
5.) Separation/Divorce was not mentioned. Perhaps because
its because the EA (I'm sure it continues) isn't as great
or is fizzling out, or realization is kicking in, or though
its not expressed, she hasn't given "us" up yet, but can't
fathom what to do.

I dont know guys and girls. All I do know, is that my being in this state, unsure what I'm suppose to do. I understand GAL. I've signed up for Dance, I go out for coffee, joined a gym. Its the home time I'm having difficulty with. I'm trying to 180...do things around the house I hadn't done in forever...but when it comes to the overall "feel" here, I'm uncertain what to do. I spend most of my time (when I'm not out or at work) in the basement...a MAJOR issue for her (I now see). But I dont know how or what I'm suppose to do to change that pattern without it looking like I'm "trying to hard".

That all I can write for now. After last night, I'm honestly emotionally spent. See. Even now, Im downstairs doing this, and she's upstairs with all her daycare kids watching tv on the couch. Im such a wreck, I'm trying to figure out what to do when I get home tonight after 11. I know she'll be up there alone, watching tv...but do I man up, sit on the couch and try to make up for that time saying nothing, just "being".

Lost.




Two words: PARAGRAPH BREAKS.

This is unreadable. You'll get much better response if you break this up into shorter posts, and paragraphs.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Starsky309 #2536839 02/11/15 03:18 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 167
M
Mac00 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 167
Appologies. Once I started, I just typed. I have no idea how to edit it at all

Last edited by Mac00; 02/11/15 03:19 PM.

"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2536840 02/11/15 03:19 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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just copy and paste it into Word, break it up into paragraphs, and re-post. Voila!


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Starsky309 #2536847 02/11/15 03:46 PM
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I made the biggest mistake I could have made last night. I'll fill you all in...here is my (our) story.

My wife Tabby and I have been married 6yrs. We have 2 small sons, S3 and S6. Tabby and I began dating, and had had a small hiccup during the first few months. She would spend alot of time on the phone texting the man who introduced us. I knew who he was, as he had introduced us. He was a cheat, constantly sleeping around with the people he worked with (in a bar). I mentioned my concern, and she stopped the communication.

The first year of our marriage was awesome, yet a little difficult. I was in the military and deployed around SE Asia for most of that first year. We lived together in a small house we rented. Tabby became pregnant with our first son while in that house. We became married shortly after, and moved to a second house. My career was coming to an end (my choice) as I was moving towards law enforcement. Our first son was born, and I took up late night security work.

During that second year of marriage, I was under the impression everything was fine between us. There was a little stress, I wasn't making as much money in my new job, and living in British Columbia on the island was very expensive. At one point, I had the sensation that something wasn't right. Before I went to work one evening, I put a keylogger/spyware on my computer. The next morning, I came home. Everyone asleep, I checked the computer to find all her passwords (facebook, ect) and followed a gut feeling. I found emails from Tabby to the man that had introduced us, the one she promised not to contact again. I was devestated. The emails talked about how she wanted him inside her again, and what it would be like if they were together. I left the Facebook page up, shut off the monitor, and waited until she woke up to find it. When she woke up, she was devestated, she was caught. She said she had had a dream, and felt she had to reach out to him. She begged, pleaded for me not to be upset, that we could discuss it, work things out, and move forward. I couldn't, not yet, it was too much. I continued to go to work, emotionally messed up, and began to talk to a fellow guard, a woman, who was understanding and kind.

I began to develop feeling for her, we spent time together for a few months. Everything felt new to me again, like I was falling for her. After two months of not knowing what to do, and thinking of my wife with another man, I talked to Tabby and told her I thought it was best if she took my son and stayed with her mom up the island, approx. 3hrs away. She did, she left for 6-8 months. During this time, I continued to work. I still spent time with this woman, and Tabby would come to the house to visit every week or every other week. She'd stay for a few days, we'd talk, we'd make the best love we'd ever made. I started to feel guilty the more time we'd spend together. I thought I was falling for this other woman at work, but when I'd see my wife and we'd make love, I'd realize just how much I was missing her. She became pregnant. I was lost in what and where I would go next. I think the woman from work began to see me change. Began to "see" me missing my wife. She detached and grew distant, I chased and pushed her further and further away.
My second son was born, and Tabby decided she was moving back to our city so our visits together could be easier, and got her own place. I began spending more time with her and my sons. I was over at the house on and off, and my visits became more frequent. We grew closer.

At the end of March 2013, we packed our belongings, rented a Uhaul, and moved to Ontario, where I was born. I flew in a week before she arrived. She drove with my kids and her mom from BC to Ontario. I had no job prospects, but knew they were more abundant in this province, so there was hope. All four of us lived with my mom from April 2013 December 2013 in her basement. I looked for work, Tabby tried to seek out a new career. It was tough, that 8 months in my mothers basement. December 2014 we moved to where we are now.

I had small menial jobs, Tabby fluctuated between Insurance and Real Estate, but ended up working a home daycare. I managed to get a job at the local Walmart working Loss Prevention. I spent alot of time in the basement; were I write from now. Detached already I suppose, as I'm not where I wished I would be at this point in my life. I hadn't spent too much time with her, or my kids. I toiled downstairs practicing online for my police exams, and playing games...anything to take my mind off my situation when it came to our family lifestyle...I had wanted more, and didn't have it.

Tabby would come downstairs, and tell me I spent too much time here...I didnt' understand she was reaching out for something, anything from me. I thought she was nagging at me. When once I used to do all the cooking, cleaning, ect. she found she was carrying most of the family load. I tried to change my pattern, spend time, but the day was out of the question. She had 4 daycare kids running around upstairs, plus my youngest son, she she's busy, and quite frankly, the kids don't like me a whole heck of alot.

In the evening, I would often wait until our kids were in bed, when I would spent time with her, (if I wasnt working, most shifts are 2pm-11pm) usually on the couch watching a movie, not really talking. We had been excited though, looking for a place, a new home, and recently talking about spending more time together, going out as a couple. We managed to go out 3 weeks ago to a Midieval Times dinner show, and we both had a blast, we talked about travelling to Florida, summer time road trips, visiting restaurants featured on TV....even sex, the last time we had it mid-Jan, was the best we had had in so long. I started feeling like we were connecting again, yet, for 4 days leading up to Dday, she changed, 4 days of "not her" in the house...until Feb 2.

Feb 2 I came home at 11pm. Everyone was in bed, so down to the basement I go, as per usual. At approx. 2am I went upstairs to go to bed, to find Tabby on the phone with another man, THE man from back in BC. I asked who it was, she said it was "nobody" I asked again, same response. I asked what was going on, she said it wasn't a good time to talk, I kept bugging, insistant. She got up, we went downstairs, and she told me she wasn't happy, didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, that she hadn't been happy in a long time. I mentioned "Ian" (his name) and she said she still had unresolved feelings for him, said she wanted to know if when they slept together it was #$@&*G, or if it was making love, and that she had to know what he thought. She said long ago, I didn't give her the opportunity to find closure.

I asked why she hadn't told me she was unhappy, she first told me that she can't talk to me, and then said, there hadn't been time. I asked what she intended to do. She told me it was her plan to have me quit my job here in Ontario, move all of us back to BC, I would find a new job and separate housing from her and the kids, so I could visit my kids. I told her it was ridiculous, that it took me almost a year to get the stable job I had, and that I would not go to BC so she could "see" what a relationship with him would be like, and of course, she was pissed. She said he had nothing to do with her decision. She said she wanted full custody, that she wanted a divorce...and I mentioned getting a lawyer. I also did what you all say I shouldn't do...I pled my case to stay together, she didn't buy it. She didn't care. She told me a woman should be with her kids as she stormed upstairs to the bedroom. That's it, go call your boyfriend, was the last thing I said to her that night, and back to my basement hole I went.

That was 9 days ago. These past 9 days I've tried to focus, tried to improve things. On day 1, Feb. 3, I found Michelle's videos on youtube.com while looking for answers, and I watched, and learned. I learned things I didn't know at all. That the nagging I had heard, the bitching about my time downstairs, were her cries for help, and affection. I learned that my communication with her was just as misunderstood, and how the things I said to her were interpreted very different from what they were really suppose to mean. I found this site and forum, and I read, and I read.

For nine days I've tried to do well, tried to cope without begging, which isn't really that difficult, as we hardly talk. I learned abit about the 180, and detaching. I started to do dishes again, and reluctantly go upstairs when I know she's done daycare, just to sit in the same room and see what happens. I spent more time with the kids. And I started to go out. Out of the last 9 days, I've been upstairs on 3 occasions, to watch a movie with her, but once I say goodnight, she's upstairs in bed, and again to the basement I go.

Four days ago, I couldn't take all the pressure I'm feeling. I hear her on the phone at 530am, talking to him, laughing, though I had asked her to stop while she's in the house. It's been so frustrating. I decided to try to stop the contact. I exposed the emotional affair she had all over my facebook, to her parents, friends and family that morning. I of course, am the bad guy, and I am hated by all for it. But it was all I could do to save the marriage I didnt know I loved so much.
The night I exposed the affair, I came home after work. She was livid, I expected that and accept it. She stormed into the basement. Told me that no matter what I did, said, tried or thought, she was "done". I asked her to spend one hour with me when the kids went to bed, one hour to let me show her things. She calmed down, and agreed. When she returned, I told her I understood why she spoke to this man again. I told her I understood that she was feeling emotionally abandoned, she agreed. I sat her down to watch each of Michelles videos on the net. I explained to her that I now understood her nagging, was really a plea for my time, I showed her that my desire for sex was my way of trying to "connect" with her. She said she understood a little. I told her how I felt, that I loved her, that I missed her. I told her things between us could be better than before, if we took one more shot at this marriage, if we worked not for our kids sake, but for us, that I think she'd be surprised at how far this could go together. She said she'd sleep on it.

Before she left to go upstairs, I asked her to please not reach out to the OM until she's had time to think for herself...6hrs later, 5am in the morning, she's on the phone again...so much for hope.

Two days ago, I tried to detach again. I went out. I didn't say where I was going, I just left for two hours. When I got home, it took 5mins for her to be down in the basement and she pleasantly asked where I was, so I was honest and told her coffee. She seemed content and left. 10 minutes later she was back, angry, arms crossed glaring at me. "So do you want to tell me where you REALLY were" was her question the second time, my answer remained the same.

Yesterday, I put up my first few posts. I came home to write this story last night, but found some things. I found she has been in my facebook, reading my messages..I snooped, and found she signed up for match.com. I "had" to know. I was dying inside.

Last night I went up and said something. I was calm, I was trying to be in control. I asked if she had been in my facebook. She said it may have accidentally popped up when she tried to log into her own. I told her that wasn't possible, and, that a female contact(s) had been looked up and msgs read. She admitted she looked. I asked her why, and she said it was just to see if I had written any more stuff about her to publish publicly. (which I dont believe, as all she would've had to do was look at my profile from her own to see any posts I've made). I asked her about the match.com confirmation of acceptance...she stated it was an advertisement. (I dont believe, as it was a "confirmation" of a profile and was found under her "ebay orders" folder.)

I talked to her for approx. 1hr last night after this. She told me she's not interested in dating anyone, she said she wasn't planning to move out of the house, that she wasn't going anywhere for a very long time. (We had new windows put in yesterday, she even mentioned that we should ask the landlord for new front ones, so we can open them in the summer) I told her again how I felt, how I know she needs emotional and physical affection, how she needs to talk and be heard, and how it IS truly possible that what's happening between us can actually be better than anything it ever was.

I told her I want to be close to her, that I miss being in the same bed, cuddling, ect. I asked her what I'm to do..I have no intent on leaving, nor does she, that living the way we are is a perfect chance to give it one more shot. She said she didn't think there was anything I could do, she said she didn't think she could feel anything happen again to change her outlook. I told her "I" knew it could work, if I was only afforded a crack in the wall she had up..that I couldn't do anything by myself, that I needed her help. But I needed to know where I stood if I were to attempt to show affection.

I told her I yearn to be back in the same bed, to be close, that maybe her hardened heart over time would soften..as mine did when I was spending alot of time with the security woman years ago, and would see my wife. I compared it. (Basically, I was in an EA, allowed myself to open up to my wife during our visits, and got caught up in being in love with my wife again). She told me it would be wierd between us if I made advances, and she stopped it. I was hurt, but didnt say it. She went to bed, phone blinking in her pocket with a msg from him...and again, Im back in the basement. Alone.

Thats my story. I @!#$%% up last night. Bad. But, I learned a few things to.
1.) My going out the other day, really bothered her, even though she said she didn't "care"
2.) She has no plan to leave; at least, not for quite some time.
3.) I can now start the process. FOR REAL. She is fully aware
of how I feel. There's no need to say it again.
4.) There's some sort of "need to know" on her part. She's
snooped my email, facebook, and internet history.
5.) Separation/Divorce was not mentioned. Perhaps because
its because the EA (I'm sure it continues) isn't as great
or is fizzling out, or realization is kicking in, or though
its not expressed, she hasn't given "us" up yet, but can't
fathom what to do.

I dont know guys and girls. All I do know, is that my being in this state, unsure what I'm suppose to do. I understand GAL. I've signed up for Dance, I go out for coffee, joined a gym. Its the home time I'm having difficulty with. I'm trying to 180...do things around the house I hadn't done in forever...but when it comes to the overall "feel" here, I'm uncertain what to do. I spend most of my time (when I'm not out or at work) in the basement...a MAJOR issue for her (I now see). But I dont know how or what I'm suppose to do to change that pattern without it looking like I'm "trying to hard".

That all I can write for now. After last night, I'm honestly emotionally spent. See. Even now, Im downstairs doing this, and she's upstairs with all her daycare kids watching tv on the couch. Im such a wreck, I'm trying to figure out what to do when I get home tonight after 11. I know she'll be up there alone, watching tv...but do I man up, sit on the couch and try to make up for that time saying nothing, just "being".

Lost.


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2536885 02/11/15 05:00 PM
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Just a quick add. I also noticed when she spoke about staying for such an extended time she said "we", a time or two. "We" might be able to open up new windows if they install them in the front of the house. The change in her "intent" if I may call it that was evident as well. On Bday, she was "done", the day I exposed the affair publicly she was "done". Then I go out, BAM questions with genuine anger. And the convo last night? Wasn't "done" it was more I dont "think" this and I dont "think" that...there wasn't the same steadfast "know I'm done" type of air to responses to what I said. I'm still going out Friday night for me, yes. But after last night, I'm interested to see what that response will be. And no Starsk 8) I dont care if its nice, I just care that it has an affect.

I asked before I left the conversation what SHE thinks I should do, she said she didn't know and couldn't tell me. So, I asked "are we suppose to see other people?"..interesting how she became a little, almost irritated when she answered "Do you really want to find another girlfriend right now?" Hmm.

Thanks guys, sorry for the vent and babble. I keep remembering things that have been said, and the reactions I noticed.


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2536888 02/11/15 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted By: Mac00
So, I asked "are we suppose to see other people?"..interesting how she became a little, almost irritated when she answered "Do you really want to find another girlfriend right now?" Hmm.


Mac, considering your own past infidelity, do you REALLY think that's the card you wanted to lead with there?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Starsky309 #2536931 02/11/15 06:25 PM
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No, it wasn't, and your right. I'm frustrated, and I was trying to get her to tell me what it is I'm suppose to do from her perspective, while trying to keep calm. I fell into the same trap a lot of others seem to at the beginning of a similar situation. I wanted answers now. And I wanted to know how far was too far with my wife. I'm ancy. Just the small bits of information I've come to understand from watching MW's videos gives me some perspective on the how and why my wife feels the way she does. Admittedly, now there's a part of me that wants to give my wife what she needs.
I apologize Starsk. I've never been this afraid to make mistakes


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2536933 02/11/15 06:29 PM
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Once we hugged, I was, well, an idiot. It was a mistake to even ask her about her snooping. It was in some way, some reassurance that she's still thinking about me on some level, and instead of being happy with that, I screwed up. That, I understand.


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2536934 02/11/15 06:30 PM
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Originally Posted By: Mac00
I was trying to get her to tell me what it is I'm suppose to do from her perspective . . .



Why? That's not LEADING.

You don't want the one who does NOT have the marriage's best interests at heart right now to do the leading. YOU should be leading. Even if you two weren't on the rocks right now, women generally find this unattractive (it's the whole "Where do you want to go out for dinner tonite?" and us guys say "I don't care, anywhere you wanna go." WOMEN HATE THAT!!)

Still trying to get thru your entire post (it's LOOONG!), but that just jumped out at me.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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