Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
4
4mendmj Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
4
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
Very little. W was/is recovering from massive surgery and just returned to work yesterday. She has been playing a sympathy card about needing to heal and get back to work and get healthy before she can make a decision. It is probably time for me to suggest that since she can go and workout and spend 5-7 days a week with the OW and return to work yet stay out late still that this has changed enough for the better that it is time for things to change. I am seriously not playing stupid here, I am in virgin territory....what actions are you referencing? Tell her I am no longer doing her laundry? Tell her that since she is capable of returning to work and still be gone half the night that it is time for her to decide? If I ask the 2nd question she will just play it off that she is still healing and she doesn't know and she even masterfully has said "if you want out, then file" A perfect threat that backs me down in the past. Again, all I can therefore think of is filing. Not because I want to but because I don't know what actions to take instead. Starsky, would you give me 5 action based examples of things I could do? At least get my brain rolling on what it is you are referencing so I can start going down that path??


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
Very little. W was/is recovering from massive surgery and just returned to work yesterday. She has been playing a sympathy card about needing to heal and get back to work and get healthy before she can make a decision. It is probably time for me to suggest that since she can go and workout and spend 5-7 days a week with the OW and return to work yet stay out late still that this has changed enough for the better that it is time for things to change.


Sounds perfect.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
I am seriously not playing stupid here, I am in virgin territory....what actions are you referencing? Tell her I am no longer doing her laundry? Tell her that since she is capable of returning to work and still be gone half the night that it is time for her to decide?


No tell, only do, Grasshoppah. smirk


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
Tell her that since she is capable of returning to work and still be gone half the night that it is time for her to decide?


No, that is an ULTIMATUM, not a BOUNDARY. Do you know the difference?

An ultimatum tells someone else what THEY need to do . . . or else.

A boundary tells someone else what you YOURSELF are going to allow in your life.

At a MINIMUM, you need to set an internal deadline of how long you are willing to stand for your marriage. Whether that's 3 months or 6 or one year, I don't think it's healthy for it to be "indefinitely," because then you are truly allowing yourself to live in an open marriage. And I also advise people to NEVER communicate any specific deadline to a wayward spouse -- only that "I won't wait forever." Otherwise, if you give them, say, 60 days they will take that as your tacit approval to carry on their affair for the next 59 days, at which point they will promise you the moon and the stars to take them back, or tell you that they "need more time," etc.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
4
4mendmj Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
4
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
To your idea about coming home late, I like the message that our home is not a hotel but as she is co-owner of the home she has already told me (and she is correct by law) that she can come and go as she pleases and if I tell her what to do, I am controlling.
Starsky, I am not trying to refute what you say sir. I mean that. Truly. I have already gone down these roads before and screwed them up. W would say she is going to workout class and see you after workout and then not come home until midnight or later. I told her I didn't appreciate that she couldn't communicate her actual intentions or if she was going to be late to let me know so I didn't worry about her. She told me I was controlling. Everything masterfully gets thrown in my face and I have no clue what the "proper" retort is to something like that. She has already admitted she is in a PA with the OW and so I simply cannot wrap my brain around what action I have left. The therapy idea I already did and she started going to her own solo sessions a month ago but I recently learned that in her sessions (same office as my therapist and they have permission to share some information) that W does not even talk about OW in the sessions. No convo about OW at all. It is all about whether she will or will not leave and if she leaves where she will live and how hurt she is that I told both sets of parents etc.

I read in DR, find a way you have not previously communicated and try that method. Heck, I have written letters, sent emails, texted, called, face to face till I am probably blue in the face.

The last-last resort idea I read about where you say you love them enough to let them go and then go silent is something I considered but since she lives in the home and we barely speak as it is right now, it feels like we are already at that stage minus the goodbye part so no loss to her there.


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
she even masterfully has said "if you want out, then file" A perfect threat that backs me down in the past.


A couple things. One, you can say "Well you do what you feel you need to do; I will do the same. But don't TALK to me about that word -- divorce -- as it's very disrespectful to our marriage. It isn't what I want, but if it's what you feel YOU need to do, I won't stop you. I HAVE decided however that I'm no longer willing to allow you to throw such a destructive word around in my presence, or I will end the conversation immediately."

And then do so.

Also, you could leave the yellow pages open to "Attorneys -- Family Law" one day, in a not-too-conspicuous place. Or you can leave a good bulldog family law "men's rights" attorney's business card upside-down on your nightstand one day. Or mysteriously head out during business hours one day, well-dressed (but not how you dress for work) and say only "I have an errand I need to run; I should be back in a couple of hours."

Personally, you SHOULD meet with a good bulldog "men's rights" attorney if you haven't already done so, if only to better know your rights and responsibilities in your jurisdiction. No one's saying you have to file -- there's a lot of cards you can play yet. But before you ever fire a missile, there are launch sequences that one can begin to demonstrably put into place.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
To your idea about coming home late, I like the message that our home is not a hotel but as she is co-owner of the home she has already told me (and she is correct by law) that she can come and go as she pleases and if I tell her what to do, I am controlling.


So what. So was my wife. Is she going to take legal action against you? Notice I never changed my locks, but I DID fire a shot across my wife's bow.

If your wife says this, say "You do what you feel you need to do, and I will do whatever I need to do to keep a safe and secure home for our daughter. I'm done talking about it."

Or you can just skip the saying ANYTHING, and the next time she does it, lock down everything dark and tight.

And YES, by all means, I would stop doing her laundry. Why do you do her laundry???


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
To your idea about coming home late, I like the message that our home is not a hotel but as she is co-owner of the home she has already told me (and she is correct by law) that she can come and go as she pleases and if I tell her what to do, I am controlling.


Go read what I wrote today on this subject on PeterV's thread on the Infidelity forum here. This is standard wayward B.S. SCRIPT.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj

Starsky, I am not trying to refute what you say sir. I mean that. Truly. I have already gone down these roads before and screwed them up. W would say she is going to workout class and see you after workout and then not come home until midnight or later. I told her I didn't appreciate that she couldn't communicate her actual intentions or if she was going to be late to let me know so I didn't worry about her. She told me I was controlling. Everything masterfully gets thrown in my face and I have no clue what the "proper" retort is to something like that.


4m, I don't know what else to say to you. Until you realize that DBing isn't about clever "retorts," it's about strong, leading ACTIONS, you're not going to get anywhere.

Your wife has long since learned to ignore your "retorts."


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Here is an EXCEPTIONAL thread on "Boundaries" by a wise poster that used to be here named Coach. Sadly, Coach passed away FAR too young about a year ago with a sudden heart attack; he and his wife Greek used to post here a lot, and their advice was invaluable because you got to see from both the husband and the wife's point-of-view how they reconciled and came back stronger than ever.

Gosh, I miss him.


Coach, on "Boundaries"


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard