Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues

[Starsky309]

Tell her if she wants to end the marriage, it's high time she put on her BGPs.

[Complex]

It's not going to change the outcome of my sitch I guess. But hm ya why would I?
Too bad I agreed too fast^^ her car is 3500 miles over service and they are going to sell her expensive crap service if I don't do it...
Oh well...

I'm seriously annoyed today by W and how NC. I feel like I made some serious process detaching tho. It just feels like limbo again..waiting for the death sentence of our M...thats all it is right now

[Starsky309]

You already agreed to help her?

[DaddyLongShanks]

It's not going to change the outcome of my sitch I guess. But hm ya why would I?
Too bad I agreed too fast^^ her car is 3500 miles over service and they are going to sell her expensive crap service if I don't do it...
Oh well...

I'm seriously annoyed today by W and how NC. I feel like I made some serious process detaching tho. It just feels like limbo again..waiting for the death sentence of our M...thats all it is right now

What about her boyfriend?

[Complex]

I did. Not sure if it would look weak to change my position on it. What's BGPs?

[Complex]

Oh big girl panties...lol.
Well if I tell her she'll probably argue that I also should put my big boy panties on and start standing on my own feet.
Which I'm in the process of right now...but it doesn't go overnight. Plus I'm not the one ditching out of my marriage cowardly cheating emotionally...

[Complex]

Wow I got much better controlling my emotions while discussing things with W.
I told her I will take care of her car this time bc it's urgent, but next time she has to put her big girl pants on because I can't do stuff like this for her anymore if she wants to leave.

She reacted exactly like I predicted. She has hers on and I should put mine on blabla. Inside myself I was almost laughing how predictable it was what she said.
I was detached and very calm, although wife interpreted me being rude and almost blowing up again, but I felt far from blowing up, in good DB mode.

She also said we should split bills 50/50. I told her she should go see a mediator or an attorney then. She said she will. I guess I better go see one too asap to check my rights.

Then I said sth which I'm curious about. "I hope you don't think I'm stupid about what's going on" (I was referring to D connection to OM and that she's always getting super pretty before work etc. but I didn't say that). And she then tried to find out what my current knowledge is by asking what I think. I refused to answer, distracted from the original question. She got anxious and tried to push for an answer and I just said "does it matter what I think or know?" and refused to answer. After a few attempts she let it go. I felt like I defended myself well and with respect.

I definitely made her curious about what I know. Gets her thinking a bit.
But the mood between us is very cold. It really hurts to see how crazily distant we've become in such a short amount of time.

Any thoughts on if I did the right DB thing?

[DaddyLongShanks]

Wow I got much better controlling my emotions while discussing things with W.
I told her I will take care of her car this time bc it's urgent, but next time she has to put her big girl pants on because I can't do stuff like this for her anymore if she wants to leave.

She reacted exactly like I predicted. She has hers on and I should put mine on blabla. Inside myself I was almost laughing how predictable it was what she said.
I was detached and very calm, although wife interpreted me being rude and almost blowing up again, but I felt far from blowing up, in good DB mode.

She also said we should split bills 50/50. I told her she should go see a mediator or an attorney then. She said she will. I guess I better go see one too asap to check my rights.

Then I said sth which I'm curious about. "I hope you don't think I'm stupid about what's going on" (I was referring to D connection to OM and that she's always getting super pretty before work etc. but I didn't say that). And she then tried to find out what my current knowledge is by asking what I think. I refused to answer, distracted from the original question. She got anxious and tried to push for an answer and I just said "does it matter what I think or know?" and refused to answer. After a few attempts she let it go.

I definitely made her curious about what I know. Gets her thinking a bit.
But the mood between us is very cold. It really hurts to see how crazily distant we've become in such a short amount of time.

Any thoughts on if I did the right DB thing?

She has a "man", and has you doing repair works that he should be doing or paying for.

The idealized cake eating fantasy is they have a man in the home who provides emotional and financial support and the "man on the side" who is used for sex and fun.

Husband bears all the stress and payment and literally pays for the OM to please his wife.

Many times they use the husbands money to buy them gifts, and take them out.

Like I said, if she wants you to do some "man" work for her, remind her she already has a "man" and she chose him and it's not you, so let him do it.

[Complex]

Another balance I need to find is between being positive around her but enforcing my boundaries at the same time which will appear to W as being rude or upset her.
I can do this!!! I feel really detached. But I know if W would start being nice to me it'll be hard to resist to have strong feelings for her. She has the most beautiful smile in the world..but I haven't seen it in so long

[Complex]

Starsky what in general is the benefit of NC or almost NC in my situation VS at some point trying to regain trust to each other/being very positive around W?