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Georgiabelle #2551108 03/25/15 10:44 PM
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Hey tad, just about to go into my ic session, and thinking about you. wanted to check in. How are things?

Mighty #2552121 03/29/15 09:56 AM
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Thanks a lot everyone.

Quote:
So, with that as a goal, I began to fake it. I mean, that's the honest truth.


Thanks Ur. I feel like I've been faking everything for 4+ yeas.

Quote:
I dont think you want to feel the way you do. I think you just dont have the strength to fight.[/qote]

That is exactly right. I'm emotionally drained. I find many days where I'm on the verge of tears or many times I'm just dying to just jump right out of my skin.

[quote]Tad, you know yourself better than anyone. But, don't buy into the negative depression talk in your head. Some brains are great at deepening a depression...I happen to have one of those. Push those thoughts away and figure out what makes the depression lift. You did seem better when you saw the therapist.


I have a lot of negative thoughts....they didn't start creeping up again until 4 or 5 months ago. Therapist? Ug....I don't like them...haven't found one that I liked and to be honest, I feel pretty silly sitting in front of someone I don't know and blurting out all of my problems. But......I have started looking for a new one. I just don't have the money to throw down....

Quote:
And, maybe the rats need to go. Why have you chosen a pet with such a short lifespan? Why put yourself through that type of grief?


Well I'm not really a cat or dog person. The rats, well, they just happened. I fell in love with them as soon as I saw them. It was suggested that I get a pet, so I figured why not the rats? I honestly didn't think I would even get attached to them. I hated rats in the past. I held them everyday since before they had hair and before their eyes were even open....Like I said, I just really bonded with them...kind of like how I bonded with my grandmother when I was a baby and my mom wasn't around.

Quote:
So, Tad, make an appointment first to see a prof. You have nothing to lose by doing that- and everything to gain.


I'm currently looking for one.

Quote:
I don't see u as shy. You were in radio. Find that guy again.


......not sure I want to find that guy or even where to look.

Mighty, sorry I didn't respond right away.

EYES:
Had my eyes checked. It seems my job is taking it's toll on my eyesight. I work in a dark room in front of about 50 tv screens and 4 computer screens. So....I've got glasses on the way.

HANDS:
Still have to get checked out. I've pretty much lost the use of my thumb on my right hand.

BRAIN:
I need a therapist. I just need to find one I like. Been dreaming a lot of plane crashes again. Seeing the wreck in the French Alps doesn't help. I've actually had dreams of doing just exactly what that pilot did....plus I seem to be on the verge of tears a lot lately.

I really don't want to go on meds again, but think I may need them. I just wish I knew what happened. I was doing pretty well until a few months ago.

Thought it was all behind me. I guess not.

I feel ashamed...washed up...sad....done......

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
tadpole1025 #2552133 03/29/15 11:43 AM
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Hi Tad,

Take your time looking for a counselor. You may need to take meds, but only for a short time. Find a counselor who does short term counseling to solve the immediate problems. They will help you to solve the immediate problems and also help you to develop skills to cope in the future and work your own way out of periods like this. Its a solutions focused counseling and will do you a world of good.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
tadpole1025 #2552137 03/29/15 11:52 AM
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Hi there Tad!

I just read the last few posts here on this page.

Have you had your Vitamin D levels checked?

You definitely sound depressed Tad.

You said you didn't want to start meds again. Why? Did you have side effects?

I strongly suggest that while you're searching for a new counselor, start taking Vit D. 5000 IU. People's Vit D levels get low enough the doctors prescribe super 50,000 IU to take 2 times a week. I needed it last year and have needed it in the past. I know last year I was physically feeling so horrible, as well as so depressed, I was really beginning to think I was dying of some dread disease! Vit D levels that are low, the first sign is depression.

Also Fish Oil 1200 (enterically coated to avoid fish burps) will help alot with depression as well, though it's mainly focused for heart health. I know it helps my joints for sure.

Since I started on Vit D and fish oil, my depression really lifted.I used to take Citalopram, but noticed that I didn't really need it after I started taking my fish oil and Vitamin D. I feel much more evened out, and can handle the up's and downs of life much better. Im still really stressed from my job, but I don't feel utterly hopeless anymore. Just worn the hell out!

It might be a good choice to start meds again as well as supplements, and then gradually lessen your anti depressant dose (with md approval of course) and see how you feel after several months.

Sorry Tad, what man needs a woman he's never met telling him what to do, right? LOL. But I just wanted to let you know that could be a place to start without having to get worried about huge therapy bills. Once a depression starts to lift, its amazing how your stinking thinking can turn around all on it's own.

My boyfriend has been in a very sad state for quite some time.Granted I know he's been grieving the loss of his mother, he's just literally gotten to the point of doing the bare minimum of anything. If he didn't have dialysis he'd never leave the house, shower, or shave. WEll he found out he needed big doses of Vit D a few weeks ago. He's been taking his big doses, and boy howdy' he's come back to life this week! His concentration levels are up, his sense of humor is back, his energy is up, and he says he's really feeling good! Which is a big statement, because he was so down, so tired, so horribly irritable (lots of unnecessary fights) I really thought perhaps he was a lost cause!

Anyway Tad, take it easy!

Kimmerz


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Kimmerz #2552732 03/31/15 11:54 AM
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Tad. Get help now!


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
tadpole1025 #2552981 03/31/15 11:19 PM
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Hey Tad. I'm worried about you, sweetie.

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

Been dreaming a lot of plane crashes again. Seeing the wreck in the French Alps doesn't help. I've actually had dreams of doing just exactly what that pilot did....plus I seem to be on the verge of tears a lot lately.

I really don't want to go on meds again, but think I may need them. I just wish I knew what happened. I was doing pretty well until a few months ago.

Thought it was all behind me. I guess not.

I feel ashamed...washed up...sad....done......



That..^^^^ is not good. At all. I know you dont like the thought of a therapist. I hated the thought myself....until I found the one who helped change my life. I went to four before I found her.

You have no choice here, Tad. How you are feeling is not good and it's not going to get better on its own.

I hated the thought of medicine, too. But I was sick and I needed help. It doesnt mean you have to be on them forever.

Tad, you still have a whole lot of life left to live...with your boys and maybe grandchildren one day. There's a whole lot out there in the world for you to experience.

You obviously need help in getting better. You cannot continue as you are. But you have to want to get it, Tad. You have to push yourself.

It's time. Get to gettin...

uRworthy #2553436 04/02/15 07:25 AM
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Tad please listen. We all care about you. There is so much life in you if you give YOU a chance. You deserve it Tad.

Hugs x a 100


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
sunshinelewis #2553824 04/03/15 09:22 AM
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Tad, going through your day feeling this way is a lot like trying to see without the right glasses.

Once you put on the right glasses the world will be clearer and not so scary. That will make you calmer and allow you to see all the beauty. Without the right glasses everything is just a fuzzy, scary blur.

Medication and therapy are like a good pair of eyeglasses.

Please make an appt. today with a doctor. Just call and make the appointment. Take it one step at a time but please take this step.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



123Gwen #2556440 04/12/15 08:51 AM
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Thanks everyone.

Been a couple of weeks.

Been trying to get in to see a therapist, but keep getting the run around with my employer/website/computer. Ug. Going to keep trying. I should know something next week. Sometimes I really think that everything/everyone is just out to make my life difficult.

I've been trying to "fake it" at work and on FB, but that is all it is: fake.

I slipped and had a couple of smokes last week. Again: fail.

Kimmerz: The meds? I just don't like being on them. I was on them before, but took myself off of them. They helped a lot, but my brother was also on meds before hanging himself. I guess...I'm just trying to be careful/cautious....

Saw a picture of XW last week. Wow. She's put on some weight!!! It's kind of funny in a way because she got into all the healthy foods and the P90X thing and this is the heaviest she's ever been. I've never seen her this heavy. And with the working out and healthy eating....the weight gain doesn't make sense. Could be the alcohol.

I've actually lost a lot of weight just in the last month. I don't know how much because I don't have a scale, but I've gained two holes in my belt loop.

My little baby rattie.......she just keeps hanging in there. I thought once her sister died back in December, she would be right behind her. I love her so much. I do hate the fact that she has slowed down so much. It used to be when I would let her out for play time, she would run all around the room, jump on furniture and have a blast. Now, she won't leave my chest. She just wants to cuddle and sleep on my chest. It's sad, but I do like cuddling with her.

Had my performance review at work last week. It went very well. I'm getting a raise later this month.

I know what I want my life to look like and what I want. I just don't know how to get there.

Guess that's all for now.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
tadpole1025 #2556464 04/12/15 12:08 PM
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Hi Tad,
Congratulations on the raise! This tells me that you are doing a good job and doing what is expected of you. Keep up the good work!

As for FB, why not stay off of that site for a while unless you are using it to keep in touch w/friends and family. As for your xw and the way she looks, there could be any number of reasons she's put on weight, eating, alcohol, medications and changes beginning to take place w/her, i.e., menopause. Depression can put a whammy on the body as well, some gain, some lose weight. But whatever the reason, it's on her.

So you slipped had had a couple of smokes. It's not a "fail". Quitting smoking takes a lot of effort and will power and if you had some rough times, well, that will draw you back to the smokes. You know what you need to do, so get back on track again and keep moving forward.

I'm glad your little rattie is still hanging in there. She's getting old and wants to be close to you for warmth and comfort. Enjoy her company and always know that you did the best by them. They knew they had a good home life.

Keep trying to get in to see a therapist. A therapist will help you figure things out. I know it's been tough going trying to get in to see one...but don't give up. You are not a quitter!

Tad, please take care of yourself. You only have this one life...so live it to the fullest each and every day.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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