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This is the first time I am starting a thread. I have not received my books yet, so I am not familiar with how things work.

I believe my wife and I are 'piecing'. She left November 24th, the Monday before Thanksgiving 2014. After about a week, she started to communicate via text. It took about a month before she would talk with me or see me. We have had many challenges over the last year, and had started seeing a marriage counselor/therapist. We thought we were doing better and quit going. Then, we had a horrific weekend and, after a terrible fight, she left. Within a week, she moved out.

We both started seeing our therapist individually. We made great progress every time we spoke on the phone. We determined that divorce is not on the table - that we are separated, but still married, and no dating anyone else. That would be a deal breaker. Our first meeting was for coffee, and we stayed for 3 hours. It was the most difficult Thanksgiving and Christmas I have ever had.

Before the end of the year, we started dating, I guess you'd call it. Things were very fragile. I just wanted to get out and have a little fun in a neutral setting. I always seemed to say or expect the wrong thing(s) at first, but it got better. We went out to parties and events every weekend and had a good time together.

My wife finally decided she was ready for a joint marriage therapy session. By then, we had discussed many issues, resolved some things and made good progress. We decided it was better to focus on how to improve our communication and problem solving skills, and not keep making the same mistakes as before. We were actually t

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Sounds like this is all happening very fast,
well may be not for you but in terms of what we see
here.

I hope you are correct because many times after bomb drop the
most confusion can occur.

Please keep posting.


Me-70, D37,S36
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LovinUs Offline OP
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What is "bomb drop", Cadet?

During our "perfect storm" of a fight, she was telling me what an awful human I am and how she would rather 'be dead' than spend another minute with me. As you can imagine, this cut pretty deeply. And here is where I committed my marital felony (according to our therapist). I asked her what she was doing there if I am such a terrible person, then I told her to get the ___ out of my house. I took it back right away, and asked if we could just slow things down and talk, but it was too late. She was in her nightgown, grabbed her keys and cell phone and ran our of the house - no shoes, no purse. She did not respond to my phone calls or texts. About a half hour later, the doorbell rang. It was the city police, saying she wanted to get some of her belongings and would move out by that weekend. She would not talk with me, quickly grabbed some things and was gone. I was completely stunned and quite devastated.

We both own our own houses. We lived in my home and rented out hers. My wife moved back into her house that next weekend.


Me: 53, Wife: 49
Separated November 24, 2014
I think we are piecing. She wants to stay married/committed & LAT (Living Apart, Together)
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We are doing well, but are in a strange place. My wife says we are still together, still committed and married, and working on our relationship, but she wants to maintain separate homes. They call it LAT, or living apart-together. She said she will not put herself in a position where she is so vulnerable as she was while living in my house, and that she needs her own space and some time to herself. She said she cannot say she wants to remain like this forever, only that it is what she needs now. She is living in her house, and I live in mine - about 5 miles from each other.

We go to couple's therapy every 2 or 3 weeks. We are getting along very well and doing so much better with our communication. We text constantly during the weekdays and speak on the phone on the evenings we are not together. We spend every Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday together, including nights. We shop, cook, watch movies or TV, work on home projects - at both places - go out on dates, etc. Things are actually going very well and we are closer than we have been in a long time. We had a lovely Valentine's Day and celebrated our Anniversary this past weekend, also.


Me: 53, Wife: 49
Separated November 24, 2014
I think we are piecing. She wants to stay married/committed & LAT (Living Apart, Together)
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I wouldn't really call it a strange place -- I was there too for awhile. Dating from two separate homes but spending most of our free time together. My XWGF absolutely needed to have her own space for awhile after we were back together - it was a non-negotiable. And, it was a good thing. It gave her time to get comfortable and trust again. She eventually started staying more and more nights at the house -- and soon, just moved back in and got rid of her place.

I think you are in a GREAT place!

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LovingUs - maybe there was something in the stars in November. A week or two earlier my H and I had almost verbatim the same fight. I was screaming get the F out. That is the marital felony, those words?


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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Crimson & Zelda, thank you for the input. It means a lot to me to hear from you.

I am glad to know this is not such a strange situation - us being together and living apart. It is still not easy. And yes, Zelda, telling my wife to "get the f... out of MY house" was the marital felony. My wife has said she will not live here again because she cannot put herself in a position where I can throw her out again. Of course, we see what happened very differently...

One big issue has been her mother and adult children. She called her daughter when she flew out of here - and then stayed with her daughter's family until she moved back into her own house. So, her family thinks I am a monster and us being together is causing a problem. She says they are going to have to deal with it, or not see much of her. But I know the thought of not being in the lives of her daughters and grandkids tears her up. It hurts me, too. They are the only family I have and the holidays were nightmarish without them. Anyway, she made a comment this evening on the phone about not having family anymore, that their relationship is a problem because of me. She said that because we have forgotten things does not mean they have - or will. Her eldest has said she will want to talk with me, that she has some questions for me, but she is hurt and needs time. Upon my wife's suggestion, I called the elder daughter a couple of weeks ago, left a voice mail saying I was ready to talk when she was, whether we meet for coffee or speak on the phone. I have not heard from her since. I am afraid prolonging things will only make the situation worse and more tense.

My wife had lunch with her mom today, and I don't know what transpired with that. What I do know is I got up early this morning to have coffee with my wife before she left for work and we both enjoyed it - her telling me how much she likes having that time with me and it starts her day off right. And this evening, she is upset and hanging up the phone on me. Geez...


Me: 53, Wife: 49
Separated November 24, 2014
I think we are piecing. She wants to stay married/committed & LAT (Living Apart, Together)
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You're wife has a lot going on in respect to her family. Give her and the family time to figure all that out. Have no expectations. Have no timeline.

What are you doing to work on you? I would guess you saying 'GTF out' was the straw that broke the camel's back. What else is happening in your M?


Last edited by labug; 02/20/15 03:09 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Well, labug, a lot is going on, actually. I was injured in a motorcycle accident 16 months ago, and my mother died two months later. I had several injuries, (the worse was my upper leg - open fracture, partly crushed) and 5 surgeries, and started physical therapy Christmas Eve 2014. I finally got disability at the one year mark - and it does not cover my house note. The woman who caused my accident had the minimum insurance to meet the law - 15K, and my medical bills are over 250K at this time. She got a ticket, but big deal. My first attorney dropped me when there was no money to go after. I went through most of my savings since the accident and will not be able to return to my career, due to physical limitations. My wife has had a hard time dealing with my injury and surgeries - she would get very upset and had a hard time dealing with the stress. Right before my last surgery, my wife up and quit her job, saying she wanted to be with me for the surgery and recovery. She did not work for one month, then started a job making a lot less money. I was on an anti-depressant and it quit working, so they doubled the dose. I started having terrible side-effects, and it still was not working - so I quit taking it. Then, I had horrible withdrawals and THAT is when we had our awful fight, and my wife left.

Since my wife moved back into her house, I have given her everything she wanted and helped her in every way I could. I am also going to have to sell my house, so I am trying to get it ready to list. Part of that includes dealing with my mother's belongings - which has been very emotional for me. I guess I am finally grieving her loss. I took care of my mother for the last 10 years of her life.

I am kind of skimming the surface here, but that is it in a nutshell. My wife had said she was scared when I got so mad, and that is why she left. Me and those who know me knew I would never hurt her - but that means nothing if she felt threatened by me. So now her family think I am this monster. They do not see the bigger picture or how she contributed to us getting to that moment. I have not complained or blamed her for what happened or my current state.

My wife has admitted that she probably over-reacted by leaving and moving out so quickly without giving any time for things to calm down and us to talk. She also admitted to "running her mouth" to her family. She has not said so, but I believe she regrets that. She said love was never the problem - she still loves me, is in love with me and wants a life with me. She said the only way we will not stay together is if I do something really stupid and over the top. I feel very overwhelmed and lost. I am trying to pull it together.

So, what am I doing to work on myself, you ask? I go to physical therapy twice a week and am working hard to get mobile and stronger again. I am working out with a personal trainer (a perk from my wife's new job) twice a week - expect to increase to 3 times a week soon. I lost 23 pounds since she left. I am working on household projects, selling some things around my house and clearing out the place to prepare to list it to sell and downsize. I am seeking help from SS Disability's "Ticket to work" program to find a new line of work. I need to get out of this house and back to work. I am staying in touch with friends and seeing them when they have time.


Me: 53, Wife: 49
Separated November 24, 2014
I think we are piecing. She wants to stay married/committed & LAT (Living Apart, Together)
Joined: Feb 2015
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BTW...I received my books and have read the first one. I will start reading "Divorce Busting" tonight. We have a couple's therapy session in the morning. So far, every time we have gone has been very productive and we come away feeling better and with new tools and/or goals or guidelines. We both write down things we would like to address in our sessions. I am a bit apprehensive about some things I want to discuss. I hope it goes well. There has been tension between us since last night.


Me: 53, Wife: 49
Separated November 24, 2014
I think we are piecing. She wants to stay married/committed & LAT (Living Apart, Together)
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